Never ending cycle or worth the journey?

[Chuckles84]

My dilemma could fall into many categories on this site but decided this was the best place to post given the current state of affairs. Sorry about the length but feel its necessary to get a true answer and understanding to it all...

 

We first met in High School and became deeply in love with one another. We had, like most relationships at that age, our problems and broke up on frequent occasions for various reasons. She prior to me had a very hard time with committing to one person for more than 2 weeks due to, in my eyes, a rough childhood. It's extensive what happened to her but the quick run down is her dad was abusive, parents divorced, Mom was a drug user and is currently a habitual liar of sorts.

 

We dated on and off for three years until we had an extended break. We tried again after 6 months and then again another 6 months after that give or take. Needless to say we ended up back in the same boat of being apart. She hooked up with someone who her friends initially pressured her into dating. She ended up getting pregnant with his child in her senior year of HS and thus married him. I feel she married for the child and not her wanting to be with him. He always pushed for it and she wanted to wait. She even went so far as to ask me to be the child's father and although I said I was willing she retracted the request simply stating it wasn't far to put that on me.

 

We've always kept in contact and I've never lost feelings for her. I put those feelings on the back burner because I didn't think they would be returned if I brought them back out. Well it turned out she felt the same way all this time. We started talking more and I realized, unlike everyone else, that her marriage was in shambles. They fight all the time, he does nothing either with the kids (they have 3 now) or around the house and it's a constant battle to get him to do anything. She says she cares for him but if he doesn't change she is done.

 

Needless to say during out increased communications we've become emotionally attached to one another even more so than we were back in High School. Lots of talk about her leaving him and being with me, texting/calling every day etc. Nothing physical has happened yet though because we feel that is wrong although its come extremely close at times. Now her husband gets orders to leave for Germany (he's in the Air Force) and they leave in a week. At first we had set a plan to where she could give it 6 months, work on her relationship and save up money. If by that time things were not improved in her marriage she would leave and we could try it out again for ourselves.

 

This has been constantly in my thoughts for the last few weeks and apparently it shows in our conversations to the point of which she says I'm being too pushy/controlling over it. I'm a person who speaks their ideas/opinions where I'm involved but in no way do I wish to control someone's life. She is trying to bring things back to a friends level because of it and its killing me. I guess I was a little too obsessive over it but I just feel so strong for her it runs my day to day life and how I view the future. I find myself not being able to sleep unless exhausted and not having the urge to even eat (but I do since I know it's needed.) with a constant anxiety/nervous/depressed feeling inside that I want so desperately to get rid of.

 

So enough of the story telling. My question is do I give her the space for now and lay low while waiting for her to come around and see my point of view? Do I keep in slight contact with her on the friends level (I doubt I could do that) and let her figure things out? Cut all contact off and if/when she leaves him and comes to me to start a relationship give it my all again? Or do I just give it all up and accept defeat?

 

I apologize again for the length and I hope it all makes sense. I had a train of though as to how I would word this but it seems to have come out all jumbled.

[frannie]

Well personally I'd say 'give up', because I haven't seen any OM come on here in the situation you're in and it going anywhere but round and round in very very painful circles.

 

If you do a search on threads started by these three posters: BKRPM, ratingsguy, and (currently posting) werty, you will see what I mean.

 

On the other hand, never say never (I suppose)... maybe once you've read about the other OM you can see whether you think you're in a similar situation or not..?

 

I don't know... I just wish you luck.

[justfine]

You already know how this girl is. You've been on and off so many times, you should know your relationship with this girl is unstable. You probably already know that many women cannot simply leave a relationship without another one in the wings. That's what you are to her, the transition.

 

Do yourself a favor and walk away from this women who does not take her marriage vows seriously. Besides, do you realize how complicated your relationship with this woman would be since she has three children? The husband will always be around.

[norajane]

So what have you been doing with your life while she's been making 3 babies with him? And what will you be doing while she's off in Germany with him?

 

My point is, your life is passing you by while you wait for this woman to make a move. Right now, you are her back-up, you are acting as her crutch and enabling her to stay in her marriage because she has you as her outlet, and frankly, she's made NO move to leave her husband.

 

So, if you want more of the same, wait for her. And wait. And wait.

 

If you actually want a woman in your life and in your arms, date someone else.

[Chuckles84]

So what have you been doing with your life while she's been making 3 babies with him? And what will you be doing while she's off in Germany with him?

 

My point is, your life is passing you by while you wait for this woman to make a move. Right now, you are her back-up, you are acting as her crutch and enabling her to stay in her marriage because she has you as her outlet, and frankly, she's made NO move to leave her husband.

 

So, if you want more of the same, wait for her. And wait. And wait.

 

If you actually want a woman in your life and in your arms, date someone else.

Honestly I was living the single life of bars, friends and very short fling/relationships. I never really made a concerted effort to get a career job. I don't enjoy college and at age 23 I make 54k a year so I don't view myself as unable to provide. Up until we started talking again I was enjoying myself for the most part but always felt the void of something missing. I've never before wanted to date anybody who had children from a previous marriage but my feelings for her and getting to know her children I WANT to do it and take care of them.

 

It seems as though we get to a point of high emotions and wanting to be together and she pulls back. She says the feelings she has more me scare her simply because of how strong they are. After a few days of pulling back, like right now, she comes back strong. I'll admit I have a hand in making the feelings come back though as I'm vocal on my feelings with her.

