marriedandsad Posted September 15, 2007 Posted September 15, 2007 There is a man I work with who throws me for a loop. We are both married and I am NOT attracted to him in the least, but he's enthralled with me for some odd reason. We were discussing what constitutes as cheating. He says as long as if you do not have intercourse it's not cheating. I say if you wouldn't do it in front of your spouse it IS cheating. I'm just curious here. What do you all constitute as cheating? L.
Curmudgeon Posted September 15, 2007 Posted September 15, 2007 I'm just curious here. What do you all constitute as cheating? Anything that takes time, thought and emotional energy away from your spouse is cheating. Even if there's nothing physical, at the least, it's emotional infidelity. His definition sounds like Bill Clintons. After all, he researched the Bible and it tells him that oral sex isn't cheating because it's not really sex. Yeah, right! My guess is that Mr. Opportunist/Player will try that one too, before very long.
oppath Posted September 15, 2007 Posted September 15, 2007 I say if you wouldn't do it in front of your spouse it IS cheating. L. Anything that takes time, thought and emotional energy away from your spouse is cheating I agree with both of these statements. Basically, if you withhold any information that could allow for your partner to make a decision about his/her relationship, about his/her life, you are destroying the fidelity of the relationship. If it is finances, the word to describe it would be deception and manipulation. For emotional matters, cheating is an apt description. If you are doing something you could not do in front of your partner with another person, then you are withholding information from your partner, and you aren't tackling the problem in your relationship. Some people don't believe in emotional infidelity. I do. Like curmudgeon said, if an action of yours is taking time and emotion and trust away from your partner, basically, you are manipulating that person into believing everything is fine in your relationship when it is not, and you are withholding information that could allow them to make a decision about their relationship and life.
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 15, 2007 Posted September 15, 2007 You should ask him what his wife considers cheating. I think cheating is anything you do that you do or say with someone else, that you hide from your partner. It may not even be crossing the line physically, but if the intent is there then its just as bad.
Lizzie60 Posted September 15, 2007 Posted September 15, 2007 There is a man I work with who throws me for a loop. We are both married and I am NOT attracted to him in the least, but he's enthralled with me for some odd reason. We were discussing what constitutes as cheating. He says as long as if you do not have intercourse it's not cheating. I say if you wouldn't do it in front of your spouse it IS cheating. I'm just curious here. What do you all constitute as cheating? L. Weird but this is true... A LOT of men think that if there is no intercourse, it's not cheating.. and for many... even if there is intercourse, if they had to pay for it.. it's not cheating... for a lot of men..cheating occurs only is there are some kind of emotions involved... or full intercourse. This belief takes away a LOT of guilt...
Lyssa Posted September 15, 2007 Posted September 15, 2007 You should ask him what his wife considers cheating. I think cheating is anything you do that you do or say with someone else, that you hide from your partner. It may not even be crossing the line physically, but if the intent is there then its just as bad. I agree with LB. I don't think it's right to keep anything from your partner.
Lyssa Posted September 15, 2007 Posted September 15, 2007 Weird but this is true... A LOT of men think that if there is no intercourse, it's not cheating.. That is sooo true! Most of my guyfriends say the same thing. If there isn't intercourse, it's not cheating! So I guess for them, phone-sex or cyber-sex is A-okay!
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 15, 2007 Posted September 15, 2007 I have male friends who say that too. Until their girlfriends cheat on them - then its a whole different story!
Lyssa Posted September 15, 2007 Posted September 15, 2007 Ahh.. isn't that usually the case? It's okay for men to do it, but not their women.. hmmm...
directx Posted September 15, 2007 Posted September 15, 2007 What if you are wearing a condom the whole time? I mean, nothing is actually touching, right? That's not cheating! Right?
Woggle Posted September 15, 2007 Posted September 15, 2007 Anything intimate and romantic with another person is cheating. I have female friends who are just like one of the guys and I don't consider it cheating when I hang out with them but cheating is more than just sex.
VIP Posted September 15, 2007 Posted September 15, 2007 Anything that takes time, thought and emotional energy away from your spouse is cheating. Friends and relatives also take time, thought and emotional energy.
silktricks Posted September 15, 2007 Posted September 15, 2007 As other say: Anything that you hide from your partner is cheating in some form. I wouldn't necessarily agree that anything that takes time, thought and energy away from your partner is cheating, 'cuz if that was the case none of us could go to work . But if you throw in the all important item that it is hidden from your spouse, that makes it cheating IMO.
Curmudgeon Posted September 15, 2007 Posted September 15, 2007 Friends and relatives also take time, thought and emotional energy. Any unrelated member of the opposite sex for whom you have lustful feelings and who may or may not be inclined to respond in kind upon who takes time, thought and emotional energy better spent on your spouse!
