Cobra_X30 Posted September 14, 2007 Posted September 14, 2007 its so easy to judge..but is it so wrong to feel good for once! for 10 years I felt dead inside. And one might say..."maybe you should tell you husband" yes I did tell him, I expressed to him what I need, how I need to feel like a woman, how i resent him when he puts me down, yells at me etc. For the sake of my children I stayed in this marriage..but now I feel like i'm a terrible mother because i have such anger and resentment in me towards their father. so somebody finally put a smile on my face and won't feel guilty about it. although I know i crossed the line with the kiss...but H doesn't feel guilty for making me cry all the time No I dont think Red is judging you... In fact I think she has allot of empathy for where you are coming from. I'm agreeing with her when I say your Husband is bad news for you... You should "86" him! You have a right to be happy in life... and constant tears do not make happiness.
redfathom Posted September 14, 2007 Posted September 14, 2007 You are very lucky to have a good divorce. I honestly don't know of any but I am sure they exist. The ones around me are constant custody fights and parent manipulation, money issues, using one spouse against the other, etc. Like marriages, divorces can go bad as well! Boy, life is a crap shoot! Centaur, you DO have to consider the consquences of your actions! Picture a worst case scenario and be prepared! It was my parents who divorced. And that is what I mean about burning bridges, would these people be fighting like this if they both tried and new the other person gave it there all and it was just not meant to be. I mean what do they fight about, they have resentments, hate, guilt, etc. And the kids get caught up in. Live your life with out having regrets, and that means no regret for cheating and no regret for wanting to be happy and fighting for your right to be happy. Look obvisouly marriages are all ready complicated with out adding a third party.
redfathom Posted September 14, 2007 Posted September 14, 2007 Also most people don't get enjoyment out of making someone cry I am sure he hurts you because he is also hurting. Find out why. Also, please don't take what I said as some sort of pro battered wife comment, as in "I must have done something to deserve it" heck, him being angry or hurt might not even be your fault, it could be something as simple as miscommunication or an assumption on his part. But you should find out.
whichwayisup Posted September 14, 2007 Posted September 14, 2007 Also most people don't get enjoyment out of making someone cry I am sure he hurts you because he is also hurting. And that doesn't give her an excuse or to justify her kissing another man. *Still am curious to know about this client. Are you a Dr, therapist, Lawyer? Because if so, you've crossed the professional lines big time by kissing a client and having feelings for him. You are in a position of power, and that's abusing that position.*
Cobra_X30 Posted September 14, 2007 Posted September 14, 2007 WWIU, I think she mentioned accounting or something!
whichwayisup Posted September 14, 2007 Posted September 14, 2007 Thanks C. I must have missed that part.
Author Centar13 Posted September 15, 2007 Author Posted September 15, 2007 Sounds like there's more to this story then you're letting on. Yes there is more to my story/life - I didn't want to go into all details fear of others would get bored reading. Lets start with I KNOW its wrong, I have morals, I was raised in a larger italian family with strong family values. My parents are still together after 50 years. I think anyone who cheats are cowards becuase they can not face their on demons head on. I reconize my deamons I know where my faults are. I have express to my H numorous times.. I need you to make me feel like a woman, I feel degraded when you yell at me. Here is a perfect example.... I went to the gym to take a class - I came home about 1/2 hour after class, as I was coming in my neighbor stopped and was talking to me (it was about 9:00 pm) My H came outside and scream my name - "are you serious - when are you coming in the f!cKing house! and then slammed the door. The made me feel so humilated... that was just one example. And I know - kissing another man isn't going to make my situtation better.BUT!! MY H HAS SUCKED THE LIFE OUT OF ME! I felt soo dead - and it was like a ray of light and alarm clocks going off - a wake up call - that I don't want to live my life like this. I need more and I deserve more. sorry for so long.... BUT THERE IS AN UPDATE! H and I had discussion last night about our marriage.....
directx Posted September 15, 2007 Posted September 15, 2007 Well, don't leave us hanging! Or is it something we don't need to know.
