I think I need to refer my friend to a therapist because I'm done

[DateAnalyzer]

It's just gotten to the point where I want to stop talking to her because she is not fun to talk to anymore because of some stupid guy who has no interest in her. All these guys in this big city and she is laying her bed at night in the dark at 7pm??? She needs hobbies and need to date more than one guy because i can see myself not being available for a long time. Is there any woman on this site that would not LIVE LIFE because of someone who doesn't want them???

 

 

Look at me, I have every reason in the world to take a swim in the delaware river but I have HOBBIES and can seperate myself from my dating problems like when it comes to sports, reading, tv watching, safeplay. She acts like she is 27 going on 13. And I can feel myself ending the friendship soon because it's just ridiculous

[Kasan]

This is friendship, supporting your friends through the good and bad, just like they do you. Yes, we all get annoying at times, but that is why we have friends.

 

Or, you can limit the talks to half-time.

[DateAnalyzer]

This is friendship, supporting your friends through the good and bad, just like they do you. Yes, we all get annoying at times, but that is why we have friends.

 

Or, you can limit the talks to half-time.

 

 

But if the friend is not doing anything to help herself feel better then what the hell am I supposed to do? I don't play the therapist role, never did. Now if she wanted to VENT about something then yeah but not-"I'm going to bed at 7pm because I don;t have a man. And I will admit it HURTS when you want someone and they don;t want you back because you can't stop living and doing the things you like, u just have to get your mind off of it and meet new people. Not lay in the bed in your underwear and cry yourself to sleep while he is making out with another girl

[laRubiaBonita]

It's just gotten to the point where I want to stop talking to her because she is not fun to talk to anymore because of some stupid guy who has no interest in her. All these guys in this big city and she is laying her bed at night in the dark at 7pm??? She needs hobbies and need to date more than one guy because i can see myself not being available for a long time. Is there any woman on this site that would not LIVE LIFE because of someone who doesn't want them???

 

 

Look at me, I have every reason in the world to take a swim in the delaware river but I have HOBBIES and can seperate myself from my dating problems like when it comes to sports, reading, tv watching, safeplay. She acts like she is 27 going on 13. And I can feel myself ending the friendship soon because it's just ridiculous

 

well, it sounds like the pot calling the kettle black to me......

[sweetbutcheeky]

You obviously don't know how a friend is supposed to act and how to be there. The point is it just doesn't matter what she is doing or feeling, a true friend will be there to help her through it even if all you can do it listen. Your going to be frustrated about what she does, doesn't do and so on but you don't leave them because of it (if your a true friend).

 

She doesn't need you in her life if your bored or tired about hearing about her problems, your not really a friend to her if you feel that way.

[DateAnalyzer]

You obviously don't know how a friend is supposed to act and how to be there. The point is it just doesn't matter what she is doing or feeling, a true friend will be there to help her through it even if all you can do it listen. Your going to be frustrated about what she does, doesn't do and so on but you don't leave them because of it (if your a true friend).

 

She doesn't need you in her life if your bored or tired about hearing about her problems, your not really a friend to her if you feel that way.

 

 

I told her to come to this site, she didn't want to do that

I suggested she get hobbies, she didn;t want to do that

I told her to date more than one guy, she didn't want to do that

I told her to check outthe new fall shows, she didn't want to do that

 

 

 

So I'm done, nothing else more for to say.

[sweetbutcheeky]

I told her to come to this site, she didn't want to do that

I suggested she get hobbies, she didn;t want to do that

I told her to date more than one guy, she didn't want to do that

I told her to check outthe new fall shows, she didn't want to do that

 

So I'm done, nothing else more for to say.

 

You put what I said in quotes in your response but did you actually read it? because you obviously missed the point!

 

So what if she doesn't want to do what you suggested?! So since she doesn't want to take your advise your giving up on her? That's not what a real friend does, even if there is nothing that you can do or say to help her being there to listen or as a shoulder to cry on is what a friend does.

 

If you don't get it then she doesn't need you in her life anyway.

[DateAnalyzer]

You put what I said in quotes in your response but did you actually read it? because you obviously missed the point!

 

So what if she doesn't want to do what you suggested?! So since she doesn't want to take your advise your giving up on her? That's not what a real friend does, even if there is nothing that you can do or say to help her being there to listen or as a shoulder to cry on is what a friend does.

 

If you don't get it then she doesn't need you in her life anyway.

 

 

I don't think no one wants to hear some complain if they are not doing anything to change their life around

[Trialbyfire]

DA, this is a serious consideration for you. Have you considered therapy for yourself? It might help you realize that life isn't always "all about you".

