sean001 Posted September 15, 2007 Posted September 15, 2007 I wasn't sure if this was the right forum because I think this situation could be unique, but I'm open to everyone's input. I met a girl 3 weeks before she went to the altar with another man. Although nothing happened, there was instant spark and attraction. Just a few days before her wedding, she realized she was making a big mistake to get married (but couldn't bring herself to call it off). We started our "relationship" about a month into her official marriage. About a month later, she left him, moved home, and proceeded with the divorce. It was finalized about six months ago. With all this out of the way, it's been almost two years since our relationship began and she is putting on the pressure for marriage. My problem (and I realize this is unfair): I'm not sure she won't do the same thing to me. Will I walk to the altar and then have her leave six weeks later with some other man? She believes I'm "the one" (and did from the beginning, which is a reason she took the chance in the first place) and I don't doubt the sincerity of her belief. However, I know she was also convinced that her previous marriage was "right" (although without "the one" feeling). I knew it was a mistake to get myself into this situation in the first place, and now I'm not sure if I have faith that I'll be able to get over the way we started, despite my own willing participation. I don't even know how to talk to her about these feelings. Any thoughts?
Chrome Barracuda Posted September 15, 2007 Posted September 15, 2007 Your an F-ing joke and you deserve whatever you get. How can you have a relationship with her when she's married? Your a snake in the grass! And she'll do it to you,once she get's infatuated with someone else. you have two choices either you follow through with the marriage waiting for the inevitable knife in the back or you dump her knowing she cant be trusted. Good luck to you....
Woggle Posted September 15, 2007 Posted September 15, 2007 If you decide to pursie a relationship with a cheater don't be surprised when she does the same thing to you.
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 15, 2007 Posted September 15, 2007 There's a chance I guess, that it could have been a case of her not being sure about being married to him before you even came into the picture, and you were an exit affair - and sometimes with exit affairs, they are just that: an affair that you have in order to end your relationship with someone. Someone on here once said that a lot of people are like monkeys when it comes to relationships - when they are swinging through the trees they don't let go of one branch until they have a firm grip on the next. Will she cheat again? That is a chance you have to take. I would say if she has cheated before in other relationships, and cheated in her previous one then there is a good chance she may cheat on you, or when she is tired of the relationship she will cheat her way out of it as easily as she cheated her way into it. Was this a one time thing? Hard to say. If she says it was, how can you trust her not to be lying about it to tell you what you want to hear? The whole 'pressuring you to marry' thing is pretty bad. She is bound to know on some level that you don't trust her given what she did to her husband, and perhaps she is desperate to think that you trust her - and marrying her will be a symbol of that trust in her mind. Its a hard choice really. Marrying someone who cheated themselves out of a marriage to be with you is like buying a car with a history of engine trouble. You know what you are driving off the lot, and you will always be waiting for that next breakdown to happen. It may never break down, but somewhere in the back of your mind you'll always wonder when it will.
Woggle Posted September 15, 2007 Posted September 15, 2007 To me it is a basic character issue and I would not marry a woman of low character. Cheating is a sign of a self absorbed and self centered person and that will not change with you in the picture.
justfine Posted September 15, 2007 Posted September 15, 2007 It is obvious that this a woman does not take her marriage vows seriously, so, why would you want to marry a woman who so easily broke her marriage vows? Right now, she may be telling you that you are one for her, but, what's to keep her from changing her mind in the future? After the excitement of a new romance wears off and you've settled into the routine of being an ordinary married couple, what's to stop her from seeking out a new romance? Certainly not her commitment to marriage. After reading so many posts regarding adultery and infidelity, I don't think I'll ever get married again. You just never know who you can trust. If you're happy with her, why not just live together? You'll spare yourself a lot of grief in the future should any of you two want out. No legal mess. If you're not sure about her, make sure she doesn't get pregnant and guilt you into marriage.
silktricks Posted September 15, 2007 Posted September 15, 2007 How long was she with the man she married? I see she was only married to him for 2 months, but how long were they together before they married? I'm going to jump off the dock here, but I really don't see any reason why you should assume that she'll cheat on you. From what you've said, she knew as soon as she met you that it was you she wanted, not the man she married. She sounds like she was confused and though she should have been smart enough to stop the marriage from happening, the "marriage train" was already in motion and that can be a pretty difficult thing to stop. You don't say anywhere how old you and she are (unless I missed it which is quite possible), but the younger she was the more difficult it would have been to call a halt after all the planning and everything. To have realized within a space of 2 months that it was a mistake and get out is actually a good thing. Granted again she made the mistake of picking up with you before she got out of the marriage, but it wasn't a long duration. It was only a month. The two of you have now been together for 2 years. Has she in any way implied unhappiness, unfaithfulness, etc. What has she said to you about her past actions? Though past actions can be indicative of future actions. Her past actions have shown that she loves you. Anyway, as I said, I don't think there is any reason to assume that she will leave you because she left her previous husband, but I would recommend pre-marital counseling.
Bryanp Posted September 15, 2007 Posted September 15, 2007 Remember the old saying because it is very true: If she will cheat with you then she will cheat on you!
norajane Posted September 15, 2007 Posted September 15, 2007 Though past actions can be indicative of future actions. Her past actions have shown that she loves you. I disagree. Her past actions show that she puts her desires first - and to hell with the innocent victims in her path, such as the man she made a commitment to KNOWING she wouldn't keep those commitments in any way, shape, or form. I'll bet her husband thought she loved him, too.
