What do your do when you W has a crash on MM and U found it out by invading her priva

[Immigrant]

Please help,

By accident I came across email that my wife send to an acquintance. I started invading her privacy by checking her emails and for the fact I know that she has a huge crash on him. She wants him.

Needless to say I am completely devasteted. Can't even eat. Can't think straight. And that is a problem. I can't think of a way to let her know that I know and not get smushed because I was spying after her.

I am very liberal and I am open to having fantasies about other people but this has been hidden from me and it is obviously something else. She has not shared with me any of it.

How should I bring this up so I would not give my "detective" work away? I bet there are many ways but in this state of mind is so hard to think.

Thanks,

immigrant

[justfine]

Be glad you found out regardless of how.

 

If I were you, I would ask her if she's happy and if she still loves you. Pay close attention to her reaction. If may be helpful if you posted your age, how long you've been married and if you have any children. If you don't have any children, it will make it easier for the both of you, should you decide to get divorced.

 

Since your wife appears to be aggressive and is actively pursuing this OM, you can be sure that she's got what it takes to be a cheater. If not this guy, it will be someone else.

 

If she becomes involved in an affair where the two fall in love, the other man will likely press for her to leave you. That is a very common cause of divorces. You've caught on early, maybe there is something you can do to save your marriage, or end it on your own terms.

[Immigrant]

I am 38, she is 37, two kids (6,4). We've been married for 11 years.

Let me explain a little more the entire situation. Last night I was in a very confused state of mind.

She knows this guy, who is married and has two kids himself, through a kids event. They went there every week, one of my wife friends is a friend with one of the band members, so it was not unusual to get to know each other a little better.

This guy also plays in adults band and my wife went to see the concert with a friend. I think she liked him before already but they had an opportunity to hang out in more adult setting with alcohol being consumed as well. They were not alone, but in one of her emails to him she said it was good they were not alone because she would make a move if they were.

I don't think they have been physical but she is emotionally into him. I understand that I think it happenes to everybody a few times in your life. You love one person and all of a sudden this other person enters your life and masses everything in your head. The tricky part is that you don't go too far. What is too far depends on each individual. Is thinking about that other person too far? Is emailing erotic fantasies too far? Is fantasizing about that person while masturbating or having sex with your partner too far? Well, each person knows for her/him self what is too far.

Like I said I am very liberal in that regard. We have talked about other people before and fantasize about them together. That doesn't bother me. It bothers me that I am not a part of it. That is what bothers me that it may happen more that has happened and I'll be left on a side. I know this may sound strange, desperate etc.

I asked her questions you mentioned and her response was sincere and I know she loves me and family but there is that thing that comes every once in a while and it's hard to resist it. I want to help her resist it. I just need to find a way to bring this up without giving it away how I found out. Makes sense?

Thanks.

[BestAdvisor1]

I want to help her resist it. I just need to find a way to bring this up without giving it away how I found out. Makes sense?

Thanks.

 

Tell her you heard from someone who say your wife and the other guy getting somewhat flirtatious at the event or hangout place and that you're concerned. You need to act quickly. When she has an opportunity with him alone, based on what you wrote, she can go all the way. This is not an event where your wife is flattered by some other guy's attention, but it seems that she's actively persuing him by giving him hits that she wants him.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Understand one thing. There is a difference between privacy and secrecy. Your wife will do everything in her power to make her secrecy into some sort of "right" to privacy. Do not let her do that. The second she tricks you into making this about that issue, you are sunk. It is time to take some real action to end this.

 

You say he is a MM (married man)? Print out all the emails, and make sure his wife gets them. Make sure she got them - send them by registered mail with a return receipt, and make sure that only she can sign for it. Then, once you get a return receipt - you can talk to the MM's wife if you need to on how to take a united front on forcing this to end. Then, once you have done that, hand your wife copies of those same emails and inform her that her MM's wife got them as well and that her interaction with MM is over.

