stillbits12 Posted September 14, 2007 Posted September 14, 2007 Hi- I officially broke up with my boyfriend 3 days ago. Our relationship had been hanging on by a thread for about 3 months. In July, we had decided to move on from the relationship because neither of us was happy anymore, even though we still loved one another. He also said that the relationship had developed into something that made him realize that he needed to become a better person in order to become a better boyfriend. He wanted to seek therapeutic help in relationships and in terms of his own drinking problem. So, he needed to be alone for a while and not be in a relationship until he figured those things out. At the time, I was so emotionally and mentally exhausted from the relationship that I agreed, even though I knew we still loved one another very much. Since July, he went home for a couple of months to recover from surgery, so I didn't see him up until 3 days ago. In this time period, we e-mailed, texted, and called one another and maintained an amicable friendship. However, this friendship slowly developed into a very confusing situation in which we both knew we still had feelings for one another and still wanted to give us another chance. He would still tell me that he loved me, and I would do the same. He would tell me that he still wanted to be with me and to work out our problems together but that he hoped I would give him some space to work out his own issues with a therapist when he came back to town. I told him I understood that he needed time to work out some problems, and I would still have liked to be a part of his life while he worked them out. All of these conversations gave me the impression that he wanted to work this out with me, be it his own issues or our issues as a couple. He came back to town 3 days ago, and I went to his apartment for a few hours under the impression that we were "back together" and were going to give this another shot. Barely an hour had passed before he finally said, "I need some space and time alone. I want to be with you, but I can't be in a relationship right now. I need to get the help that I need, but I still love you." I was completely fed up at this point because I thought we had made a breakthrough, but to me, "I want to be with you, but I can't be in a relationship right now" sounded like a coward's way of dumping someone, so I immediately picked up my belongings from his apartment and left. I gave him some pretty harsh words for the next 2 days, but finally last night we decided to end things amicably. I told him good luck with therapy and wished him the best of luck in his next relationship. He said that he still loved me, but he just couldn't be with anyone right now until he worked through his own problems. I told him that my door would always be open to him, and he said the same. I said that maybe there was still a possibility for us again in the future, but we should let fate decide, and he agreed. And he offered to meet up for lunch after a few weeks, presumably after he gets settled into therapy. So, this gives me the impression that he still wants to give this relationship another try, but not anywhere in the near future. Regardless, I have made the decision to move on, keep myself at a distance, and start dating again soon. Now, I believe that he has a lot of problems that he knows he needs to work out, and I believe him when he tells me he loves me, but at this point, I'm still confused as to why he doesn't want to be with me? Wouldn't it be easier to have a supportive partner while going through a difficult time like this? Finally, is it really possible for two people to break up permanently even though they still love one another? I still love him very much, even after all the things we went through, and I know that he still loves me and wants to be with me, and he just wants to get better, but am I being unrealistic in thinking that not all breakups are permanent? Is it overly romantic to think that a relationship could be rekindled even 5 or 10 years from now if two people love one another and want to be with each other?
mspikes Posted September 14, 2007 Posted September 14, 2007 Seems that there's a lot of this "needing to find oneself" going on around here. I just went through somewhat of a similar situation where I found myself falling DEEPLY in love with a guy who found himself with so much baggage from other relationships that he couldn't continue with me, who wanted to be in a serious relationship with him, and finally feeling like I had found the one. I think situations like these can never be totally explained, because the feelings of feeling inadequate to one that you really love, and having to deal with them on your own, is just like it sounds... it's something that one has to deal with on their own. The other person begins to feel slighted, because whereas they may WANT to include those in what's going on with them, and ask for perspective before making a move, others just don't find themselves needing that same thing. My aquaintance just called it "going back into the lab"... I'm really sorry to hear that things ended and that you feel you haven't gotten a real explanation. I would believe that the guy probably does love you, and that he respects you enough to be open and honest with you about how he's feeling, rather than trying to make something that would probably continue to make him miserable (trying to please you when he probably felt that he just couldn't), he's decided to be honest with you, and fix himself before moving on. It's a hard process. i wouldn't suggest that you wait on him... give yourself time to purge the relationship, and then see how you might feel about it, and your paths cross again, and you want to rekindle things, then go for it.
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