Am I totally insane?

[Long Winded]

OK, I'll try to keep this shorter than War & Peace, but no promises.

 

My wife & I were married 18 years ago. We planned on starting a family eventually, but had a baby right away, shifted into parenthood immediately. We were 27.

 

6 years go by, now we had four kids. And now, these wonderful blessed events have grown into terrific teenagers. I've gotten involved in community activities, she was in the PTA, I started my own business a few years back, she teaches. Everything sounds great.

 

While the kids were young, we burned the candle at both ends. She was swamped raising the kids, really had her hands full. I helped whenever possible. There were times when she said I wasn't doing enough. And she was right. I was the sole breadwinner for the family and was really trying to keep us afloat. That's when we BOTH stopped thinking about us, as a unit. We stopped making love, for lengthy periods of time (meaning months). Jeez, we even stopped holding hands! And it didn't seem to really bother either of us, we were both exhausted. We both really let ourselves go too, both gained weight and basically floundered. Depressing.

 

When I started bringing up the fact we weren't "doing it" any more, she'd point out I fall asleep on the couch many nights. I'd counter with the fact that she'd be in bed at 8:15 every night (and was instructed to NOT wake her up for sex). She'd say "we'll wake the kids if we do it" and "we both get up at 5:30 am, there's no time for that in the mornings." Sometimes I'd drink and she'd hide in the bedroom. Her snoring and bad breath drove me out of the bedroom.

 

Today, in 2007, I haven't had a drink in ten years, but we have major financial issues, both have parents that are getting older and sicker, adding even more stress. She says when we fight, I always find a way to make it about "sex." So I don't say anything anymore. It's really spun out of control, in a bad way.

 

So now, we "do it" maybe once a year, if that. Some years have gone by without anything sexual...or even remotely romantic...happening. And nothing at all the last two years. It's really awkward. Everything. It doesn't seem to bother her, but I don't know. It's totally destroyed me.

 

I had a "one night thing" back in 2000 with a consultant for the company I worked for. I never told my wife about it, but felt extremely guilty afterwards and asked her if we could go talk to a MC. She didn't think that MC was necessary, but she didn't know what happened. I stopped asking her to go.

 

For the past year I've been involved with a divorced woman who I dated all the way back in high school and college (well over 20 years ago). Although she lives out of state, we've fallen completely for each other. It's physical and emotional. We talk several times each week by phone, and due to the nature of my business, I've had several trips to see her, or she's come here. We see each other about once every 8 or 9 weeks. This has been going on for a year. Additionally, I've lost a LOT of weight, and business is really picking up.

 

At this point, I think the right thing to do is to leave and ask my wife for a divorce. I don't want to hurt her any longer, and exposing this relationship will be crushing to her - and honestly, exposing it is something I don't WANT to do. I know I'm throwing away everything. The new woman in my life has also clearly stated that she will not continue with me if I head from my home straight to be with her. She's told me she feels like she'll be a home-wrecker, I've tried to make it clear I was headed this way before she even came into the picture. I need to be by myself for awhile before moving forward with her. Although we are separated by distance, I feel extremely close to her and we talk in concrete terms about our plans for the future. I have every intention of moving forward in a long term relationship with her, as does she. However, with both of us having teenagers, we realistically agree it may take a few years for us to finally live under the same roof.

 

So, is this the "mid-life crisis?" Is this the "grass is always greener" thing? Am I totally out of my mind? Is this repair-able? While it might be a marriage that could be repaired, you need two willing partners to make that happen. And honestly, I don't know if I WANT to. I'm amazed at my own attitude. Sometimes I think if this new relationship were to be discovered, it really wouldn't bother me. Some days I feel like I've completely checked out. How messed up is that?

 

I've come to the conclusion (recently) that I've developed and harbored so much resentment toward my wife over the years. It's immature. But it "is what it is." I don't think that wall can be broken. As time has unfolded, we've taken each for granted, put our own needs and our own relationship and placed them on the back burner. We have drifted so very, very far apart. We've essentially traded in our old identities and become our kid's parents. And in the next few years these kids will be heading off to college. And then, on paper, it's just us two. Or not.

 

I've pointed out to my wife, in several conversations over the last 8-9 months, how unhappy I am and dissatisfied I've become. And I've told her things like "I'm not sure if I'm IN love with you." Jeez, I know that's so hurtful. She gets very upset and usually runs off and cries in the bedroom when these conversations begin, so they don't last long, and they never reach a conclusion, either.

