Past ruining my future :(

[aimzy]

hey there, just looking for some advice really to try and help me with some issues. in the past i've had a few really bad relationships which still bothers me alot. Now i've been in a relationship for a year and a half and its the best relationship ive ever had, i have a man that treats me great like no other could, i know everyone has there down's in a relationship but some for reason ive been suffering quite bad with my insecurites/jealousy/paranoia for while now and my fiance has done nothing wrong to not trust hm(which kills me inside :-( and i end up hating myself more for it every single day.)

ive had to do things like check his phone etc... the other day made me want to cry in shame as i thought my fiance was buying things without telling me and i was thinking that he was trying to hide things from me,he finally told me after an arguement that it was a suprise and now i think ive totally ruined it and of course i blame it on myself alot.i fear if he cheats even though weve been thru alot together he sed he wont its kind of hard to explain .

 

ive been to counselling but hes off on the sick at the moment so i feel like im getting worse and even when i went to see counseller he only gave me a booklet saying what ive got and he knew i knew and that was it so i think how pathetic is that for on the NHS. also been private before but totally ran out money but he was good at understanding.

 

jealousy is bout killing the relationship coz everywhere he looks i have to look as i think there are loads of prettier women than me and im thinking why cant i be like them.

i get fustrated by the fact that i cant be pretty and ive tried to make myself feel better by doing make up and tht makes me feel worse and dress u nicely and that never helped.

 

i realy hope there is some people out here that can relate with me and read everyone elses probs like this and tht will kind of help thinkin tht im not alone in these issues.

 

if anyone got ne advice it wud be great to hear

[ftheunion]

Go for a hike with him. Just lay in his arms all day. Then you can relax and clear your mind. Don't fear him cheating, just figure out what to do with your life next if it turns out he did...........not that he will. Then you don't have to worry.

 

All you can do is appologize. Just treat him good, and don't tread on him. I'm sure he shows you affection quite a bit. Do the same for him, equal out the reciprocity.

 

Good luck

[Raiatea]

You are not alone at all in what you are thinking. I too suffer from terrible paranoia and insecurity (to the point where it makes me ill). I also think that I can come across as clingy and desperate at times.

 

You have been with your fiance a while now so you should know what type of person he is. Do you ever have totally irrational thoughts about him cheating or lying? If you know deep in your heart that he wouldn't hurt you, but your head says otherwise, then you know that you have to work on things by yourself. The forums on this website are great for sharing problems as I have found out!

 

I used to do the same things you do, e.g. if he was looking at something then I would turn my head to see what he was looking at. I would begin to get in a jealous rage if there was a pretty girl nearby that I thought he was looking at....here is the issue. You are reacting to what you THINK he is doing/seeing. The reality is often much more mundane. I would hate to think of my SO accusing me of staring at other men when I was away in my own thoughts thinking about what to cook for dinner.

 

I always used to think that any pretty young thing was what caught his attention. But in the end it is how YOU react to things. If you get jealous/aggressive/upset/scared etc every time you think he is doing something bad....don't show it. Don't bottle it up either, but don't let him see that you are a wreck inside. Keep it together. He will respect you more that you are not overreacting, and things WILL improve. I have had years of this, and my relationship has improved so much!

 

When you get a quiet moment together, just tell him how much he means to you and then (without accusing or getting angry) just say something like "it hurts my feelings when you sometimes *insert problem*". Often you will take someone by suprise by what you say.

 

And being insecure about your looks is a terrible feeling. But remember, he is your FIANCE. He is YOURS. He chose to be with you regardless of the opinion you hold about yourself. What does that tell you??

 

My SO told me at the beginning of our relationship to "just relax". This advice used to piss me off totally. But now I can see that it is the best advice he ever gave me. You are in a loving relationship with a man who adores you and trusts you. Have faith in him...it is the hardest thing to do but also the most rewarding.