scaredinlove Posted September 15, 2007 Posted September 15, 2007 And give up all those "bennies"?? The house, the kids, the retirement, the life?? No way. So (the majority of the time) the BS stays - and either makes her husband miserable for the rest of his life, or becomes a doormat herself to keep him around. Either way you slice it, that ain't no way to live. I would rather give it all up than live miserable for the rest of my live. But I agree not everyone is the same......
blowingthetrout Posted September 16, 2007 Posted September 16, 2007 Then I would have suspected that you'd have spelled it correctly. your name is spelled? um uh Fandango? Hobocamp? Ho-hobocamp!!! what do I get? pizza pizza pizza!!!! (BTW-This forum is so damn glamorous!! kisses!)
bish Posted September 16, 2007 Posted September 16, 2007 your name is spelled? um uh Big difference in putting a cultural twist on the spelling of a word, and claiming to be in a certain profession and completely not knowing how to spell it.
lovernotafighter Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 Big difference in putting a cultural twist on the spelling of a word, and claiming to be in a certain profession and completely not knowing how to spell it. it never crossed any one's mind it could have been a typo? besides that, why does anyone give a sh*t is really what I want to know?
OWoman Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 <snip>IMO the BS and the OW are both drawn to, attracted to and often committed to a man who is less that what either deserve or really want in a relationship - further, IMO both the BS and the OW are probably working much harder and thinking much longer about ways to keep the relationship viable than the man is....or needs to. Both the BS and the OW are no doubt doing the same type of comparison to each other (is she prettier, does he love her, does she do this....blah, blah, blah..) and at the end of the day, both should be thinking and knowing that they really don't need this guy to make there lives complete. My opinion differs from yours on this "a man who is less than what either deserve of really want" - I'd disagree on that for both! As a serial OW, it's been exactly what I really want. I've always preferred As with MMs because you can cherry pick the good bits without having all the cr@p. And, having watched a fair number of BWs, I'd say they typically get exactly what they deserve. Well, perhaps more than they deserve, since they're seldom dumped outright; mostly they're kept on so they still have access to the stuff they're really interested in (credit card, house, kids, his status) although no longer to him in the full sense. "keeping their relationship viable with the man" - if this was typically the case, he wouldn't be in the A. The M has bottomed out, mostly. And the OW doesn't need to be investing heavily in it - the MM is doing the investment, the OW is enjoying. "same type of comparison to each other" - I can't speak for BWs on this, and perhaps some of that is inevitable after DDay, but I don't know of any OW who've done this, and I've certainly never done it with any of my MM's wives along the way. I've never been interested. If he'd wanted them instead of me, he'd be in their beds not mine. Buying them gifts not me. Choosing to spend time with them, not me.
vaguelette Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 My opinion differs from yours on this "a man who is less than what either deserve of really want" - I'd disagree on that for both! As a serial OW, it's been exactly what I really want. I've always preferred As with MMs because you can cherry pick the good bits without having all the cr@p. And, having watched a fair number of BWs, I'd say they typically get exactly what they deserve. Well, perhaps more than they deserve, since they're seldom dumped outright; mostly they're kept on so they still have access to the stuff they're really interested in (credit card, house, kids, his status) although no longer to him in the full sense. "keeping their relationship viable with the man" - if this was typically the case, he wouldn't be in the A. The M has bottomed out, mostly. And the OW doesn't need to be investing heavily in it - the MM is doing the investment, the OW is enjoying. "same type of comparison to each other" - I can't speak for BWs on this, and perhaps some of that is inevitable after DDay, but I don't know of any OW who've done this, and I've certainly never done it with any of my MM's wives along the way. I've never been interested. If he'd wanted them instead of me, he'd be in their beds not mine. Buying them gifts not me. Choosing to spend time with them, not me. The first part I've bolded contradicts the second part. I'm sure if you were as happy with your current sexual situation as you are trying to portray, you wouldn't actually be here. Another contradiction... Not surprising coming from an OW...
bish Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 it never crossed any one's mind it could have been a typo? Sure...but not when she typed "physcologist"...its a little more than a type. besides that, why does anyone give a sh*t is really what I want to know? Oh I don't know...someone claiming to be a "psychologist" would have spelled it right. Just curious if she was kidding, or trying to make us believe she was one.
