get.mos Posted September 15, 2007 Posted September 15, 2007 greetings, all: i have a question for all you married folks out there. if your spouse had sex with you but used the imagination to get very excited - and that imagination didn't include you - 1) would you want to know about it? 2) would it bother you? and, when i mean have sex, i'm talking have a very healthy sex life. not lacking there...
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 15, 2007 Posted September 15, 2007 Honestly, some things - particularly those in the area of sexual fantasy are best left private. Things get really sticky when you try to incorporate some private sexual fantasy into reality. People tend toward jealousy, and I would think the worst sort would be when you feel you are competing with the idea of sexiness, rather than a flesh and blood person. Actual people can have some negative qualities that distract. Fantasy partners never do. Unless you are completely open minded, and are not at all prone to jealousy I wouldn't suggest that anyone ask that sort of question to their partner that they may not want to hear the answer to.
IpAncA Posted September 15, 2007 Posted September 15, 2007 Well I'm going to hang off of this one for a while... Unless you are completely open minded, and are not at all prone to jealousy I wouldn't suggest that anyone ask that sort of question to their partner that they may not want to hear the answer to. Yep I agree.
Author get.mos Posted September 15, 2007 Author Posted September 15, 2007 that's what i figured. i suppose my question is due to a more root cause issue, which is that my mate and i have had a major bump, one that i'm not sure we'll survive. i've already told my mate that sex has become more like "buddy sex" rather than romantic "making love." he knows it's a little more difficult for me now, because i used to be in love, and he knows i'm not. well, i've noticed now that, in order to accept advances, i have to fantasize. i don't think that's a good thing, but our road is complicated with other issues, like depression, so i don't want to add to it. but i don't have a solution either.
Touche Posted September 15, 2007 Posted September 15, 2007 I don't see anything wrong with it at all. I'd worry if you think of another every time you have sex but the occasional fantasy does no harm and can rev things up a bit.
Lostgurl Posted September 15, 2007 Posted September 15, 2007 that's what i figured. i suppose my question is due to a more root cause issue, which is that my mate and i have had a major bump, one that i'm not sure we'll survive. i've already told my mate that sex has become more like "buddy sex" rather than romantic "making love." he knows it's a little more difficult for me now, because i used to be in love, and he knows i'm not. well, i've noticed now that, in order to accept advances, i have to fantasize. i don't think that's a good thing, but our road is complicated with other issues, like depression, so i don't want to add to it. but i don't have a solution either. This sounds like more of a problem then having to fantasize during sex. Are you saying that you don't love your husband anymore?
Curmudgeon Posted September 15, 2007 Posted September 15, 2007 i have a question for all you married folks out there. if your spouse had sex with you but used the imagination to get very excited - and that imagination didn't include you - When my wife signals she would like to make love/have sex, I certainly don't ask her about her motivation, what or who she's thinking of, etc. I trust it has to do with us. If I suspected, and she'd have to give me reason to, it had to do with anyone else on a regular and sustained basis (a little wiggle room there) and she was using me as merely a proxy, there wouldn't be a marriage.
Leikela Posted September 15, 2007 Posted September 15, 2007 Having to fantasize every time when having sex does signal a problem. You should be wanting your husband and not an image of someone else. This is just a symptom of deeper problems with your relationship with your husband.
Author get.mos Posted September 16, 2007 Author Posted September 16, 2007 Are you saying that you don't love your husband anymore? i do love my husband; he is my best friend. but i'm not in love anymore. we actually almost got divorced last year. (as in, filed the paperwork.) and, as previously stated, there has been some depression going on. i have advised my hubby to go see a professional counselor, as 1) i still see a counselor because of our bump last year (so i'm still dealing w/my own issues), and 2) the depression on his part is not just due to our bump but due to a second irrelevant issue. so, back to my original post, i feel as if telling him that i have to fantasize might add to his depression and just add another road to our recovery, if we make that.
Leikela Posted September 16, 2007 Posted September 16, 2007 Yeah, I wouldn't tell him you have to fantasize about other people in order to have sex with him. That's a low blow. He doesn't need that since he's already depressed. That's just something you need to keep to yourself. Work on your relationship with him and when/if it improves and say you fall in love with him again, then you won't need to fantasize anymore.
soulsurf Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 There is a HUGE difference between loving someone, and being IN love with them. And I think you already know that. If you have to fantasize, then you already know there is a problem brewing. If my SO had to fantasize about someone else, I sure as hell wouldn't want to know, and if I did find out, I think it would probably lead me to believe there was a problem there somewhere! Don't tell him, enjoy the sex, do some soul searching and try to figure out what you really want out of this relationship. If you want to fix it, or want out, you need to figure it out and then take those steps to get there.
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