Bad timing.....

[Teacher's Pet]

I'm not sure if it's depression, stress, or the fact that I am completely overworked (today will be my 8th consecutive day of work, and I am scheduled for 13 more between my 2 jobs, without a day off - welcome to the world of bartending!), but I've started to piece together why things just don't work out for me romantically.

 

I'm not a "spiritual" person, per se, I've never had much faith in horoscopes (though mine was very interesting the other day....something about making a "comeback" in something you do), but I really feel like I am "cursed" with bad timing.

 

Before I got back into bartending, when I was still in marketing, and even before I met the infamous "Teacher", I was working in a sales department of mostly women. I always had fun there, being everyone's "Big Poppa" (yes, that nickname follows me around!)......

 

One of the girls in my department was a cute, short Irish girl in her late 20's. We got along really well. We used to slack off together (we both HATED the job), go to lunch together, even go drinking on Friday nights.....she (and her lesbian best friend - more about her in a minute LOL) and I were quite the platonic pair (I seem to rock at platonic relationships with women lol)

 

This girl, "E", was planning on leaving the company to work a job with better hours so she could finish her degree. A good move for her, since she does not have a sales background, and frankly, she wasn't very good at it.

 

Now, needless to say, I always had a little crush on this girl. She's VERY funny, fun to be around, and very cute (she's 4'11!). When she announced around Thanksgiving (this is 2005) that she would be leaving shortly after New Years, I was sad, because I knew I'd miss her around the office, even if we stayed friends outside of work. I hated my job so much that I needed as many "fun people" around me as possible to keep me from going postal.

 

On December 9th (yes, I'm VERY good at remembering dates, you'll see why in a moment), we had our company holiday party (actually, a get-together we planned ourselves, since the company was too cheap to give us a real party) at a local pub. I was there, E was there, and about 20 others from the job showed up.

 

I remember that night being a lot of fun. There was a girl there, not from our company, hanging out with some of her friends. I spent a good part of the evening talking to this girl, and we were kind of hitting it off. This old man I worked with (he's in his 70's) actually kept coming over to hit on her (she was, I'd say in the 25-30 range)... it was actually very cute, except for the fact that I was hitting on her at the same time! It was quite the funny sight, so we had a lot of laughs.

 

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see E at another table talking to her friends, but we kept catching each other's attention.... I think we both had our hands full at the moment, because I think some guy was hitting on her. LOL

 

Later in the evening, the girl I was talking to had to leave, but she gave me her number. Needless to say, I showed the "old man" that I won our "silent competition". Always feels good to get the digits.

 

After most people left, me and E were just hanging out at a table and talking... we both had a bit to drink that night, but neither of us were really drunk. For someone 4'11", this girl can put it away!

 

We just started talking about pretty much everything. Even the subject of "you and me" came up, and we laughed about what it would be like if we were dating. She admitted she thought I'd be a lot of fun to date, and I admitted the sex would be incredible. It probably couldn't have happened between us because she was still a little hung up on a guy she was semi-seeing, though it was more of an LDR (he lives about 100 miles away, and works a lot of crazy hours), and she really wanted to try to work things out... It really didn't bother me, since I actually wasn't "looking" for anything, anyway. I was concentrating more on work, and on comedy to get mixed up in a relationship anyway. I had my priorities, and besides, this other cute girl gave me her #, so who knows, right?

 

I DID mention this was December 9th, right?

 

The next morning, I woke up with a bit of a hangover. I was surprised, because I really didn't drink THAT much the night before. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I'm NOT much of a drinker. I remember lying in bed the next day, replaying the fun evening in my head, and wondering if I'll actually call the girl who gave me her number (I'm such a wimp like that!)

 

While I was staring at the ceiling in my "daze", my phone rang. A friend of mine asked if I wanted to come over and hang out, but the hangover, combined with the pile of laundry 10 feet from me, and the fact that I had a show at 7pm that night kept me from accepting her invitation. She reminded me that I work way too much, and I needed to try to get out more, so I promised her I'd make it up to her really soon. After I hung up, I went back into my daze.

