Aarrgghh I Broke No Contact

[Curious139]

A confession. I've advised many people here to go NC because I believe it is generally the best therapy. However there are always exceptions.

 

The woman I love lives in Australia and we have been friends for 25 years - we recently had a wonderful affair - but I lost her 2 1/2 months ago which has been deeply traumatic.

 

We used to email on Fridays. After the breakup there was silence because I knew I shouldn't bother her.

 

Surprisingly I received an email a month ago which was chatty but nothing personal. I sent one a fortnight ago and got a pleasant reply.

 

So today I sent another - just chat - and immediately received an auto-reply saying she had taken a few days off work....... Now my brain is jumping around imagining her with her new man having a wonderful time somewhere - maybe a holiday, who knows - and I'm devastated.

 

Why do we set ourselves up for this?? Damn I'm sad, just when I was beginning to fel better.

[SoHotZanzibar]

Don't beat yourself up. You are human.

(plus you don't see many threads with the word 'fortnight' in it)

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

Ay, I'm so tempted to contact my ex right now as well...so tempted that honestly, I feel sick. I feel sick because I know if I do, I'll feel so much worse. Best of luck with your situation. I really know how hard this is...it sucks. =(

[Phumfeinz]

It happens, mate.

 

It happened to me just last week, as a matter of fact. Had gone 3 weeks without talking to her, and decided to take her off block on msn. Straight away I get a message from her 'I miss you, been thinking about you' etc.

 

Now I can't stop thinking about her again.

 

You're going to have hiccups, it's normal. I'm going to try for NC again, hopefully I'll last longer than 3 weeks this time.

[Curious139]

Thanks for the support Phum, I guess we all fall down at times. I still haven't had a reply but have realised that it is school holidays and she is away with her children. Nevertheless I jump every time an email comes arrives in case it is from her.......

[Curious139]

And I finally received a reply - after 5 days. As you might guess I'm in despair and have gone backwards in my recovery. The reply from my ex was chatty but cool - essentially I get the impression she had to make an effort.

 

Honestly I just don't understand. We've cared about each other from a distance for 25 years, had a wonderful passionate affair...............and now it feels like she doesn't care about me in the slightest. She said I was the one for her, we had chemistry etc but now it seems to have all evaporated.

 

I can't come to terms with someone who deeply loved me being able to turn off that love so completely. She has a new man and I do understand that occupies her thoughts but I feel so discarded, so irrelevant. If the position were reversed I'd still be compassionate and kind to her.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

Well, Curious139...you lived upto your name, got curious, and contacted her.

 

What she wants is apparent from the way she replied, isn't it?

 

It's easy to fall in love with a fantasy. We're extremely good at tricking our own minds. You know all that jazz.

 

But like Zanzibar said, you're only human. It happens. You fall, you hurt, you get up and dust yourself off. And learn from it.

 

It's very important to understand when you're not needed. If you still go ahead and present yourself where unnecessary, you can't always expect kindness and compassion.

 

Don't measure your life with her actions. Separate the two.

 

And don't fret over this too much - it's allright, it was a slip-up, and in a way, it was a good reminder to you to stick to NC.

[Grace112]

I can't come to terms with someone who deeply loved me being able to turn off that love so completely. She has a new man and I do understand that occupies her thoughts but I feel so discarded, so irrelevant. If the position were reversed I'd still be compassionate and kind to her.

 

Curious, I totally understand the sentiment and sympathize. I know I rationalize in the same manner and it does nothing but hurt.

 

I wish you luck in sticking to your NC. It's good advice that you give everyone - hopefully it'll ease some of your pain as well.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

And I finally received a reply - after 5 days. As you might guess I'm in despair and have gone backwards in my recovery. The reply from my ex was chatty but cool - essentially I get the impression she had to make an effort.

 

Honestly I just don't understand. We've cared about each other from a distance for 25 years, had a wonderful passionate affair...............and now it feels like she doesn't care about me in the slightest. She said I was the one for her, we had chemistry etc but now it seems to have all evaporated.

 

I can't come to terms with someone who deeply loved me being able to turn off that love so completely. She has a new man and I do understand that occupies her thoughts but I feel so discarded, so irrelevant. If the position were reversed I'd still be compassionate and kind to her.

 

Don't get me wrong in the previous post. I've been following your story since you posted on a similar-situation thread, and I understand your point.

 

I guess I was attempting you make you see that it was just a slip-up. And yet, not so inconsequential after all. It brought you back to the stage of "Oh god, she does not like me any more".