luvmy2ns Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 And as for the right speling for the word or Bubble level of education ,that is all irrelevant. I thought he brought up a good point that gives a lot of food for thought. You missed my point. The reason I mentioned the spelling isn't to point out anything about level of education in that someone who can't spell shouldn't have a viewpoint. I pointed out that the OP misspelled his profession not once, but twice, which obviously means he's a liar, and the whole thread would be based on a lie. He said he was asking as a psychologist, which puts an entirely different spin on a thread. Someone claims to have this level of education about getting inside people's heads, and THEN wants to talk about an issue. Don't you think other people reading this supposed psychologist's view point would put more weight on what he said if they really believe he is a psychologist? He should just start the thread as an interested person and not put more importance in people's minds on what he might have to say.
OWoman Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 The first part I've bolded contradicts the second part. I'm sure if you were as happy with your current sexual situation as you are trying to portray, you wouldn't actually be here. Another contradiction... Not surprising coming from an OW... Contradicts, how?? I don't see it? I've not done a study, so I'm relying on anecdotal evidence here, but from what I've heard tell, few MMs embarking on As withdraw the privileges I listed as examples from their Ws. I don't see how that contradicts - and again, I'm basing this on anecdotal evidence from other OWs I know, and my own experience - my view that OWs don't walk around comparing themselves to the BWs. In most cases, I've not ever met nor known anything about my MMs' BWs. It's simply not relevant to me. In a couple of cases I've landed up meeting them by complete accident in other contexts - long after the end of the A in one case, and at the all-but-over stage of another. Neither of them held the remotest interest for me. I genuinely don't understand what you're seeing as a contradiction? And as for being happy - well, no: we'd like to be together sooner, even immediately, but we can't. So that's a frustration we need to work through, enjoying our times together in the meantime and working hard at the other stuff to speed that up. Not sure why that's a contradiction either, though, or how that can be extrapolated somehow to some generic OW condition?
PoshPrincess Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 Back to similarities between the BS and OW, the only real similarity is that they stupidly fell in love with and trusted the same man. Of course, the BS is the one who has the 'right', for want of a better word, to grieve, to be hearbroken, etc (unless the OW didn't know the WS was married). As for the BS staying for financial security and status. Yes, it must certainly be a factor. I would say that the majority have a fair amount of support, even after D, as I suspect there are some WS who would want to do all they can to try and make amends, by supporting their exBSs as much as possible financially and otherwise. I think of status as in 'being married' (as opposed to being divorced). If they come from backgrounds with stong family values, ie from families who haven't divorced, then they may feel they have something to live up to. My Dad was brought up a strict Irish Catholic and, although completely atheist himself, never left my Mum until his own Mum had died because he was concerned about what she would think (and he wasn't even a WS as far as we know). Quite pathetic and gutless really, if you're that unhappy, but I would imagine this is a fairly common reason why a BS would stay with a cheater or why the WS stays when he is in an unhappy marriage or is in love with someone else.
Lyssa Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 Sure...but not when she typed "physcologist"...its a little more than a type. Oh I don't know...someone claiming to be a "psychologist" would have spelled it right. Just curious if she was kidding, or trying to make us believe she was one. If I'm not mistaken, she also spelled it incorrectly twice.
herenow Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 I will agree that an affair can cause pain for both the BW and the OW.. I also agree that the blame should be placed on the one that is cheating. The difference is the BW is not given the choice and in most cases is unaware that the other two people in the triangle are involved. Both the MM and the OW are aware of what they are doing (unless the MM has lie to the OW about being married), and both of them know that they are doing something that will eventually hurt a third, and in most cases innocent, person. If the OW wants to claim that it's not her problem because she is not part of the marriage, then after D-day she has to accept the fact that she is still not part of the marriage and, if the couple decides to stay together, she is left to deal with her choices and must move on. If the MM leaves to be with the OW, then the wife needs to move on as well.