 

Two minutes later, my phone beeped. I grabbed it again to read the text message I received.....

 

".....I can't believe you just let a bored horny girl slip through your fingers....."

 

And the rest, as they say, is history. Most of you know the rest of that story.

 

But now..... back to more "current events".....

 

Last night after I got out of work, I was racking my brains trying to think of something to do at night. I didn't want to sit home, though I did promise my mother I'd have dinner with her. Most of my friends were either working, or just not up to going out.....

 

On a whim, I called "E". We still talk usually once a week, though I rarely get to see her because of schedules (she only lives about 15 minutes from me). When we worked together, I was still actively performing comedy, and she always felt bad that she could never make it to any of my shows. She used to tease me that since she couldn't make it to my shows, somehow, I owe her dinner one night. I'm not sure how that logic works, but I'm more than happy to spend some time with her.

 

It turns out she was hanging out, alone, at our old pub by our old job. She told me to come meet her for drinks, so I did.

 

I have to admit, she looked great. She was never a "big girl", but she definately lost a little weight. For someone so short, she's quite curvy in the right places. Yummy.

 

We ordered drinks, and took them outside to the patio area in the back, and just started talking. She seemed really stressed. Her best friend, who also used to work with us, seems to be getting herself into a lot of trouble. She's very promiscuous (she's a lesbian, btw), and a very heavy drinker. E is also convinced she might be doing cocaine. This really broke my heart, because the 3 of us were always so close, so it hurts to know someone close to me is spiraling out of control. E is very protective of her, but it seems to be mutual. The two of them are (well, were) inseperable, but the more "bad choices" her friend "K" made, the more she avoided her. K would purposely keep E away from "her world". She was telling me that they don't talk as much anymore, and don't hang out as much, either, and in this period of time, K has been getting herself into more and more trouble. E feels partially responsible for "not being there" for her friend, but of course, she can't be there 24/7, especially for someone that keeps pushing you away. Deep down, the 2 of them are protecting each other from certain things, but it's just not working.

 

We started to talk about the "good old days", when we were just 3 friends who hated our job, but loved to hang out on Friday nights. Life was pretty good then, because none of us really had much "drama" in our lives. We worked, we partied, that was that.

 

As we talked, E started to get upset. I could tell she blames herself for K's problems, but of course, there was nothing she could really do. E gives a LOT of herself for her friends (as do I), and people like us...well, when we give so much to help friends and they still hurt themselves, we wrongly take the blame. It's not easy being the supportive friend, at times.

 

E then started telling me about her on-again/off-again boyfriend (the same guy from 2 years ago). She told me that she loves him, and that he loves her. I asked her what the problem was, then. She admitted to me that while yes, he DOES love her, that's the ONLY thing going for him. His life, from what I gather, hasn't been a bed of roses, either. She didn't go into detail, but she did admit by being with him, she's "settling", simply because while he's not "the perfect guy", he does love her, and for her, that's enough. She even went as far as to tell me that women in her family always seem to "settle".

 

I then gave her the "You should never settle for second best" speech, that everyone on LS knows so well. And it IS true. She's a bright, fun, charming girl with a lot going for her. I don't doubt that this guy is a GOOD guy who cares about her, but if she feels that being with him is "settling", she could keep her eyes open.

 

I told her all of this, and she just looked at me. "I really don't know what to think... I love him, he loves me, but......" and she just stopped and broke down.

 

I was really at a loss when she did this, because I've never seen her cry before. I put my arms around her and just held her. I kissed her on the top of the head (I'm a big "kiss her on the top of the head for comfort" person, I think), and just racked my brains for something to say that might calm her down. I have to admit, it felt so damned good to hold her.

 

She had her face buried in my shoulder and told me how much she's missed me. About 3 or 4 times she said "**, I miss you....I miss being around you....I miss us hanging out...."

 

Right there, I started to feel for her the way she feels for our friend K. I felt like I haven't been around enough lately to "protect" her (well, both of them) from their problems. I know it's not my place, but again, that's just the kind of person I am. I always feel as if just by spending a LITTLE more time with someone, I'll somehow "cure" them off all their problems. It's a bit unrealistic to think so, but at least I know I do take very good care of my friends.

