Xmm's conversation--meaning?

[boredwithit]

I was basically thrown under a bus by my xmm.

He made out he was going to phone me to explain but never did.

His wife had become very suspicious but he wasn't man enough to face me and tell me; he just abandoned me--stopped calling etc.

I wanted him to just say it was over.

 

I struggled in the months after, and I really felt rotten but resolved that although it hurt, it was for the best.

 

Fast forward 8 months.

The last Friday he got on the same train as me and instead of sitting far way, he came and sat directly opposite me.

He began talking like he had never thrown me under the bus.

He was unbelievable, but I noticed that he hardly looked me in the eye when talking to me. Maybe he felt guilty.

He then started pryng into what I was doing and where was I going?

He looked pretty awful and had certainly put on weight since I last saw him.

Then he started talking about how many of his friends had left their wives and the huge responsibilities it had left them with. especially financial with supporting their kids. He was looking me right in the eye now. But why would he start talking this way?

I began to get uncomfortable talking about it and changed the subject.

He asked me what I was doing the following week.

I was baffled but determined not to be drawn back in; was he on a fishing expedition?

I got off the train fairly abruptly at the next stop and said that I would see him around before he had a chance to speak.

 

I ran off the platform glad to be away from all the confusion.

But my friend said it looks as if I wasn't interested in him anymore.

I said that I found it bizarre that he was talking about his mates divorcing when we were not in a relationship. Did it mean anything or was he just making conversation in a tactless manner?

Not sure what to think except that he hasn't phoned me (not that I asked him to).

I am getting headaches trying to figure out the significance (if anything) in what he said, and I do admit that "see you around" is a bit dismissive but I am scared of being drawn back into the same old routine.

 

I desperately need some viewpoints on his behaviour please as my head is spinning.

[LucreziaBorgia]

MM will tell you pretty much anything to keep you in your place. Discussing "divorce" as if it is something he is considering is the number one way that MM keep their OW around. Sometimes they garnish it with some "I see myself married to you" talk if she starts to doubt, and often it will include some mention of "having children with you one day". That really keeps OW from going anywhere. Why do MM do this? Because people lie to get what they want when they have no other way of securing it.

 

The faster you run from him, the more convincing he will sound. He will talk divorce up one wall and down the next. Marriage, babies, growing old together ... all that stuff. The one thing he won't do: follow through with it.

 

Its that old 'words vs action' thing. When he shows you divorce papers, and a lease to his new place then you can start to believe him. Just make sure they aren't signed with dissapearing ink! More than one MM has "separated", or "divorced", and even moved in and started a life with OW only to go running back home at the last minute.

 

Are his feelings there? Does it matter? Regardless of how he feels for you, he sacrificed you to save himself. He'll tell you whatever you want to hear to make you forget that. Do yourself a favor: don't.

 

If he does follow through, understand this: this man handles relationship problems by cheating on whomever he is with instead of solving the problems. When it comes time to face his mistakes, he'll lie and blame someone else - and watch them crash and burn just to save his own ass. The marriage he is in isn't the problem. He is. Then... it will be your problem.

 

Consider yourself lucky you didn't cave in. Don't be drawn back in. He stomped your heart once. Don't give him permission to do it again.

[ICallsEmAsISeesEm]

......but he wasn't man enough to face me and tell me...

You knew he wasn't a man in the true sense of the word when you first started with him. He was a lying weasel who chose to cheat on his wife. There's no honor in that. So why would you be surprised NOW to see him simply continuing his weasel behavior? Because YOU were the recipient this time?

 

I said that I found it bizarre that he was talking about his mates divorcing when we were not in a relationship. Did it mean anything or was he just making conversation in a tactless manner?

Weasel Boy was merely justifying his LAME behavior for not finding you worthy of the RESPECT of a 'goodbye' when it came down to saving his sorry a*ss during D-Day. By telling you about his poor, poor divorced friends who are now broke supporting two households and all the other crappola that comes with a divorce, he was telling you WHY he chose to stay with his wife. Hey, no one ever accused a weasel of being a fearless beast, did they? No, it wasn't a fishing expedition - it was his EXCUSE for why he threw you under the bus and a justification for his own selfishness in making the choice he made.

