5 months on- are these warning signs or small probs?

[shenandoah]

hi i'm in a 5 month relationship with a man that i do think that i love. he loves me and treats me well and we have an honest relationship with lots of trust and a good love life. but theres one or two things bothering me about the relationship and i think theyre signs of big problems we're about to hit. i don't want to break up with him, but i think some of these things are just parts of his character and as we get off the honeymoon period i'm starting to see more of them and a voice in the back of my mind tells me theres no future despite how hard we try- i've been in serious live in relationships before- he never has so hes less experienced- let me know what you think....

 

1) money. i'm a student and on low income. hes not rich, but his wage is enough about $40,000 a year. i hardly have any cash, but i'm generous with it and he worries about money and constantly watches what he spends. in short i can't help thinking hes tight. ive lived with a man who is tight and it wrecked our relationship practically. sometimes he says or does things that i'm staggered by- we went to the supermarket to buy some things for a picnic. i assumed hed pay- because id made it clear i was really struggling, and i thought hell its only $10, hes not going to embarass me here. i asked him what he wanted for OUR lunch, then when we got to the checkout, he meticulously separated it all saying "this is yours this is mine" then- to add insult to injury- he started having a go at me about buyin the food, saying "you are short of money yet youve just wasted $5 on that cake and the bread!" i was furious!! he refuses to spend money on his cellphone- instead tells ME to call him back. he invited me for a weekend away asking me to accompany him somewhere- he then insisted we go 50/50 on the hotel- after i made it absolutely clear i had no cash. only when i said i cant afford it, point blank so i wont go- did he even consider paying. in the end he paid, but i knew he resented it. when he goes out with friends- he calls me up after to remark at how expensive everything is and how it's a waste of money. once he offered to take me for lunch- i joked "on you is it?" he said yeah, then 1/2 hour later backed out saying "WE" shouldn't waste the money. i did a garage sale with 80% of my things and he turned around and said 50/50 right? i was angry because i was the one who was doing it to raise cash!! he doesnt need it! i feel humilated by it, but also cos i am generous with cash, but thats my way- cash is for enjoying, and going out and doing things with. i buy him clothes, drink, i give him money for gas whenever he asks- even though i can't afford it! i'm inwardly so furious about it. i understand hes cautious- but hes got $12,000 in savings , plus other assests- i only have whats in my account! all my friends and i are short of cash and we share and scrape buy- my bf is not like that at all.

 

2) house and kids and career- i'm studying for my degree so i can get a good job, and buy a house and raise kids- i want nice things- but my partner doesnt really care. i'm desperate for a family and a big house for kids, but he seems pretty not bothered either way- hes 35! hes well qualified and could do so much but doesnt have the confidence or motivation and i get frustrated.

 

3) he didn't buy me a present for my birthday- why? because "he had no idea what i'd like, and ive got everything anyway" his idea was to have me go out and put my own present on my chargecard and hed refund it! to him this is practical and useful- to me its uncaring- my ex's mother only met me twice- yet she still "had some idea" of something for a nice present! it made me question if he even knew me at all!

 

4)he can be a bit self involved and hes a sensitive person and i'm a really caring sympathetic person, but sometimes i need emotional support too, and i feel he doesnt realise this. just because somebody is strong and confident and has lots of friends and a close family, doesnt mean they cant be depressed too about things from time to time. my boyfriend has suffered ill health and hes worried about that and so am i- but it doesnt mean that he's always feeling worse than me!

 

5)talking. i love talking- i'm always going on and on and on about things and gossiping and ranting and raving about stuff- my partner is calmer and quieter- silence is relaxing for him- talking is relaxing for me. at first it was a yin-yang thing that i was the talker and he was the listener, but now i think hes stopping finding it endearing and finding it overwhelming and a bit irritating. similarly, his lack of finding what i'm saying enthusing, or engaging with me, is getting to me. i'm raving about something on the tv or sometimes i tell him a story i think is really funny and interesting, or some news or goss or something thats happened to somebody and it gets no response. hell say something like " i dont even know this person- why should i understand what youre talking about". i'm kind of like "oh..."

 

6)stength of personalities- i'm the strong one- hes the weaker one. and i worry our relationship is co-dependent. he tries to please me by yielding to what i want- without wishing to get freudian- hes got mother abandonment issues and i'm desperate to be settled with a family of my own and ive got so much love to give. i think i'm mothering him a bit, and its making him feel secure, but its isolating me.

 

but.. all this aside i adore him, and like being around him lots, and feel sad even admitting theres something wrong, but these are niggling worries i have from time to time.. what do you think i should do?? x

[amber1]

I think you should end this and here is why: guys who are tight with money don't usually change about it, he didn't buy you anything for your birthday (big red flag), and you both don't seem to be very compatible at all. He doesn't want to "give" anything of himself to you. You are right to question these sorts of things because they ARE bad signs. Trust me, when things are this bad now, they only get worse with time.

[IrishCarBomb]

No birthday present? I'm an as*hole and I wouldn't even stoop that low.

 

Better question: What are his good qualities? Because as it sounds, you either enjoy complaining, or are a terrible match for each other.

