Hello, just joined. :-)

[allegra1971]

Hi all, I just wanted to introduce myself and wish everyone well. I had no idea about the existence of this forum until I found a link elsewhere....thank goodness you're here.

 

I find myself in the situation of being a wife AND an OW.

 

I was married at 21, over 14 years ago. For various reasons I clung-on to the first guy to show real interest in me and married him. All these years later I realised I was unsatisfied with my life in SO many ways. I thought one solution to the problem would be to join a site which introduced married people to each other for the purpose of having an affair and - basically - to bring a bit of zing to each other's lives....how simple that sounds.

 

I met a guy, aged 49, on the site in mid-May this year and we clicked straight away. Before long we'd told each other everything - so I thought. We met in person on 1st June and very soon he was writing me poetry and the most beautiful emails and told me he'd fallen in love with me - and i told him the same, despite it initially being the last thing both of us wanted.

 

A couple of weeks after that he told me about his baby daughter. She was 6 months old at the time. I can't have children and very often think about her. He initially told me that he didn't make me aware of her existence at first because he knew of my infertility and didn't want to hurt me. Later he admitted what I'm sure anyone reading this has already guessed: he waited until I told him that I'd fallen for him before letting me know about her. I could hardly believe what I was hearing.

 

He tells me that he won't leave his wife because of the baby but I know that it's also because of their substantial material possessions. He works in London, they have 2 businesses as well.....his life is so radically different to mine and I know that he could never leave all that behind and yet i continue to see him as much as is possible.

 

You're probably wondering about my husband. I love him but I have changed so very much since we were married and I'm a different person and want different things from life. But.....he's very insecure and lacking in confidence and I don't see how I could hurt him by leaving. He's told me in the past that he couldn't survive without me but I know that I could survive without him. The other thing holding me back is the financial aspect, but I'm working on that: I'm looking for work (self-employed at the moment) and will try to save enough to leave one day. In my heart I'm already single. I love my husband but only as a friend. I almost can't stand to have sex with him because I think of my MM and also because the sex is so BAD and i haven't the motivation anymore to improve it, though I've tried in the past.

 

My MM has given me the confidence in myself to try to make a better life. At first I thought it would be with him but now I know that won't happen. And yet I love him!! I saw him yesterday and when we parted I was feeling alright and happy that I'd seen him.......then he texted to say he was feeling down at leaving me that afternoon. More mixed messages.

 

I'm sitting here crying because all I'll get from him over the weekend is a couple of rushed emails (he doesn't work Fri - Sun). He can't even text me because his wife once found his 'other phone' and called me with it. She's found out about us twice now and he's sworn to her that he's not seeing me anymore.

 

I know it's a hopeless situation but I just have to picture him in my mind & remember things he's said and the loving looks he's given me and remember our intimate moments, to know that I just cannot end it yet.

 

I'm sorry about this 'war & peace' guys, but as you know, it helps to write it down. Thank you.

 

xx

[daZed&confUsed005]

i know exactly how you feel..i too stumbled upon this website and boy was i happy..lol..its nice to finally open up to people without revealing my identity..

[whichwayisup]

I think you and your husband need to talk and fix your marriage. Needs aren't being met and I bet your hubby isn't too happy either.

 

Falling for some guy you met online, meeting him afew times - He's married, has a child, isn't ever going to leave his wife and family...Ever. You may feel good right now, but eventually YOU will hurt as well as keeping up the lying and betrayal towards your husband.

 

If you are unhappy in your marriage, either fix it or get a divorce. BUT, I wouldn't throw in the towel until you both have tried counselling and given eachother a chance to make it better.

[allegra1971]

OK.......um, didn't think I'd get a 'welcome' like that 2nd one.......not sure my post was read thoroughly and that's a shame as it's my very first one.

[whichwayisup]

Sorry for the tough love...It's just the way I give advice sometimes and I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I'm trying to open your eyes and get you to see that going on that path you're on will only cause more pain.

 

You will get all sorts of advice here, some you will like, some you won't - Some will be harsh, some will be hand holding. Either way, people reply because they want to help.

[whichwayisup]

I suggest you read some threads in this section so you can see how similar MM's are, and all the lines they use on their OW.

 

I'm sitting here crying because all I'll get from him over the weekend is a couple of rushed emails (he doesn't work Fri - Sun). He can't even text me because his wife once found his 'other phone' and called me with it. She's found out about us twice now and he's sworn to her that he's not seeing me anymore.

 

Because of this, it is over. Both you and the MM must let go and move on. Seek therapy if you need help to cope through it...And keep posting here.