Author Centar13 Posted September 15, 2007 Author Posted September 15, 2007 And that doesn't give her an excuse or to justify her kissing another man. *Still am curious to know about this client. Are you a Dr, therapist, Lawyer? Because if so, you've crossed the professional lines big time by kissing a client and having feelings for him. You are in a position of power, and that's abusing that position.* yes i know I crossed the line by kissing a client....but! it takes two to kiss. and I am really not in a position of power with my client
Author Centar13 Posted September 15, 2007 Author Posted September 15, 2007 UPDATE - with H Last night H and I and kids (i have 2) when to dinner - after dinner we had long talk about our marriage. I told him that I have resentment and have been angry for so long and that the yelling at me in public - (the last time at a party) was the last straw. He said all he wants for me is to come to bed at night and not to work till 11:00. I told him our relationship should be different... I should be able to love you, not be mad, want to treat you like a man...but I told him I can't..but you don't know how to treat a woman. I said I should have told him 5 years ago instead of continuing this type of marriage. maybe I wouldn't have such resentment. I told him he needs to go to therapy... I've been in therapy - its good for the soul... I told him that there is something wrong with him... ie; pictures before were married he is smiling in.... every picture were in even with kids... he is not smiling.... I told him your not happy too. I said we are heading down the path of his parrents Edith and Archey Bunker - who hasn't had sex in over 15 years... I told him... this is not healthy... and I think we need to separate so I can forget about the hate and resentment on only remember the good in him so I can fall in love with him agian. because right now I can't think of any reason my i fell in love with him... i'm sure if i get my journal out and re-read what i wrote about him... I can figure it out...but now I need to feel alive! he agreed to go to therapy... I told him.. he has to find a therapist! I can't make the appointment... i told him - "if you can find tradesmen in a telephone book to do work for you then you can find a therapist" so he slept on the couch and I asked him this morning... if he wants to talk more... he said maybe later... I feel bad that i'm hurting him...but I shouldn't feel guilty becuase all these years of him hurting me
whichwayisup Posted September 15, 2007 Posted September 15, 2007 Well, I am happy to hear you talked to your husband. Atleast now he knows how miserable you are. Make an appointment to see a marriage counsellor as well. You two need to have a 3rd person in the room to be objective. Bottomline, involving another man in this mess right now will only mess you up. Fix what is broken, you won't need the OM anymore. OR, if your marriage is unfixable, then you divorce and see whomever you please. (as long as he isn't married.) yes i know I crossed the line by kissing a client....but! it takes two to kiss. and I am really not in a position of power with my client But he IS your client, and it IS crossing the lines. Yes, it takes two to kiss, but if you are his accountant, or managing or helping him with his money, then yeah, that's a position of power.
redfathom Posted September 15, 2007 Posted September 15, 2007 Good for you Centar13! You H does not want to talk right now because he is still angry and tring to suck it all in. My H would do the same thing, yell at me in public or in front of his family (because I disprespected him by not agreeing with him). When I tried to tell him how unhappy I was he would tell me I could leave he would go get the divorce papers but I would never find anyone as good as him and everything was 80% my fault, even my insecurites brought on by his porn use. Then one day I left and I felt so good. Then we started to date, we would see each other on weekends, I told him he needed to make the plans and the arrnagments, pick me, etc. And he did step up to the plate, he would get dressed up and take me to nice dinners and movies that I actually wanted to see. I also told him he needed to see a therapist and I would not call for him, he had to do that to show he was serious he was abhout this and he did. We both need to start going back again. It truly does help and posting on here is theraputic. It's hard when you are married for so long to come in and set boundries the other person will most likely resist, change is scary for people, so remember does he resist because he does not love you or because he is scared. Men need a lot of reassurance. I think you are doing the right thing and I wish you luck. P.S. I feel bad that i'm hurting him...but I shouldn't feel guilty becuase all these years of him hurting me - You will feel bad but the reason you should not feel guilty is becuase he should try to love you the way you want and promised to do when you both married (within reason of course).
Sal Paradise Posted September 15, 2007 Posted September 15, 2007 and I think we need to separate so I can forget about the hate and resentment on only remember the good in him so I can fall in love with him agian. You want to seperate so you can take things further with your "Client" without the guilt. If you honestly want to fix the marriage then a seperation isn't needed. He does need therapy and he probably is a bad husband but none of that justifies you cheating on him (most would consider kissing to be cheating).
whichwayisup Posted September 15, 2007 Posted September 15, 2007 Question: IS this client of yours married as well?
