I Left Him And Now I'm Crying...

[sb129]

No, sorry for the misunderstanding, I meant your EX putting so much importance on sex (or lack of).

 

You are a big girl, what you do with your current BF is your business.

[Ocean-Blue]

No, sorry for the misunderstanding, I meant your EX putting so much importance on sex (or lack of).

 

You are a big girl, what you do with your current BF is your business.

 

Yes, he did place a great deal of importance on the value of abstaining from premarital sex. However, I was always honest with him about how I felt about it (for me it was never about religion or a sense of shame in engaging in sex before marriage - it was about being truly ready for it). He got that. So had I not been honest with him (and stated that I didn't want to have sex b/c I didn't believe in pre-marital sex) I would've done a great disservice to him. But I feel that I've been true to myself (although he may disagree).

 

[sb129]

Yes, he did place a great deal of importance on the value of abstaining from premarital sex. However, I was always honest with him about how I felt about it (for me it was never about religion or a sense of shame in engaging in sex before marriage - it was about being truly ready for it). He got that. So had I not been honest with him (and stated that I didn't want to have sex b/c I didn't believe in pre-marital sex) I would've done a great disservice to him. But I feel that I've been true to myself (although he may disagree).

 

 

If you have been true to yourself, then thats all that matters at this stage!

 

I know you feel guilty about how you treated your ex, but at the end of the day, you did him a favour by getting out, because you gave yourself a chance at finding happiness with someone you are more compatible with, and you set him free to look for someone who is more compatible with him.

In time, he will come to see it this way as well. You might never hear it from him- but you shouldn't need to in time anyway.

[Ocean-Blue]

If only they'd let me PM people...

 

Thanks for your words of wisdom sb! I appreciate you taking the time to read what I have to say.

I know you feel guilty about how you treated your ex, but at the end of the day, you did him a favour by getting out, because you gave yourself a chance at finding happiness with someone you are more compatible with, and you set him free to look for someone who is more compatible with him.

Based on what he told me (and what I've heard) he is happy now with the girl he is seeing (and he actually intends to marry her too!). In fact, he has said that he now knows that it was a good thing that we broke up. I'm sure he's much happier with this girl than he ever was with me - I just made it too difficult for him.

 

Hopefully the pain of hurting him will fade away in time...and hopefully I can think back on the memories I have of us with fondness (and not guilt and sadness).

[sb129]

You will be able to PM when your post count gets up a bit.

 

Keep smiling, you know, you don't need to feel bad about this.

[Chrome Barracuda]

You need to stop saying your hurting him and whatnot, because you arent!!! and you can't!

 

I was in the same place of your boyfriend during high school met a girl, fell in love, thought she was the one, waited for her to be with me, all the same time she dated jerks and users. And then 2 years later after we didnt speak she called me. And I lost weight, felt better about myself. Was doing good.

 

She was attracted to me now. The problem was I didnt feel anything for her. I felt dead inside. No happy feelings or nothing. I just looked at her like she was stupid.

 

Yeah I could have had sex with her, but it would have made me feel bad. So I did what was right after being mistreated and led by my nose in a dead end relationship... I dumped her.

 

And it felt great!!!!

 

Stop saying your hurting him, because he's moved on and isnt thinking a lick about you and your boyfriend. He's gonna get his future fiance'e pregnant and have a family with her. Stop dwelling in the past. You broke him, he healed himself, he's moved on, dont contact him.

 

Let it go. Your only hurting yourself.

[Woggle]

I don't mean this to insult you but I do think it is partially an ego thing. Women are used to men just falling apart after a breakup and staying broken so when a man moves on and forgets about you it throws you for a loop. Women on some level enjoy the power they have over men and when they no longer have that power over a man it bruises their ego. You might not even realize this is the reason but sunconciously this has hurt your ego.

[Ocean-Blue]

You will be able to PM when your post count gets up a bit.

 

Keep smiling, you know, you don't need to feel bad about this.

 

I PM'ed you!

[Ocean-Blue]

Chrome Barracuda, thanks for posting!

 

You need to stop saying your hurting him and whatnot, because you arent!!! and you can't!

I think you may have misread my posts. I never said that he is still hurting. In fact, I know he has moved on and is content with his life.

 

She was attracted to me now. The problem was I didnt feel anything for her. I felt dead inside. No happy feelings or nothing. I just looked at her like she was stupid.