 

Not sure what to think except that he hasn't phoned me (not that I asked him to).

This wasn't ABOUT a phone call or trying to re-start the affair - it was merely an unexpected opportunity for him to try to justify his ball-less behavior toward you months ago. He certainly hasn't taken the EFFORT or TIME to call you since D-Day and try to show some respect, but the opportunity was thrown in his face on the train. Effortless, really. He was there, you were there, no sweat off his back to try to justify his weaselness to you.

 

I am getting headaches trying to figure out the significance (if anything) in what he said...

You're reading WAY too deep. There was NO significance. He merely took advantage of the opportunity and feeling magnanimous for the moment, gave you his lame excuse for his inexcusable disrespectful behavior toward you. Nothing MORE than that and nothing LESS.

 

and I do admit that "see you around" is a bit dismissive but I am scared of being drawn back into the same old routine.

Why would you even give the time of DAY to someone who disrespected you in that manner? And yes, "see you around" doesn't exactly equate to, "I love you and you're my soulmate." It's exactly that - a dismissive term meaning NOTHING more than 'see ya around.'

 

I desperately need some viewpoints on his behaviour please as my head is spinning.

Why are you making such a nothing event into such a big dramatic something? You were give something alot of OW NEVER get - closure. Most of these guys toss the OW under the bus on D-Day and never even bother to look back. Because their need to save their OWN a*sses is INFINITELY more important than caring about the body they threw under the axle of that bus. Sorry, but that's the truth. You got more than alot of the tossed OW have ever gotten - you got a halfhearted attampt at an apology for his disgusting behavior. As pathetic as it WAS, it was still something. Stop building it into something it wasn't.

[OpenBook]

He abandoned you with no explanation, months before, and now he has the NERVE to sit opposite you on the train (a captive audience) and start talking to you LIKE IT NEVER HAPPENED???

 

This man is not worth another minute of your precious time.

 

What he was looking for, or trying to do, is irrelevant to you. He has proven, in ABUNDANCE, that he will not treat you well. The reasons why are irrelevant. You are DONE with him.

 

Please say you are done with him!!

[whichwayisup]

Keep him as your exMM. There's no reason for him to be in your life. And, don't try to figure out what he is doing because honestly, does it really matter? Will it change things, or give you hope to be with him again? The guy isn't worth your time or energy. Next time you see him, go the other way and if he tries to talk to you, walk away and ignore him.

[overandout]

I think this xmm is bad news.

I think that he is testing the waters with you in a roundabout way, knowing that he is probably messing with your mind but he doesn't seem to have a conscience.

However as the other posters have said, he has treated you really badly and he probably likes having some power over you and keeping you guessing.

You are doing exactly what he wants by obssessing over him when really you should be seeing him for what he is.

Sounds like the dust has settled at home and he is getting braver.

 

The good thing is that you were indifferent towards him when you said "see you around".

He won't have liked that; a dent in his ego.

You should concentrate on that fact, that you have the upper hand and don't give him one more chance to mess with your head.

 

As WWIU says, next time make it plain you are not interested in his games.

He will give up when he sees you aren't playing anymore, and at least it will make him think a bit and see you in a new light.

[Love is Tragic]

My exMM did pretty much the same thing to me, i received no closure, no true end, he just stopped calling after hinting around that he couldnt lose his kids/house/stuff, etc.. then just quit calling. Sounds like this guy(after all this time) is making a pathetic attempt to explain why he threw you under the bus. I doubt that he feels any remorse, just wants you to pine over him from now on. His life is miserable, and he wants you to be miserable as well. Dont give him the satisfaction of even thinking you are not over him. He will just find a way to use you again. Trust me, i learned my lesson! Never again!! Even when you think you know them better than anyone else, they screw you over as soon as they think they are caught.

 

Kudos to you for keeping up with the NC! Good luck to you!

[lovernotafighter]

He abandoned you with no explanation, months before, and now he has the NERVE to sit opposite you on the train (a captive audience) and start talking to you LIKE IT NEVER HAPPENED???