 

I feel so crappy about all of this. I don't want her to feel like she's responsible for this marriage falling apart. Even though I could easily blame her for some of this, I don't want to do that. I know I'm mostly responsible. But I don't want to live this way any longer. And while I have high hopes for this new relationship, I'm realistic and know that, according to some, the odds may be stacked against that ever working out, either.

 

I know I'll be stoned by some out there for my choices I've made. I guess I deserve it. But am I totally insane?

[Cobra_X30]

Telling her about your current relationship is up to you. I would say yes do it... but only after you make it VERY clear that you plan on getting a divorce. I recommend splitting with your wife as soon as it is financially viable. There is no love there... and she deserves someone to love her just as much as you do.

[IamASelfishSOB]

Gee, the fat, snoring person with bad breath doesn't paint a very pretty picture. I'm having a hard time getting past that one. I'm guessing that communication might even help in this area, but again, I'm going through my own mid-life crisis, so I probably won't be much help.

[BestAdvisor1]

Telling her about your current relationship is up to you. I would say yes do it... but only after you make it VERY clear that you plan on getting a divorce.

 

Are you advising him not to tell his wife if he is not completely sure if he wants a divorce or not and that he should just continue messing behind his wife's back?

 

You have no right to sleep with someone behind your wife's back, so, stop that right now including any type of communication. How come you didn't feel guilty like you did in 2000? Have you become less moral?

[MrsHellnoFire]

Wow. This is why I plan to never have more than the two kids I already have. Granted we started younger than you folks, but it takes a lot of work, sacrifice, and will and takes away from the original relationship. Because so much time was devoted to the kids, they turned out pretty well. Just thank to the heavens, because most teenagers are hell on wheels and that would put another enormous strain on the relationship. But honestly, four kids .. yeah I'm not surprised you don't have any time for eachother and to satisfy needs. I really wished she would put more importance in your relationship because I don't necessarily blame you entirely. It seems she has ignored your feelings for quite sometime and it's a shame the passion is no longer there. I'll have you both in my thoughts."She gets very upset and usually runs off and cries in the bedroom when these conversations begin"Yet she does absolutely nothing on her end to strengthen this relationship hanging on by a single thread? Everyone deserves happiness in their lives, but how old are your children? If it's that soon that they head off to college, maybe it actually does make sense to wait until they are. Normally, I would just suggest to end the marriage because life is short and nothing is worth living passionless and unhappy when both partners don't make a commitment to strive for betterness in the relationship. Not to mention the poor model set for your children on how relationships are.. they will learn to settle for less. The most important thing, if you decide to separate from your spouse, would be to remain actively involved in your child's life. I think when the man pretty much sinks into oblivion after divorce, the problems progressively arise with the children.

[whichwayisup]

You haven't even really tried fixing your marriage, talking and listening to your wife. BOTH of you have shut the door as that was the 'easier' choice than to work hard, change and GROW again together.

 

This woman, your WIFE had 4 of your children! You both stopped being husband and wife to eachother...

 

COMMUNICATE all that you're feeling inside to your wife, she deserves (as well as you) a good last shot at saving the marriage! To throw in the towel because some OW has gained your attention is just plain stupid and selfish!

 

If you want to leave your wife, DO IT because you want to be alone, do it because you don't love your wife, nor care for her anymore. DON'T DO IT because you love the OW.

 

You are getting needs met by the OW because your wife isn't meeting your needs. Well, you ain't meeting your wife's needs either.

 

DO you love your wife at all? Don't you think you owe it to her, yourself and your kids to fix this marriage? You two have ALOT OF HISTORY together, families entwined together...You wanna throw ALL that away for someone else?

[MrsHellnoFire]

"So, is this the "mid-life crisis?" Is this the "grass is always greener" thing? Am I totally out of my mind?"No I don't think that is the case. Your marriage is completely devoid of passion and love. If anything, your wife is crying over the facade of perfection you both have shone upon the world. She would have to learn how to be single all over again after 18 years of being co-dependent.There is NO hope if she is unwilling to change her ways, which will be extremely difficult after eighteen years of transforming her persona to "MOTHER" alone seemingly started at the birth of your first child.

[MrsHellnoFire]

"and usually runs off and cries in the bedroom when these conversations begin, so they don't last long, and they never reach a conclusion, either."