If you didn't feel anything for her, then I guess it doesn't matter. But I bet it must've felt good to reject someone that rejected you in the past. I don't see myself ever wanting to get back with my ex (should the two of us ever leave our current partners). My lamenting has nothing to do with me wanting to pursue a current relationship with him (romantic or otherwise). I've resigned myself to the fact that our friendship, which is what matters most to me, is over.

 

Stop saying your hurting him, because he's moved on and isnt thinking a lick about you and your boyfriend. He's gonna get his future fiance'e pregnant and have a family with her. Stop dwelling in the past. You broke him, he healed himself, he's moved on, dont contact him.

 

Again, let me reiterate that I know he has moved on. I know he doesn't think about me or what I'm doing. And as hard as it may be to believe, I'm happy with this. I want him to move on (it's what I wanted right from the get go). What I am struggling with are MY actions towards him near the end. The only analogy I can think of is the loss of a loved one. You keep going over how you treated them in the end...things you said and did...the memories of the friendship.

 

And you're very right, I do need to let this go. I just don't know how.

[Ocean-Blue]

I don't mean this to insult you but I do think it is partially an ego thing. Women are used to men just falling apart after a breakup and staying broken so when a man moves on and forgets about you it throws you for a loop. Women on some level enjoy the power they have over men and when they no longer have that power over a man it bruises their ego. You might not even realize this is the reason but sunconciously this has hurt your ego.

 

Hey Woggle, thanks for weighing in!

 

I really can't say if this is an ego thing or not. I'm not naive enough to claim outright that it's NOT an ego thing...but I have my reservations about stating that IS an ego thing.

 

I took absolutely NO pleasure in seeing someone I love fall apart. He was a mess...it was like watching a slow train wreck (his pain) and there was nothing I could really do (except be cold to him - in my own twisted way, I thought I was helping him move on).

 

But what you say may have some truth to it. The fact that I am mourning NOW is telling (why am I feeling like this after he has moved on and completely shut me out?). I think it's because I was focusing on trying to get him to move on...I was too busy pushing him away because I so badly wanted him to get on with his life (and let me get on with mine). Now that he is doing precisely that, my focus has shifted from pushing him away to dwelling on the pain I caused him. Now that things are "solved" (as in both of us moving on) I can think back on the situation and look at it objectively. And what my gut tells me is that HOW I treated him was horrible. Yes we should have broken up. But the way it happened was just wrong. That's what I can't get over. How I treated him.

[Woggle]

As long as he is happy in his life I wouldn't sweat it. Be happy for him that he managed to find love. We all have things in our past we wish we could do over again and we can't let them eat us up. Just look at this as an example of how not to handle any future breakups.

 

I don't think you got pleasure in seeing his pain but the fact that his life goes on without you probably in some subconcious way bothers you. He may have been broken up before but right now you are probably just another chapter in his life that he has left behind and that is a sobering thought for anybody male or female.

[Ocean-Blue]

As long as he is happy in his life I wouldn't sweat it. Be happy for him that he managed to find love. We all have things in our past we wish we could do over again and we can't let them eat us up. Just look at this as an example of how not to handle any future breakups.

 

I don't think you got pleasure in seeing his pain but the fact that his life goes on without you probably in some subconcious way bothers you. He may have been broken up before but right now you are probably just another chapter in his life that he has left behind and that is a sobering thought for anybody male or female.

 

You know what, yes, after so many years together, I'm pretty sure that it does bother me on some level. The fact that we were together for so long, that we shared so many milestones together (we met as teens)...it does hurt to think that this person doesn't want me in his life anymore.

 

Thanks for the insight Woogle!

[Chrome Barracuda]

Chrome Barracuda, thanks for posting!

 

You need to stop saying your hurting him and whatnot, because you arent!!! and you can't!

 

I think you may have misread my posts. I never said that he is still hurting. In fact, I know he has moved on and is content with his life.

 

She was attracted to me now. The problem was I didnt feel anything for her. I felt dead inside. No happy feelings or nothing. I just looked at her like she was stupid.

 

If you didn't feel anything for her, then I guess it doesn't matter. But I bet it must've felt good to reject someone that rejected you in the past. I don't see myself ever wanting to get back with my ex (should the two of us ever leave our current partners). My lamenting has nothing to do with me wanting to pursue a current relationship with him (romantic or otherwise). I've resigned myself to the fact that our friendship, which is what matters most to me, is over.