 

Think about it. By contacting her, the only person who was adversely affected was you. Keep that in mind.

 

But at the same time, don't let your spirits go down because of one incident. So you did it. Big deal. Forget about it, and instead focus on things that will help you make the situation better.

 

Here's a to tide you over to better times.

[Sand&Water]

RE:

 

Right now, Curious139, she may seem uncaring and cold towards you but believe that a woman just doesn't turn off that love switch very easily. I bet you that she is trying hard to be unloving and isolated from you because she knows it is for the better -and well being of you and her as a whole.

 

You may think it is absurd for someone to disconnect after 25 years but however, for a handful of women and your woman may be included in this group, don't completely establish a personal relationship given the immense distance. Thus, for her, it probably wasn't personal enough of a love connection that it would have tore her life apart and caused her to go into a depressive state because she lost you.

 

On the other hand, there are those women that find the closest and nearest man available to them and use him to replace that loved one they lost from a break-up. She may be using this new man to replace you, temporarily, so as to alleviate the pain and hopefully and slowly move on on her own.

 

The three paragraphs above are only my opinion, and it may not be entirely true of your situation. Take it with a grain of salt.

 

What should you do? You should start socializing. Yes. Socialize, more and more. Find new friends -both female and male -and if applicable, arrange a little vacation of your own. That way you are able to clear your head and start to make changes -live your life!

 

Sand&Water

[Curious139]

Thanks for the support everyone. I haven't asked for help much on LS, guess I don't want to be pitful.......instead I like helping others, it is therapeutic.

 

Here is my take on things: my ex is a tall slim attractive 47yr old woman who looks much younger. She is vivacious and intelligent (scientist) creative and shy although that isn't obvious on the outside.

 

She has had two relationships in her life. Firstly me at university for 2 1/2 years, then her husband for 22 years. I came back into her life after she had separated and we realised we'd yearned for each other for a long long time. But I was (am) unhappily married, nevertheless to a wonderful woman. 3 children.

 

I hesitated about the commitment, mainly to let my wife come to separation with dignity rather than because of "the other woman". It was too late - my love lost hope and found someone else.

 

I don't believe we turn love on and off so I find it hard to think she can do this. I suspect that her new boyfriend is a person who treats her well and she'd be open to anyone like that.

 

I think she has told herself to forget me and been supported by good friends in that. Perfectly reasonable. But forgetting someone who loves her, after 25 years, seems a huge and cold step. I doubt it is that easy.

 

The problem for me is that I could be totally wrong. Even writing the above words makes hope spring to life in my heart. Instead she might be head over heels with this man and really not care about me at all. So I mustn't delude myself - or at least try not to. Damn it is hard.

 

What I want to do is let her know from time to time that I'm still here, still love her, and am available. That goes against all the normal strategies - but it is honest.

 

Any more thoughts?

[Spinderella]

What I want to do is let her know from time to time that I'm still here, still love her, and am available. That goes against all the normal strategies - but it is honest.

 

Any more thoughts?

 

yes. you are NOT available.

 

she did what she had to, obviously.

 

i am not having a go at you, but, how can anyone possibly take you seriously if you are still married?

you have had 25 years to think about this. even if you were not romantically involved yet, it sounds as though there was some emotional stuff going on there.

 

also, even if you told her you wanted to leave your wife for her, that is quite a lot of pressure to put onto a new relationship and to her. surely this makes sense?

 

if you want to leave your wife then leave her, but be brave enough to do so without having someone waiting to save you from it. this makes you far more of a respectable person to enter into a real relationship, and only then can anybody else take you seriously.

[Curious139]

yes. you are NOT available.

 

she did what she had to, obviously.

 

i am not having a go at you, but, how can anyone possibly take you seriously if you are still married?

 

 

if you want to leave your wife then leave her, but be brave enough to do so without having someone waiting to save you from it. this makes you far more of a respectable person to enter into a real relationship, and only then can anybody else take you seriously.

 

That is well said but our relationship went way beyond long distance yearning. We were together three times and it was right. I told my wife at an early stage.

 

Yes in hindsight I should have left. Believe me I'm not a person to have an affair - this was the only woman whom this could ever have happened with and only because I thought our marriage was finished.

 

This has caused a great deal of anguish and moral turmoil - and hurt my wife in the most terrible way. I don't think we can stay together in the longer term but I wanted us to separate on equal terms instead of imposing it on her. My love knew that but it took too long and she was lonely. I understand that, I don't blame her. I just don't understand why she has become cold and distant when initially she was kind after the breakup.