 

No offense to everyone who has replied, but it is quite clear the OP has brought up his feelings numerous times to his wife only for her to IGNORE and remain in denial. It take TWO to work hard at a relationship. She has instead decided to cower and let the feelings of her husband fall on deaf ears. PLUS she also was against MC. In this case, I don't think she has anyone to blame but herself.

 

"Don't you think you owe it to her, yourself and your kids to fix this marriage?"

 

A relationship cannot be mended when there is only ONE willing participant.

[Long Winded]

WWIU: Yes, there is a lot of history, and yes, I know I'd be throwing it all away. But I cannot seem to complete a serious conversation with her on this, or any important topic. And that hasn't been the situation for 8-9 months, it's been 18 years.

 

Mrs. H: We have a 17 year old, twin 15's and a 13. THAT was a handful when they were babies. And yes, I know I could have done more to help, but I also had my hands full too. We were (are) both stressed and overwhelmed.

 

Look, I feel terrible about this. But I don't anticipate her changing. I cannot expect ANYONE to change for me. I can only control myself, and how I react. I'm sharing with you here on LS because I'm frustrated, mixed up and want some input. I don't know if I'm less moral today than I was a few years ago, but these are the facts.

 

I'm not a quitter. I've never quit anything, ever.

 

But I feel like one today.

[Long Winded]

Mrs H: in her defense, she did not know the reasons WHY I suggested MC years back. I think if she were aware at the time, she would have driven.

[LakesideDream]

The lure of a new "love" is intoxicating, and very addictive. It makes "decision making" difficult.

 

I didn't see a mention of your children's ages. By deduction is seems your oldest is 17 and your youngest about 7 ? The children should be your first responsibility.

 

Keep in mind, as difficult as your financial situation is now, it will be much worse spreading the same dollars to cover a second household.

 

There are no easy answers as to whether you should stay or go. Living in a "sexless" or possibly a loveless marriage is a daunting task. In my case, I was blissfully unaware that my ex had "checked out" until she announced it. It's impossible for me to condone infidelity, as I have been a long term victim of a wayward spouse. That being said, I can understand (intelectually) your need for what you are getting outside your marriage.

 

Advice? For the sake of your younger children use caution in your decisions. It might help to take some time off from your affair to clear some of the "infatuation" endorphines out of your brain before making any big moves.

[Ladyjane14]

WWIU: Yes, there is a lot of history, and yes, I know I'd be throwing it all away. But I cannot seem to complete a serious conversation with her on this, or any important topic. And that hasn't been the situation for 8-9 months, it's been 18 years.

 

Sorry, but I'm gonna have to call bullsh*t on that one. Guaranteed... if you printed off your first post and gave her a copy, you'd be having a complete and serious conversation.

 

You're not telling her the truth. She doesn't have all the data. Hence, things aren't as serious-looking in her world as they are in yours.

 

You're giving yourself permission to cheat, to leave your marriage and family dynamic for another woman... without stepping up to the plate and dealing with the fallout from it. You've got your head stuck in the sand, telling yourself you "don't want to hurt your wife", but that's not the REAL reason, is it? ...when you're brutally honest with yourself?

I'd be having trouble not feeling like "a quitter" too if I were you under that set of circumstances.

 

Frankly, when a person's head is full of another romantic love interest... it's just not possible to have enough clarity of mind to make life-altering decisions. Your perspective has become skewed.

 

There are ALOT of people involved in this, your wife, your children, extended family and friends. This isn't just about you, not if you're a man who feels his responsibilities keenly. My recommendation to you is to tell your wife the UNVARNISHED TRUTH... and then take it from there. You'd be surprised at how so many formerly stubborn women start paying attention when they become aware of the fact that the chips are really down.

[whichwayisup]

she did not know the reasons WHY I suggested MC years back. I think if she were aware at the time, she would have driven.

 

Then that was your doing. Maybe she knew all along, and was scared that you were going to leave. Either way, you need to talk to her and stop allowing and enabling her behaviour to continue. She's a grown woman and the reason (i think) she is avoiding and not talking to you about the marital issues is because she is scared to lose you! She's probably never been on her own before...

 

Listen to LJ, her advice is golden....I back her up 100%!

 

But I don't anticipate her changing. I cannot expect ANYONE to change for me. I can only control myself, and how I react

 

But she hasn't been given a chance. By you, or been forced to. Yes, when the chips are down, you'd be surprised how quickly one CAN and is WILLING to change when they're about to lose everything that they've ever loved and become used to.