 

Stop saying your hurting him, because he's moved on and isnt thinking a lick about you and your boyfriend. He's gonna get his future fiance'e pregnant and have a family with her. Stop dwelling in the past. You broke him, he healed himself, he's moved on, dont contact him.

 

Again, let me reiterate that I know he has moved on. I know he doesn't think about me or what I'm doing. And as hard as it may be to believe, I'm happy with this. I want him to move on (it's what I wanted right from the get go). What I am struggling with are MY actions towards him near the end. The only analogy I can think of is the loss of a loved one. You keep going over how you treated them in the end...things you said and did...the memories of the friendship.

 

And you're very right, I do need to let this go. I just don't know how.

 

Okay so he's moved on but you keep mentioning his hurt, and whatnot. He's moved past that.

 

Oh when I rejected her. I didnt reject her out of maliciousness or sick and twisted payback and sure it might have seemed that way. But I guess she stomped all the love out of me to the point where I didnt give a flying F!

 

In fact I remember talking to her the week after and heard her hurt over the phone and I truly felt bad about it, I started to feel guilty in feeling what I felt. But deep down inside I knew it was the right thing to do. I wasnt the same innocent , carefree kind of guy back in the days anymore, that man I used to be was dead. And trust me it would not have been good for her to hook up with me, I felt she just wanted me because I got a new physique and she was attracted more to what I looked like. Because if she truly cared she wouldnt have minded I was heavy.

 

I felt guilt for the longest time because I broke her heart but I didnt do it to return the favor. I did so to keep her away from me, to keep her safe. I was not the same, and she would not have understood.

 

I see many resembalances between me and your ex it's scary. All that mourning of the friendship stuff to my ears is meaningless. Friends, that's all it was to him and he got sick of it and snapped out of it. Just like me, I enjoy my freedom doing other girls that look way better than the girl I used to mess with. I kinda still felt guilt about it but not anymore.

 

I did what I thought was right.

 

And it never hurt to write a final letter apologizing to him about what you done, I think if he forgives you, all that guilt might evaporate. Forgiveness is what might cure you.

[tinke]

i don't mean to sound rude.....but, i don't get it!!

 

if in fact, you do feel so horrible for the mistreatment, what is stopping you from simply sending a quick note of apology? quite honestly, after so many years of sharing, he did deserve more from you..at the least, a tactful departure.

 

so, i don't understand the dance of guilt, you cannot go back in time, but you can at the very least apologize for your actions. this should not be about his reaction(negative) to the note, or only to uplift you. let's face it, as you said, you did him wrong! but, you have grown to realize the way in which you conducted yourself is ...well, it's a lot of things.

 

sorry, but this has struck a nerve with me, because so many of us have been on the receiving end of crudeness....including myself!

so many times i thought to myself, after so many years he showed no remorse for his coldness, lack of discussion, just ran off to another. it hurts deeply! i believe i would have thought more of him IF...there had at least been an apology, some indication that he knew this caused much pain. it's the way that it was done that hurts deeply, those are the feelings that linger.

 

i believe what you are feeling is the unease of knowing you let someone down (coldly) that you once shared so much with. so, why would you hesitate to say i'm sorry?

i don't understand this...i would think it would come naturally.

[bish]

And then along came someone from my past. A man I dated very briefly A LONG TIME AGO (we were both kids). I broke it off with him back then. Anyway, we somehow ran into each other via the wonderful world wide web. One thing led to another and I found myself getting all giddy and excited from just talking to him.

 

Before things got any weirder, I talked to my ex. I told him that I was having these feelings (this was not new to our relationship) and that I needed time to figure out why I feel this way...at this point it had nothing to do with the guy from my past.

 

Sure it did..you just don't want to admit it.

 

My ex got all upset and said, let's just cut our losses and move on (basically that he couldn't wait around forever).

 

And rightfully so. A man comes along and suddenly you need "time apart".

He did the smart thing.

 

Anyway, we broke up. Mind you, we were a couple that broke up MANY, MANY times...and I suspect my ex thought this was the same old. Anyway, I immediately began pursuing something the other guy (who is now my boyfriend).

 

But my God was it hell... My ex kept calling me crying wanting to get back.

 

well, I guess I just lost respect for him a little there. He should man up and realize you weren't true to him and moved on with someone who will be.

