5 months on- are these warning signs or small probs?

[shenandoah]

hi i'm in a 5 month relationship with a man that i think that i love. he loves me. but theres one or two things bothering me about the relationship and i think theyre signs of big problems we're about to hit. i don't want to break up with him, but i think some of these things are just parts of his character and as we get off the honeymoon period i'm starting to see more and more of them and a voice in the back of my mind tells me theres no future despite how hard we try- let me know what you think....

 

1) money. i'm a student and on low income. hes not rich, but his wage is enough about $40,000 a year. i hardly have any cash, but i'm generous with it and he worries about money and constantly watches what he spends. in short i can't help thinking hes tight. ive lived with a man who is tight and it wrecked our relationship practically. sometimes he says or does things that i'm staggered by- we went to the supermarket to buy some things for a picnic. i assumed hed pay- because id made it clear i was really struggling, and i thought hell its only $10, hes not going to embarass me here. i asked him what he wanted for OUR lunch, then when we got to the checkout, he meticulously separated it all saying "this is yours this is mine" then- to add insult to injury- he started having a go at me about buyin the food, saying "you are short of money yet youve just wasted $5 on that cake and the bread!" i was furious!! he refuses to spend money on his cellphone- instead tells ME to call him back. he invited me for a weekend away asking me to accompany him somewhere- he then insisted we go 50/50 on the hotel- after i made it absolutely clear i had no cash. only when i said i cant afford it, point blank so i wont go- did he even consider paying. in the end he paid, but i knew he resented it. when he goes out with friends- he calls me up after to remark at how expensive everything is and how it's a waste of money. once he offered to take me for lunch- i joked "on you is it?" he said yeah, then 1/2 hour later backed out saying "WE" shouldn't waste the money. i did a garage sale with 80% of my things and he turned around and said 50/50 right? i was angry because i was the one who was doing it to raise cash!! he doesnt need it! i feel humilated by it, but also cos i am generous with cash, but thats my way- cash is for enjoying, and going out and doing things with. i buy him clothes, drink, i give him money for gas whenever he asks- even though i can't afford it! i'm inwardly so furious about it. i understand hes cautious- but hes got $12,000 in savings , plus other assests- i only have whats in my account! all my friends and i are short of cash and we share and scrape buy- my bf is not like that at all.

 

2) house and kids and career- i'm studying for my degree so i can get a good job, and buy a house and raise kids- i want nice things- but my partner doesnt really care. i'm desperate for a family and a big house for kids, but he seems pretty not bothered either way- hes 35! hes well qualified and could do so much but doesnt have the confidence or motivation and i get frustrated.

 

3) he didn't buy me a present for my birthday- why? because "he had no idea what i'd like, and ive got everything anyway" his idea was to have me go out and put my own present on my chargecard and hed refund it! to him this is practical and useful- to me its uncaring- my ex's mother only met me twice- yet she still "had some idea" of something for a nice present! it made me question if he even knew me at all!

 

4)he can be a bit self involved and i'm a really caring sympathetic person, but sometimes i need emotional support too, and i feel he doesnt realise this. just because somebody is strong and confident and has lots of friends and a close family, doesnt mean they cant be depressed too about things from time to time. my boyfriend has suffered ill health and hes worried about that and so am i- but it doesnt mean that he's always feeling worse than me!

 

5)talking. i love talking- i'm always going on and on and on about things and gossiping and ranting and raving about stuff- my partner is calmer and quieter- silence is relaxing for him- talking is relaxing for me. at first it was a yin-yang thing that i was the talker and he was the listener, but now i think hes stopping finding it endearing and finding it overwhelming and a bit irritating. similarly, his lack of finding what i'm saying enthusing, or engaging with me, is getting to me. sometimes i tell him a story i think is really funny and interesting, or some news or goss or something thats happened to somebody and it gets no response. hell say something like " i dont even know this person- why should i understand what youre talking about". i'm kind of like "oh..."

 

6)stength of personalities- i'm the strong one- hes the weaker one. and i worry our relationship is co-dependent. he tries to please me by yielding to what i want- without wishing to get freudian- hes got mother abandonment issues and i'm desperate to be settled with a family of my own and ive got so much love to give. i think i'm mothering him a bit, and its making him feel secure, but its isolating me.

 

but.. all this aside i adore him, and like being around him lots, but these are niggling worries i have from time to time.. what do you think i should do?? x

[Geoffrey]

...for sure.