 

Then... she really dropped the bomb.

 

"**.....I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you SO MUCH." She looked up at my eyes, and now I was almost starting to cry. Here I was, spending time with a girl I had crush on for 2 years that I never acted on, and now she's crying into my shoulder and telling me she loves me, and because of bad timing, there's not a damned thing I can do about it.

 

If you could see the look in her eyes, you'd melt. It took every ounce of my self-control and better judgement to NOT kiss her, and I didn't, except again, on the top of the head.

 

She is such a great girl, and I know if something were to happen between us, it would be really good, but now's not the time, and I don't know if "the time" will ever happen.

 

This makes twice in the last 1 1/2 years a "right person" has come along at the "wrong" time, but in both cases, I'm so much the better person BECAUSE they are a part of my life.

 

Third time's the charm, right?

 

I'm glad I didn't post this last night. Last night, I was agonizing over this. This morning, I woke up with a better perspective of things.

 

A really sweet girl loves me. And guess what, that's enough for me to know, because deep down, she probably always will, no matter what paths our lives take.

 

I guess I should feel a little better now, and in time, I will.

 

As always.

 

-tp

and...I still owe her dinner.

[Touche]

Wow, what a story TP.

 

I don't know what the others will say about this, and you may not like what I have to say but in my opinion...you dropped the ball.

 

How do you know it's the wrong time? She certainly dropped enough hints that it may be the RIGHT time. That kiss should not have been on the top of her head...get my drift? A turtle doesn't get anywhere if he doesn't stick his neck out.

 

You need to pursue this and see if indeed it might be the right time?

 

She's not married, he's not there and she's even, in so many words told you that he's not THE one for her. You have all the green lights but you're acting like it's a yellow or red light. Stop stalling and rev that engine up.

 

(Ok, I'll stop with the stupid metaphor now.)

 

So what do you think? Might there be merit to what I'm saying?

[Teacher's Pet]

Trust me, I was agonizing about this all night.

 

But..... she does love this guy, and he apparently loves her, and it's not my place to "step in". It's just not my way.

 

Besides, I don't know if I have the same feelings for this girl, at least not right now. Yes, I'm quite fond of her, but if there is a guy who truly DOES love her, and she truly DOES love him..... it just wouldn't feel right.

 

Of course, it is true (and it's been said on LS many times before) that if you love someone, sometimes you just have to take that chance.

 

I guess my problem is that I over-analyze situations too much. I'm always afraid that if I take a chance, I might wind up in a worse situation than if I just kept my feelings to myself. Again, I know that's not the healthiest thing to do, but let's just say it's worked for me thus far. Sometimes when I try to evaluate these things in my mind, I try to compare what I have *now* with what I *could* have if things went my way, but then I must also understand the consequences of failure.

 

I guess if I was a "braver" person, I would have taken a chance by now, but again, the cost of failure is too great.

 

It really sucks being a decent guy. If I was just out for sex, this would be a LOT easier. lol

 

Perhaps one day, I'll grow a set of balls and make the right move, but since we know about my bad timing, by the time I do make my move, it will probably be too late, anyway...

 

*shrugs*

 

I just don't know anymore.

 

-tp

4th down.....do I go for it?

[kirikat]

You need to listen to the girls here.

 

Go Get Her. I'm DEAD serious about this.

 

You know... we are ultimately nothing but big monkeys, and all the spiritual stuff aside, when we fall in love, there is a gene in our bodies telling us that our partner needs to be both nurturing - AND able to protect us.

 

Clearly, you have the nurturing part down... but, enough agression to make sure that we (and our offspring) are safe is sorely lacking.

 

This thing about not stepping in is an excuse you are giving yourself for not taking a risk. Take it. Its not like you are risking it with someone who isnt showing extreme interest!

[Teacher's Pet]

The issue is more..."Do *I* have extreme interest?"

 

I really don't know. Do I like her? Absolutely. Do I *love* her? I really don't know.