[Long Winded]

Lady Jane, I appreciate what you have written above, but keep this in mind: whenever the conversations have become serious, she bolts! So I wouldn't necessarily say I'm not telling her the truth, because I have not had a chance -- to say anything -- when she leaves and locks herself in the bedroom. So, of course things don't appear as serious to her. That's a communication issue.

 

Which Way: I agree, she may be scared. And she has not been on her own before.

 

This is going to sound very cruel: My home life has become another place of business...bring home the money so bills can be paid. Run errands, pick up, drop off, clean. We often avoid each other these days when we are both around. But this IS how I feel, and it's very sad. There is no affection, love or emotion. And yes, I understand and acknowledge I've played a significant role in making that/letting that happen.

[whichwayisup]

So, of course things don't appear as serious to her

 

But IT IS serious, she knows it too and that's why she runs and hides because she's afraid of confrontation, she's scared of opening up, scared of what you have to say...This isn't a case of her not caring what you think and feel, this is HER fear of losing you so she is handling it by ignoring it in hopes it will go away on it's own...And, we both know that isn't going to happen.

 

This is going to sound very cruel: My home life has become another place of business...bring home the money so bills can be paid. Run errands, pick up, drop off, clean. We often avoid each other these days when we are around. But this IS how I feel, and it's very sad. There is no affection, love or emotion. And yes, I understand and acknowledge I've played a significant role in making that/letting that happen.

 

It's honest and something you need to tell your wife. Yes, it will hurt her, but I'm sure she feels the exact same way. Though she's just absolutely terrified to talk about it...

 

Arrange a weekend, NO KIDS. Use that time to talk to your wife. Do your best NOT to let her runaway. (Maybe have the conversation IN the bedroom so she won't lock you out...)

[MrsHellnoFire]

Lady Jane, I appreciate what you have written above, but keep this in mind: whenever the conversations have become serious, she bolts! So I wouldn't necessarily say I'm not telling her the truth, because I have not had a chance -- to say anything -- when she leaves and locks herself in the bedroom. So, of course things don't appear as serious to her. That's a communication issue.

 

Which Way: I agree, she may be scared. And she has not been on her own before.

 

This is going to sound very cruel: My home life has become another place of business...bring home the money so bills can be paid. Run errands, pick up, drop off, clean. We often avoid each other these days when we are both around. But this IS how I feel, and it's very sad. There is no affection, love or emotion. And yes, I understand and acknowledge I've played a significant role in making that/letting that happen.

I hate to say this but both of you have some maturing to do communication-wise. Write a letter to her if there are no other ways.And her behavior of running away to avoid confrontation and locking herself in the bathroom is extremely childish. SHE'S WHAT? In her 40's? This is ridiculous. She apparently has never grown up to handle any sorts of problems.

[Long Winded]

the reason (i think) she is avoiding and not talking to you about the marital issues is because she is scared to lose you!

 

 

That's a really dumb reason to not broach the subject, in my opinion. But you may be right.

 

 

you'd be surprised how quickly one CAN and is WILLING to change when they're about to lose everything that they've ever loved and become used to.

 

Don't you think becoming used to something and taking each other for granted is a big reason behind all this?

[whichwayisup]

That's a really dumb reason to not broach the subject, in my opinion. But you may be right.

 

Yes it is a dumb reason, but it may be how she feels.

 

Don't you think becoming used to something and taking each other for granted is a big reason behind all this?

 

Most definately!

[MrsHellnoFire]

That's a really dumb reason to not broach the subject, in my opinion. But you may be right.

 

 

 

 

Don't you think becoming used to something and taking each other for granted is a big reason behind all this?

 

What's really disturbing is that it seems she is COMFORTABLE with herself and the situation both of you are in. It's a shame to settle for less than some sort of love and admiration towards eachother. You've both basically have turned into just parents and I guess that's just more common than I would like to think. I'm tired of watching married males (parents) flirting with the opposite sex at their child's school for christ sake. If both partners put at least half or a quarter of the time and effort into their marriage that they put into their children, I think things could work out fairly decently. Cowering into a toilet or a bedroom is pretty much saying "I don't want to hear it" or "I'm happy the way things are so you deal with YOUR issues on your own". She doesn't seem apt to change.Your issues for staying involved in this mess seems to be a fixture of your guilt! Do you REALLY want this marriage to work and if so, why? For the kids? Or do you still love her?? If you still love her and would like changes made, you will have to jerk her back to reality by exposing your affair. And then you will see how things go from there.

[Long Winded]

Your issues for staying involved in this mess seems to be a fixture of your guilt! Do you REALLY want this marriage to work and if so, why? For the kids? Or do you still love her??