 

Money is probably the BIGGEST reason (and there are statistics to back this up) relationships go sour. You sound like a very generous person....if he has $12k stashed in savings....I hardly think he needs your money for gas, dear.

 

As for not buying you a birthday gift....B-I-I-I-G mistake on his part. The so-called reason (or suggestion) he gave is truly LAME. If he really cares for you...he should be making a study of you and your likes, tastes, etc.

 

When I was with my last girlfriend, we'd be sitting together reading magazines and she'd tear out one of those perfume cards, rip it open, smell it, and say how sweet it smelled....that was an easy one for me! Guess what...the next occasion (or buy it first, give it to her, then find a reason)...it was highly likely that particular perfume would appear as a gift for her. Or if she mentioned a favorite food of hers. Or a movie. Or anything that turned her on.

 

In my experience, making an active study of your partner, compiling data in your mind and heart about them, and building your activities/gift list/personal actions/responses around that data will take you far. It's very easy once you know how to do this and once you make a habit of putting those little things you notice about them to work - conspire to make them happy and fulfilled!

 

I think if more people worked towards that end in their relationships, this chat board would shut down due to lack of interest!

[Mezzi]

I think you should leave this cheap, insensitive bastard alone.

 

Just click on my name and view my threads just two about the same guy.

 

I had been in your shoes. The cheapness, the lack of a birthday present, the whole 50/50.

 

This guy is one of the people who just likes to spend on themselves.

 

Tell him goodbye.

[dropdeadlegs]

You don't share the absolute basics in regards to living.

 

Continue if you must, but you will be happier with someone who shares your core values. So will he.

 

I see much resentment in your future should you choose to stay.

[Island Girl]

i buy him clothes, drink, i give him money for gas whenever he asks- even though i can't afford it! i'm inwardly so furious about it. i understand hes cautious- but hes got $12,000 in savings , plus other assests- i only have whats in my account! all my friends and i are short of cash and we share and scrape buy- my bf is not like that at all.

 

I didn't have to read any further than this.

 

You are a student, with little to no real income, and he has a job paying roughly $40,000 a year and HE ASKS YOU FOR MONEY?!!!!!!

 

This is a HUGE problem especially since he is so cheap.

 

------------------------------------------------------------------

He has no problem taking from you -- but he does NOT want to give.

------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Please read that statement over and over again because it does not only apply to the financial side of things.

 

You stated sometimes when you talk about things he tells you he doesn't have to try to understand because he doesn't know who you are talking about. That is a hurtful cop-out. And it sounds like you let him get away with it.

 

You are letting him treat you badly because you are staying around.

 

Honey, I'd have been long gone on that day of the picnic - the second he started separating the groceries into "mine and yours" - and if I was slacking off or not paying attention - when he started in about the cake, that'd have been it with a "don't ever EVER call me again".

You should have walked out of that store and never looked back.

 

He is not going to change all of a sudden and become a warm, comforting, generous person.

 

Quit waiting for it and dump him or expect more of the same treatment (which is not good at all) until you do.

[oppath]

The money thing is bad because he asks for gas money! He doesn't make much himself and likely has bills that as a student, you are shielded from, but come on...

 

I totally understand, as I am a graduate student making $20,000 a year in SoCal. My deal is we don't have to split 50/50, and I'd never split in the grocery line, but I would expect her to pitch in or if we go to the liquor store, but the beer, for example. If I take a girl out to dinner one time, I do expect her to treat me the next because of my income status. It's not the dollar value, but the effort to show you are valued and an investment.

 

I don't feel it is wrong, even with his income level and some savings, to expect roughly 50/50. What is wrong is the way he approaches it. There should be times he treats you, times you treat him, and times you split. The way he does it though, is inconsiderate.

[code five]

As everyone else has said... Big issues here. There is something wrong with him (and I'm guessing it's not so much attitude toward you or vision of a R). I'm guessing a possible gambling or addiction issue. Why else would he have a lack of funds - Ya never know. His 12k savings may exist, it may not.

 

Regardless, what 'dropdeadlegs' posted is dead on. Too many differences here... walk away now.

[katiebour]

i'm desperate to be settled with a family of my own and ive got so much love to give.