 

If I'm going to "take a chance", it would have to be with someone I truly LOVE.

 

And of course, I'd have to know it's mutual.....

 

-tp

i really need a time machine to go back and make some...adjustments.

[Touche]

How is the cost of failure too great? What do you really have to lose? The friendship? Isn't it worth that risk? You already have lots of friends.

 

You say it's not your place to step in. But you already have. You're out with this girl, hugging her and being there for her. You're taking her out to dinner. You've already "stepped in." So now, why not take it a little step further?

 

Also, you seem to contradict yourself about your feelings for her. I think you're trying to talk yourself into thinking that it's not the right time when as an outsider, I have my doubts about that. You don't really know yet whether it's the right time or not. You haven't tried to really find that out yet.

 

This has nothing to do with being a "nice guy" or not wanting just sex. It has to do with not taking a chance. Every single success story in life will involve some element of risk. I guarantee it. Every business venture and yes, every successful relationship. Think about that. Isn't it true? You can't be a wuss and expect to have want you want in life.

 

Why not change your course now? Your bad timing that you talk about doesn't have to continue. Do you really have that much to lose by taking a chance here? Next time you take her out to dinner, why not take this a step further? And I don't necessarily mean sex either. You already had your chance and blew it. Don't blow it this next time.

 

Remember that if you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've always gotten (thank my mother for that one..she drilled that one into my head for years.)

 

Sometimes we actually can control our "bad timing." Sometimes it's not a question of bad or good timing at all. Sometimes it's just a matter of not taking a chance when the opportunity presents itself.

 

You can be a decent guy and have balls you know. You seem to think otherwise, if I'm reading you right. And I think that's where your problem is here.

 

You say you don't know anymore. I think you DO know but you're too scared to get a little out of your comfort zone. It's the only way to grow and make changes in your life though. I have a feeling that you have NO problem doing that in other areas of your life. But when it comes to women you play it safe too often.

 

GO FOR IT, TP!

[Lyssa]

I'm with Touche and Kirikat! So there are 3 women here telling you to go for it!

 

Your story reminds me of my ex and this girl he likes so much but bad timing. She's engaged and just loves spending time with my ex (who is my best buddy now) instead of her fiancee. Now that's bad timing - she's engaged but E isn't and she has confessed her love for you. Do you know how hard it is for a girl to do that??

[Touche]

The issue is more..."Do *I* have extreme interest?"

 

I really don't know. Do I like her? Absolutely. Do I *love* her? I really don't know.

 

If I'm going to "take a chance", it would have to be with someone I truly LOVE.

 

And of course, I'd have to know it's mutual.....

 

-tp

i really need a time machine to go back and make some...adjustments.

 

Excuses, excuses. You already said you're fond of her. That's a start. How are you even going to find out if there's potential for more if you're too scared to even take the risk to find out?

 

You think when my H pursued me he agonized over whether it was mutual or not? Do you think when he asked me out that he loved me? NO! All of that came later. The risk-taking in order to discover all of that comes FIRST. You've got this all backwards, TP.

 

You want a guarantee before you take any risk at all. It never works that way. At least I've never seen it. That's why it's a RISK..because you don't know. But you have NO chance of knowing unless you take that leap of faith.

 

Can you do it?

[Lyssa]

The issue is more..."Do *I* have extreme interest?"

 

I really don't know. Do I like her? Absolutely. Do I *love* her? I really don't know.

 

If I'm going to "take a chance", it would have to be with someone I truly LOVE.

 

And of course, I'd have to know it's mutual.....

 

-tp

i really need a time machine to go back and make some...adjustments.

 

Oh wow! That was EXACTLY what my best buddy told me about his situation. The thing is, the girl confessed that she really likes my best buddy, in fact she's marrying her fiancee just for the sake of getting married (go figure!) and my best buddy realised after 2 weeks of her confession that he actually love this girl but well, she thought he wasn't interested so she cut all contacts.

[Touche]

Wanted to just add something else about this risk-taking thing. You actually have a leg up on things here. You are in a less risky position than most men who are interested in a woman. She's already told you she LOVES you. How many men are in that position?