 

And now... I find myself bawling. All the time! I have absolutely no regrets about leaving my ex...but I am so torn over how it happened. I am haunted by the memories I share with him. What's worse is that I keep going over everything I did to him (how cruel I was at times, how indifferent, how disrespectful).

 

And now he's gone. He and I are no longer friends. He wants nothing to do with me. He's moved on (he's with someone else...someone he is going to marry most likely). I'm very grateful for this person in his life (if she wasn't in it, he'd still hurt a great deal over the demise of our relationship).

 

Well at least there is a happy ending in there somewhere. I'm glad he found someone that will not disrespect him..so far so good anyway.

 

I love my boyfriend very much.

 

For now anyway, but what about after being with him for 10 years and the itch sets in again?

 

So there is no romantic pining away for the ex... But the friendship...that, I cannot get over. I cry over the guilt and the friendship. My bf tries to help me through this...but as you can imagine, it's somewhat weird for him to comfort his gf while she bawls over her ex. It's such a weird, f'ed up situation!

 

Ya that is weird....this must be a new relationship with the new bf and is still fairly fresh...because after the newness wears off I can't see any man being understanding of their SO bawling over an ex..even if they said it was simply the loss over the friendship part.

 

I miss my friend. I miss the hugs and the talks.

 

You miss the hugs? In that it says you pine for physical contact with your ex...does your bf know of this?

 

 

I miss his dumb jokes. But I can honestly say I can live without his friendship. It's the fact that he wants nothing to with me that hurts.

 

Well you can't blame him for it. But really....since you wanted to break it off and wanted to start seeing another man....really though..why would you care?

 

 

But the WORST THING...the freakin' memories (the good times, remembering how I treated him like absolute **** near the end). And now, it's like he died. And I can't do anything about it.

 

I don't know how I'm going to get over this.

 

By putting your efforts into the man you decided to be with over your ex.

 

You at least owe your current bf that respect.

[sb129]

Sadly, sometimes we just can't retain friendships with exes, even if we have shared so much with them. New partners can't always be expected to be "cool" with a friendship like that either.

Mourning the loss of the friendship is very common when long term Rs end.

It does get better with time, as you find other things to fill the voids left by other person.

 

I think time (and limiting beating yourself up) is the best healer in this situation.

[CaliGuy]

I think you guys are being a little rough on OB.

 

She understands she hurt her ex and at the time this was happening she didn't realize the damage she caused.

 

Now that things are starting to hit her, she is feeling guilt. She isn't worried about him now as he's obviously moved on.

 

She just feels guilty for how badly she treated him and is asking how to deal with it. I commend her honesty. A lot of us who have been in her ex's situation wonder if our ex's regret their decisions. She doesn't regret it but she also knows the damage she caused and is being honest with her feelings.

 

Cut her some slack.

[tinke]

still...if one is truly sorry...what is so complicated about sending a note saying so. it is one thing to think and feel the guilt, but, a higher level of remorse to act on it!

[CaliGuy]

still...if one is truly sorry...what is so complicated about sending a note saying so. it is one thing to think and feel the guilt, but, a higher level of remorse to act on it!

 

I believe she did apologize to him. He doesn't want to hear from her.

[Trialbyfire]

Apologies can be viewed as lip service. Some people need forgiveness. Her ex doesn't have to give her forgiveness if it's not in his heart. Her guilt and desire for friendship, is hers to own and burden to carry.

[tinke]

sorry if it is my error...but, i have re-read these posts, and i do not see where she stated she apologized. she IM him to break-up and he begged to see her in person, she refused. i understood it to say, they had spoken months ago, and he was prepared to move on..she was busy pushing him away for him to start a new life(by her admission). it is only now, recently, that she is feeling the guilt. this is how i took it. so, with new wisdom and growth...apologize!

 

no, you cannot replay the past..but, you can admit wrong doings.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I read what bish wrote and rightfully so I read the posters original post.

 

10 years no sex??? You dump him for someone else, citing that you needed space?

 

I snapped just like him too.

 

It's understandable when you have power or dominance over a person for so long it's heartbreaking to see them reclaim themselves and your not wanted. It's like you miss your whipping post.

 

But what did she expect she put him in the friend's zone for so long. It was only a matter of time before he was gonna feel his self awareness and go and get some new coochie.