 

I don't want to scare you, but if his wife finds out you two are STILL in contact, there's a chance she could contact your husband, so maybe take the time to figure out what it is that you really want to happen.

[simplegirl]

It helps to have some place to come and say what you need to say to people that don't know you.

 

My M ended and it was my decision to leave. Not because of any A's but for several other reason. My exh was and still is very insecure and it was not easy to leave but you have to be happy. Try to fix it if you can but if you can't then you might want to consider D.

 

I don't know what to really tell you about your MM. I'm in the same boat as far as that goes. Some days I want to end it for my sanity and other days I don't know how I could. Just remember on here that people only know what you type. They don't get the whole picture sometimes and things can definitely be taken out of context.

[allegra1971]

Hi all, and thanks for the input - and thanks especially to simplegirl for your comments. I just wanted to introduce myself and tell a little bit of my 'story' so that people would know & appreciate why I've joined this forum. And yes it DOES help to have somewhere to share feelings which otherwise can't have expression. :-)

[Lyssa]

Welcome to LS, Allegra! It sure helps to put your feelings out in writing. I'm sure you'll find some useful advice (in case you need any) around LS. I stumbled upon LS too a few months back and I am glad I found it.

 

In the beginning, it was tough for me as well because I only got to speak/chat with my MM during the week. We would text now and then on weekends but that was before he decided to leave. Now that it's over between he and his wife, we get to talk whenever we want to.

 

I hope things will work out for you!

[allegra1971]

Thanks lyssa, i appreciate it! :-) I do need some constructive advice and support and all that.....I read through loads of posts before posting myself and I'm still fascinated with the forum - so pleased to find it! x

[frannie]

I find myself in the situation of being a wife AND an OW.

 

---

 

I met a guy, aged 49, on the site in mid-May this year and we clicked straight away. Before long we'd told each other everything - so I thought. We met in person on 1st June and very soon he was writing me poetry and the most beautiful emails and told me he'd fallen in love with me - and i told him the same, despite it initially being the last thing both of us wanted.

 

A couple of weeks after that he told me about his baby daughter. She was 6 months old at the time. I can't have children and very often think about her. He initially told me that he didn't make me aware of her existence at first because he knew of my infertility and didn't want to hurt me. Later he admitted what I'm sure anyone reading this has already guessed: he waited until I told him that I'd fallen for him before letting me know about her. I could hardly believe what I was hearing.

 

Hello allegra and welcome to the forum.

 

It's actually not all that unusual at all to be both married and an OW. Usually referred to as MOW (married OW), it's also usual for them to divorce fairly early in the affair (for the reasons you've given... MM makes the MW feel alive and gives them strength to leave)... then the MM does not leave, and misery follows. Just going on statistics there.

 

Just looking at what you've said about your MM there are three things that stand out. Firstly he was looking for 'something on the side' (being on the forum he was on). I'm not condemning that, but using it as a predictor to future behaviour, he was in the mindset of being married AND cheating to fill whatever holes he had in his relationship. Secondly, the way he lied to you about his real status (new Dad) in order to get you more emotionally invoved than you otherwise would have been. Bad sign, and one that says to me that he would prefer lying all round to honesty in order to get what HE wants. Those two together say to me: MM who is never going to leave.

 

Thirdly, and this isn't so much about predicting his future behaviour (i.e. not leaving), but just generally as a person. Anyone who gets so involved so quickly in a 'love' situation, declaring undying passion etc. without really knowing you at all is doing nothing but projecting their own feelings onto others. It's a well-known sign or red flag of abusers for example... as easily as they idolise you they'll tear you down later when you don't live up to the image they've created. Not saying he is definitely like that, but I would say the signs aren't good (do a google search on people who fall in love too easily to see if his behaviour fits in with that idea, I'm just going on one or two sentences in your OP).

 

What I'd say is that bearing all that in mind, you need to concentrate on yourself, on ending your marriage well (if that's what you want), and finding a new life for yourself post-divorce. One that preferably doesn't rely on this MM to fulfil any of your needs other than as he has done so far: to give you the confidence boost you need to do what you need to do..?

 

Anyway good luck whatever you choose to do.