 

You said you'd have to know it's mutual. You're not going to know until you stick your neck out but certainly there's a good foundation here on both sides. She loves you. You're fond of her. You both seem to be good friends. You have all the elements for something wonderful. But you'll never really know unless you stop playing it so damn safe!

 

Remember, being a nice guy doesn't mean you have no balls.

[Teacher's Pet]

Now I'm sitting here at my desk, staring at my Yankees calendar, and thinking, "What Would Derek Jeter Do?"

 

I guess there is a little more to the story than I've posted, so while "taking the chance" seems like the right thing to do, there are a few other factors involved, of course, one of which being that I'm a complete idiot when it comes to women, and my past proves it.

 

This is how my brain seems to work:

 

"Oooh, she can ride me facing the other way...I HAVE to marry her."

 

I don't think I need too many more examples than that. LOL

 

-tp

the technical term is a "reverse horsie ride"

[johan]

I think you went with your gut, and whatever it was telling you you should listen to. The other guy, the outburst after discussing him, the fact that nothing happened before, your own doubts about your own interest, all the circumstances, etc. I wouldn't take her expressions of love seriously without a lot more evidence. It wouldn't surprise me to find out you contacted her the next day and her whole tune had changed and you were slotted right back into the friend category.

 

So I wouldn't recommend laying yourself on the line for her. But if your instincts tell you it's right, then maybe you can send a few messages her way. Maybe you can be straight with her and tell her you would like to see what you could have with her if she was willing to clean up the rest of her life first.

[allina]

I don't think you should go for it. It seems like you care about her a great deal but I don't see this being a long term romantic relationship. I see genuine care here on your part and hearing "i love you" is always nice but it doesn't seem like you feel a passion that could develop in to romantic love.

 

If you step in and she leaves the other guy for you you'll feel obligated to be with her even if you decide your feelings aren't 100% there. Yes, you could have her but I don't think you want her that way, stay friends.

[underpants]

TP,

 

If she was single and expressed an interest in dating you would you date her???

 

I hear your angst with alot of what you say and I understand it. I actually think it very decent of you to have not gone in for a stolen kiss.

 

I understand that you are considering some very valid possible outcomes for involving yourself more with this girl. Yes, there are risks involved upon any decisions and choices made to deepen a relationship with someone.

 

However, maybe we can work this out a bit.

 

You owe her a dinner and you do still speak with her regularly.

 

She has expressed interest. There are no guarantees. However, you could put you position out there for her to respond to.

 

Maybe something like this....???

 

I like you so much and I used to (still do) have such a crush on you. That crush has deepened into a profound respect and if you were single I would love the opportunity to explore a deeper connection with you. If you ever decided to take a risk by leaving a 'settled' relationship for an unknown journey with me, then I would be honored.

[allina]

I would also like to add that anything said by a drunk, crying girl should be taken with a grain of salt.

[johan]

I think you should invite her over for dinner. Then clean the house, put on a good Barry White album at just the right volume, put on your best smoking jacket and maybe keep a pipe handy. When she shows up, have the lights dimmed, and a trail of rose petals sprinkled on the floor leading to your bed. Without a word sweep her up in your big, strong arms and take her where she really wants to go. As many times as you can manage.

[Teacher's Pet]

I don't think you should go for it. It seems like you care about her a great deal but I don't see this being a long term romantic relationship. I see genuine care here on your part and hearing "i love you" is always nice but it doesn't seem like you feel a passion that could develop in to romantic love.

 

If you step in and she leaves the other guy for you you'll feel obligated to be with her even if you decide your feelings aren't 100% there. Yes, you could have her but I don't think you want her that way, stay friends.

 

Thanks, Allina.

 

That's pretty much how I feel about the whole thing.

 

I DO care about her, and maybe under other circumstances things would be different, but at least right now, this is how it should be.......

 

-tp

but.....

