stevessvt Posted September 13, 2007 Posted September 13, 2007 I have been marrried for 16 years. My wife was 19, and I was 21. The latter years, I imagine like most marriages, became stagnant. She had her job, I had mine. Routine was our lifestyle. I tried to be a good husband, but I will admit I have faults. I was not the most helpfull when it came to helping around the house. And when pushed in to an argument, I would end up talking down to my wife. I am not proud of this fact, and have started seeing a therapist for these and a few other faults I have. We have a beautiful 7yo daughter together. I have never cheated on her, I do not drink, I do not smoke, I do not engage in screaming contests with her. I am very laid back. About 6 months ago, we started taking karate together, as we are both somewhat over weight. 3 months ago, she decided enough is enough and left me. A week later she came back. But what I didnt know is during this time she got a loan of $15,000 and gave it to someone. I had a funny feeling about what was going on and checked her email. I know I invaded her privacy, but its how I found out about the loan. I asked her about it, and she denied it, untill the next morning. She told me about it, but wouldnt tell who it was for. She started seeing her own therapist, whom told her over the next weekend to go do something with some friends, but not with me. So she, our karate instructor, and another woman from the karate studio went out. They went bowling untill about 11pm, then he took them to where his girlfriend works, a 'gentlemans' club. Now, I am a guy. Most guys like strip clubs. My wife, on the other hand, would never be cought dead in one. Until he took her. I am not saying she enjoyed it, but the mere fact she would go in the first place..... She got so drunk at this place, she started throwing up all over the place. He had to call her a taxi to take her home. But he didnt take her home, he took her to his house, where she slept that night. And didnt return home until 9am the next day. I dont think anything happened, his g/f was there, too. As you can imagine, I was upset about this when she arrived home, and just wouldnt talk to her. That night we got in to it. A few days later she moved out again. And took our daughter with her to her parents house. A few weeks later she wanted to give this mystery person more money, I said I would think about it, our savings was a meager $6000, and I understand half is hers. She said if I dont give her it its over, we where getting divorced. I told her I wasnt going to be blackmailed and hung the phone up on her. She called back and was all nice, I told her tell me who its for, or no money, she told me it was for Mr. Karate Instructor. So again, trying to be fair, I gave her her half. So she has given this person $18,000. That I know of. During all this she left me with all the bills, which come to just about exactly my monthly pay. I tried to get her to pay for atleast her car payment, but she said she couldnt afford it. living for free at mommy and daddy's. So I had to sell my car (which I was upside down $1200 on and pay for) and take her car so she could buy her own cheap car. Which has freed up about $500/mo for me to live on. Meanwhile I have been so upset about missing my daughter (whom my wife has put in school by her parents, a half hour away) and wife I was put on an anti-depression med. We also had $25,000 available on a home equity account. She wanted it all. Again, trying to be fair, I told her she could have half, but she would have to make the payment on it, as I am completely tapped out. She was suppost to use it to pay off credit cards that where in her name only. Did she? I have no clue. I also stumbled upon the fact that she pulled $10,000+ from her 401K account. Do I think she is having an affair with Mr. Karate? I do not think its physical, but deffinately emotional. They speak to each other many times a day. I have tried EVERYTHING to get her back. Sending flowers. Leaving gummy bears (her favorite) on her car to suprise her at work. Sending e-mail cards from Hallmark. Trying a date night. Through this whole thing she has been completely unresponsive. In the beginning I would try to get her to stay over, just for 1 night to if it could work. No way. She still tells me she loves me, just not in love with me. She keeps saying she doesnt want a divorce. That we need to become friends again, and maybe that will blossom from there. Its been close to 3 months now. I see my daughter Sometimes on Monday nights, Wednesday nights, and Saturday night through Sunday. I miss them so much. Watching them drive away Sunday night just rips me apart. I read in to every little thing that isnt negative as a hopeful sign. But in the end, it usually wrong. I hate being alone so much. Hate isnt strong enough, despise is more like it. But I have been doing it for almost 3 months now. Last week I finally got off my ass and joined both a gym, and a new karate class. I talked her in to seeing a marriage counselor, but last night she admitted she said yes to basically shut me up, and really isnt interested in seeing one. I just want my life back. My wife back. My daughter back.