 

(ps. I'm an OW in an A for 3+ years)

[KATANYA]

Hi Allegra - Welcome to LS. I joined this site a few months ago as well and love the diversity of the opinions and comments - plus it really does help to know there are others in the same boat as me! I know how you are probably feeling in your M. I was married as well for almost 15 years to a man who was extremely insecure, jealous and who constantly reminded me that he would die without me, would never be able to survive, etc......and I stayed for many years because I did love him at one time, and I did feel a great deal of guilt that I had changed, wanted so much for myself and that in order to be the person I wanted to be, he no longer seemed to fit into my life. I made several attempted to improve my situation with my H - and finally, we did attempt counselling. The bottom line was that I had changed so much and he refused to change at all - he wanted a woman who could focus on his needs first and I wanted a man who could let me be me without feeling threatened that I would leave, find someone else, etc. every time I went out the door. In your situation now, you have to ask yourself what YOU want from your marriage, your life, etc. - not based on your MM and the emotions that go along with being a OW (god knows its a roller coaster) but what YOU want for YOU. You have to have your own plan, your own life and your own dreams before ANYONE (your husband, your MM, etc.) can be part of your plan. If your marriage is not what you want leaving will be hard but staying will become unbearable and you will only make yourself miserable along with everyone around you. Your husband will be devastated perhaps but it will also force him to grow as well - find the confidence to rebuild and go on, find someone else, etc. You are both trapped right now and someone has to have the courage to admit it and do something to fix it - either decide to commit to the M. and make changes to make it work (if that is what you REALLY want) or end it and move on.

 

Your MM is another issue altogether and you can't make any decisions about your own M and your life using him as the centre of the decisions. MM are exactly that, MARRIED! They are choosing to stay in their marriages for all sorts of reasons-comfort, children, finances........the list is long. But they generally will not leave the marriage and, IMO, their wives more often than not, do not leave them even when they find out about their A or their flings. Decisions you make about how your are going to handle your situation have to be YOURS without thinking about what it will mean for your relationship with your MM. Don't be influenced by him saying things like "I'll help you with rent", "We'll be able to see each other more", "I will leave after you get your situation settled", etc. - even if he means any of those things, chances of them happening are just too unsure and you can't bank on them or trust them.

 

I am an OW too and understand the roller coaster you are on - but I also don't believe in counting on any promises or commitments that my MM makes! I would probably go insane and it would take away the one thing I worked hard to get back - my sense of confidence and independence. I care very much for my MM and we have been together for two years - he has told me he would never leave his wife or his life and I have been very honest that I wouldn't want him to do that anyway - and if he ever did it would not be for me as I do not want to be married to him or live with him or have him support me, etc. I have worked hard to re-build my life so that I know I can support and take care of myself - my MM is a very dear friend and he does things for me WHEN HE CAN because he wants to, not because I expect or need him to. He is amazing when we are together and he is like all other MM when we are not - he calls when it is convenient and safe (which may mean not when he says or not when I would need him - but when he can and when he remembers to! ) He lives his life with his wife and family and I never want to know the details although I know his wife and family well. Our relationship is ours and it works for me and for him - with no expectations on either side that either I expect him to leave and come to me or that he expects me to be waiting, wondering and driving myself insane as to when he will call, when I will see him, etc.....

 

Sorry to make this post so long but I really can relate to where you are in all this - and its not easy. I just hope that you will separate the two issues; a marriage that is not working and an A that has become very important relationship and outlet for you. Keep both issues separate or you may end a M based on the wrong reasons and/or may continue an A simply to fill a void. And, by the way, ending your M based on your own feelings that you don't want to be with your H anymore may be hard on his confidence, ego, etc. but having him find out about your A will be absolutely devastating to him if his confidence, insecurities are that bad. I believe that men who are that needy on the women in their lives in order to feel confident, etc. are also the ones that are the most unpredictable when their women chose to leave - keep yourself safe but do what you need to do in order to be happy. Never stay in a relationship in order to fulfill the needs of someone else - not your H or your MM. We only get one life and you deserve more than to be miserable!! If you ever want to chat let me know. You have got support here - Good Luck!

[justfine]

You should consider telling your husband soon about your plans to leave. That way, he'll have a chance to process it and accept your decision to leave. Treat your husband fairly and be honest with him. Tell him you're no longer in love with him and that you want to move out once you can financially.

 

You don't need to be cruel and drop the bomb on him when it's convenient for you. Be considerate of the man who has been taking care of you, loving you; he deserves it.

[LucreziaBorgia]

In my heart I'm already single. I love my husband but only as a friend. I almost can't stand to have sex with him because I think of my MM and also because the sex is so BAD and i haven't the motivation anymore to improve it, though I've tried in the past.

