rapunzel_2000 Posted September 15, 2007 Posted September 15, 2007 hi - some of my story is here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t129706/ I had a gig last night with my ex (we are in a band together), who dumped me a little over 3 weeks ago. I was so proud of myself, I acted "as if", was friendly and cordial to him, performed well and I must say, I looked fabulous. :-) We chit chatted a bit, he asked me about another gig I had had a couple of weeks earlier (shortly after he broke up with me) and I told him about it - very light, friendly. The gig was a big success, appreciative audience and a fun night had by all. So this afternoon the ex calls my cell (I don't pick up), asks me to call him back (It's 5PM on a Sat. night)...says he couldn't tell from his earlier call if I would take him on his offer to go out for a drink, sit down and have a chat. He says he would really appreciate it we could talk, although it is entirely up to me, as he really wants to "retain me as a friend" and he thinks he has tried to make it clear how valuable that is to him. He indicates that he is going to around and hopes to hear from me later (meaning tonight, Saturday night). Number one, I ain't goin anywhere, number two, I ain't calling him back tonight. I'm way too tired. It seems strange that he would call me so soon after I made it clear in our prior conversation and last night that I am going to be nothing but friendly and cordial to him, and that working together in the band is not going to be a problem. So I know I should NOT assume anything, and his words clearly state he wants to be friends but his actions make me wonder if he wants something else, or he's just confused, wants to see me and he's just testing the waters. I mean, why would he call so soon and make it sound so urgent? Is he still feeling guilty and just wants to clear the air so he feel better about himself? I don't even know if I'm ready to sit down and talk ...despite a successful night last night, I cried all morning, looked at photos of him, reread my typed chronicles of our relationship, trying to figure it out. I feel like I need more time to heal....and it might hurt too much to sit across the table from the man I'm in love with and hear the "friends" talk. And I don't want or need to respond on his time table, you know? So does this sound like a possible second chance, or what? Am I just reading too much into it? Thanks again for any and all input!
Author rapunzel_2000 Posted September 16, 2007 Author Posted September 16, 2007 OK LS'ers, I'm waiting patiently for your response(s)! After sleeping on it, here's what I've come up with. It's too soon for me to get together with him as "friends". I'm still in love with him) and yes, I harbor hope that he'll want me back. The thought of calling him back to tell him that I don't want to get together to chat about staying "friends" fills me with dread. Although ignoring the call would probably not be the right thing as we do have to continue working together and I may see him one time next week. (or the week after). I mean, he is making an effort. I was thinking I would call him back tonight and tell him that being "bandmates" suits me fine for now, and while I appreciate his offer, I don't really feel up to that right now (or I could say that it's not necessary). I'll say that I felt quite comfortable at our gig the other night, and our rehearsal last week, and that I think with time everything will work itself out. OR....would the chance of reconciliation be stronger if I just suck up my fears, and call him back (maybe even wait until Monday to return the call...make him wonder where I am), agree we can get together (but make him wait a couple more weeks, as I'm "super busy"...maybe even suggest he give me a call in a week or two) and when we do meet, I'll continue the acting "as if", be friendly, not let on my true feelings and hear what he has to say. I'll just listen mostly and if he again reiterates that he just wants to be friends, I say "fine". I don't let on how much he hurt me, I don't get into discussing details of what led to the end of the relationship, etc. He may feel less pressure this way.... Thoughts, LS'ers? Does anyone have advice for me (pretty please)?
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 16, 2007 Posted September 16, 2007 I was thinking I would call him back tonight and tell him that being "bandmates" suits me fine for now, and while I appreciate his offer, I don't really feel up to that right now (or I could say that it's not necessary). I'll say that I felt quite comfortable at our gig the other night, and our rehearsal last week, and that I think with time everything will work itself out. This option is the better one. It isn't exactly a "no", but it is a very no pressure "maybe". It leaves the door open just enough that reconciliation can come of it, but not open so far that it leaves you vulnerable to being hurt.
Author rapunzel_2000 Posted September 16, 2007 Author Posted September 16, 2007 Thanks Lucrezia, this is excellent advice and makes a lot of sense! I'm going to mull this over today and will work on getting up the chutzpah to call him back tonight or tomorrow. Right now I'm a bundle of nerves so I have to settle down. Still interested in any other comments, advice, thoughts??