butterfly37 Posted September 13, 2007 Posted September 13, 2007 I completely understand and feel your pain. I am going on five years into it. It is fairly new to you. If you are open to the wealth of experience and knowlege that is available to you here at LS, we are here to help you. I wish I could tell you that all will turn out as you hope, but I can't. I can tell you however that all will be well. You will get through this and it will make you a stronger, wiser, better man if you let it. Guard your heart and get ready to go into battle. We are standing with you.
Author stevessvt Posted September 13, 2007 Author Posted September 13, 2007 I completely understand and feel your pain. I am going on five years into it. It is fairly new to you. If you are open to the wealth of experience and knowlege that is available to you here at LS, we are here to help you. I wish I could tell you that all will turn out as you hope, but I can't. I can tell you however that all will be well. You will get through this and it will make you a stronger, wiser, better man if you let it. Guard your heart and get ready to go into battle. We are standing with you. Very sweet. Thank you for the warm welcome.
BestAdvisor1 Posted September 13, 2007 Posted September 13, 2007 She gave/loan her instructor, a "friend" she recently know, $18K, while both you and her struggle financially? My guess is it must be more than money she's giving him and vice versa. Doesn't look, sound, smell good at all.
Author stevessvt Posted September 13, 2007 Author Posted September 13, 2007 She gave/loan her instructor, a "friend" she recently know, $18K, while both you and her struggle financially? My guess is it must be more than money she's giving him and vice versa. Doesn't look, sound, smell good at all. I know it sure seems that way. The only reason I am unsure of an actual physical thing going on is because she works very long hours at work (she has for years), and he has a live in g/f. But who knows. She has never been very intested in sex, since day 1 with me, so thats another thing.
Author stevessvt Posted September 13, 2007 Author Posted September 13, 2007 She has also said she is enjoying her new found freedom. Her mom says her father was dominant to her when she was younger. Also one of my problems in the marriage was she was able to cultivate many friends through her work over the years, and would go out once in a while for a 'girls night out'. I work with family, and have has little/no oppertunity to make friends. So I would be jealous of her having friends. I am working on this issue with my therapist also.
Author stevessvt Posted September 13, 2007 Author Posted September 13, 2007 How am I going to go forth with my life without this person whom I have spent almost 1/2 my life with? I never dated very much before her. I kind of lucked out with her. I have always have serious self estime issue's. When we first me, I was bowled over by her. She was so pretty, I thought I hit the jack pot. She is my everything. I cant tell you how many nights I have spent at home just sobbing. My life has been turned completely upside down. I have lost about 25 pounds in the last 2 months. I miss them,.................I just miss them.
Chrome Barracuda Posted September 13, 2007 Posted September 13, 2007 I would sue her for the money, get custody and divorce her. Right now her frame of mind is she doesnt want to be a life. it isnt fair you be punished because of her past issues. Her daddy hurt her, blah, blah, blah. You are not her father!!! Take the bull by the horns and do what must be done! Good luck to you.
Melovator Posted September 13, 2007 Posted September 13, 2007 Your wife is frittering away your family's financial stability and future. See a lawyer now!!! NOW!!! Have you kept a record of these transactions- you don't want to end up with half of a half of nothing. Her threat to divorce you if you didn't allow her to access your family's money for her karate guy is financial abuse. ABUSE!!! You did not 'luck out' when you met this woman no matter what you think- she is clearly controlling and selfish- how you've lucked out is that she took her ass out of the house and you don't have to kick her out. SEE A LAWYER! STOP GIVING HER MONEY! And then watch how fast karate guy cuts her loose. She should not be given any opportunity to use your financial reality to purchase her karate guy fantasies, her emotional issues are her own to deal with do not let them ruin your financial security.
butterfly37 Posted September 13, 2007 Posted September 13, 2007 Man up Steve. If you don't do it now, you'll lose yourself. And you will never have anything to offer your daughter........If you can't do it for yourself, at least think about that little one that competely depends on you. Your wife's behavior is completely unacceptable!