[sweetbutcheeky]

I don't think no one wants to hear some complain if they are not doing anything to change their life around

 

Ever feel like your talking to a brick wall? Like what TBF said, the point is it's not about YOU! It's about HER! You being there for her no matter what she said or does (or doesn't do).

[redfathom]

I have to defend DA, I had a friend very similar and she just sucked all the energy out of me (I posted on here about it). When we met, she started to day my BIL which they did for four months, my H and I were having problems, we seperated and had been together for 9.5 years. But the whole time I was going through that she wanted to talk about her and how she could fix her relationship, etc. It was exhausting me so I started tpo avoid her. I just ended the friendship about a month ago.

 

I am not sure how long you too have been friends, but maybe you should tell her that you can't spen all your time trying to help her, she does NEED to help herself. I am not sure if your friend helps you out, if she does then she is worth keeping.

 

My friend was the same, I would support her and tell her the things she needed to hear but it did not matter and she only thought about herself, but not about fixing herself or her life but about dwelling on it. Basically she NEEDED a crisis in her life.

 

Good luck. But I would be honest with her, if you are truly friends she will understand.

[DateAnalyzer]

I have to defend DA, I had a friend very similar and she just sucked all the energy out of me (I posted on here about it). When we met, she started to day my BIL which they did for four months, my H and I were having problems, we seperated and had been together for 9.5 years. But the whole time I was going through that she wanted to talk about her and how she could fix her relationship, etc. It was exhausting me so I started tpo avoid her. I just ended the friendship about a month ago.

 

I am not sure how long you too have been friends, but maybe you should tell her that you can't spen all your time trying to help her, she does NEED to help herself. I am not sure if your friend helps you out, if she does then she is worth keeping.

 

My friend was the same, I would support her and tell her the things she needed to hear but it did not matter and she only thought about herself, but not about fixing herself or her life but about dwelling on it. Basically she NEEDED a crisis in her life.

 

Good luck. But I would be honest with her, if you are truly friends she will understand.

 

 

 

Thanks for Understanding

[oppath]

This is going to be a bit harsh, and I hope I don't overstep any LS bounds, but DateAnalyzer, I really feel you could benefit from therapy yourself. Many threads you've started have appeared slightly irrational or obsessive and have indicated VERY low dating confidence. I personally feel a couple months in cognitive behavioral therapy would be beneficial to you.

 

Now, I feel most people on this board, me included, could benefit from that, but if I look at a history of the threads you have posted, a lot of the same questions keep popping up:

 

• how to approach women
  
• how to talk to women in public
  
• what does it mean when a woman looks at you in public
  
• what should I say to a woman
  
• what should I not say
  
• is laughing too much bad.

I empathize with your posts because I have been there, but it sounds to me that you have the same problems, and it appears you have not done much about it, because you've made little progress on the cognitive parts of dating and obtaining dating confidence. Sure, you may have hobbies, but it doesn't sound like you are doing much behaviorally to obtain the results you want, and certainly your cognitions are a little distorted when you analyze dating situations. Thus, I'd recommend you too find a therapist, and admit to your friend "you know, I've been in therapy, and it has really changed some things in my life. Have you ever been? It seems like you've been having a tough time lately, and I think it could help you. Would you like the number of my guy?"

[Izzy B]

This is going to be a bit harsh, and I hope I don't overstep any LS bounds, but DateAnalyzer, I really feel you could benefit from therapy yourself. Many threads you've started have appeared slightly irrational or obsessive and have indicated VERY low dating confidence. I personally feel a couple months in cognitive behavioral therapy would be beneficial to you.

 

Now, I feel most people on this board, me included, could benefit from that, but if I look at a history of the threads you have posted, a lot of the same questions keep popping up:

• how to approach women
  
• how to talk to women in public
  
• what does it mean when a woman looks at you in public
  
• what should I say to a woman
  
• what should I not say
  
• is laughing too much bad.

I empathize with your posts because I have been there, but it sounds to me that you have the same problems, and it appears you have not done much about it, because you've made little progress on the cognitive parts of dating and obtaining dating confidence. Sure, you may have hobbies, but it doesn't sound like you are doing much behaviorally to obtain the results you want, and certainly your cognitions are a little distorted when you analyze dating situations. Thus, I'd recommend you too find a therapist, and admit to your friend "you know, I've been in therapy, and it has really changed some things in my life. Have you ever been? It seems like you've been having a tough time lately, and I think it could help you. Would you like the number of my guy?"

 

This is off-topic. You are using it to criticize DA instead of replying to the topic whatsoever, and your criticisms actually have no merit.

[oppath]

Fair enough. I was criticizing the OP. My point is that when I read DateAnalyzer's points, I don't see him doing much to solve his problems, so his complaints about his friend not doing anything seem a little hypocritical, and I do feel he himself could benefit from therapy. Moreover, I feel it is relevant: his friend keeps complaining about the same thing and appears to be irrational. The OP does the same things.