 

Her current plan or mentality with the whole situation right now is that she with out a doubt is going to Germany. She wants to prove it to her self that she gave the marriage her all (even though they've been fighting and she's wanted to leave for 1.5 years) not just for herself but for the kids. I view staying with someone for the kids a major negative. The H is very verbally abusive towards her, yells all the time and gets physically abusive when he drinks. She bends on her beliefs and gives in almost always just to avoid the fights for the sake of the children.

 

I don't want to continue this relationship the way things are going. I do feel like at times I am her crutch or her escape. I am always there to talk to her, and I never waiver in my commitment and love for her. I feel as though I don't deserve that and it makes me feel cheap and used. I feel as though I should hold off on communication with her, but not completely, while I work on my life and she does hers. If she decides to leave him then we can try to start a relationship but at least my whole life and every day functions won't be hindered by her inability to leave him.

 

After reading a few other OM's posts of their situation things seems to come into light for me. The whole "when the kids move out I'll leave," or the ever changing goals that she sets forth or reasons why she can't leave. She gives me enough to keep me there but never commits anything further.

 

As much as everyone says forget about it though I just can't. I won't let it run my life but I'm not going to just cut it 100% from my life. I guess it's the unwillingness to let go of the, for lack of a better work, dream?

[Chuckles84]

Also forgot to mention that she does plan to save money for if/when she decides to leave and has set a limit of 1 year. It's not to say that she wouldn't leave earlier, but thats the most she will give him to change and put for some effort for once. And when I say work on my life that includes saving money and moving to be with her since she would be moving to where her family is and not her. So if we did decide to be together I'd have to move, which I am OK with.

 

I can't help but also feel that if I back off and stop giving her the emotional backing and support she will have it lacking again and possibly end it faster with him. Wishful thinking I'm sure but who knows.

 

I keep thinking of things and forgetting before I can post. Mixed emotions and feelings racing through my head at all times. It's been a day since we talked, the first in nearly 3 months. The time with NC how ever short has given me time to take a step back and really evaluate everything but yet I still feel utterly confused at times.

[norajane]

So at the age of 23, you've never really had a serious relationship with anyone, with the exception of your on-again, off-again high school relationship with her. Why not?

 

Do you really want a full time relationship with someone? Maybe you don't, which is why it's so easy for you to fixate on this relationship?

 

Are you afraid of relationships, because of all the back and forth you went through with this girl in high school and you don't want to invest in anyone else in case it also turns out to be frustrating?

 

Are you sticking to her because she is familiar?

 

Do you have a need to 'save' people?

 

I think you're too young, and too inexperienced with relationships to pick this one as the one you want.

 

Really, what would you do if she left her H? How do you envision what will happen next? Do you intend to marry her one day? Do you see yourself as father to her kids? What is this dream you don't want to give up?

[Chuckles84]

I've never found someone with whom I connected to like I do her. The longest relationship other than with her was for 6 months and was mainly for physical reasons.

 

Yes I do want a long term and serious relationship. I don't like the "playing the field" life style anymore and I am looking for some thing more reliable and real. I don't think I am afraid of relationships because of our back and forth. Again I think it goes back to the whole not connecting or finding the person interesting on an mental level.

 

Yes she is familiar but what I feel for her I believe is true feelings of Love and caring. We've both admitted that neither of us have ever had feelings for another person like we do one another, even her husband. She loves and cares for him of course but she says it doesn't even compare to the feelings for me.

 

As for saving people though yes I do care for other people and would sacrifice my own happiness for someone I cared about. I've always been interested in law enforcement to help others etc. When I hear about her past and what he does to her it angers me and does make me want to take care of or protect her more but even before that I have incredible feelings for her.

 

If she left him I envision us getting together and dating casually at first since it has been a while since we were together. But yes I can see myself as the father to her kids and it honestly excites me and I couldn't say that about anybody else's kids. I would want to marry her but not just rush into everything.

 

As for holding onto a dream im not sure. I know we always talked about getting married to one another in the past so maybe I am holding onto that. It does admittedly give me a little distaste that she married someone else and had children but I dont hate her for it. I think it's just because I wish that person was me. But aside from the past and simply looking at our feelings now and how well we still get along I'd have to say it doesn't influence my day to day thinking regarding the wanting to be with her. I love her and I've never had such strong feeling for anybody, not even my parents.

[justfine]

In my opinion, it sounds like you just want to be involved in a serious realtionship. You are tired of the bar scene and all that it entails.

 

This is a case where you should really be concerned with the famous old line, "be careful what you wish for." Really stop and think about what a relationship with this woman would mean, instant family. You'll soon find out that it's not picnic dealing with the everyday life of dating a woman with three kids. You're going to dealing with a very grumpy person, not to mention, a bitter, angry military man.

 

Do yourself a favor and don't involve yourself with someone else's wife. Be patient and wait for that special single girl with whom you can possibly start a family of your own. Don't sell yourself short.

[on_my_way_out]

I agree with the comments on being a crutch. You are enabling her to stay in her relationship. You will be always the crutch. How noble to do that for someone else. What happens when you wake up and realize that a crutch is all you have been. There are many many many women out there who will dedicate themselves to you and you can to them. Many you will "connect with" on many many levels. I know it is hard to work through feelings of the heart. Nobody wants to feel pain. That is why she is still in both relationships.

Do yourself a favor and tell her what you need. Set a timeline for yourself and stick to it. The timeline needs to be realistic. Get your life moving and do not be someones crutch. She may love you and you her. But she may not be able to leave if you are so willing to wait and wait and wait.

If you disconnect, she may find the true desire to leave. If she does not, then you will at least be able to move on and not be a crutch waiting in the corner.

Go have fun and find someone.

[on_my_way_out]

PS....

The answer IMO is "A never ending cycle"