katiebour Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 Katie, if you don't mind me asking, how did you feel about him when you first met? Were you thinking about him all the time? Hmm... I think that I did think about him most of the time. Back when we first met, I was working a really boring job, and to liven things up I'd think about him when I wasn't busy. When I got off work I usually went to his work to keep him company for a few hours (we both worked nights, he the overnight at Walgreens- a lot of mindless walking and stocking. So I'd walk with him and we'd talk.) Then I'd go home, either to my place, or to his (we basically didn't want to be apart after a few weeks and so we mostly spent nights together.) When he'd come home we'd eat, chat, play games, watch movies, make love- sleep, work, wash, rinse repeat. Just due to the nature of our relationship and our personalities, we're not really apart much, and have not been, even from the beginning. Life is just more fun with the other person around to share it. I always had that googly "oh my sweetie is SO wonderful and handsome and perfect and funny and smart and kind and..." feeling rolling around in my head. It's still there although it doesn't dominate my thoughts as much as it did when we went through the infatuation phase. It sounds to me like your situation is that you like her quite a bit, you think about her a fair amount, but you're afraid to commit more or really "fall" for her since she's not showing an incredible amount of the same kind of interest. I can tell you that in the early stages of my relationship, if my b/f had called me, I would have dropped everything to call him back and talk to him. I think it's still that way even now. Honesty is the best policy in my opinion. Tell her that you're curious as to why she doesn't get back to you sooner, and be up front in admitting that it seems to you that she's not as interested in you as you are in her. Pretending to be more secure than you are is also a kind of mind game- you're putting on a false front. Let her know that this is a concern of yours, and if you're not that important a factor in her life, that perhaps the two of you are not meant to be. My b/f and I have always been honest with each other and have had serious and meaningful discussions about our relationship from day one. Neither of us considered it some kind of "weakness" to care about the relationship. Both of us have been scarred in the past by previous relationships and obviously we both wanted to make this work. We both also admitted that we needed reassurance from the other person that things were good from both points of view. I often queried my b/f in the beginning, "Are you happy with me? Is there anything that I can do to make this relationship even better?" If something came up, we worked on it, and we still do that, even today. If she's enough of an adult to realize that you asking for some small reassurance is not a sign of a gaping hole of insecurity, then you should be fine. You're human too and you don't have to be a macho man and put up an ultra-confident front.
LoveLace Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 Well 24/7 would include while I'm sleeping, but it does feel like I think about my BF that much, probably only because we are in that beginning stage of falling in love or whatever...ew it's making me sappy!
Author StaringContest Posted September 19, 2007 Author Posted September 19, 2007 Katie, you really got me thinking. we basically didn't want to be apart after a few weeks and so we mostly spent nights together I'm impressed that you could make that kind of relationship work. My experiences with spending so much time together have always turned into a quick crash and burn. Now I think I've developed the standard guy's fear of a girl wanting to be around all the time. Right now, I'm thinking the root of all this is that my experience has taught me that too strong of feelings and too much time together in the beginning turns out bad. Whether that's true or not in general, it's been true for me. So far, it doesn't seem to be true for other people. I'm wondering why that is. It sounds to me like your situation is that you like her quite a bit, you think about her a fair amount, but you're afraid to commit more or really "fall" for her since she's not showing an incredible amount of the same kind of interest.In some ways, that's true. In some ways, it's not. Honesty is the best policy in my opinion. Tell her that you're curious as to why she doesn't get back to you sooner, and be up front in admitting that it seems to you that she's not as interested in you as you are in her. Pretending to be more secure than you are is also a kind of mind game- you're putting on a false front.I wouldn't say it's really a false front, because when she doesn't seem interested, I'm actually less interested. While I am wondering why she's not calling, at the same time, I kind of don't care. If she never called me back, I'd be perfectly fine and hardly give her a second thought. I guess maybe that's what concerns me most, that this macho thing isn't a front. In the past, I might have had to try to put one up. Now I just don't care. I guess some people might consider that self-confidence or being self-sufficient, but I can't help feeling a little heartless. I'm also think I'm becoming somewhat of a commitment-phobe. Well 24/7 would include while I'm sleeping, but it does feel like I think about my BF that much, probably only because we are in that beginning stage of falling in love or whatever...ew it's making me sappy! Thanks for sharing, LL. Congratulations on your new relationship. Ya know, I just realized almost everyone responding to my thread is female. I don't really have a comparison against other guys' experiences. Maybe I'm just turning into a more 'normal' guy.
