One foot in each boat

[on_my_way_out]

Hello,

I have been acting the past year in a terribly selfish way and have been looking for a way out.

I am a male, married 9 1/2 years and this is my second marriage. I have two wonderful sons from my first marriage (both in their 20's). I have an incredible beautiful daughter that has been my world for the 7 years of her life.

I cannot say I have been happily married and there are many things that contribute to this. She was diagnosed Bi-Polar and also diagnosed Post Traumatic Stress. The latter related to how her mother treated her as a child (violence and yes her mother and other two siblings are affected with BPD or heavy Anxiety). I came from a loving nurturing family, but really never learned how to stand up for myself because as a family we looked out for and helped each other.

So my wife has an anger and control issue. Even before we were married she acted these out on me or in ways that confused me so. I kept working to do things to make her happy and to try anything to keep ahead of issues. Mostly trying to stay ahead, because when things would not go her way, she would spin anything and everything into the topic and I could not keep up with the spinning vortex of belitteling comments. She has attempted suicide and has acted out physically against me. Bitten once because I was going to call 911 when she said she took all of her meds (which I believe was a controling lie), and slapped and punched in the face while my daughter of 6 yrd old at the time was sitting in my lap. The last one I did call the police on because I had regreted not documenting any of the earlier episodes. In my life with her I could do no right in her words, but everyone else called me superman for doing what I was doing. I am the emotional parent to my daughter as I have done all the nurturing since birth. My wife said she was afraid of hurting her (which may be real). I have so enjoyed and loved attending to bathes and playground and bike rides and reading to her every single night since she was born. I would awake every morning and get her ready for daycare and now Catholic Grade School. I would drop her off and pick her up as my wife never found the time or desire to keep the commitment. I would make supper and play and put her down every night. My wife would wander in at various times from her job after 6 to 8pm and at times later. She would demand supper or that I talk to her on her cell on her 45 minute commute. My job suffered as I could not put the proper hours and focus in. But I was ok because my daughter needed someone and I loved her and loved doing it. She would not go to counseling as needed and usually did not take her meds as prescribed. We went to Marriage Counseling even before our daughter was born and continued with other counselers. My wife keeps changing her own Therapist and I read this is common for people with BPD. I started therapy because I thought it may help and have seen about three different ones (my wife recommended I go). My therapy appointments (daughter in tow to them all) are basicly sanity checking for me with them saying it is not me and that I am ok.

I became very active in my daughters school and joined the PTO and was asked on to the School Board as well.

So here is the issue, I met and believe I have fallen in love with another woman. It has been over one year now. I feel what I never felt in my live before which I believe is a very true love. Unconditional in that I have been through many things with the OW. I know it is not all about escape and fun. We share religous faith and it too is an incredible bond. I have spoken to priests about my situation and am perplexed that they have not told me to run like hell from the evil of the OW. I only get feedback that I have done right in trying to help my wife and that I am doing my penance on earth. I do not question the validity of the OW and that she loves me, but wonder if it is somewhat a Fantasy Love for one or both of us.

My trouble is that I have tried to stop with the OW since last October when she lied to me about some things about another guy. We worked through it. I tried to leave in November when she told me more about another guy. I was basically being sandwiched with 2 other gents for her attention. I have tried to stop so many times as I go through other negative emotional things with the OW as I find various things from her past that she leaves around.

We have already pledged futures in conversation with the hope of me finding my strength to break up a marriage that was over long ago.

I am at an odd crossroads and with a foot in each boat fear that I will be in the water alone. I have talked to Lawyers and my therapist about divorce. My one fear is not having my daughter in my physical custody. I have been told that even with the OW involved that the court would look at it as the marriage was over long ago. She has not nurtured daughter and a GAL would find that from daughter. She has a huge medical background against her. She has domestic violence against her on record. She is not a nice person. She is like a black cloud. My daughter fears her and does not like when she around and the same goes for me.

