Needing your two cents....(really long)

[justice]

I have a friend who is divorced, he has two sons ages 17 and 14.

His ex wife originally had custody of the boys until around a year after their divorce when the boys were really small. It was proven in court that the mother was drinking alot and that the guy that she was with was hitting the kids so my friend got the boys back at that point.

 

Over the years my friend raised the two with very little or no help from the mother. She never paid child support. She was in and out of jail, one time for stabbing a boyfriend who she had gotten into a fight with, and twice for DUI. My friend and his ex always fought like crazy when it came time for her to bring them back from visitation, one time she and her mom outright abducted the boys on one of her visitations and filed for an emergency temporary custody. My buddy and his new wife got them back in court, because the allegations that the ex wife made were proven to be false. At least once a year the ex wife took my friend to court on child custody but always lost.

 

Ok, fast forward to 2003, the ex wife and mom of the boys seemed to really straighten up, she went to school, got a job and got remarried again. And she straigtened up on not throwing fits when it came time to return the boys from her visitation. It really appeared as if she had grown up and stopped everything bad that she was doing. Supposedly, she had even stopped drinking.

 

The boys were now about 13 and 10 years old and they begged their dad to let them go and live with their mom so they could see what it was like, and he refused, but he did give her more visitation with them instead. The boys who had previously gotten along really well with their dad's new wife, began not minding her, calling her names and physically hitting her and making life miserable. Their grades started falling and life was pretty bad at home for my friend and his wife. So when the ex again filed for a change of custody, he decided to let them live with the ex instead of spending thousands on yet another custody battle, after all, it seemed like the ex had straightened out.

 

It went to court, the boys were placed in the custody of their mom even though the judge had reservations because of the ex wife's past with drinking and violence. The judge ordered that the dad pay no child support since the mother had not paid any in eight years that the father had the kids. The dad got standard vistation. Every other weekend, alternating holidays and one month in the summer. The visitations were almost never upheld, only twice in three years did the ex wife let the boys visit, and again the violence started and the police had to be called in every time the father went to pick up the children. It was literally tearing the boys up emotionally. Even with a court order for contempt on the ex wife, it didn't seem to matter to her, she would take the boys away for the father's visitations and refused to let him see the kids. So, he still tried to stay in contact via phone and letters, rarely if ever getting to talk to his sons.

 

The kids by this time, were saying that they didn't want to come and visit their dad, he felt it was because she had poisoned them against him. He had thought of taking it back to court to regain custody but the cost was more than he could afford so he decided to let it be until the boys were older and could decide to visit on their own. Plus, the mother had really turned the boys against their dad and his wife and it was just a bad situation all way around for everyone.

 

In 2006, the youngest son got into a fight with his mom, and called his father for the first time in three years, to see if he could come and live with him, he told his dad that his mom was drinking again and this wasn't the first time that she had been abusive toward him and had locked him out of the house. His dad agreed and called the ex wife and she agreed to let the boy stay with his dad but no papers were signed. When the boy was back with his dad, he told him that his mother had never stopped drinking and would often drink so much that she would pass out, her husband also drank and it was the same situation. His dad asked about the oldest son and was told that the boy had a girlfriend who the oldest was allowed to live with, and that at one point the girlfriend thought she was pregnant. At this time the oldest was 15! And the youngest said that frequently the older boy was drinking and partying and taking bars of xanax.

 

The youngest son gave his dad the oldest boy's cell number and his dad called him and asked him what was going on with him and asked if he wanted to come and live with him too, the oldest refused and told his dad that he didn't want anything to do with him at all, unless his dad could buy him a car. Dad told oldest that he would help him in getting a car but that the oldest had to earn it and pay for it and the insurance and maintenance too. Oldest son says "You owe me, you should just buy it for me and pay for all of that, you are my father." The dad told him no, you need to be responsible for the car and learn to earn things yourself. The oldest son screamed at his dad and told him not to call again he didn't want anything to do with him.

 

Things seemed to be ok between the youngest and the father for a few months. Then the kid started getting into trouble for sneaking tobacco to school, he was thrown off the bus twice for fighting and his grades were falling too. He started making his dad's wife miserable and again things got very tense. The dad got transferred from his company to another town not so far away, the son didn't want to go to the new school so he told his dad he was moving back in with his mom. Not having signed papers, the dad had no choice but to let the boy go back.

 

For a couple of months, things were quiet. Then the dad gets a call from the ex wife that the boy is unmanageable, he drinks, he smokes and skips school, he's hitting her, he's staying out late at night and she can't get him to come home, and when he does he stays on the computer with his girlfriend all night and she can't get him to go to bed or clean his room. The cops pick him up for being out past curfew and she has to pay his fine. The dad tells her she needs to get her head out of the bottle and pay more attention to giving the boys some structure. And she has a cat hair fit when she asks the dad to pay the fine for the boy and he refuses saying that she is the one who is responsible because she has custody.