 

If she tries to make this about her 'invaded privacy' firmly remind her that this is about her secrecy and her infidelity, not her right to privacy and refuse to discuss anything related to 'right to privacy'. Physically leave, if she will not stop talking about it and let her know that you will talk to her when she is ready to address her infidelity, and not her 'right to privacy'. Make it clear that she has a choice: 'no contact' with the MM and marriage counseling, or divorce. No in between.

[BestAdvisor1]

Understand one thing. There is a difference between privacy and secrecy. Your wife will do everything in her power to make her secrecy into some sort of "right" to privacy. Do not let her do that. The second she tricks you into making this about that issue, you are sunk. It is time to take some real action to end this.

 

You say he is a MM (married man)? Print out all the emails, and make sure his wife gets them. Make sure she got them - send them by registered mail with a return receipt, and make sure that only she can sign for it. Then, once you get a return receipt - you can talk to the MM's wife if you need to on how to take a united front on forcing this to end. Then, once you have done that, hand your wife copies of those same emails and inform her that her MM's wife got them as well and that her interaction with MM is over.

 

If she tries to make this about her 'invaded privacy' firmly remind her that this is about her secrecy and her infidelity, not her right to privacy and refuse to discuss anything related to 'right to privacy'. Physically leave, if she will not stop talking about it and let her know that you will talk to her when she is ready to address her infidelity, and not her 'right to privacy'. Make it clear that she has a choice: 'no contact' with the MM and marriage counseling, or divorce. No in between.

 

Totally agree with the post above. My prior post would be more appropriate if you were just in the dating stage. This is a marriage; it should and need to be exclusive. By doing the mailing, it will make your wife realize the consequences of home wrecking and heart breaks her actions will cause and it might make her respect you more in the end for stopping all this from going further.

[norajane]

We have talked about other people before and fantasize about them together. That doesn't bother me. It bothers me that I am not a part of it.

Yes, that's the crux of the problem - she is hiding this whole thing from you. If it were just a harmless crush, she'd have shared it with you as she has done before. Instead, she is carrying on behind your back, it's not just in her head - she actually has been flirting and has emailed and expressed her feelings to him, and maybe would/will do more if it is allowed to continue. She is keeping this a secret because she knows she is doing something that would jeopardize your marriage and your respect for her if you knew - she is disrespecting you and your marriage, and she is abusing your trust and the vows she made. It's one thing to fantasize; it's quite another to ACT on those fantasies.

 

I agree with Lucrezia - nip this in the bud and do not allow the conversation to focus on privacy. This is about secrecy and hiding her actions and infidelity - no one is entitled to complete privacy in a marriage - it's a privilege that is based on trust and she is abusing that privilege. In any case, you weren't snooping - you came across an email by accident, saw that she had violated your trust, and looked for more information because it wasn't likely that a person who is HIDING stuff from you would come clean and be HONEST and tell you herself.

 

How you found the information is irrelevant. That there was something to find is a sign that there are cracks in your marriage, and if you do nothing, those cracks will eventually destroy everything...your wife is going to let that happen. Just by hiding all this, she is putting distance between you. By spending all this energy on him, she is taking from the energy she could be giving to you and your family. Do something now before it's too late.

[In Like Flynn]

Do worry about giving up that you read her emails!!! Nip this in the butt immediately or you will eventually come across an email where they talk about thier first time having sex. Stop it now and make sure that his wife reads the emails as well. Exposure works.

[Cobra_X30]

You dont have to reveal the source of your information. Have you checked your phone records?

 

Be very vague... let her know that you percieve something is up, and that you want her to let you know!! Also, I'd make sure she knows exactly what you mean to her, because it sounds like she is looking for attention elsewhere!

 

Side note: I hate guys in bands that do this crap!

[Darth Vader]

Install a Good keylogger on the computer, I'm assuming that you two only have the one computer? That way if she does try to take this thing underground, like opening up a secret e-mail account, you've got her!

[Trialbyfire]

Understand one thing. There is a difference between privacy and secrecy. Your wife will do everything in her power to make her secrecy into some sort of "right" to privacy. Do not let her do that. The second she tricks you into making this about that issue, you are sunk. It is time to take some real action to end this.

