sedgwick Posted September 16, 2007 Posted September 16, 2007 I'm leaving town in the morning for 7 weeks. I'm very excited; I'm spending two weeks with my family in the south and then going to Mexico alone for 5 weeks. This afternoon I was talking to my mom and happily making plans and feeling good. She's so supportive of my book and told me she'd make me coffee in the morning and I could sit on the back porch with my cat and write. She's even going to cat-sit for me the whole time I'm in Mexico. My best friend was here when I was talking to her, and he was making me laugh, and I thought, I'm so lucky, my friends and family really love me. Then another friend and his boyfriend (ah, the gay men who are my social circle, maybe that's my problem, heh) took me out to see The Brave One because they know I'm a big Jodie Foster fan and they wanted to spend time with me before I left. So again I'm thinking, my friends are awesome. And then in the movie I fell apart. My friend and his bf were holding hands on one side of me, and then another couple sat on the other side of me and they were holding hands too. Of course not five minutes into the movie there's a sex scene between Jodie and her "boyfriend" (please) and I fell apart. It was only a couple of months ago that I had sex like that. The night before he broke up with me, we had sex like that. Then the next morning over breakfast, he dumped me and told me it was because I'm not a musician. Then he left for tour for three months. And now I don't know if I can ever trust anyone again. Part of the reason I decided to take this trip is the breakup. I just decided to stop lying in bed crying (which was how I spent the first month) and go out there and do something I'd always wanted to do. It gave me a big boost of self-esteem knowing I was going to travel in a foreign country alone. But today when I came home from the movies I cried harder than I've cried in several weeks -- since the last time I talked to him, actually. I'm packing now but I'm really freaked out. The time I come back from my trip will be the time he comes back from tour, and I don't want to come home and think about that, or dread it on my trip. Dammit, I just want to do this for myself and enjoy spending time with all the people who love me, not sit around moping about someone who doesn't. Ugh...my plane leaves early in the morning and now I don't know how I'll ever find the energy to go. Oh, and for part of the time I'm staying with my friend who married her college sweetheart and they're still sickeningly in love after 15 years. They leave sweet little messages on each other's myspace pages every day and they have two sweet, smart kids. I call them the black Brady Bunch. I love them, and she's my best childhood friend, and I haven't seen her in 10 years. The last time I saw her I was married too. I hope I can handle it. My brother also has a new gf he's madly in love with and he wants me to meet her. Sometimes I feel like the only single person in the world, and I wonder what was so wrong with me that I loved my ex so much, so totally, so unconditionally, and he just threw it away. His life is better when I'm not in it at all.
tinke Posted September 16, 2007 Posted September 16, 2007 first...congratulations for pushing forward. BRAVO! second..i envy your travels endlessly! please tell me, do you know anyone in mexico? are you venturing out for the whole 5 wks alone, exploring?? very curious. people have asked me why would i want to travel alone, well..first the obvious, i am alone. and secondly, i am comfortable alone, and don't want to miss out. i would love to hear more about your decisions to travel there. sometimes, i too, feel like a 5th wheel. but, i have to step back and chuckle to myself, because truly i have learned so very much...when the right one comes along..i will be ready. until then, i will keep moving on. i can see in myself, i am much clearer about my needs, desires, etc. DO, DO have a fabulous trip! bring us souveniers, hehe....
tinke Posted September 16, 2007 Posted September 16, 2007 oh yes, by the way.......if you should hit a low point in your travels.....remember, someone is envying YOU....you rock! have a great time!
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