So what would you do or think?

[Javelin]

Lets say your S.O. was considering going away on a free, 'religious trip' without you, during the Holiday season.

 

How would you feel about that, knowing she wasn't at all into her religion?

 

Now lets say your S.O. was considering this trip even though she knows you'd want to spend those days with her, but her compromise was to spend the days before or after the trip?

 

(Considering it's obviously not the same feeling, 10-days before or after the holidays.)

 

Would you be ok with their compromise?

 

Finally, let's say you brought up the topic today, months before the decision and you even gave your feelings and she completely blew them off by saying, " I don't know what I'm doing yet!" Also adding, " We'll have this conversation, when I decide I'm going!"

 

How would that make you feel? Wouldn't it be pointless to talk about it with an indefinite yes?

 

Please be honest, I'm very curious about the subject.

[StaringContest]

What exactly does 'religious trip' mean? Did you quote it because you don't think it's a religious trip she's going on? I'm confused about the quotes.

 

You've left off a lot of important details here.

 

Is religion important to her? Are members of her family or close friends going? Is some guy going that you suspect is the real reason she wants to go? Who else is going?

 

Why is it so important to you that she spend that exact day with you? If my SO were going on a trip that happened to fall on a holiday, I think I'd be okay with just celebrating the days before and letting her enjoy her trip... unless I suspected she had an alternative motive for wanting to go (like hooking up with another guy) or I thought she was pulling away.

[Javelin]

What exactly does 'religious trip' mean? Did you quote it because you don't think it's a religious trip she's going on? I'm confused about the quotes.

 

It's a trip called Birthrite or Birthright, for young Jewish adults to visit Israel for 10-days.

 

You've left off a lot of important details here.

 

Is religion important to her?

 

No, she's celebrated Christmas and just about everything assiosated with it all her life. She does not attend temple, she does not stick to Jewish traditions and neither do her family members. As a matter of fact, her Brother (whom she does not get along with) is no longer Jewish... He's now Atheist, but that's a different story.

 

Her religion is about important to her as a pinched blade of grass in my opinion, and I'm not trying to sound harsh.

 

Are members of her family or close friends going? Is some guy going that you suspect is the real reason she wants to go? Who else is going?

 

No members of her family are going, she only has 1 or 2 Jewish friends and neither of them would probably go.

 

Why is it so important to you that she spend that exact day with you? If my SO were going on a trip that happened to fall on a holiday, I think I'd be okay with just celebrating the days before and letting her enjoy her trip... unless I suspected she had an alternative motive for wanting to go (like hooking up with another guy) or I thought she was pulling away.

 

With the words, "I think" even you're not so sure that you'd be okay with your SO leaving on a very family oriented time of the year!

 

Anymore questions you'd like answered?

[popey]

alot of variables here, not all clear. but with what you said:

 

1. I am a resigned atheist with a religious background, and I find religous history very interesting.

 

2. There is alot about my family's cultural background that i find silly. This truth did not change my desire, enthusiasm, nor my (beyond expectation) enjoyment to travel across the ocean to go see it, experience it, and learn more about it.

 

3. When I did go on this experience, I wanted to and did, bring my SO; however, he and I both enjoy to go on little gettaways with our friends, leaving the other behind. I KNOW for me this is purely about getting away with friends; I believe the same is true of him.

 

4. Your feelings about her choice should matter to her. Perhaps she feels that if she wants to do this, and has no ill intentions, then her choice- should simply be her choice. Not sure If she is being selfish by not caring to discuss your feelings, or if she has enough past experience to know that it is at the point where she knows she simply needs to make a decision for herself and hope that you can understand that this is the level of freedom she needs, and no talk will get you there until you understand that she's just going to do it.

 

Sorry if this doesn't offer you much direction. Just know that when I'm struggling over something, sometimes it helps me to hear other perspectives.

[Trialbyfire]

I think you shouldn't be trying to dissuade her, to go on this trip.

 

I would have no problems if anyone I were together with, wanted to take such a wonderful trip. It's an opportunity to see an amazing part of the world, where she might not have the same opportunity at another time in her life.

 

Let her go.

[Javelin]

I thank you all for replying, and keep more coming!

 

I think you shouldn't be trying to dissuade her, to go on this trip.

 

I would have no problems if anyone I were together with, wanted to take such a wonderful trip. It's an opportunity to see an amazing part of the world, where she might not have the same opportunity at another time in her life.