 

This man is not worth another minute of your precious time.

 

What he was looking for, or trying to do, is irrelevant to you. He has proven, in ABUNDANCE, that he will not treat you well. The reasons why are irrelevant. You are DONE with him.

 

Please say you are done with him!!

 

I so agree with this post.

 

don't even wonder whats going through is head because he doesnt seem to have many brains in there all anyway!

[IWALH]

I was basically thrown under a bus by my xmm.

He made out he was going to phone me to explain but never did.

His wife had become very suspicious but he wasn't man enough to face me and tell me; he just abandoned me--stopped calling etc.

I wanted him to just say it was over.

 

I struggled in the months after, and I really felt rotten but resolved that although it hurt, it was for the best.

 

 

 

This is pretty much exactly what happened to me. During our last conversation he told me he loved me and said he would come down and get me whenever I wanted him to. Then he said he would call the next day and never did. I didn't even bother calling him after that because I had a gut feeling about what was up.

 

I take it all day by day. Some days are better than others... today has actually been one of the lower days.

 

I can certainly say, though, if I were to run into him and he tried to half-ass explain himself like your exMM did (which I know he would because he did it before!), I would NOT just sit there politely like you. I would ask him who he thought he was because he has NO RIGHT to talk to me ever again. No one disrespects me like that and makes me compromise my integrity AND make a fool out of me and then pretend like he was the victim and blah blah blah. Whatever. It would take all I have not to smack him across the face. In all honesty, I probably wouldn't say anything to him. Just get up and leave. Thank the good Lord he lives 9 hours away from me!!

 

Anyway, just forget about him. He isn't worth your time. He completely disrespected you and he DID throw you under the bus. Gather up the remnants of your respect and integrity and go build yourself a better life... one that doesn't include him in the least bit.

[boredwithit]

This is pretty much exactly what happened to me. During our last conversation he told me he loved me and said he would come down and get me whenever I wanted him to. Then he said he would call the next day and never did. I didn't even bother calling him after that because I had a gut feeling about what was up.

 

I take it all day by day. Some days are better than others... today has actually been one of the lower days.

 

I can certainly say, though, if I were to run into him and he tried to half-ass explain himself like your exMM did (which I know he would because he did it before!), I would NOT just sit there politely like you. I would ask him who he thought he was because he has NO RIGHT to talk to me ever again. No one disrespects me like that and makes me compromise my integrity AND make a fool out of me and then pretend like he was the victim and blah blah blah. Whatever. It would take all I have not to smack him across the face. In all honesty, I probably wouldn't say anything to him. Just get up and leave. Thank the good Lord he lives 9 hours away from me!!

 

Anyway, just forget about him. He isn't worth your time. He completely disrespected you and he DID throw you under the bus. Gather up the remnants of your respect and integrity and go build yourself a better life... one that doesn't include him in the least bit.

 

 

 

I think that part of the reason why I didn't react was that I would have only upset myself even more and also that he would have had the satisfaction of knowing that he had an effect on me and could get under my skin. I am glad that I was indifferent towards him in retrospect, as at least I gave the impression that he was almost an irrelevance.

If he had something concrete to say to me, he would be phoning me non stop.

Sometimes silence is better than having a go (although secretly I would love to have given him 2 black eyes believe me!).

The fact that he approached me in a public place shows just what a coward he really is.

 

All your comments are really helping me--thank you.

[boredwithit]

I need more advice as last week xmm came into a wine bar near my work and had a drink with a male colleague.

He knows I often go there after work for a drink.

 

I was with a female colleague.

When she went to he bathrom he came over to my table and asked how I was doing. I was polite as again it is a public place and I didn't want to get into a heated conversation or snub him. He said he was helping his friend who was thinking of leaving his wife for an OW and how he was coming to terms that he would have to support his son who was bad at handling money. He didn't have to give me the details.

Why do this again? What point is he making?

I felt all the old emotions coming to the fore and I said I had to go to the bathroom and said again that I guess I would see him around.