Bobby NoBrains Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 UPDATE - with H Last night H and I and kids (i have 2) when to dinner - after dinner we had long talk about our marriage. I told him that I have resentment and have been angry for so long and that the yelling at me in public - (the last time at a party) was the last straw. He said all he wants for me is to come to bed at night and not to work till 11:00. I told him our relationship should be different... I should be able to love you, not be mad, want to treat you like a man...but I told him I can't..but you don't know how to treat a woman. I said I should have told him 5 years ago instead of continuing this type of marriage. maybe I wouldn't have such resentment. I told him he needs to go to therapy... I've been in therapy - its good for the soul... I told him that there is something wrong with him... ie; pictures before were married he is smiling in.... every picture were in even with kids... he is not smiling.... I told him your not happy too. I said we are heading down the path of his parrents Edith and Archey Bunker - who hasn't had sex in over 15 years... I told him... this is not healthy... and I think we need to separate so I can forget about the hate and resentment on only remember the good in him so I can fall in love with him agian. because right now I can't think of any reason my i fell in love with him... i'm sure if i get my journal out and re-read what i wrote about him... I can figure it out...but now I need to feel alive! he agreed to go to therapy... I told him.. he has to find a therapist! I can't make the appointment... i told him - "if you can find tradesmen in a telephone book to do work for you then you can find a therapist" so he slept on the couch and I asked him this morning... if he wants to talk more... he said maybe later... I feel bad that i'm hurting him...but I shouldn't feel guilty becuase all these years of him hurting me I am so glad you're tackling the real problem instead of hiding from it and looking for an outside solution. Trust me, I know there is guilt and hurt and confusion about whether you are doing the right thing by putting out an ultimatum. When a person who has not been selfish in a long while starts thinking about and putting themselves first, you get these kinds of feelings. Give him some time to work things out also. Keep pushing for results, but push gently. If this doesn't work, you will have a clear conscience that you did your best to make it work, and you will be free to be with whomever you want. If it works, you won't need anyone else and you will be able to be happy with your husband who will (hopefully) have once again learned to treat you with the love and respect and dignity that you deserve. Good luck and god bless you. Just my two bits .. Bobby
Author Centar13 Posted September 17, 2007 Author Posted September 17, 2007 Question: IS this client of yours married as well? no my client is single, never married
Author Centar13 Posted September 17, 2007 Author Posted September 17, 2007 You want to seperate so you can take things further with your "Client" without the guilt. If you honestly want to fix the marriage then a seperation isn't needed. He does need therapy and he probably is a bad husband but none of that justifies you cheating on him (most would consider kissing to be cheating). there is nothing going on with me and my client. there never will be. it was just a kiss that meant nothing to him. i allowed him to flirt with me to make me feel like a woman. my h is making every attempt to make things right between us by seeing a therapist to control his anger and see whats wrong with him. in time i will forget about all the resentment i have but it will take a separation between us.
Author Centar13 Posted September 17, 2007 Author Posted September 17, 2007 bobby... thank you for your non judgemental advice. centar13
corky Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 Why would he get upset? What's the problem? You were trying to sit him next to you and YOUR husband for christ sake! Um, a little awkward and insane to say the least!!! LMFAO!!! Just a physical full-flesh reminder that you are MARRIED and If I did such with a married woman, even if he didn't know about it, I surely wouldn't want to come face-to-face with him. I think he realized how dysfunctional you are and just wants to avoid you and the situation altogether!
confuseddd Posted September 19, 2007 Posted September 19, 2007 WOw, I am in the same boat you are Centar. My hubby talks to me like crap too and for years I have excused it. Now this single man came along and the same thing has happened. IT all started out very innocently. Go to the "Abuse" forum and read the one about "is this abuse or am I overreacting?" I know how you feel about feeling alive again...When I think about this crush, it is an oasis from my marital problems. It makes me feel so good that someone else will go out of their way to be nice to me. Nothing has happened except a few conversations. I really don't think he will pursue anything b/c he knows my hubby. Wow...let us know how you are doing!
Author Centar13 Posted September 19, 2007 Author Posted September 19, 2007 Confusedd - your in good company -but i've decided to use the oars on the boat! My H went to his first therapy session, he told me he was going to make a honest effort and answer all questions truthfully. I told him that either I was going or he was going and this separation is happening regardless of therapy that I needed this in order to forget all about the resentment of all his actions. So he started looking for an apartment and said it wasn't going to be available until Mid October. He is now feeling poor me and I understand that he is confused and doesn't understand whats going on that I finally had enough! but now he saying hes going to get a studio apartment near the ghetto! - I told him NO that is not good. That is poor quality of life and just a pressure cooker waiting to explode. I told him the kids need to have a place nice and feel comfortable and not feel like they are going to the ghetto! Money is NOT problem - he is just feeling sorry. He is feeling embarrassed or maybe denial... he doesn't want me to tell anyone of our up in coming separation - he doesn't even want to tell his parents. I told him that is the worst thing to do..I asked him "do you want our kids to feel they have keep a secret" He doesn't want to tell his parents because they too are controlling and would probably constantly probe and quiz our young kids on whats going on in our life. Even if we told them not to do it and let us figure this out on our own. OH! another upset I had with him... before he went to his therapy session he called me and asked me..."do you want to do ballroom dancing" - cause I asked him to do that with me over 3 years ago - I really wasn't serious about it..but just asked him to do something different with him. My response was - that is insulting to me that now becuase I'm telling you i'm leaving that NOW!!! you want to do things with me and treat me with respect.. I told him no! and said to myself...now he has something to talk about to his therapist.. And yes... I am going to the therapist too.. my appointment isn't until next week. I told my H - that he needs to continue with therapy to find him... to see why he is so angry, has social anxiety, hates that fact that I have friends. As much as he likes my outgoing personality - he hates it too. any thoughts????
