TigerLilly Posted September 14, 2007 Posted September 14, 2007 For about 9 months, I've been seeing a man who has been married for 12 years. No kids. He and his wife separated 3 years ago and were divorced 2 years ago. She had walked out on him - twice. The marriage was not a good one, and he knew he didn't want children with her, but he was willing to stick it out because he took his vows seriously. However, he learned that she slept with an old boyfriend the second time she walked out, and he called it quits. They didn't speak for a year. He dated a couple women right after his separation and divorce and calls them his rebound relationships. I met him about 1-1/2 years ago, but we didn't start a relationship until 9 months ago. Right from the start, we've been serious. He told me he loved me on our second night together which wasn't a surprise because we had already developed such an incredible relationship. He is considerate, kind, and moral, and we would like to spend the rest of our lives together. But...there is just one problem. He still wears his old wedding band - not on his left hand, but on his right. When I first met him, when we were just acquaintances, he referred to his "ex-wife" as his "wife." He still references her almost daily. Things like..."when the ex and I went to..." I've since learned that he still sees her on occasion - perhaps once every two weeks or so. He doesn't volunteer the information but if asked, will tell me. They go grocery and mall shopping together, perhaps a movie here and there. Daytime outings only from what I can gather. He told me that she had developed a prescription drug problem years ago and had been a mess. Apparently, she still has alot of problems although she's cut back on the drugs. She's smart and working to get her life together. He says she's never happy. She has no friends and isn't willing to make any new ones. And her family has cut ties. He also says he doesn't love her and would never get back together with her. However, about a year ago (before we started seeing one another) he did sleep with her even though he says it was physical only. She, on the other hand, would like to get back together. I've hinted in the past that the ring bothers me (actually it makes me angry) as well as the constant references. He apologizes for being insensitive, but his behavior doesn't change and the ring is still on his finger. I am afraid this woman will always be in his life - our life - if I don't put my foot down. I don't want to be cruel and I certainly don't want her to be alone. But, I also feel that he's not letting go either. How can she possibly move on and grow if he's still there to help her? Is he still mourning the marriage? Is he just not ready to cut that final emotional tie? I ask him this and he says he understands my concern, but nothing ever changes. Is it too early to be putting my foot down?
Cad Rake Posted September 14, 2007 Posted September 14, 2007 I am afraid this woman will always be in his life - our life - if I don't put my foot down. Honey, "putting your foot down" will do one thing alone: make him start lying about seeing his ex-wife. There's nothing you can do to change his feelings about her. He is obviously still into her. You can put up with that, or you can leave. Those are the only choices you have.
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