 

 

Well. I'm not really sure WHY I have stayed, I cannot define the one absolute reason, it's a lot of things...and, yes, my own guilt is a BIG reason, but not the only reason. Obligation. Thinking I'm doing the right thing by staying. Not quitting. I hung in there, but admittedly, I was going through the motions. But I felt she was too! And yes, I stayed because I loved her then, but feel so distant now. I love my kids. I honestly hoped that things would change/improve. I say "hoped" because I know I didn't do as much as I could have to improve or work on our relationship either over all that time. I also kept telling myself that there will be time for our relationship after the kids have grown. Now I feel like there is such a large gap it's too wide to jump.

 

OK, I know, that's lame.

 

As you can probably guess, I've got zero interest in exposing this other relationship. I'd rather leave without acknowledging that. And like I've written previously, I've got high expectations of this new relationship, but I can't focus on that. All of these issues were bubbling beneath the surface before this woman re-entered my life. And I also know that the grass isn't always greener: I'm on a short-term boost this past year because someone is showing an interest in me. I'm also realistic knowing I've got to close one chapter before getting too far into the next one. And there's no guarantee of that relationship (or ANY relationship) working out any better or differently.

 

OK, I also know this isn't a fair contest...you're getting MY side of things, her version will likely be totally different. And the third version will be the truth, which will be somewhere in between.

 

Alright, there IS something else. I was diagnosed with a very serious illness in the past year, just a few weeks after I re-connected with this woman. While the prognosis is good, I'm not out of the woods yet. It made me realize that life can be short...and maybe shorter...than even I expected. Which, admittedly is a contributing factor in making me "less patient" that this situation will improve/change at home.

[Ladyjane14]

...whenever the conversations have become serious, she bolts! So I wouldn't necessarily say I'm not telling her the truth, because I have not had a chance -- to say anything -- when she leaves and locks herself in the bedroom. So, of course things don't appear as serious to her. That's a communication issue.

 

You bet it IS a communication issue. But I'm thinking it's not just HER who's having a problem communicating.

 

Look man, and I say this in a friendly way... if you were THIS inept on your job, you guys would be living in a cardboard box. Fact is, you go to work and do whatever it is that you do everyday, and you get the job DONE, right?

 

This is no different. You could write a letter, send her an email, call her on the phone, talk through the bathroom door, or send up smoke signals if you had to. If you WANTED to get the job done, you'd have found a way.

 

Your problem here is that you've painted yourself into a corner by bringing in this third party, and NOW your judgment is suspect because you're under-the-influence of Infatuation... which is NOT just an emotional reaction btw, but a physiological one as well. So now, the only way to make certain that your marriage is irretrievably broken is to give ALL the data to your wife and see if there's anything she can do that might save it.

 

Yeah, she's gonna be pissed. She might even take the decision out of your hands and divorce you. But the ONLY way to know if she's "got game" is to call her out to the plate.

[Trialbyfire]

I'm curious about something. What kind of personalities are you and your wife? Are you always dominant and she's passive or timid?

[Long Winded]

... if you were THIS inept on your job, you guys would be living in a cardboard box. Fact is, you go to work and do whatever it is that you do everyday, and you get the job DONE, right?

 

This is no different.

 

There's two people involved here. And only one of them is concerned, the other (for YEARS) seems to be "ok" living in an emotion-free and affection-free relationship.

 

And maybe this IS starting to become like I wrote previously, another JOB.

 

 

She might even take the decision out of your hands and divorce you. But the ONLY way to know if she's "got game" is to call her out to the plate.

 

The thought of this (divorce) used to really bother me. But part of the reason I am posting here today is because I'm starting to feel indifferent. In other words, I'm starting to feel like, "well, maybe that's not such a bad idea." That "not caring" feeling is really bugging me, because I didn't think I could ever feel this way.

 

I know that is really terrible to say.

 

 

TBF: I have no idea what personalities either of us are.

[Trialbyfire]

TBF: I have no idea what personalities either of us are.

Who makes all or most of the decisions in the marriage?

[Long Winded]

I'm not following you. Decisions, like what? When it comes to the schedule, and paying bills, running the home, she does all that. I just bring home the $. When it comes to big purchases, we talk about it and are usually on the same page. When it comes to issues or problems with the kids (not very often, thank goodness), we always discuss things together, so we are on the same page.

 

It's a lot like roommates. Is that what you mean?