pnx88 Posted September 14, 2007 Posted September 14, 2007 Well let me start off by saying thanks to all who reads this. I’m going through a lot of heartache right now and I need advice. Sorry in advance for the long long post. Where to begin..? Let me first say that my parents, who I’ve lived with for the 19 years of my life, aren’t exactly a great influence. They’re good people and they mean well, but I don’t agree with a lot of the things they do, say, believe, run their own relationship, or raise my younger brother, as well as how they raised me. A lot of what they do doesn’t make sense; they don’t have the best judgment when it comes to raising kids lets say. This plays in to my story. Anyway, I’ve been dating my GF for what will be 2 years in 5 days. At least I was dating her up until the 27th of last month, about 1:30am I believe. Anyway, she called me up for the second time after saying good night to me and after a brief conversation told me we shouldn’t be together anymore. I was shocked as to me I didn’t see this coming. Now, this is the fourth time we’ve broken up since February, but the other 3 times I saw coming, cause I felt the relationship get kinda rocky (my fault as i'll explain). This time though, I was completely surprised. She basically told me that it was because I haven’t changed and I basically never would. This is where my parent’s negativity plays in. Ever since I was in kindergarten, I needed a lot of attention from other people that my parents didn’t give me, but the other kids in school rejected me as well, I didn’t really fit in. I used to go to school all the time wishing I had illnesses or something devastating would happen to me, just so I could get peoples attention and get people to feel bad for me. Now while this stopped a long time ago, my subconscious need for attention was still apparent, especially as I spent most of my school days up until 2 years ago locked in my room. I also had a lot of problems with my parents as they never listened to me no matter what I had to say, and always thought they were right never admitting their mistakes. They used to threaten me with the police, of who they called on me twice just because they wanted them to come to my house to scare me into listening to them (they've admitted it). I used to be suicidal; they blew it off and took it as a joke. Relating to my GF, I was also very insecure and had difficulty trusting her and accepting her for her past mistakes and future aspirations, though this was only after she had gotten me over my depression issues, about 6 months into the relationship. Basically, she helped me get through my suicidal tendencies, problems at home, out of psychiatrists offices and off the many anti-depressants I was taking at them time. She was always there for me when I needed her. Even when she had her own problems on her mind, she would push them aside to help me. The problem is once I was free of most of my depression; it’s only fair to expect that I would now be there for her, like any boyfriend should. The thing is that I subconsciously still needed attention (unknowing that I had this need up until a few weeks ago) and I usually always made her problems all about me, not allowing myself to care about what was bothering her. Doing this because I had no more problems at home but still needing the attention I did make things about me. After I was over these depression issues of mine, I started to build up an insecurity of her, and I started to be un-accepting of the things I used to be accepting of her with. These are actually even things we had in common, but for some reason I couldn’t get over them with her, though now I realize that it was my need for attention that made me so insecure and un-accepting, once again making things about me. None of these things she enjoyed are wrong, just some activities and interests, even I liked them. Basically, she broke up with me the first three times because she felt I would never change, but always got back together with me because of promises I made to her that I would change and I am no longer that person. Needless to say, I always reverted in one way or another back to my old habits and for the fourth time, she dumped me. She also broke it off because she insists that I still have issues with my parents, which isn’t true. We cohabitate this house just fine now but she refuses to see it that way. I insist that all conflicting problems with my parents are long gone, as I’ve come to realize that it’s better to live and let live than hold grudges. The difference this time though is being that we’ve been apart for almost 3 weeks now, I’ve had a lot of time to think and reflect about myself. I’ve come to realize my dependency for attention, something I didn’t before, and I know I’ve overcome it by my awareness of it and not giving in to it. I’ve come to realize that her past is indifferent to the future I want with her, and makes no difference to the person she is today; its inconsequential. After realizing my flaws, I’m confident that I could be there for her all the time, no matter what, being of how important she is to me. The thing with her though is that she told me that even if I change, I’m still not right for her because she wants someone who was like that from the start, not somebody who supposedly “became that for her”. I insist though that I haven’t. The changes I’ve made are all to better myself as a person, and I’m completely being myself, just as I said this is how I used to be before I had the depression, I’m basically reverting to my original, natural state of mind if you will. And even though she acknowledges