Gunny376 Posted September 14, 2007 Posted September 14, 2007 Time to get it together Steve ~ the wife is playing you like the Devil playing a fiddle on a rock. All this BS about she loves you ~ but she's not in love with you? That she doesn't want a divorce ~ but isn't willing to go to marriage couseling, yet just told you to "humor" you! Its not going? Its gone! Its over. Just lining up her ducks and she's got you in her sights as her stool peigion! Women are "emotionally" about ten years more mature than men. So at 35 she's playing at the 45 year old level. Even though your 37. Like Lady Jane has said many times (well at least once that I remember?) "Men's minds operate like a wooden spoon and a bowl, while women's minds are more like high speed Osterirzer Blenders set on puree!" (Speaking about emotional issues). As she's right ~ if your a man ~ your a on a fool's errand trying to go toe to toe with a woman on emotinal issues! Hell I'm a retired United States Marine and I won't do it ~ with any woman. Your on their turf and playing by their rules. And I can promise you! NO wife of mind would be given anybody that kind of money! The 6K? Well half of might been here (in your thinking). I would told her, "Your azz isn't thinking straight! I'm going to take "your" half and put it in trust for "our" daughter! Come back? Are you kidding me! She'd have to crawl through 50 miles of broken glass, rusty nails, alligators, and pit vipers before I'd take her back! Granted! You had your issues, your problems, your shortcomings ~ but two wrongs don't make a right there pal! Your so-called "sins" are no greater nor lesser than hers. QUIT beating yourself up! You did the best you could at the time with what you had! At 21, what did your azz know about being married? KNOW? That you''ve got 16 years under your belt, you've awakened to your shortcomings, issues, and things that you need to work ~ you'll do better! I promise you! Its the equivlanet of my "jetting" you to Bagdad and throwing you out in the streets with an M-16, a helmet, and a flak jacket. And, I ask you? What do you know about killing and being killed? Well Slick, that was you 16 years ago. OJT is definately not the way to go when it comes to marriage and combat! And, this "luck-up" business? WTF is that? Its wrong thinking is what it is. Most men ~ and I do mean most men don't have a clue when it comes to women ~ but the really good news is? You can learn! You learned how to talk didn't you? You learned how to walk didn't you? As a matter of fact ~ MOST of what your azz does know ~ YOU LEARNED! There's only a handful of things that come natural to human beings. The main one being is "sucking in and out air!" Everything else? Is LEARNED! And right here and right now I can give you the number one ingredient to being successful with women? BE YOURSELF AND BE WHO AND WHAT YOU ARE! You've got it in your brain housing group that this is the "one and only gal in the world" for you! You want to know where this BS came from? It came from the pre-industrial age. Back before there were telephones, the internet, cell-phones, computers, cars, trains, and airplanes. Back when you had to marry your second-cousin (by marriage) because it took all damned day just to get ten miles just to get to the her house? Yea, you need a therpaist alright! Just to figure out why this is the best that you deserve in life ~ to be treated this way! My X's (I don't have but two) know to never contact me again. The first ~ kicked me to the curb ~ my X-Hex and my last LTR GF. I can't make them respect me, but I can make damn sure make sure they don't dis-respect me! The X-Hex is another story. But the last LTR GF was from one part of the country than I, and basically told me, "Choose! Either "me" or your "children!" "Have a nice forever-the-rest-of-your-life without me!" I've never looked back! Ten years later, I still get these BS cards and letters! I stamp them (I actually had a rubber stamp made up, LOL!) "Return To Sender" She had her chance! She blew it! Now that I'm back Home after twenty years in the Corps, I"ve got all these women interested in me? WTF! Its because I've accomplished and done something with my life besides piss it away! Well you know what there Sport? You've done SOMETHING with your life! The STBXW? She had her chance! Let her