 

In her own words afterwards, our love was strong and real. How can she just turn it off.........?

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

In her own words afterwards, our love was strong and real. How can she just turn it off.........?

 

I think she has moved on.

 

It may be hard for you to believe, but I think that is what has happened.

 

And that's what you should be doing too.

 

Go by her actions, instead of just her words. If there was real love as you say, there was no reason for her to have backed out at the last moment. I don't think she had to wait "too long" - she probably backed out because she didn't think it was a good idea.

 

Are you sure you are looking at this entire thing from the right perspective?

 

Personally, I think you're still so impressed by her that you're not seeing the facts that are out there in the open. You're STILL living in a world of fantasy. It's becoming increasingly one-sided, and you are not willing to recognize that.

 

Personally, I think there could be no atonement for the situation that you put your wife in. But you could at least try to make it up to her.

[Spinderella]

Why dont you just ASK her.

I agree I think she decided it was a bad idea. Relationships are hard enough without adding to the complications by being married to someone else when you begin them!

She may be thinking all kinds of things. Probably she thinks you were making excuses and wanting to keep both relationships going. Married men in affairs dont have a good reputation for being honest and above board. I dont think you have helped to give her a different view of you by staying with your wife and beginning the relationship wth her when still being married.

She probably regrets what she did, and is trying to move on.

It may be time to start thinking about your other relationship.

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

Curious,

 

I'm sorry that you're having such a hard time but I agree with Spinderella. It's time to move on. I wonder why you got married to begin with if you were always so in love with this other woman. I think you're wrapped up in this fantasy and if you were living your day to day life with this other woman, you wouldn't be as "in love" with her as you imagine yourself to be now. That's generally how it seems to work. It seems like just a fantasy. Even when you were having your affair, you weren't with this woman 24/7 as you are with your wife. The affair couldn't have been that wonderful if all the while you were cheating on your wife.

[Curious139]

I accept criticism for having an affair - but that is something I never thought would happen. My feelings for my old g/f were suppressed for many years because we were both married. It was only when she was free and we met that all the feelings came back like a bolt from the blue.

 

If my wife and I had been happy, those feelings would never have arisen or gained hold.

 

I hesitated about separating because I care deeply for my wife. Yes I should have taken the hard decision - I know that now but it is all too late for the woman I love. From her perspective I couldn't leave my wife so she looked elsewhere. I understand that even though it leaves me in despair.

 

What I'm struggling with is that the woman I love and who thought about me for 25 years seems to have moved on so easily. Most people don't forget love and she knows I'm still in an unhappy situation.

 

Look - it is all my own fault, I could have been with her. But there are days when I want to stop living. In truth I'm having a bout of serious depression right now, the weekends are the hardest.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

Curious, it's only been a couple of months since your ex changed her attitude and everything fell apart, so I certainly understand your state of mind right now.

 

But really, this discussion about "how could she stop loving you" could go on and on. The only real answer is, "because she can". People CAN and DO stop loving another. It's a fact. Love does not come with a guarantee that it will last forever. If it does, then well and good. But sometimes it doesn't.

 

 

The bottomline is that you need to climb out of this pit of constant wondering and second-guessing, and feeling all the worse for it. Yes, weekends are definitely tough. But hey..you have your kids, you can spend time with them. I don't know if you're still in the same house as your wife - but you could try rebuilding that relationship if you want.

 

Most of all, it's your willingness to overcome this that will influence how soon you will get better. If you adamantly remain caught up with your ex, then it will be a slow, tortuous path to recovery.

 

We only have one life to live, Curious. Don't waste yours like this. There are probably much better things in store for you, if only you move forward.

[Curious139]

Thanks TTSP, I appreciate your advice. I've gone backwards because I broke NC so it is a matter of getting through this low point and getting better. My children do help and my wife and I are still together - she has been absolutely wonderful given the circumstances.

 

I've only started two threads on LS about myself, preferring to contribute to others and help where I can. But this thread is a cry for help and compassion, because I'm still deeply hurt and bewildered.

 

I know it is all my own fault and part of the pain is self-loathing. Forgiving myself hasn't happened yet. I do want to let it fade because it has to.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

The bigger and more radical the moves for the sake of the relationship, the more it hurts when it doesn't work out. I completely understand feeling betrayed, hurt, and lost. But, there's no need for self-loathing. It won't get you anywhere. The better thing to do is to admit that you made a mistake, and made a mistake again by contacting her...and learn from it.