He went back to his table.

 

When I was in the bathroom I told my friend hat I had to go and she was fine about it so we left and I never acknowledged him on the way out.

 

So guess what. The next day I saw him him through the window in the bar and didn't go in. Then he was there again the following day and again I never went in. He has not been to that wine bar the rest of the year.

There are plenty of other wine bars in the area. It looks like he wants to bump into me.

What is he up to?

He has got me thinking.

He made his position clear on the train--no need to rub my nose in it surely?

I am an emotional mess and he is making ithardfor me to move on with my life.

[LucreziaBorgia]

1. He said he was helping his friend who was thinking of leaving his wife for an OW and how he was coming to terms that he would have to support his son who was bad at handling money. He didn't have to give me the details.

Why do this again? What point is he making?

 

2. What is he up to?

 

1. Note he didn't say that this is what he is doing. He is hoping that you'll hear him talking 'divorce' on some level and overlook the fact that he himself is not doing it. He is hoping that you will think that since he is helping someone else do it, that you will assume that its on his mind as well. Its a way to plant a seed in your mind without ever having to follow through with anything. Why do it? Because he wants you back in his life, and he is trying to find a way to do that.

 

2. Trying to get you back as his OW.

 

MM do this. They dump you under the bus, then come crawling back like some sort of toxic worm trying to invade your heart like the emotional parasite that he is. And like a parasite, he will take everything and give nothing.

 

Don't be fooled. He may have genuine feelings for you, but its clear that he doesn't intend to take them any further than an OW/MM relationship. Next time he comes to you like that, tell him firmly that if he speaks to you one more time, you will go to his wife, tell her that her H will not leave you alone, and that you will tell her the entire story from your point of view and you will not lie or leave out a single detail, and will provide times and dates as proof should she want to check the story out. Make your warning clear. Then... follow up with it. If he calls your bluff, write down everything and I mean EVERYTHING and send it to his W by registered mail. It may hurt, but she needs to know her H is still sniffing around. Hopefully that will clear the way for the dumping under the bus that he so richly deserves. One can only hope he'll be hobbling for years after the legal ass raping that his wife will serve him in divorce court. He threw you under the bus? Now its his turn to see how it feels.

 

That should shut him up, and clear the way for you to work this worm out of your head and heart for good.

[lindya]

he came over to my table and asked how I was doing. I was polite as again it is a public place and I didn't want to get into a heated conversation or snub him. He said he was helping his friend who was thinking of leaving his wife for an OW and how he was coming to terms that he would have to support his son who was bad at handling money. He didn't have to give me the details.

Why do this again? What point is he making?

I felt all the old emotions coming to the fore and I said I had to go to the bathroom and said again that I guess I would see him around.

He went back to his table.

 

When I was in the bathroom I told my friend hat I had to go and she was fine about it so we left and I never acknowledged him on the way out.

 

So guess what. The next day I saw him him through the window in the bar and didn't go in. Then he was there again the following day and again I never went in. He has not been to that wine bar the rest of the year.

There are plenty of other wine bars in the area. It looks like he wants to bump into me.

What is he up to?

He has got me thinking.

He made his position clear on the train--no need to rub my nose in it surely?

I am an emotional mess and he is making ithardfor me to move on with my life.

 

Well, it sounds as though you're handling this man's behaviour with class and discretion. That's bound to be attractive to a guy like that. If I was a married man looking for a mistress, I'd be picking a discreet, non-confrontational one too.

 

Sometimes in life, you have to go against all the rules about being discreet and classy. The times you have to do it are when you're up against someone who will use that non-confrontational discretion as a reason to walk all over you or harass you.

 

If I were you, next time this man appears I would smile politely then whisper something like:

 

"I'm giving you fair warning. I don't want some noisy scene about this in front of your friends and all these other customers. Things are over between us, and I have no interest in any kind of friendship with you. If you push me into making a scene by continually pestering me, I promise it'll go a lot more badly for you than it does for me. Now f*ck off. Get yourself to a gym or something. You look like sh*t" (well - you did say he'd put on weight).