 

She screams at him that if he had been more active in the boy's lives in the past that maybe things wouldn't be this way for either of the boys.

He reminds her of all of the times she denied him vistitation and she denies ever having not let him see the kids. He hangs up on her and tells her to call back when she can discuss it calmly and not scream at him for something that she was responsible for.

 

He doesn't hear from any of them for a month or so, on father's day, the oldest boy calls, and the dad is overjoyed thinking that the son wants to make amends. Again, the boy demands that his dad get him a car. Again the dad tells him no, you need to earn it but I will help you if you want, but you have to prove that you can be responsible. The son hangs up.

 

In July, the dad gets served with papers from the ex, she is suing for child support. Even though the judge decreed that no child support was to be awarded. He does some investigating. Finds out that the ex is staying drunk all of the time. Has no job, is living off her mom and welfare.

Her husband works only sporadically and he is told that they are using this money for booze. The boys are running the streets, doing drugs and drinking. The mother doesn't seem to care what happens to them at all.

Child support court is in October, and dad feels that if it is granted the mother will use it for booze instead of on the boys. Doesn't feel she deserves it because she doesn't even take care of the boys as it is. So he retains an attorney, who convinces him to not only fight the child support but to seek custody again.

 

All throughout this time the mom is calling the dad, drunk most of the times she calls, and she is abusing him verbally and also the dad's second wife if she answers the phone. Ex tries telling the second wife that the dad is cheating on her, and that he has been in her bed not once but several times and that they want to get back together, second wife tells the ex wife that all of the times she is claiming that the husband was with the ex that he was r with her, which he was, as he wants nothing to do with the ex wife what so ever. They block her phone number so she cannot call anymore. Things quieten down after that.

 

Then on Sept. 11, dad gets a phone call from youngest boy's gf, he has gotten into it again in a fight with his mom who was drunk yet again.

Mom has called the police to come and pick him up and they did and they called dhs to come and take the boy because mom says she doesn't want him back, wants him to never be allowed in her house again. He has hit her for the last time. So dhs picks him up, and court for this incident is yesterday morning. Father goes to court ready to fight for his son and regain custody, dhs tells dad that it was considered abandonment and that they were never told by son or anyone that he still lived in the same state as the kid. DHS checks out dad's house thursday night, it checks out fine.

 

In court yesterday, dad takes several documents on drunken mom, including the most recent one from the cops regarding the incident where she has just abandoned the son. Incident report states that the mother was so intoxicated that she didn't even recognize her own husband! The mother has already recanted, wants the boy back. In court the son tells his ad litem attorney he doesn't want to go and live with his dad, tells dhs the same thing, tells them he doesn't even want to come and visit and tells them it's because his dad is too strict, and won't let him do the things he is used to being able to do when he is at his moms.

Dad figures that the judge will look at the situation and turn the boy over to him and maybe he can straighten the boy up.

 

Judge deliberates about ten minutes and then turns the boy back over to his mom, even though dhs has protested. Their case, however will remain open for thirty days and dhs will be making home visits. Judge has refused to even look at the documents that the father has.

On the way out of the courtroom, the mother spits on the dad and isn't even so much as reprimanded for it. The dad is devastated.

 

The dad has now come to me asking my advice. The sons do not want to come and live with their dad, don't want to visit at all. The child support case is still pending. The mother of course will not uphold the decree of visitation. Dad feels it is only a matter of time until something really bad happens to the kids due to the alcohol and drugs. Oldest is now 17 and the youngest is 14 in November.

 

If it goes to custody court the kids will basically have the say of where they want to live, and even if, the judge gives dad back custody, he is sure that they will get into all kinds of trouble and run off. He wants to drop the custody battle and file to drop all rights to the sons. I told him that I think dropping the custody issue would be wise, told him to continue fighting the support issue because the judge has decreed that since she didn't pay for all the time he had them, that he shouldn't. But, I told him I thought the mom had to agree to him giving up all rights to the boys and that I didn't think she would do that.

 

I don't feel that the judge did right by my friend. She never even looked at the evidence that my friend had regarding the mother's alcoholism.

And I don't agree that turning the kid back over to the mom was a good idea. I think something really awful is going to happen in that situation.

Somebody is going to get hurt, maybe even killed due to the alcohol and drugs involved. After all, she has driven drunk before and has gotten into it physically with both the kids. But with them not wanting to be with their dad at that age, I don't feel like he stands a chance in hell of gaining custody.

 

I don't understand why the judge would order the boy returned to the mother when this is not the first time this has happened and with the mom's propensity for violence and alcohol. What has happened to the justice system? Why are the kids now days allowed to go back into a situation like that when there is a potential danger?? Why??

[brooke 11]

i feel for your friend. it must be very devastating for him.

as to the judge, it's very common. abused children have been handed back over to their mothers, some have even died in their custody.

 

it's still a dominant belief within the judicial system that a child is better off with the mother. statistics can argue otherwise, so can the children and their secondary carers.

 

i hope it all works out for him and his boys.