that I was this way before, she still insists that it’s not actually me and I’ve become this for her. And the more I reflect on myself, the more I realize how good she is for me, because I realize even more how compatible she is for me. The fourth time isn’t as easy though now that she’s found someone else who she says is better for her because get this, he’s just like me, but he didn’t supposedly ‘become’ this way for her. Like he was like this from the start. Though I insist this is who I truly have been, but my conflicts at home have interfered with my state of mind and clear thinking in the past. My dependency for attention deprived me from my ability to be a functional person though those days are over. I explained it to her like if two people get married and are perfect for each other but one becomes an alcoholic and for any period of time his personality changes. It’s not really him, but his addiction distorted his thinking. The problem with this new person though is that he’s four years younger than her and they can’t actually have a serious relationship for at least another two years, though she’ll probably be finishing college by that time anyway as he’s getting out of HS. This is where I find hope that it may not work out between them and in time she may come to realize that I was serious when I said that I’ve changed (or rather just got rid of my issues allowing me to be myself). Were still best friends, and we talk every day and see each other a lot. She tells me that she does not want to be with me any more, but her actions speak otherwise. The way she smiles and stares into my eyes all the time, the way she hugs me, the caring gestures she makes (touching my face and such), sometimes shell even kiss me on the cheek. She tells me she still loves me, but only as a friend, and while I believe that I can’t help but think that she still has feelings for me. A couple of days ago she even told me she still has hope for us, but apparently she changed her mind (but if the feelings were there, they don’t just disappear, right?). I think she’s just afraid of being hurt again and since she found someone else, regardless of age, she feels there is a reason not to get back together with me. Basically when it comes down to it, I don’t want to lose her but I don’t know what to think of the situation. After two years, I still have the same feelings for her from the moment I told her I loved her for the first time, and seeing her smile makes it all worth while. I’m completely in love with this girl and I’d do anything for her, and to be with her again, though it seems as if doing something is what she doesn’t want. I’m realistic in knowing that life does go on, but knowing how much she means to me, and thinking about missing out on the life we planned together just seems devastating to me. I don’t know what to do or think, and not talking to her for a while isn’t an option because I promised her I’d always be there for her and I’m not breaking that promise. She means the world to me and I’m not ceasing contact just to get her to miss me, or to get over her, because knowing I’m not there if she needs me would kill me. Shes going through a lot right now with school (biochemistry, hard stuff) and shes stressed to hell, and if I ignore her for a while at this point I dont feel I deserve her time. So I’m not sure what I should do. I don’t want to stop talking to her, and I don’t know what my expectation of the future should be. The girl is beautiful (I mean on the inside as well as the out) and has the coolest personality of anyone I’ve ever known, we’ve always gotten along so well. We have everything in common! We’ve been through so much and I know we could get through anything if she believes that I am truly the person I was when she met me (minus pills 'n such). I cant say how sorry I am for the pain I’ve put her through, but as much as I tried I couldn’t help it as I’ve been a little messed up for a long time, and I’m just glad I was able to overcome it. She'd even tell me all the time that she wanted to be with me always, I think she just got a little fed up of waiting for a more 'normal' boyfriend. Any advice on what I should think? Am I setting my expectations too high or is there a chance that we may work once again? I know she found someone but the idea of them together just seems a little far fetched. I love her to death and I want to make things right! This is eating me up. Any advice would be awesome. Thanks!
Author pnx88 Posted September 15, 2007 Author Posted September 15, 2007 I also forgot to mention that she still wants to go out to dinner and celebrate our anniversary this coming Wednesday. I just spoke to her a few minutes ago to say goodnight, and asked her why we cant talk like we used to (dumb question) and she told me its cause shes trying to make me into a friend, that im not her boyfriend anymore (obvious answer). The problem is, shes still treating me as one, at least by the way she acts toward me, especially today (kept kissing me on my face, everywhere but my lips). She compared our relationship to the song "Slow Dancing In A Burning Room" by John Mayer. After I listened to it I broke down because of how much I felt it was true. I want to make that feeling go away and fix this. I know it doesn't seem like the most possible solution, but I can't help it if it's the one I want. I know its a pretty long post, but... does anyone have anything? I dont want to be living off of false hope but its all I can do with they way I feel right now, hoping that my hopes aren't as false as they may be.
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