MystifiedByMen Posted September 19, 2007 Posted September 19, 2007 I think you do in the very early stages of seeing someone when it's really new and very exciting. Then that dispates and you slowly get back into the grind of life.
Lyssa Posted September 19, 2007 Posted September 19, 2007 Back when I was seeing this guy, A - I was still thinking a lot about him even after 2 yrs of dating. I didn't get to find if the thinking of him subsided because we broke up after 2 and half years. Even after the break-up I was thinking of him.. for about another 2 yrs... lol - that was a waste of time!
Cobra_X30 Posted September 19, 2007 Posted September 19, 2007 My experiences with spending so much time together have always turned into a quick crash and burn. Now I think I've developed the standard guy's fear of a girl wanting to be around all the time. Right now, I'm thinking the root of all this is that my experience has taught me that too strong of feelings and too much time together in the beginning turns out bad. Whether that's true or not in general, it's been true for me. So far, it doesn't seem to be true for other people. I'm wondering why that is. In some ways, that's true. In some ways, it's not. I wouldn't say it's really a false front, because when she doesn't seem interested, I'm actually less interested. While I am wondering why she's not calling, at the same time, I kind of don't care. If she never called me back, I'd be perfectly fine and hardly give her a second thought. I guess maybe that's what concerns me most, that this macho thing isn't a front. In the past, I might have had to try to put one up. Now I just don't care. I guess some people might consider that self-confidence or being self-sufficient, but I can't help feeling a little heartless. I'm also think I'm becoming somewhat of a commitment-phobe. Ya know, I just realized almost everyone responding to my thread is female. I don't really have a comparison against other guys' experiences. Maybe I'm just turning into a more 'normal' guy. Hmmm... you want some male perspective? I don't think about my SO 24/7. That said... I never forget her either. I went the same way you did. In my youth, it was kind of obsessive, now its much more balanced and healty. I am convinced that its an emotional defence mechanism, combined with a more adult view of myself in relation to others. Example: We often learn to define ourselves by something... hobbies, groups, stereotypes... ect. I played football in highschool, thus often times I would define myself by that group. Now early on I also tended to define myself by my relationships. I think girls tend to do this much more strongly than I ever did. Anyway... that's my take on it. BTW, I dont think it has a bad meaning that your not throwing all of your mental eggs into this girls basket. However, you should spend a little time thinking about what you are doing to get her more interested in you. It seems to me that if she gave you more signs of interest... you would respond by thinking about her more!
Author StaringContest Posted September 23, 2007 Author Posted September 23, 2007 Hmmm... you want some male perspective? I don't think about my SO 24/7. That said... I never forget her either. I went the same way you did. In my youth, it was kind of obsessive, now its much more balanced and healty. I am convinced that its an emotional defence mechanism, combined with a more adult view of myself in relation to others. Example: We often learn to define ourselves by something... hobbies, groups, stereotypes... ect. I played football in highschool, thus often times I would define myself by that group. Now early on I also tended to define myself by my relationships. I think girls tend to do this much more strongly than I ever did. Anyway... that's my take on it. Thanks for posting, Cobra. That makes me a little less worried about myself. I think I've done about all the contemplating I can on this for the moment. I think I'm ok with my new like outlook for now. BTW, I dont think it has a bad meaning that your not throwing all of your mental eggs into this girls basket. However, you should spend a little time thinking about what you are doing to get her more interested in you. It seems to me that if she gave you more signs of interest... you would respond by thinking about her more! I think you're right. But I'm only willing to put in more effort to get her interested if she seems to be putting in effort too.
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