 

Don't let this be a reason for you to stay with someone who is unsuitable. Putting the money thing aside- after all, he might consider you being together only 5 months not enough reason to support you financially- or he might want you to stand on your own two feet and be an equal partner. Not the way I'd behave, certainly, but it could in certain circumstances be excusable.

 

But this bothers me:

 

silence is relaxing for him- talking is relaxing for me. at first it was a yin-yang thing that i was the talker and he was the listener, but now i think hes stopping finding it endearing and finding it overwhelming and a bit irritating.

 

His irritation will only grow the longer you two are together. If eventually all your little quirks add up to a relationship he doesn't want, you may be several years down the line and much more involved when he decides to end things.

 

Overall- you're starting to irritate him, he isn't considerate about supporting you either emotionally or financially, he doesn't really want the home and family as much as you do, and he is more concerned about himself than you?

 

Of course this isn't the whole picture of him and I'm sure he has many wonderful qualities too. Obviously you're concerned, or you wouldn't be posting here. It does sound like an iffy relationship which may only get worse with time.

 

My advice is to think very carefully about him- does he really have the same goals as yourself? Do you see the relationship going the way you want (house, marriage, kids) in a reasonable amount of time? Do you see yourself being satisfied with his tendency towards self-centeredness? Can you live with a man who will always be judging your spending while refusing to allocate any of his cash towards "frivolous" expenses?

 

Think really carefully about this, hon.

[shenandoah]

thanks everybody, i know that youre right and before long, its going to turn sour. ive realised this week that its all the little things- i love him, we have loads of affection for each other, but in the long term we're too different- sometimes i look at his ex gf and think, he should still be with her- shes quieter, doesnt like socialising much, more insecure, no big goals, no desire for money or big houses or kids, shrewd with money- she'd certainly agree with him about "wasting money on phonebills/drinks/clothes/nights out" whereas i think oh hell, you only got one life- so what if youre a little short this month- you can make it through.

 

he tells me to stop going on about money- i go on about it in this terrified way that i'll end up broke- he goes on about it too though- in this way like hes constantly observing what hes spent, which is just as irritating. i'm working hard at college so i can do law or education and not be earning minumum wage like i was before. my bf is very well qualified and "says" he wants to go into another career, but hes 35 and i dont see any evidence of it. i feel like the money hungry career woman here, even though i'm not really. he doersnt mean to be harsh, but i feel he is sometimes. hed do anything for me if i asked him, but i shouldnt be asking him.

 

mom is a widow and me and my brother are at home still and in college and my mom wants us to be earning good money and be independent and settled in our adult lives, in case anything happens to her- which i can understand. my bf doesnt understand what i'm getting in a stress about. he says he does, but i dont think he can. i just want to have a life where like if somebody says "lets grab dinner!" i don't think " oh my god! what if i cant afford it? how am i going to budget this? oh no, i bet i run out of money!" but with his savings, he wouldnt do...last week he told his ex gf he wanted to buy a house- she said "thats news to me! you never mentioned it before!" which makes me think ive put these ideas in his head, that he kind of feels hes gotta keep up with. i dont want him to change for me though. i want him to want it for himself.

 

i'd like to believe what he says about buying a house and a career change and moving to a new town, but his history tells me hes been in the same job (below what he could do if he motivated himself- hes really smart) 9 years, since graduating, same house, with the same friend, in the same town. part of me wonders that however i try and pull him, he'll resist or hell be going along with it for me not him. hes never even lived with anybody before- despite having 3, 4 year relationships. i feel very sad as i write this, because i feel so much, but in my heart of hearts i know its hopeless in the long term.

[Geoffrey]

Shenandoah (did you know that is Native American for "daughter of the stars?"),

 

Anyway - you got some REALLY good counsel here. If your BF doesn't EVER change - over course of years - are you prepared to put up with it? Like you said - in so many words - life is NOT a dress rehearsal.

 

It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and you are a very hard worker too. Keep going with school, stick with what you do best, and you won't be worrying over money for very much longer.

 

A person's past is a very accurate indicator of future behavior, too.

[mental_traveller]

There are 6 serious things that bother you about him. Time to bail!

[shoesies05]

sounds like the whole "opposites attract" situation here.

 

Id say these are serious problems, serious enough to come on here and get advice about so obviously they are really concerning you... leave him for someone who will remember your b-day and get you something ud love

 

i just think you two dont have enough basic values in common to be a good couple.

sry- but u deserve someone better