 

You say he is a MM (married man)? Print out all the emails, and make sure his wife gets them. Make sure she got them - send them by registered mail with a return receipt, and make sure that only she can sign for it. Then, once you get a return receipt - you can talk to the MM's wife if you need to on how to take a united front on forcing this to end. Then, once you have done that, hand your wife copies of those same emails and inform her that her MM's wife got them as well and that her interaction with MM is over.

 

If she tries to make this about her 'invaded privacy' firmly remind her that this is about her secrecy and her infidelity, not her right to privacy and refuse to discuss anything related to 'right to privacy'. Physically leave, if she will not stop talking about it and let her know that you will talk to her when she is ready to address her infidelity, and not her 'right to privacy'. Make it clear that she has a choice: 'no contact' with the MM and marriage counseling, or divorce. No in between.

Excellent advice. If this doesn't cover every aspect from all directions, I don't know what will.

[Mr. Lucky]

How should I bring this up so I would not give my "detective" work away?

I think it's a little like National Security - sometimes the need to know has to override everything else. You've been given some good advice here, but I'll add one more thing. Watch your wife's reaction when you confront her on this. If she tries to turn it around and make any discussion more about your snooping than her affair, you've got bigger problems as it means that her attachment to the OM is, in her mind, ongoing and worth covering up. Be careful!

 

Mr. Lucky

[Bobby NoBrains]

Some things I want to say.

 

1. You dint *invade* her privacy. You saw something by accident that was not appropriate. You wanted to find out what's going on. You did. That's allowed. Once you're married, inappropriate behaviour is not supposed to be private or secret.

 

2. Even though you are liberal this is not inside the boundaries that you two have set for the both of you. That gives you every right to ask for an explanation about what's going on.

 

3. You have been given an opportunity to nip this problem in the bud before it blooms into something very serious that could destroy your marriage and your relationship. Take that chance. Don't ignore what's happening.

 

I think you should just sit her down and talk to her. Ideally in a private setting where you can judge her behaviour and reactions. Your instinct will tell you the truth about what's going on.

 

Maybe being caught in the early stages will be the wake up call she needs. It also lets her know you will not tolerate being disrespected like this. It also tells her she needs to change her behaviour to make sure something like this doesn't happen. It also brings out to her that her marriage and relationship are in jeopardy and if she cares about you and your relationship, she will definitely stop all this kind of behaviour totally.

 

Good luck to you ...

 

Just my two bits ..

 

Bobby

[Chrome Barracuda]

Hand the OMW the evidence and let the mm deal with it, hand your wife fesh divorce papers and send an email with the evidence to the friends and relatives.

 

And tell her sayonara!

 

That's a scorched earth policy.

 

But if that's not what you want then confront her, and tell her you know everything that's going on. And make an ultimatim and be prepared for the worse but it's either him or you.

 

Good luck to you.

[bish]

What do you do? If you don't have kids, divorce her ass.

 

If you do, then its a call you'll have to make. Aparantly you had a reason to be suspicious to invade her privacy. I wouldn't have any problem with telling her what you found out.

 

I'd say, "so, you want to f#ck [whatshisname] eh?"..while reading the paper and being nonchalant about it. See what she says...her head will starting spinning wondering what you know. Don't give up the edge and don't tell her how you know...just say you found out through the grapevine that she wants to bone another guy.

 

Start it off that way. But really...if no kids...dump her. She may not have physically cheated, but she would if given the chance.

[bish]

Do worry about giving up that you read her emails!!! Nip this in the butt immediately or you will eventually come across an email where they talk about thier first time having sex. Stop it now and make sure that his wife reads the emails as well. Exposure works.

 

Thats a good idea. But is still doesn't change the fact that she is not worthy of trust. I just read that he does have kids with her. That makes it really hard. I, however, found out that kids or no kids, you shouldn't stay with a cheater or someone you can't trust because you don't want to break up their home. Its better to dump a cheater.