 

I can't think of a worse thing than having to be married to, and depending on someone who doesn't love you or want you anymore - and worse yet, goes behind your back in order to get what they no longer want from you, and on top of that - is only staying because they see you as a paycheck and a place to stay. You say you love your husband as a friend. Let me tell you this: if what you are doing to him is your idea of love and friendship, then he would be far, far better living a life without you in it. No one deserves to be "loved" like that. I think I would rather be outright hated, than to be loved (used) by your definition. If your husband knew how you felt, then he probably would find that life without you is survivable: in fact, I expect he would find that it would be preferable. That way, he can cut the poison of you out of his life and try to rebuild with someone who will truly love, need and respect him.

 

As for your MM, well... you are an option to him, not a priority. Get used to it.

[frannie]

As for your MM, well... you are an option to him, not a priority. Get used to it.

 

I think she already guessed that. And, you know, the situation cuts both ways. He's just one of her many, many options as a divorcing woman.

 

And actually he's the least appealing of all of them, despite (or I would say especially because of) his declarations of love, etc.

[upto_here]

Hi all, I just wanted to introduce myself and wish everyone well. I had no idea about the existence of this forum until I found a link elsewhere....thank goodness you're here.

 

I find myself in the situation of being a wife AND an OW.

 

I was married at 21, over 14 years ago. For various reasons I clung-on to the first guy to show real interest in me and married him. All these years later I realised I was unsatisfied with my life in SO many ways. I thought one solution to the problem would be to join a site which introduced married people to each other for the purpose of having an affair and - basically - to bring a bit of zing to each other's lives....how simple that sounds.

 

I met a guy, aged 49, on the site in mid-May this year and we clicked straight away. Before long we'd told each other everything - so I thought. We met in person on 1st June and very soon he was writing me poetry and the most beautiful emails and told me he'd fallen in love with me - and i told him the same, despite it initially being the last thing both of us wanted.

 

A couple of weeks after that he told me about his baby daughter. She was 6 months old at the time. I can't have children and very often think about her. He initially told me that he didn't make me aware of her existence at first because he knew of my infertility and didn't want to hurt me. Later he admitted what I'm sure anyone reading this has already guessed: he waited until I told him that I'd fallen for him before letting me know about her. I could hardly believe what I was hearing.

 

He tells me that he won't leave his wife because of the baby but I know that it's also because of their substantial material possessions. He works in London, they have 2 businesses as well.....his life is so radically different to mine and I know that he could never leave all that behind and yet i continue to see him as much as is possible.

 

You're probably wondering about my husband. I love him but I have changed so very much since we were married and I'm a different person and want different things from life. But.....he's very insecure and lacking in confidence and I don't see how I could hurt him by leaving. He's told me in the past that he couldn't survive without me but I know that I could survive without him. The other thing holding me back is the financial aspect, but I'm working on that: I'm looking for work (self-employed at the moment) and will try to save enough to leave one day. In my heart I'm already single. I love my husband but only as a friend. I almost can't stand to have sex with him because I think of my MM and also because the sex is so BAD and i haven't the motivation anymore to improve it, though I've tried in the past.

 

My MM has given me the confidence in myself to try to make a better life. At first I thought it would be with him but now I know that won't happen. And yet I love him!! I saw him yesterday and when we parted I was feeling alright and happy that I'd seen him.......then he texted to say he was feeling down at leaving me that afternoon. More mixed messages.

 

I'm sitting here crying because all I'll get from him over the weekend is a couple of rushed emails (he doesn't work Fri - Sun). He can't even text me because his wife once found his 'other phone' and called me with it. She's found out about us twice now and he's sworn to her that he's not seeing me anymore.

 

I know it's a hopeless situation but I just have to picture him in my mind & remember things he's said and the loving looks he's given me and remember our intimate moments, to know that I just cannot end it yet.

 

I'm sorry about this 'war & peace' guys, but as you know, it helps to write it down. Thank you.

 

xx

 

:)hi A ...first of all welcome to LS.... ,you are at the right place to join and express your feeling ...and emotion need...i find this really helpful ...may i tell you some thing ...first when i join this side ,,....i was the same as you i am also the MOW but now i am an exmo...not that i'm D nut i divorced from my mm.... and i am so glad it is over ...from the first of my post i got the feedback that i like and don't like and i even offense it but i did not think at that time because i been blind ..i was so naive.,,,, my M is so bored and my H < at that time> he is very verbal abusive and help nothing to look after the kids...when i was with my MM i concentrated only on our R ...i ignored what went wrong in the first place in my M didn't even considered talking tru things with him cause i thought it no point...i had may suggestion from this side which i just read and consider what i wanted to hear..but they are REALLY OPEN OUR EYES....they been there and done that and the result most of the time are the same ,,especially us that still in the M and having an A ...bottom line, we can not live THE DOUBLE LIFE.......it will kill you when and once you go along ..please don't put yourself in that line ,like WWIU said ....fixed your M first if its not work..then leave and get a D ...!!! i was like that a few month back i even said to my H that i did not love him anymore and its devasted him !! poor man ..!! i put him tru so much because of someone make me feel special and feel good...a...then i saw the true coulour of the MM .,..if you read tru this forum ..how many of us did you see the MM leave his w and lived happily ever after with their OW?.....thats give you the answer,!!!....we only lived once....get out of the A while you still can don't live it until its nothing left in your heart.....we only mean well,,, good luck.....