 

Let her go.

 

You know this same issue came up not 1 month ago with some crazy stardom dream and American Idol auditions! At the time she was willing to sacrifice everything including the relationship which has been rocky for months, her job that she's barely able to maintain, and anyone that cared about her to go. I even canceled on my friends out-of-state to go with her; even though I didn't end up going on either trips because of family issues. She then asked me to take time off a job I just started 3-days prior to goto ANOTHER idol audition. Which I just could not do...

 

I just don't feel as though this trip is out of reach if she doesn't go (this year). I even told her, we could plan it if she wanted, when its a little more peaceful over there in these harsh times.

 

I just feel as though when she asks of something from me, like to cancel my plans to see my friends out of state, to go with her after having an argument that American Idol means more to her than our relationship. I don't feel like I'm getting the same compromise in return, you know?

 

I have dreams that I'd like to follow, but I'm the type of person that would want to share some of them with my SO you know? I'd hate to leave her out of an interesting vacation across the globe, but I'm guessing it doesn't matter with her.

 

Lotta, 'Is' in there...

[amber1]

Do you think that maybe she is somehow wanting to get back into her religious beliefs? Maybe she doesn't want to talk about it because it is personal?

[oppath]

I thank you all for replying, and keep more coming!

 

 

 

You know this same issue came up not 1 month ago with some crazy stardom dream and American Idol auditions! At the time she was willing to sacrifice everything including the relationship which has been rocky for months, her job that she's barely able to maintain, and anyone that cared about her to go. I even canceled on my friends out-of-state to go with her; even though I didn't end up going on either trips because of family issues. She then asked me to take time off a job I just started 3-days prior to goto ANOTHER idol audition. Which I just could not do...

 

I just don't feel as though this trip is out of reach if she doesn't go (this year). I even told her, we could plan it if she wanted, when its a little more peaceful over there in these harsh times.

 

I just feel as though when she asks of something from me, like to cancel my plans to see my friends out of state, to go with her after having an argument that American Idol means more to her than our relationship. I don't feel like I'm getting the same compromise in return, you know?

 

I have dreams that I'd like to follow, but I'm the type of person that would want to share some of them with my SO you know? I'd hate to leave her out of an interesting vacation across the globe, but I'm guessing it doesn't matter with her.

 

Lotta, 'Is' in there...

 

It seems to me that you feel you've made a lot of sacrifices for her and are making her a priority, but you aren't confident she is doing the same for you. Is that the real issue? Are you concerned her taking this trip is a sign you aren't a priority for her, and you are simply seeking reassurance from her that you are?

[StaringContest]

It's a trip called Birthrite or Birthright, for young Jewish adults to visit Israel for 10-days.

 

That sounds like a great opportunity whether you're religious or not.

 

With the words, "I think" even you're not so sure that you'd be okay with your SO leaving on a very family oriented time of the year!

I said "I think" because don't think anybody can be certain how they'd act in a completely hypothetical situation.

 

If I did have a problem with it, it'd probably stem from my own insecurity. Maybe this is a better way to put it: I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where I had a problem with it or where my SO would have a problem with me doing it, unless there was a valid reason to be bothered.

 

Sorry, but I don't think you have a valid reason here. Relationships should be about growing and wanting what's best for the other person. I think it would be a shame for you to hold her back from this opportunity.

 

But I don't think you and I have the same philosophy of relationships. Mine is that you should pursue your dreams and if your relationship fits into those dreams, then it's right for you. If you have to work around or sacrifice your goals and dreams for the sake of the relationship, you're not right for each other. If I want to take a vacation and my SO can go, great. If not, then it's disappointing, but I wouldn't let that stop me.

 

Seems your gf might have the same type of philosophy, and if that keeps causing conflicts, then maybe you're not right for each other.

 

Just curious, but when you're not able to go with her to things like the auditions, does she get angry at you or is she ok with it? If she's angry, that's a little selfish. If she's ok with it, she's probably just trying to include you. Maybe you should focus a little more on yourself too and it wouldn't bother you so much when she's focused on herself.

[Trialbyfire]

You know this same issue came up not 1 month ago with some crazy stardom dream and American Idol auditions! At the time she was willing to sacrifice everything including the relationship which has been rocky for months, her job that she's barely able to maintain, and anyone that cared about her to go. I even canceled on my friends out-of-state to go with her; even though I didn't end up going on either trips because of family issues. She then asked me to take time off a job I just started 3-days prior to goto ANOTHER idol audition. Which I just could not do...