Ladyjane14 Posted September 15, 2007 Posted September 15, 2007 I'm not sure I believe that "once a cheater, always a cheater". I'm more inclined to agree with Silk... IF we're talking about a fairly young woman at the time of the adultery. In our late teens and early twenties, we THINK we know it all, but in reality, we don't even really know our own selves. There's alot of growing up to do between 18 and 25. Once we've arrived, sometimes we find we can hardly identify with the person we once were. In any case, it sounds to me like YOU aren't sure. Your best bet is to wait for marriage until you are.... no matter how long it takes. If it's about "being married" for her, let her go out and find someone who's priority is Marriage. If it's about "being with YOU", she'll wait until you're feeling it.
Lostgurl Posted September 15, 2007 Posted September 15, 2007 I'm not sure I believe that "once a cheater, always a cheater". I'm more inclined to agree with Silk... IF we're talking about a fairly young woman at the time of the adultery. In our late teens and early twenties, we THINK we know it all, but in reality, we don't even really know our own selves. There's alot of growing up to do between 18 and 25. Once we've arrived, sometimes we find we can hardly identify with the person we once were. In any case, it sounds to me like YOU aren't sure. Your best bet is to wait for marriage until you are.... no matter how long it takes. If it's about "being married" for her, let her go out and find someone who's priority is Marriage. If it's about "being with YOU", she'll wait until you're feeling it. I'm in total agreement here. Talk to her, and tell her that you aren't ready for marriage. You two haven't been together very long. If she can't deal with that, then chances are she just wants the title of "wife".
Cobra_X30 Posted September 15, 2007 Posted September 15, 2007 ? She sounds like a shopper! If she is... she will always be looking for a better deal. The moment you stumble, turn your back, or lose focus... she will start shopping again. Find out why she wants to get married so quickly? Give it some time... communicate your feelings clearly... and make sure you look at her words and actions objectively!
In Like Flynn Posted September 15, 2007 Posted September 15, 2007 Sounds like a wonderful foundation to a marriage. Deep down you know she is not a long term prospect.
Chrome Barracuda Posted September 15, 2007 Posted September 15, 2007 Sean picked a real winner here. I wonder did he ever apologize to her ex-husband for going behind his back and stabbing him in it??? I doubt it. I hopes he marries her and a few months into the wedding she cheats with his friend and her telling him: I love you but im not in love with you. The spark isnt there any more. blah,blah. Any excuse from any woman I've probably already heard it. Good luck sean, marry the jump off!!!
directx Posted September 15, 2007 Posted September 15, 2007 Hey, give her the benefit of the doubt and date her for at least a year or two. No rush to get married. Tell her marriage is off the table until you both get to know each other. She might be the one. Give it a chance.
Chrome Barracuda Posted September 16, 2007 Posted September 16, 2007 Hey, give her the benefit of the doubt and date her for at least a year or two. No rush to get married. Tell her marriage is off the table until you both get to know each other. She might be the one. Give it a chance. Give her a chance??? Just like she gave her husband a chance and cheated on him not even before the ink dryed on the marriage license. Chance my ass!
Trialbyfire Posted September 16, 2007 Posted September 16, 2007 People are allowed to change their minds after marriage. The only issue is that people need to exit the marriage first, if they've made a mistake, before moving to the next relationship. It's difficult to respect someone that cheats because it doesn't speak well for their ability to not do it again, when panic or regret strikes again. You've known her for two years in an intimate relationship. Listen to your gut instinct. If you feel she will cheat again, she probably will. Regardless if she cheats again, will you ever trust her not to? You decide.
Bobby NoBrains Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 Relationships and situations are not always as black and white as they should be or even as much as they appear to be ... Maybe she made a mistake and then compounded that mistake by cheating. But people do stupid things when they are "in love" or maybe "limerence" as some have preferred to use the word. However she did take the tough way out, and left him and stuck with you for over a year or more ... Whether she is right to expect marriage at this time ? Whether enough time has passed for you to accept that ? Whether you are ready to trust her with your future ? All these are questions you will have to answer. Remember that a person could learn from their mistakes and not repeat them. Does your partner have that kind of a personality ? Remember that your constant suspicion and doubt could drive her away from you and into an affair, esp if she is a weak person. Are you going to be able to not become maniacal about this issue ? A good relationship can never work without trust at it's base. That is why there is so much outrage and hurt when trust is broken. Think long and hard whether you are ready for this with all your heart, and whether she is deserving of you. Also remember that she might have left her ex-husband anyway, but she has been faithful to *you* for so long since then and has not fallen for just every guy. If she is willing to and capable of learning from a mistake and not repeating it, it should inspire more confidence in you regarding your future ... You know her best, you decide Just my two bits .. Bobby
JustBreathe Posted September 19, 2007 Posted September 19, 2007 Yes, what the others are saying about think about what YOU want carefully is the right avenue to take. Don't get married unless and until you are completely ready to give her our heart and your trust to this person. Take your time with this. If she loves you truly, she will wait until you are ready and will not pressure you into something you don't want.
annabelle75 Posted September 19, 2007 Posted September 19, 2007 Thsi probably wasn't the best forum to post this. I would suggest posting git in the OM/OW Forum. You'll find people there that were once involved with married partners and are now working on their relationships. Here you'll just get yelled at alot by bitter betrayed spouses.
Mr. Lucky Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 She believes I'm "the one" (and did from the beginning, which is a reason she took the chance in the first place) and I don't doubt the sincerity of her belief. Just the original post and nothing since? I think you guys scared him away Much talk in your post about how she feels about you but NOTHING about how you feel about her. How "sincere" is your belief in her and the relationship? If it's not 100%, why would you even consider marriage? Mr. Lucky
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