Cobra_X30 Posted September 19, 2007 Posted September 19, 2007 OH! another upset I had with him... before he went to his therapy session he called me and asked me..."do you want to do ballroom dancing" - cause I asked him to do that with me over 3 years ago - I really wasn't serious about it..but just asked him to do something different with him. My response was - that is insulting to me that now becuase I'm telling you i'm leaving that NOW!!! you want to do things with me and treat me with respect.. I told him no! and said to myself...now he has something to talk about to his therapist.. He remembered your request from 3 years ago? It shows he listens and remembers. He did not understand how you felt before... now he is starting to realize. Is that insulting? Thats your call. But consider... is your desire to punish him so strong that you will ignore the positive steps he makes? For how long?
Author Centar13 Posted September 19, 2007 Author Posted September 19, 2007 He remembered your request from 3 years ago? It shows he listens and remembers. He did not understand how you felt before... now he is starting to realize. Is that insulting? Thats your call. But consider... is your desire to punish him so strong that you will ignore the positive steps he makes? For how long? Cobra... not be negetive here...because I am the most positive person in the world.. always looking for the good.. BUT! my husband openly admits he doesn't listen to me. That if the conversation isn't important to him he will just tune it out. Thats why I would have to repetedly tell the same story. As for not understanding me... I have been in therapy before... I learned out to express my feelings in way not make him deffensive. It is when I express myself to him... he would yell at me ... and say leave me the F!#K alone, I don't want to talk about it etc.. I expressed to him when you yell at me and tell me to leave you alone and chose not to communicate with me - it causes me to resent you and I don't like it. I think that is very clear and easy to understand. As for punishing... it is not punishing him - it is a wake up call. You don't get to treat people this way. And I'm not ignoring his positive steps - but i'm not leting these acts of kindness cloud my vision. as for how long - until I can forget about the 10 years of resentment and remember why I fell in love with him.. right now I don't know if i love him...
Author Centar13 Posted September 19, 2007 Author Posted September 19, 2007 He remembered your request from 3 years ago? It shows he listens and remembers. He did not understand how you felt before... now he is starting to realize. Is that insulting? Thats your call. But consider... is your desire to punish him so strong that you will ignore the positive steps he makes? For how long? Cobra... not be negetive here...because I am the most positive person in the world.. always looking for the good.. BUT! my husband openly admits he doesn't listen to me. That if the conversation isn't important to him he will just tune it out. Thats why I would have to repetedly tell the same story. As for not understanding me... I have been in therapy before... I learned out to express my feelings in way not make him deffensive. It is when I express myself to him... he would yell at me ... and say leave me the F!#K alone, I don't want to talk about it etc.. I expressed to him when you yell at me and tell me to leave you alone and chose not to communicate with me - it causes me to resent you and I don't like it. I think that is very clear and easy to understand. As for punishing... it is not punishing him - it is a wake up call. You don't get to treat people this way. And I'm not ignoring his positive steps - but i'm not leting these acts of kindness cloud my vision. as for how long - until I can forget about the 10 years of resentment and remember why I fell in love with him.. right now I don't know if i love him...
Cobra_X30 Posted September 19, 2007 Posted September 19, 2007 Cobra... not be negetive here...because I am the most positive person in the world.. always looking for the good.. BUT! my husband openly admits he doesn't listen to me. That if the conversation isn't important to him he will just tune it out. Thats why I would have to repetedly tell the same story. As for not understanding me... I have been in therapy before... I learned out to express my feelings in way not make him deffensive. It is when I express myself to him... he would yell at me ... and say leave me the F!#K alone, I don't want to talk about it etc.. I expressed to him when you yell at me and tell me to leave you alone and chose not to communicate with me - it causes me to resent you and I don't like it. I think that is very clear and easy to understand. As for punishing... it is not punishing him - it is a wake up call. You don't get to treat people this way. And I'm not ignoring his positive steps - but i'm not leting these acts of kindness cloud my vision. as for how long - until I can forget about the 10 years of resentment and remember why I fell in love with him.. right now I don't know if i love him... I'm just pointing out that he may listen more than you think. It really hurts to be ignored by someone you love... and sometimes that hardens you towards the times they do listen. To his mind he is simply working off a very basic positive and negative feeback cycle. He was escalating the situation until you would drop it... thus his goal of avoidance was acheived. What I suggest is using that same basic system to your advantage. Reward all positive behaviors! Provide negative incentives for all bad behaviors. In essence when he says "hey I would like it if we did something together". Insead of getting upset... because he waited so long to do this and providing negative feedback, reward his positive behavior. It can be as simple as saying "thats a very good idea... I would like to do that also... but I'm not at a place where I can do that yet". Seems like I'm kind of just rambling... but do you see where I am going. This isn't a knock on you... actually its commendable that you put up with him so long!
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