Impudent Oyster Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 And, having watched a fair number of BWs, I'd say they typically get exactly what they deserve. Well, perhaps more than they deserve, since they're seldom dumped outright; mostly they're kept on so they still have access to the stuff they're really interested in (credit card, house, kids, his status) although no longer to him in the full sense. . Just LOL at the kept on reference...really funny stuff. I must be a VERY deserving wife, because my husband certainly goes out of his way to keep me on, and I'm not cheap either! Hey, aren't you the serial OW who's MM is supposedly leaving his wife for her this time? Good luck with that!
2sunny Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 And give up all those "bennies"?? The house, the kids, the retirement, the life?? No way. So (the majority of the time) the BS stays - and either makes her husband miserable for the rest of his life, or becomes a doormat herself to keep him around. Either way you slice it, that ain't no way to live. i gave up the "bennies" for my own self respect after 20 years of marriage and 3 years of dating. some things i just won't forgive more than once. and yes, we seemed to have the perfect life... like i said - self respect. it is everything.
Impudent Oyster Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 we'd like to be together sooner, even immediately, but we can't. Why is that serial OW? What's got MM dragging his feet?
luvmy2ns Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 Why is that serial OW? What's got MM dragging his feet? The knowledge of what he stands to lose v. what he stands to gain. If a man or woman truly wants to be with their "other," they'd find a way to be with them.
herenow Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 The knowledge of what he stands to lose v. what he stands to gain. If a man or woman truly wants to be with their "other," they'd find a way to be with them. This is a fact of life that is very hard for most OW to accept. It's much easier to believe that the MM stays for various reasons. Reality is that they stay because they want to. MM who cheat do whatever they want to do. If they wanted to leave they would no matter what. They also say whatever they need to say to make life easy on them. If that means that they use their kids or crazy wife as the excuse to stay, so be it. It's not like the MM is being truthful in the first place now is it?
luvmy2ns Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 This is a fact of life that is very hard for most OW to accept. It's much easier to believe that the MM stays for various reasons. Reality is that they stay because they want to. MM who cheat do whatever they want to do. If they wanted to leave they would no matter what. They also say whatever they need to say to make life easy on them. If that means that they use their kids or crazy wife as the excuse to stay, so be it. It's not like the MM is being truthful in the first place now is it? Oh, no. Of course he's being honest! Ask the OW. She'll tell you. She must believe that in order to feel okay. I just want to shake some of these people. I mean, really. Can't they see they're being used? Can anyone be so special that a guy who would keep them on the side for months, or even years in some instances, isn't going to lie to them just like they lie to their wives?
herenow Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 Oh, no. Of course he's being honest! Ask the OW. She'll tell you. She must believe that in order to feel okay. I just want to shake some of these people. I mean, really. Can't they see they're being used? Can anyone be so special that a guy who would keep them on the side for months, or even years in some instances, isn't going to lie to them just like they lie to their wives? But then the OW would say that the wife is a fool for staying. Can't the wife see that her H doesn't love her and wants the OW? Fact is, most BW don't even know what their H is doing until there is a discovery. After a D-day, most MM choose to stay married if they are even given that choice. I think most of us BW here have said that we gave our H the freedom to be with the OW and the MM are the ones that begged us to take them back. In my case, I kicked him out, got a lawyer and a good therapist. It wasn't until we both had some time apart that we decided to give our marriage a second chance.
OWoman Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 Why is that serial OW? What's got MM dragging his feet? Not him dragging his feet - there are practical reasons on both sides. I can't do it any sooner either.
PoshPrincess Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 Oops, hang on a minute. Reading the last few threads (apart from OWomans) I thought I'd accidently logged on to the Infidelity forum! This is a fact of life that is very hard for most OW to accept. It's much easier to believe that the MM stays for various reasons. Reality is that they stay because they want to. The reality is not that they want to stay but that they don't want to leave, or rather that they don't have the balls to leave. If they had balls, then surely they would leave their Ws before they decide to cheat? Like many of have said time and time again (and that includes BSs) most men just like an easy life. Unless they are really strong then they tend to take the easy way out, choosing the option that upsets the least people. And don't forget, they all love to play the martyr!
luvmy2ns Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 And don't forget, they all love to play the martyr! Yes, all the while lying through their teeth to both the BW and the OW.
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