 

I think almost everyone could benefit from therapy, myself included. I certainly rehash the same problems over and over, so I'll throw myself into the "you should consider therapy" camp.

 

If you want to help your friend, suggest she seek therapy. But if your attitude is "I'm sick of this. She needs a therapist because I'm done dealing with her crap. She has no right to complain. I'm in the same situation but at least I'm doing something about it" then I'd suggest you yourself need therapy. That is not a healthy, caring way to think about a friend, even if they are frustrating you. Therapy is an option, and it wouldn't hurt to recommend it to his friend.

 

Here is how to do it: "you know, I care about you a lot, and I see you have been really struggling with these issues. Have you considered seeing a therapist or counselor to help with them? I think it may help you." The care that exists in that statement is absent in the original post.

[shadowplay]

You seem like a very callous person.

[oppath]

But if the friend is not doing anything to help herself feel better then what the hell am I supposed to do? I don't play the therapist role, never did. Now if she wanted to VENT about something then yeah but not-"I'm going to bed at 7pm because I don;t have a man. And I will admit it HURTS when you want someone and they don;t want you back because you can't stop living and doing the things you like, u just have to get your mind off of it and meet new people. Not lay in the bed in your underwear and cry yourself to sleep while he is making out with another girl

 

What exactly is the problem? I'm confused. This is suggesting she does not vent to you or use you as a therapist. You are saying she doesn't vent, she just is depressed and apathetic. So are you upset she is depressed and isn't out living it up, which is what you would do in her situation?

 

Also, the contempt you show in the bold part is really a horrid way to describe a friend. Yes, your words have contempt! If you are truly concerned about your friend, you would be much more compassionate even if frustrated.

 

If you were truly concerned for your friend and wanted them to get therapy, you would say "my friend has been struggling with dating problems and doesn't seem to be doing much about it, and it is starting to take its toll on me too. I think therapy could be good for her. Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can convince her of this? I really want to see her happy and feel it could help."

[DateAnalyzer]

What exactly is the problem? I'm confused. This is suggesting she does not vent to you or use you as a therapist. You are saying she doesn't vent, she just is depressed and apathetic. So are you upset she is depressed and isn't out living it up, which is what you would do in her situation?

 

Also, the contempt you show in the bold part is really a horrid way to describe a friend. Yes, your words have contempt! If you are truly concerned about your friend, you would be much more compassionate even if frustrated.

 

 

I told her that if she wants to talk about job problems, financial problems or family i'm ALL EARS. I don't want to hear about her getting rejected from a guy OVER and OVER and OVER. After a while it just gets annoying and I don't want to hear it

[oppath]

Fair enough, it does suck when that is all someone talks about, and it can be a drag, but why the contempt and angst about it?

 

I would never say to a friend "I'm sick of hearing you complain about this" which is what is sounds like you said to her. A caring approach would be "is there anyone else you can discuss this with? Or have you considered therapy? I feel like it is all we talk about and we need to forge some other bonds."

[BlueEyedGirl]

DA, are you a real person? Are your problems for real? Are you just making all this up for your amusment?

[DateAnalyzer]

DA, are you a real person? Are your problems for real? Are you just making all this up for your amusment?

 

 

Yes they are

[JCD]

It will take time for her to get back on her feet as she is in pain/depressed right now and doesn't have an enthusiasm for all those other things that you want her to partake in. To help her heal faster, I would take her out as a friend so she can forget about him for a day or two. It's worth a shot imo.

[DateAnalyzer]

It will take time for her to get back on her feet as she is in pain/depressed right now and doesn't have an enthusiasm for all those other things that you want her to partake in. To help her heal faster, I would take her out as a friend so she can forget about him for a day or two. It's worth a shot imo.

 

 

Well the only way to get over someone is to STOP TALKNG ABOUT THEM. I don't talk about the girls anymore who rejected me in July because it was no point. I had to deal with it and move on. I talk about it once and that's it. No need to keep beating a dead horse.

[Trialbyfire]

Well the only way to get over someone is to STOP TALKNG ABOUT THEM. I don't talk about the girls anymore who rejected me in July because it was no point. I had to deal with it and move on. I talk about it once and that's it. No need to keep beating a dead horse.

Did you ever date these women at all or dated them only once?

 

Did she have a relationship with this guy?

[DateAnalyzer]

The other thing I forgot to add is I"M Her only friend which is the main reason she needs to change her life. She needs some GIRLFRIENDS, maybe meet some girls at her job or post an ad on Craiglist for a female friend because I'm losing patience