 

Then walk away ignoring any bluster, accusations of over-reaction or insults. If you're nice and polite with this guy then you're just perpetuating the image of you as discreet, compliant mistress....and he'll no doubt keep wanting to put you back in that role. Step into the role of bolshy bitch who isn't troubled by the prospect of a scene, and after a half-hearted effort to reproach or insult you out of it, I should think he'll run scared.

 

The key is to really not give a crap what he thinks of you or whether he's left with fond memories of the time he spent with you. If you're not at that stage yet, it might be harder to pull off the bolshy bitch act.

[marlena]

MM will tell you pretty much anything to keep you in your place. Discussing "divorce" as if it is something he is considering is the number one way that MM keep their OW around. Sometimes they garnish it with some "I see myself married to you" talk if she starts to doubt, and often it will include some mention of "having children with you one day". That really keeps OW from going anywhere. Why do MM do this? Because people lie to get what they want when they have no other way of securing it.

 

The faster you run from him, the more convincing he will sound. He will talk divorce up one wall and down the next. Marriage, babies, growing old together ... all that stuff. The one thing he won't do: follow through with it.

 

Its that old 'words vs action' thing. When he shows you divorce papers, and a lease to his new place then you can start to believe him. Just make sure they aren't signed with dissapearing ink! More than one MM has "separated", or "divorced", and even moved in and started a life with OW only to go running back home at the last minute.

 

Are his feelings there? Does it matter? Regardless of how he feels for you, he sacrificed you to save himself. He'll tell you whatever you want to hear to make you forget that. Do yourself a favor: don't.

 

If he does follow through, understand this: this man handles relationship problems by cheating on whomever he is with instead of solving the problems. When it comes time to face his mistakes, he'll lie and blame someone else - and watch them crash and burn just to save his own ass. The marriage he is in isn't the problem. He is. Then... it will be your problem.

 

Consider yourself lucky you didn't cave in. Don't be drawn back in. He stomped your heart once. Don't give him permission to do it again.

 

 

LB,

This should be every OW's creed!!! Wish I had been around when I was going through my wretched affair with MM four years ago. I was so delusional!!! Everything you say is just so sickenly TRUE !!!!! These are cut and paste situations 99% of the time. I just hope some women in this forum make good use of wisdom. Hope you are feeling better.

[whichwayisup]

"I'm giving you fair warning. I don't want some noisy scene about this in front of your friends and all these other customers. Things are over between us, and I have no interest in any kind of friendship with you. If you push me into making a scene by continually pestering me, I promise it'll go a lot more badly for you than it does for me. Now f*ck off. Get yourself to a gym or something. You look like sh*t" (well - you did say he'd put on weight).

 

This is a fantastic idea! It'll scare the crap outta him AND keep him away from you.

[marlena]

Next time he comes to you like that, tell him firmly that if he speaks to you one more time, you will go to his wife, tell her that her H will not leave you alone, and that you will tell her the entire story from your point of view and you will not lie or leave out a single detail, and will provide times and dates as proof should she want to check the story out. Make your warning clear. Then... follow up with it.

 

 

 

Wow, LB, I really got a laugh out of this one. Fifteen odd years ago my husband (now ex) walked out on my daughter and me in order to live with his lover. He would get drunk and call all times of the night. One night, he rang my doorbell at about 3 in the morning. Our daughter was sound asleep. When I picked up the intercom system I told him that if he dared bother me again I would call his OW and tell her to come scrape his sorry arse off my apartment's entrance door!!!! He NEVER did it again!!! I then proceeded to have my locks changed as he had never given me back his key!!! I had already started divorce proceedings the day I found out about the A!!! It took me 15 years however to put a stop to all the abuse.

 

Funny, huh!! How similar in reality both roles are. Doesn't really matter if you are the OW or the BS. When you get right down to it, it is setting boundaries and not allowing someone who has disrespected you cross those boundaries, whether it be your legal spouse or your lover!!!

[marlena]

This is a fantastic idea! It'll scare the crap outta him AND keep him away from you.

 

 

Just imagining the scene has me in stitches!