[Ocean-Blue]

shenandoah!

 

I agree with the above two posters: DITCH HIM! That said, it's one thing to read a post on a board and another to actually live the life...so perhaps this relationship has potential (albeit potential that I am totally not seeing here). Anyway, here's my attempt at addressing each of the points you raised.

 

1) Call me old fashioned, but when a guy can't even freakin' dish out $10 for a picnic...umm that's a bit of a turn off (at the least). I'd honestly have walked away from this jerk! Mind you, if he was homeless or sincerely struggling (as in, he has to scrimp to take a ride on the bus), then I'd be far more sympathetic and willing to forgo the picnic (or find a legal way to pay for the items). But that's not the case with you. He's making 40k a year and has savings, etc. Finances are where a lot couples get into trouble - if you guys are having problems now about $, it will ONLY get worse.

 

He seems like he's more than OK with you taking the brunt of the financial burden while he protectively hovers over his little nest of money! Do you really want to be with someone like this? You mention in your post that your relationship has a great deal of trust - how is there trust when you can't RELY on him? What if you needed tampons and couldn't pay for them...he sounds like the kind of guy that would bail on you and leave you tamponless!

 

2) Family, career and large future purchases (house) are important things that a couple need to address. How do you hope to have a future with this man when you want them and he's indifferent? What makes you think he is going to change? If he's "whatever" about kids, what kind of father will he be? Is he going to be there for you when you're tired at 3 in the morning and the baby is crying b/c she needs a diaper change? He sounds like he'd be an ass and continue drooling on the expensive pillowcase that YOU bought!

 

3) With the present thing... I dunno about that. Sometimes, couples get so comfortable that you sometimes forgo the "thoughtful" aspect of it and get practical (like take them with you and buy a gift, etc). However, seeing as you two have only been together for 5 months, he's a royal ding dong for not at least getting you a card with a gift card. Telling you to buy something and then he'll refund the $ - now that is just crass (only b/c this is a new relationship). I can totally see a couple who has been together for a while and who is comfortable doing this (in addition to a romantic dinner or something). But you get my point, right?

 

4) He's too emotionally draining. Sometimes, you need to distance yourself from people like this. If he takes and does not give, how the heck are you benefiting?

 

5) The talking thing I can totally identify with. I'm a total talker and my bf is the listener. I've complained that he isn't as engaged as he used to be (but then he says it's b/c I've become so much more clingy/demanding in terms of his time...among other things). In some ways though this is a running joke with us. However, if you bring it up to him and he's all "I don't care" then there is something wrong. It shows that he doesn't care about your feelings (the least he could do is attempt to listen).

 

6) Perhaps it's because of my personality, but I could never be with a man who was needy. That is a big turn off for me. But hey, each to his own. I shall refrain from commenting further on this topic.

 

As you can see, this guy is a total dud (but as I said earlier, there is a great deal I don't know about the day-to-day workings of your relationship...and at the end of the day, only the two of you know what is really happening).

 

But if you were my sister or friend, I'd say: LEAVE HIM! He is not a gentleman, treats you like his sugar momma, is overly needy but gives nothing in return AND does not seem to fulfill any of YOUR needs.

 

Is it worth your time to stay?

[maynard]

sounds pretty hasty to say dump him.

[vivi]

You want different things. You want generosity, he's cheap. You want romance and he blew off your birthday...that's a deal breaker right there.You want a stable future, he doesn't. You are social and gregarious and he finds it annoying and doesn't respond. If you get involved with this guy you are going to be disappointed on your birthday and valentine's day and christmas and when you are alone togethe you will feel, eventually, like you're talking to a wall. It's not hasty to say 'dump him" - it's protecting your self from emotional pain later on. Dating is all about finding out what people are like and discovering what is important toyou in a relationship. You are not liking what you are discovering. take the lesson and move on, or else you be in it for a year and wondering why the relationship isn't moving forward. Or you'll get married and feel hurt/angry because he doesn't want kids. you can't change people.

[sally4sara]

ditch him. what a jerk! I dated a guy like him and I don't even care how much money a guy has. It was like watching him quickly estimate my value in his eyes before every penny out of his pocket to decide if I was worth the "investment". Is that love?

This guy will do that with everything. That savings account only serves as a security blanket. Don't you dare touch his woobie!

[squeak]

Since it is going in a downward spiral in your emotions, you can just say "well that's him" and leave. That will most likely happen if nothing is done....or:

 

You can basically go ballistic and let him know exactly what you felt in no uncertain terms and how unhappy you are and what is at stake here , then ... you at least know you gave it your best shot and it is in his court to step up and become more generous/considerate.

 

I wouldn't count on his lack of talking changing, but he can control the behavorial parts like being cheap and inconsiderate.

 

Personally, it would be hard for me to just walk away without feeling like I had let him know exactly what he needed to do to change and exhausted all the possibilities. I would never advise "walk away" without the above so at least you can feel you spoke up and did all you could could, I mean-you must like a lot of other things about him that you put up with those parts, right?

 

If you are doubting this much already, you've got nothing to lose by demanding change, right? He may be shocked and hurt, but it may work out for the best, either way.