Rocker_Guy101 Posted September 14, 2007 Posted September 14, 2007 Hey, i am an 18 year old male and at the moment am finding life really hard. I feel anxious and depressed at times and generally i don't feel myself at all. I Had been going out with my ex for almost 2 years but i liked her for ages before this. For most of this we were really happy and had a great relationship and ive never felt as close to anyone before. I knew i loved her but i completly messed up and still hate myself for it. After a month of going out i tried to kiss someone at a party, i was very drunk and can barely remember it, i know its not a proper defence but in all honesty i have no idea why i did this. Seeing as i was super drunk and i did actually kiss her i let it go and decided to forget about it. I now see how immature and stupid i was. The worst thing about this is i continued to drink after this. But days after it happened me and my girlfriend said "I love you" and it was the best day of my life. So the months went on and everything was amazing especially when we were alone and i knew i loved her more and more. We phoned eachother everynight and couldnt stop thinking bout eachother. We talked and talked and im not usually good at this. But then i realised my drinking was hurting her so i decided to try and stop on a number of occasions. But everything got real bad when i went to a concert. I didnt intend to drink but somehow i kept getting more and more without realising just how much i had. I ended up in the bar talking to random people and ended up kissing some weird fat girl and i cant think how it happened but why would i want to do this. I dont think i did but i did it ah and its been killing me since. I remember crying on the way home thinking how i cudnt believe i did dat. But once again i choked, and couldnt tell my girlfriend. Things were going to good and i didnt want to loose or even hurt here. But this kiss meant nothing so i tried to forget about it aswell. So months ans months on it was coming up to a year of going out and things were close to perfect, we were really in love and i loved every moment i spent with her. But my parents had went on holiday and i had to have a friend over because i dont like sleeping on my own in the house. I didnt want to drink but my friend ended up bring loads and we invited people over and again i had one short stupid kiss with someone i can barely stand. Again close to being passed out so im thinking she kissed me but still it was a horrible thing and i dont know why it happened. The next day i was in a pub with my friends when my exs friend phoned me and said she knew and i had to tell her. So my ex phoned me and when i told her about the two first girls i broke into tears and i'll never forget dat feeling of hurting someone i loved so so much. I couldnt believe i did all this. It doesnt sound like me. Am i just a complete bastard? And still i didnt tell her about the night before, whats the matter with me. But we ended up staying together and i was so happy but still got anxious over not telling her and i dont know why i didnt. Over the next month things were brilliant again, i loved her so much and we had sex for the first time. But a month later and we were geting on eachothers nerves a bit. So she phoned me and told me she didnt know how she felt about me. I know now i probably deserved all of this, but at the time i was so hurt because i never once thought i didnt love her. But i kept hurting her. A week later i went to her house because the anxiety i had was too much to bare, and at her house everything felt normal again and amzing with her. She promised me she wouldnt do it to me again. For months after this everything was great again. However i was feeling very anxious everynow and again incase she fell out of love with me. Another of the best nights of my life were our anniversary, just after she had these feelings. It was amazing and we went out for the night and i bought her flowers for the first time and went back to my house where i lit loads of candles. Yeah its cheesy but i was so in love with her. After months and months it was great but then suddenly a felt her mood was changing. Then my suspicions came true and she told me she didnt know how she felt about me again. This was awfula dn i cudnt stop crying. I felt for sure if she found out bout me kissing the girl she'd breakup with me and like stupid ass i didnt tell her. I was able to get her back but with the pressure of her saying if she had these feelings again she'd dump me. So after all this i felt still the same as i always did about her. I felt she loved me too, but at some point her friend found out about this girl and told her. But this time my ex didnt tell me. I think she didnt want to upset me for my exams or something, but after they were over she told me she knew and broke up with me. I realise now that this was probably the only thing she could have done. But i was so hurt because i still loved her and hadnt got drunk in over a year. And since then i had never came close to cheating because i know i wud never do it to her if i wasnt off my head. But anyway for the first two months i think i was coping ok. I got quite depressed on occasions but most of the time i tried not to think about her. I seen her twice and it hurt to look at her both times cause shes so beautiful but i knew i had to get over her. So after ages of not thinking about her i had to go to dublin with her and a few friends fot 2 days and it was awful. She seemed totally over me and i could stop thinking bout how much i wanted to hold her and kiss her. After the trip i was has high anxiety and felt crap and just as i thought i was getting over it i logged onto Bebo and noticed her relationship status was chaged to "seeing someone" and underneath that i noticed one of my best friends was also changed. They were eachothers otherhalf on it and i asked her and she sed yea. I felt so awful like i was dying and couldnt stop thinking about them. Now its like 4 days after i found out and about 3 months after we broke up. I know i broke her heart and ihate that, but i also know that my hearted broken and i'll never forgive myself for messing up the best thing ive ever had. Now im finding it really hard to move on. I still love her soo much and cant stop thinking bout her. I cant stop thinking bout the good times and the bad times dont come to mind at all. I wanna be with her more than anything in the world even though i know it'll never happen again and for some reason i feel so broken and not myself. Since i started going out with her i had no feelings for anyone else and ive never doubted my love for her. So now after too years its so hard to even feel differently and i cant feel attracted to any othergirl. Shes my first though when ever i wake up and last at night. I mean this im not trying to be dramatic. So why cant i get over her. The thought that i messed this up by drinking is the worsed and the fact that i hurt her so much. Please help me, i feel so crap and i just wanna feel myself. But gah i just cant feel this way about anyone else. Also why the hell did i cheat, i dont knwo why and its killing me. Am i just a bastard. I dont think im abad guy, but im completely in love with someone i cant be, im jelous of the fact that shes seeing my friend and its hurting soooooo bad. And i just wanna kiss her and i know i never will again. Please help me.
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