I lack strength, balls, support, finances to do this. I say to myself that if she strikes out again, I will have the will and backing to do it.

I do love the OW, but question her long range future. The OW that I deeply love and feel she loves me back right now may be holding me from divorcing because I can escape to her. I have stuck by them both in tough times, but I dont seem to be able to act. I know running to the OW is hurting my daughter too because she does not like being with her mother. I know I just need to do the right thing for everyones sake, but do not know how.

Feedback would be appreciated.

[JamesM]

BTW, two posts in two forums is not necessary. Everyone can see all posts by clicking "New Posts" at the top of the page. Side note and comment...certainly not a criticism.

 

The first question I have is...why did you leave/divorce your first wife? What happened?

 

Now you are ready to leave your second wife...is the OW prepared to be the third wife?

 

Do you think that your "love" for the OW is largely due to the fact that you have (according to your story) been mistreated so much for the past few years? Do you think that this love will survive "real" dating?

 

What do I think you should do? If you are serious about leaving your wife, then do it. Only after you are divorced should you pursue a relationship with this OW. If you do it prior, you may not have had enough time to get your own baggage and thoughts resolved before jumping into a new relationship. It is better to figure out why you have had two (almost) failed marriages before starting another one.

[Missy27]

She's god damn MENTAL ~~ and not just a little bit mental ~~~ She's absolutely barking ~~ Top of the range CUCKOO ~~ You need to get rid of this woman before someone REALLY gets hurt.

 

Nothing you EVER do will be good enough ~ she has a bad day ~ Its your fault ~ She dies her underwear pink in the wash ~ its your fault ~ her boss rains on her parade ~~ ITS ALL YOUR FAULT.

 

She's obviously got some REAL issues, and at the end of the day there is only so much you can do to help one person ~~ If she wants to "get better" she's got to want it for herself and she's got to DO something about it ~~ She gotta get of her backside and MAKE herself better ~~

 

Primarily there's a 7 year old child stuck in the middle of all of this ~~ she sees and hears ALL of it ~~ Its phenomenal how much information they soak up and what influences her at this age is critical to her development. You've already said that she doesn't like being left alone with your Wife and I gotta be honest ~~ if it were my kid I wouldn't let her anywhere near.

 

If it were me ? ~~ I'd wait until she goes out / to work next time ~~ get your daughter ~ then I'd pack all her sh~t up into bin bags, dump it outside ~ get the locks changed on your house, and then tell wifey to go make like helicopter

 

I dont in ANY way condone your affair and I think you need to break that off completely until you've got this thing sorted ~~ but I DO think you need to get away from this woman ~~ You've got her over a barrel ~~ you need to start documenting EVERYTHING ~~ every time she kicks off ~~ write it down in a note book so you've got some back-up as and when this goes to court ~~

 

Go for custody of your Daughter ~~ you will almost certainly be granted full custody based purely on the facts of your wifes medical history, without even starting on the domestic abuse. She's got doctors and therapists everywhere that'll be giving the law the facts ~~ she's emotionally unstable and could be a threat to herself AND more horrifically to your daughter.

 

You've got ALL the cards in your hand if you want them, you've just got to jump into the drivers seat with this one and start growing some back bone and stick up for yourself and your daughter. Take charge of your life and more importantly take charge of your daughters destiny ~~ she needs you now more than ever.

[butterfly37]

I 100% agree with Missy here. Take care of your daughter. Take care of yourself. You've tried to help your wife. Now, let her help herself. Don't let her drag you and your daughter down with her. Don't be involved with the other woman. She obviously has loyalty issues. "She's just not that into you" or she'd be giving you 100%, not 33%.

[on_my_way_out]

New here today, so thatnks for the feedback on double posting.

First wife cheated on me after 3 years. She was upfront about it and we went to Marriage Therapy. She did it again about the 6 year mark and I did not heal from the second time so it ended after 8 years.