and Mr. Karate Kid go hang out at the strip-joints! There's nothing but complete total losers there anyway! If that's what she wants? Let her have it! Strip joints! I've seem them all ~ Worldwide! and none of them are worth a damn! Total waste of time! Most of the strippers are lesbians to begin with! Back when I was in the Corps? I'd find a nice cafe, tea house, coffee shop. The first night in country on shore liberty, I'd make my platoon stay there! Oh they'ed bitch, moan, and groan! They wanted to go to the strip joints, etc. I wouldn't let them! I wanted them to know where to find me, in case one of them got into trouble with the local police or SP, MP's etc. so I could get them back to the ship! LMAO ~ Well? That's another story "Titled: Staff Sergeant Moran, Bangkok and the "Bennie Boy" (Thai ~ Transvestite) and a Six Months Cruise of Marines in the South China Sea!"
sumdude Posted September 14, 2007 Posted September 14, 2007 What's done is done but from here on do not give her another red cent!! Loaning $$ to someone you don't know??!! You don't even know who it is?!! It may not even be this karate guy... who the hell knows what happened to the money? She could just be squrrelling it away to prep for divorce or blowing it on cocaine for all you know. Either way she has played on your feelings and taken total advantage of you and it stops now!
justpassingthrough Posted September 19, 2007 Posted September 19, 2007 Steve, of course you miss your daughter. But you aren't missing your wife; you're missing the wife you THOUGHT YOU HAD. Get an attorney while you still have some money to afford one. Get your daughter away from her. She's not a great mother, at least not right now.
Bobby NoBrains Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 Sorry to say, but it sounds like she's moved on. Emotionally and mentally at least, and she's doing the moving physically at this time. Whether it's the karate guy or anyone else, she's moving the cash out as well. And you got no savings left to fall back on. Mate, you're in a hard place that's getting worse I wanna say a few things .. 1. She's thinking about herself. You need to pull yourself together and think about yourself and you will also have to be the one to think about your baby girl. 2. Personally I think the karate guy is an excuse, though there could be more there that you don't know about. If there is more there, then the situation is even worse for you and for your baby girl. 3. You need to stop letting her emotionally blackmail you into submitting to her demands for money or support of any kind. If she wants it she should of stuck by you. Not giving the cash to someone else as she says she is. Maybe the karate guy is the one giving her the ideas, it's sad that she would listen to him and not to you after 16 years of marriage. She doesn't deserve your support and help, to be honest. 4. Make sure that the money you give her is coming out of her half. Legally you don't want to be in a situation where the cash is gone, and you still have to shell out half of what is remaining if you end up getting divorced. There's something like almost $30,000 totally missing from her accounts that you know of. That's a whole lot of cash that's disappeared that should have been saved up for both of you and your little girl. Hopefully you won't be left holding the sack with nothing in it at the end of the day. 5. There's a small chance that the karate guy is "using" her to get cash out of her cause she is emotionally vulnerable to him because of an affair with him. Even though it may not be physical, there's something there for sure. Stop thinking with your heart and start thinking with your head. At best you have a wife and daughter for whom you need to be calm and collected to sort things out. At worst you have a wayward wife who has betrayed you emotionally and perhaps physically and may also have a plan set in motion to get her cash out before she blows everything up in your face. Either way, you gotta stop crying and get yourself together. Chin up, dude. Just my two bits .. Bobby
Bobby NoBrains Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 Oh Gunny, good post Took a while to translate into readable form, but it hit hard where it ought to of Just my two bits .. Bobby
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