[Teacher's Pet]

I think you should invite her over for dinner. Then clean the house, put on a good Barry White album at just the right volume, put on your best smoking jacket and maybe keep a pipe handy. When she shows up, have the lights dimmed, and a trail of rose petals sprinkled on the floor leading to your bed. Without a word sweep her up in your big, strong arms and take her where she really wants to go. As many times as you can manage.

 

LOL

 

That totally made my day.

 

I'm more of a James Brown man, myself.

 

-tp

sex machine

[coco_milkshake]

Personally, I feel she is a little bit confused about her feelings. She is cut up about this guy who she does have some feelings for but cos its not going too well, she is looking for that void in you. I think she is confusing friendship with you for something more than that.

 

Stay friends.

[Touche]

Ok, I give up!

 

Keep wondering then. Guess you'll just never know. I just hope one day you don't look back and say "What if?"

[Teacher's Pet]

I have plenty of "what if's" in my life.

 

My collection is quite lovely.

 

-tp

what if i was a real man?

[AriaIncognito]

Ah timing. I often wonder if I had met D at a different time, like say after he got a f*cking clue, would we have a chance. Sometimes we just gotta let the what ifs go. If it's meant to be, it will be.

 

If you have feelings for this girl, then continue to be her friend and/or spend time with her. Spending time together might help her see that she isn't happy in her current situation, but I dont know that that's the healthiest option for you because it's not fun to hang your hopes on people that aren't going to be what you want. I certainly know this from my last relationship. Basically a year of my life gone to a man that didn't really want me the way i wanted him. It's tough.

 

If you're sure that this timing is totally off, then give it a rest, continue dating, and then when/if the time is right, it'll happen.

 

Sure, you could take the risk that people are saying, but I'd only take that risk 1.) if you're willing to potentially be "the other man"/the reason she's broken up with someone and/or 2.) you're potentially willing to lose a friendship.

 

The problem with this situation is, she's with someone else. Even IF she were to call him TODAY and end it, she'd not be mentally ready for a real relationship like you desire. I think your instincts are on with this when you say the timing isn't right.

 

I will agree with others though and say that you do indeed need to take risks in order to get what you want. Like our favorite show states "you don't want baggage without lifetime guarantees"... well we know this isn't possible. Love is costly. Sometimes it costs us our hearts. Sometimes it costs us everything. However if you never allow yourself to fall for it, you'll get nowhere. Sometimes we're not in the mental/emotional state to take that risk and you have to listen to your heart on that one. Personally, I dont know when I'll be in the state to do it again, but I know that eventually it happens and I take the risk. I dont know if it occurs when you're truly over the ex, or when you've truly met the right person, who knows, but history tells me it does happen, for everyone. Just not on our set timetables.

 

Now that i've rambled, I must clean.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

-tp

what if i was a real man?

 

You know what I think? None of the men on LS are REAL men. :lmao:

 

Allright, before I get drawn and quartered...I'm kidding.

 

But that cracked me up.

 

 

TP, timing IS important. To be honest, I don't think you have "those" feelings for this girl. The right timing would have been the moment when you felt the same way for her, and she confessed her feelings for you.

 

I think what you felt could be described as a mixture of affection, care, a bit of sympathy for her situation, and of course, a feeling of being obliged when she told you that she loved you.

 

There are times when you should go for it, and then are times when you should hold back. I think this one is the latter. You'd "know" in your heart when you absolutely have to go for it. Nobody has to TELL you to go for it.

 

Call her, talk to her, remain friends. If, at some point, you feel more towards her, then take it to the next level. If she happens to feel the same way at that time, then you'll have a relationship going.

 

Listen to your inner voice. Either you really like her THAT much, or you don't. Either there is a relationship potential, or there isn't. Relationships are very serious business. You've got to be VERY clear about what you feel before you jump in.

[Touche]

I have plenty of "what if's" in my life.

 

My collection is quite lovely.

 

-tp

what if i was a real man?

 

Why add to the collection? I think the collection is complete now, don't you?

[Art_Critic]

I say you go for getting the noodle wet...

 

She may have been drunk but she obviously also has feelings for you..

 

You owe it to yourself to pursue this..

Call her.. take her to a nice dinner and figure it out........