 

It happens to a lot of guys I've met over the years. They fall in love with one girl, the girl treats them like garbage, guy hits the gym, years later the girl wants him, she was immature, blah,blah,blah. But they need to understand that same person you treated like garbage isnt the same person. They've changed.

[rockinbeyondrepair]

this happened to me...cutting off my right foot with a rusty hacksaw helped a little but the feeling of loss of such a dear friend was just overwhelming...

[Ocean-Blue]

Chrome Barracuda and tinke:

 

I actually did write a “final letter” a few days ago. It’s sitting in my drafts folder at the moment. I want to send it to him, but a part of me is hesitant. Why? For one thing, I want to know that he’s opened it – what if he sees that it’s an email from me and discards it?

 

He last contacted with me was an email – in it, he asked me to never contact him. He said that I was his past (understandably so) and he didn’t want his future with his gf to be affected.

 

In this email I pretty much tell him what I have to say. I thank him for the immeasurable support he provided me over the years. He was someone that was always there – no matter the time or place. He loved me in such a complete way that it still leaves me baffled. But more than his love…it was his commitment to me, to “us” that was truly admirable. He is a standup guy. And I wanted him to know that – that he was never the “lesser one”, that he is the cream of the crop.

 

I expect absolutely nothing from him, except that he read the email. That is enough for me.

 

And CB, about the sex thing. While he and I remained virgins throughout the relationship, it was a choice we both made TOGETHER. It was not a matter of me avoiding his advances or making him feeling unwanted or unattractive. We both had our reasons for waiting and it was NEVER a sore spot in our relationship . If anything, he was grateful that I wanted to wait…it helped him remain faithful to his religion. For us, sex wasn’t the be all and end all…it was something we were looking forward to (when we were both ready – when we were married). I never cheated him out of anything in terms of sex.

 

As for what you said about some girls treating their bfs like garbage only to have them return in better shape, etc… This really doesn’t apply to me. Aside from the very horrid end, our relationship was based on mutual love and respect.

***

 

bish:

 

If there’s one thing I know about myself, it’s that I am honest with myself and with the ones I love. My bf is well aware of the situation; he knows how much I miss my ex and my struggle with the memories and my actions towards the end. He has been, on the whole, understanding. He also knows that I miss my ex’s hugs. He understands that this is not a romantic sort of pining away… A hug can be shared between platonic, but albeit very close, friends.

 

As for the 10 year itch…I’ve learned my lesson. Should I ever have doubts in this current relationship, I will do whatever the hell I can to deal with it…but I certainly will not continue for the sake of history or family or friendship. My bf is aware of this. He knows my history very well and knows what he got himself into. That said, I truly believe I share a unique chemistry with my bf. I’ve always had a very difficult time being truly attracted to someone (I run at the sign of ANY flaw) – with him…for whatever reason, it is different. But then again, things happen… The best I can do for this current relationship is be honest with my bf and deal with any issues as they arise.

***

 

sb129:

 

If only we lived in a world where exes could be friends. I know some people are able to attain this…but sadly, that can’t happen b/w my ex and I. I look forward to a time when I am not overwhelmed with this grief. Like I said, it comes and goes.

 

***

 

CaliGuy:

 

I appreciate your supportive words.

 

But considering that most of the ppl who have responded are those who’ve experienced similar treatment (as my ex), I can totally understand their criticism and anger.

 

No one deserves to be treated like a disposable commodity. Theirs and my ex's anger is TOTALLY understandable.

 

But thank you again for backing me up! I am trying to be as honest as I can with myself…there is no other way to get through this (b/c if I’m not…it’ll all come and bite me in the ass later on).

 

***

TBF:

 

What you said about apologies possibly being viewed as “lip service”… This is how my ex will react. At first, he was grateful for any sign of compassion on my part (hell, when I cried, he’d be there for me…rather than focus on the pain, he’d tell me it was going to be OK!).

 

I’m hoping that the letter I may send to him will help him know that I do care…that I’m not the cold hearted bitch that I was near the end…that I do in fact love him.

 

But yes, I suspect that this guilt will be mine and mine alone – he will do nothing to assuage it (but then, who can blame the guy?).

 

***

 

rockinbeyonrepair:

 

Yes, I totally realize the loss of my friend now. But there’s nothing left to do except move on from this. Thanks for your post!

[Trialbyfire]

Good luck Ocean Blue. I do hope it works for you but in many ways, don't you think you owe him the courtesy of leaving him to his new life?