 

I just don't feel as though this trip is out of reach if she doesn't go (this year). I even told her, we could plan it if she wanted, when its a little more peaceful over there in these harsh times.

 

I just feel as though when she asks of something from me, like to cancel my plans to see my friends out of state, to go with her after having an argument that American Idol means more to her than our relationship. I don't feel like I'm getting the same compromise in return, you know?

 

I have dreams that I'd like to follow, but I'm the type of person that would want to share some of them with my SO you know? I'd hate to leave her out of an interesting vacation across the globe, but I'm guessing it doesn't matter with her.

 

Lotta, 'Is' in there...

I do hear what you're saying. She sounds a little self-centered.

 

The only problem is when someone has dreams, whether it's stardom, a major trip, or a incredible career opportunity, if one partner tries to hold the other back, it can build some deep resentments.

[StaringContest]

Another question. Did she ask you to cancel your plans with your friends or did she just ask you to go with her to the audition and you canceled the plans on your own?

[Trialbyfire]

Haha...I just saw Staringcontest's post. Looks like I just repeated something similar to what he said.

[StaringContest]

Haha...I just saw Staringcontest's post. Looks like I just repeated something similar to what he said.

 

Great minds and all that, ya know...

[Javelin]

Thanks again for the replies, you all helped a ton! More are always welcomed too!

 

It seems to me that you feel you've made a lot of sacrifices for her and are making her a priority, but you aren't confident she is doing the same for you. Is that the real issue? Are you concerned her taking this trip is a sign you aren't a priority for her, and you are simply seeking reassurance from her that you are?

 

Yes, pretty much... I'm almost to the point where in her world this is the order of importance...

1) Herself

2) Her friends.

3) Her Family

4) Me.

 

In terms of my world, I put her wants and needs before my own. This is what's bothering me and I think she's really taking advantage of that.

 

 

I don't think you and I have the same philosophy of relationships. Mine is that you should pursue your dreams and if your relationship fits into those dreams, then its right for you. If you have to work around or sacrifice your goals and dreams for the sake of the relationship, you're not right for each other. If I want to take a vacation and my SO can go, great. If not, then it's disappointing, but I wouldn't let that stop me.

Seems your gf might have the same type of philosophy, and if that keeps causing conflicts, then maybe you're not right for each other.

 

You maybe right, perhaps we are too different to make this work and I’m not going to lie, I’m getting kind of fed-up with her decisions.

 

Just curious, but when you're not able to go with her to things like the auditions, does she get angry at you or is she ok with it? If she's angry, that's a little selfish. If she's ok with it, she's probably just trying to include you. Maybe you should focus a little more on yourself too and it wouldn't bother you so much when she's focused on herself.

 

She gets very angry.

 

At the time of the audition, she basically wanted me to choose her over my family and after the speech she gave me the prior week about how important the auditions were, I damn sure was not going to step on family toes for someone like that.

 

I was thinking about focusing more time to myself from now on, possibly put her on the back burner for once. We actually are planning a trip in the next few weeks, but I decided to use my part of the money on a part I really wanted for my car and as bad as that may sound, why shouldn’t I do things for myself? Why should I put my hobbies and dreams on hold, to take her to new places; when she's always ready to leave me behind!

 

And yes she (and her mom) did ask me to cancel. I had my trip planned a month in advance!

 

I do hear what you're saying. She sounds a little self-centered.

The only problem is when someone has dreams, whether it's stardom, a major trip, or a incredible career opportunity, if one partner tries to hold the other back, it can build some deep resentments.

 

You’re very right and its happening on both ends. More on my end though!!

 

I've decided, I’m going to take a risk and use a bit of fire.

 

I’m going to back away a bit and focus on my own priorities for a change; rather than focus entirely on her. Again, playing with fire, but it could be effective. Perhaps it may work in my favor and she’ll see the light. However it may backfire, and I'm ready for the consequences! Either way there's a 50/50 chance and if it doesn’t work then we’ll probably end up breaking up within the next month or so.

[StaringContest]

Your girl's being 100% selfish. I'm ok with a girl doing her thing and letting me do my thing. but it's not fair that she puts herself first and expects you to put her first too.

 

I like your plan for this, Javelin. Good luck, man.