The OW says she can survive being a 3rd. (she has been divorced for 9 years now and has no children).

I do question my perspective on how I feel being I am in an oppressive relationship.

I know I can survive real dating/ life or living with OW. Things are glorious for both of us when we are together and terrible miss when apart. But I do question her dedication based on the issues we had with lies and serial dating.

Thanks for your open and honest perspectives and comments.

[Melovator]

Yep Missy's right. The best thing you can do for your daughter is to be in charge and that means ceasing things with the OW until you have divorced your wife.

 

Your daughter will need all your love and care, not a father distracted by a new relationship and buckets of guilt. Further, I'm sorry to say this because you're wife is a psycho loony biatch- but that doesn't matter- you are wrong to be having an affair- discard your Catholic guilt and do the real right thing- protect your daughter and yourself and get out of BOTH relationships.

[butterfly37]

All I can say is AMEN! to that.

[on_my_way_out]

Thank you to all who have posted today. I appreciate it. I had a great day with my daughter after I picked her up from school. The black cloud lingers still and the OW conversations on the phone were minimul today. The weekends are the difficult part. Another part that will be difficult is that a neighbor of the OW is in his 80's and near death (within days). I need to go see him to say my goodbyes. I will have a tough time if it is during a time that the OW is there. And will be impossible like that too.

It is like I wish I could take my F%$&ing cell phone and throw it in the river. I feel at times like she is a siren in the water to me.

Weekends (Fridays) are tough because they have been a transition day from one house to the other. My goal tomorrow is to find the will to take my daughter someplace to distance myself from each. This will not be easy as she has soccer and a 7th Birthday party with her friends. I know these will keep me with her.

Reading the posts and threads here in just one day have given my hope and insight to what I already know. I just need to take those leaps from the two mountains and hold my daughters hand.

TY again.

[on_my_way_out]

Well, my weekend was mixed. My intent was to not have any physical contact with the OW and just hang out with my daughter.

I drove the 90 miles to see the OW's neighbor who I got to know and is on his deathbead. I sat with him for about 15 minutes as he rested peacefully. I headed home after and did not stop for lunch with the OW as she had a work lunch function anyway.

Friday night my W flipped out for what i felt was no reason. I had picked up my Daughter from school and enjoyed a nice afternoon outside playing and goofing around as we normaly do. I started supper and my daughter helped as the W was in a spare bedroom painting the walls (which is a change fro her to do these things). When I was close to having supper done, I walked in the spare bedroom and asked if she was almost done as supper would be ready in about 5 minutes. My daughter and I continued to prep supper and D asked if we could have a picnic on the floor in the living room. I told her yes and she preped that. After about 10 minutes, I called down the hall that supper was ready. Daughter and I had all plates set and we sat down and started. knock on door and it was our neighbor bringing over something. W came out for that and gave me a scowl. When neighbor left, W flipped out saying what i did was hurtful that I did not say supper was ready. She continued to storm with words as daughter sat there. I asked her to stop. W took her food and put it in the dog dish as she said she did not want it. She also said to not use the gas grill as she had "bought it" by putting it on her Lowes card. My daughter was upset and I just told her to try to not let it bother her now and we would talk about it after supper. W took daughter to her room and from what D said that her M cried on her shoulder that it was wrong. I had asked Daughter if she wanted to just go somewhere and she said yes. D and I got in car and went out to leave the black cloud.

She was ok and happy and asked to go to mini golf. we went there and playground and enjoyed each others company. We returned near bedtime and after about 30 minutes I put D to bed and we enjoyed story time.

W sent an email to apologize and acted it, but I simply could not deal with her.

Saturday evening I went to church by myself, but broke my desires and went to the OW.

I have to stop bouncing around myself. I dont know how to do this. I enjoyed some simple things with the OW and I just am a mess for this being split in two. I know I just need to tell the W to stop her s%$t and leave. I know the OW in the picture is adding too much complexity.