Woggle Posted September 15, 2007 Posted September 15, 2007 I see nothing wrong with hanging out with people of the opposite sex even if you are married. I have a female coworker and sometimes we have to do projects together. While I have no romantic feelings for her I enjoy hanging out with her and after we finish with a project sometimes we go out together and even invite our spouses along. I dont consider this to be cheating.
Curmudgeon Posted September 15, 2007 Posted September 15, 2007 I wouldn't consider it cheating either. It passes the smell test UNLESS you get emotionally invested in her.
oppath Posted September 16, 2007 Posted September 16, 2007 But it is cheating if the other person doesn't know about your spouse, or you fail to disclose those encounters to your spouse, because your are damaging the fidelity of the relationship by being untruthful.
lovernotafighter Posted September 16, 2007 Posted September 16, 2007 But it is cheating if the other person doesn't know about your spouse, or you fail to disclose those encounters to your spouse, because your are damaging the fidelity of the relationship by being untruthful. long distance girlfriend is in for one hell of a surprise with you when she moves with ya doesn't she? from freedom to a short leash, I don't think your relationship has a long shelf life I'm afraid
Herzen Posted September 16, 2007 Posted September 16, 2007 Cheating is anything done or thought with a non-spouse to whom you're sexually attracted, about which your spouse is ignorant, which distracts you from your marriage to your later regret.
oppath Posted September 16, 2007 Posted September 16, 2007 long distance girlfriend is in for one hell of a surprise with you when she moves with ya doesn't she? from freedom to a short leash, I don't think your relationship has a long shelf life I'm afraid She's not going to move in with me, and I trust her to disclose to me who she hangs out with, just as I disclose to her. I have female friends and I hang out with them. She has guy friends and she hangs out with them. Not a problem. The leash is long. You went for drinks with male coworkers after work? Cool. Not a problem, as long as if I ask "what did you do today" and you say "I went for drinks with coworkers after work." Perhaps it is not cheating to be hanging out with members of the opposite sex who don't know about your spouse or bf/gf and to not tell your SO abot those encounters (I'm not saying you need to call and ask permission), but it does weaken the fidelity of the relationship.
ohmy3 Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 If you hide stuff to get what you want then that is cheating! IE: other people.................
outofdarkness Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 There is a man I work with who throws me for a loop. We are both married and I am NOT attracted to him in the least, but he's enthralled with me for some odd reason. We were discussing what constitutes as cheating. He says as long as if you do not have intercourse it's not cheating. I say if you wouldn't do it in front of your spouse it IS cheating. I'm just curious here. What do you all constitute as cheating? L. My definiton is that any activity that is done in secrecy and is deceptive, is cheating..That is not the LEGAL def., I am sure, but it's MINE...
IrishCarBomb Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 I've posted this before: Cheating is not as gray as everyone would make it out to be, there is a clear-cut simple rule to cheating: If you would be upset with your significant other doing it, it is not ok for you to be doing it. It's as simple as that. Anything else is a rediculous and selfish double standard which reeks of immaturity and insecurity. Do you flirt with other people at the bar for kicks? Better be sure to be ok with it if your significant other does the same. Is a kiss on the cheek ok? The forehead? The lips? It's as simple as talking to your partner. Lay out what behavior is acceptable and just enjoy the relationship. If the bad behavior continues once you've established the rules, then he/she is an inconsiderate and selfish *******, and you should happily ditch their ass.
shoesies05 Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 Yeah- i agree with the statement If you wouldnt do it in front of your partner its cheating... and the emotional aspect of it. But then, its not cheating if you have feelings for someone. It's what you decide to do with the feelings and person... for instance deciding you want to spend more time with them and stuff that is cheating. But a lower level of cheating. Sex, kissing, anything physical is I believe a lot worse than feelings for someone. Because I'm sure every couple will have feelings for another sometime within the relationship- but those feelings can fade or be ignored...
shoesies05 Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 I think it was Steve Harley, of MarriageBuilders, who said "An affair is what your spouse thinks it is." Which goes along with the comments above, that anything you wouldn't say or do with your spouse right there with you. > OK, actually i want to go deeper into "what your spouse thinks cheating is" or " if you wouldnt do it in front of your spouse its cheating"- now, this isnt true for all couples. There are some horribly jealous people out there and they might consider some stupid things to be wrong- like going out with friends or partying with friends, or whatever! there are some really controlling couples that i think the " if you wouldnt do it in front of your spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend/etc. is cheating" rule doesnt apply to them.
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