[simplegirl]

I am an OW too and understand the roller coaster you are on - but I also don't believe in counting on any promises or commitments that my MM makes! I would probably go insane and it would take away the one thing I worked hard to get back - my sense of confidence and independence. I care very much for my MM and we have been together for two years - he has told me he would never leave his wife or his life and I have been very honest that I wouldn't want him to do that anyway - and if he ever did it would not be for me as I do not want to be married to him or live with him or have him support me, etc. I have worked hard to re-build my life so that I know I can support and take care of myself - my MM is a very dear friend and he does things for me WHEN HE CAN because he wants to, not because I expect or need him to. He is amazing when we are together and he is like all other MM when we are not - he calls when it is convenient and safe (which may mean not when he says or not when I would need him - but when he can and when he remembers to! ) He lives his life with his wife and family and I never want to know the details although I know his wife and family well. Our relationship is ours and it works for me and for him - with no expectations on either side that either I expect him to leave and come to me or that he expects me to be waiting, wondering and driving myself insane as to when he will call, when I will see him, etc.....

 

 

KAT - your situation sounds so much like mine! I've been seeing my MM now for 3 years and it has been under pretty much the exact same circumstances as what you have said above, down to I know his W and family well. Only recently has he started to discuss leaving her and what would happen with us if he did but I know he is not leaving for me. He is leaving (if he actually does) for many, many other reasons.

[Lyssa]

I know he is not leaving for me. He is leaving (if he actually does) for many, many other reasons.

 

Some MM do leave for many other reasons and not just because of OW. My MM decided to leave his W because things are not the same over the years and he takes full responsibility for his actions. I wouldn't ask him to leave even if that was what I wanted. It should be HIS own decision. I think it's wrong to ask a man to leave his M if he didn't want to... he'll end up resenting OW for that later on...

[allegra1971]

Hi all, I'm so appreciative that everyone's taken the time to write their feelings and advice down - even the 1 or 2 particularly venomous posters (especially one, you know who are you) who seem to delight in victimising a person they don't even know, let alone being unaware of the full situation! I find that amazing and quite, quite sad. People who throw stones, etc, etc. I'm sorry that my honesty about my situation is shocking to that person.

 

But moving on from that, I just want to say that I'm in a transitional time in my life, one that a lot of people go through.....and I'm finding this forum's advice and support fantastic and I only just joined the other day. :-)

 

xxx

[Lyssa]

Glad you see it that way. So how are things with you today?

[allegra1971]

Hello lyssa, how nice of you to ask! I'm feeling ok today thank you, hope you are too. :-) Now....yes that is partly because I have heard from my MM today.....but also because I had such a lovely, long phone conversation this morning with my best friend who's so supportive and understanding and has full knowledge of everything in my life. Plus the sun's shone here all day and it's been one of those few days of feeling quite at peace. In his mail my MM says, regarding something I wrote, "we never know what's going to happen in this life". How true! All I know at the moment is that things are changing for me, slowly and steadily and whether he'll figure in my future, I'm not sure.

 

xxx

[Lyssa]

I'm well, thank you! It's good to have support from a best friend or family members.

 

Yup, it's so true. We never know what's going to happen, even if plan it - it usually doesn't go our way, right? It's such a coincidence because earlier today, my MM and I spoke over the phone about the same thing. We don't know what's going to happen in the future but for now, let's just live it one day at a time.

 

So I reckon that's exactly what a lot of us doing now.. live it one day at a time...

[allegra1971]

"So I reckon that's exactly what a lot of us doing now.. live it one day at a time..."

 

....Exactly my thoughts, lyssa, and also my MM's. I know he has doubts over his homelife....but I'm no longer going to rely on him for my happiness. At least I'm going to give it a damned good try!

 

I'll be logging off now but just want to say to lysssa and anyone else reading this, take care and 'chin up'. NOT how I was feeling the other day I must admit, but there are so many ups & downs aren't there. The raison-d'etre of this forum is 'support and discussion' and let's all remember that!!!

 

xxx