Author rapunzel_2000 Posted September 16, 2007 Author Posted September 16, 2007 well, I guess I"m the only one doing much posting on my own thread. :-) That's OK but please, I welcome more replies!! A friend suggested that my ex has mixed feelings and thus contacted me so quickly. She thought that if I want to keep the doors of communication open to a possible reconciliation, that I should hear what he has to say and meet with him to hear him out. The risk is that he just feels guilty and wants to really retain me as a "friend" and by having a nice drink and hang together, he can confirm this and see me smile, be my usual self and be absolved of his guilt of dumping me. On the other hand, he could really want to see me as he's not over me and he's just confused, and wants to sort out his feelings. The risk I run of meeting with him is that I get rejected to my face ONCE AGAIn if he confirms he really just wants to be "friends". I will tell him it's soon, these things cannot be forced, and it will just unfold over time. The other risk I run is that if I don't meet with him, I'll never know and I possibly close the door to reconciliation or a "second chance". Thoughts?
peechy06 Posted September 16, 2007 Posted September 16, 2007 Hey Rapunzel When my boyfriend broke up with me (for the third time in 2 months) he was very adament about staying friends. Of course by that point I was so fed up with him that I said I absolutely could not be his friend. Chances are he is either A. Confused/ doesn't know what he wants/ may be wondering if he made the right decision by breaking up with you or B. Feels guilty and wants be sure he is on your good side Ultimately, it is completely up to you if you want to meet up with him and try to be his friend. I understand how hard it could be to meet up with him...I've been there and done that. You said you are scared of being rejected. If you decide to meet up with him b/c you think there is a chance he may want to reconcile, don't let yourself be rejected. Just act calm, cool, and collected. Maybe be a little cold towards him though. Most importantly, don't expect ANYTHING. That way you won't be disappointed. You seem to be taking the break up really well (much better than I did). Stay strong. And let us know what you plan on doing.
Author rapunzel_2000 Posted September 17, 2007 Author Posted September 17, 2007 Hey Rapunzel When my boyfriend broke up with me (for the third time in 2 months) he was very adament about staying friends. Of course by that point I was so fed up with him that I said I absolutely could not be his friend. Chances are he is either A. Confused/ doesn't know what he wants/ may be wondering if he made the right decision by breaking up with you or B. Feels guilty and wants be sure he is on your good side Ultimately, it is completely up to you if you want to meet up with him and try to be his friend. I understand how hard it could be to meet up with him...I've been there and done that. You said you are scared of being rejected. If you decide to meet up with him b/c you think there is a chance he may want to reconcile, don't let yourself be rejected. Just act calm, cool, and collected. Maybe be a little cold towards him though. Most importantly, don't expect ANYTHING. That way you won't be disappointed. You seem to be taking the break up really well (much better than I did). Stay strong. And let us know what you plan on doing. Thanks Peechy, appreciate your thoughts very much. I've been mulling this over all day and I still do NOT feel comfortable even picking up the phone. So if I can't even muster up the courage to return his call, I think it is to soon for me to consider meeting him to hear what he has to say about "being friends". I guess I'm pretty heartbroken. I think you're right about the A and B possibilities of what is going through his mind. I have been very calm, cool and collected throughout this break up. (I'm in my 40's for crying out loud, have made a fool of myself plenty of times when I was younger). I've been friendly but not outgoing to him, the three times I've had to see him since he dumped me. I'll see him again at a rehearsal tomorrow night. When you say "don't let yourself be rejected", what do you mean? I guess you mean having no expectations. I still want him back although I know I should just accept that it could very well be over. I know he's already rejected me but by being told again to my face that he just wants to be friends, will feel like a second rejection. I think I'll tell him, either in a phone call before rehearsal or I'm even considering an email cuz I'm too chicken to pick up the phone, that I need to think about it for a while. Also that I'm very busy this week. I'll ask him to check in with me in a week or two if he wants, and I'll see how things are going at that point.
XxBacktoBlackXx Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 I agree with you that it's probably too soon to talk to him again. Give it some more time, otherwise you could be sent back to square 1 all over again. Don't do that to yourself. Best.
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