One foot in each boat

[on_my_way_out]

Hello,

I have been acting the past year in a terribly selfish way and have been looking for a way out.

I am a male, married 9 1/2 years and this is my second marriage. I have two wonderful sons from my first marriage (both in their 20's). I have an incredible beautiful daughter that has been my world for the 7 years of her life.

I cannot say I have been happily married and there are many things that contribute to this. She was diagnosed Bi-Polar and also diagnosed Post Traumatic Stress. The latter related to how her mother treated her as a child (violence and yes her mother and other two siblings are affected with BPD or heavy Anxiety). I came from a loving nurturing family, but really never learned how to stand up for myself because as a family we looked out for and helped each other.

So my wife has an anger and control issue. Even before we were married she acted these out on me or in ways that confused me so. I kept working to do things to make her happy and to try anything to keep ahead of issues. Mostly trying to stay ahead, because when things would not go her way, she would spin anything and everything into the topic and I could not keep up with the spinning vortex of belitteling comments. She has attempted suicide and has acted out physically against me. Bitten once because I was going to call 911 when she said she took all of her meds (which I believe was a controling lie), and slapped and punched in the face while my daughter of 6 yrd old at the time was sitting in my lap. The last one I did call the police on because I had regreted not documenting any of the earlier episodes. In my life with her I could do no right in her words, but everyone else called me superman for doing what I was doing. I am the emotional parent to my daughter as I have done all the nurturing since birth. My wife said she was afraid of hurting her (which may be real). I have so enjoyed and loved attending to bathes and playground and bike rides and reading to her every single night since she was born. I would awake every morning and get her ready for daycare and now Catholic Grade School. I would drop her off and pick her up as my wife never found the time or desire to keep the commitment. I would make supper and play and put her down every night. My wife would wander in at various times from her job after 6 to 8pm and at times later. She would demand supper or that I talk to her on her cell on her 45 minute commute. My job suffered as I could not put the proper hours and focus in. But I was ok because my daughter needed someone and I loved her and loved doing it. She would not go to counseling as needed and usually did not take her meds as prescribed. We went to Marriage Counseling even before our daughter was born and continued with other counselers. My wife keeps changing her own Therapist and I read this is common for people with BPD. I started therapy because I thought it may help and have seen about three different ones (my wife recommended I go). My therapy appointments (daughter in tow to them all) are basicly sanity checking for me with them saying it is not me and that I am ok.

I became very active in my daughters school and joined the PTO and was asked on to the School Board as well.

So here is the issue, I met and believe I have fallen in love with another woman. It has been over one year now. I feel what I never felt in my live before which I believe is a very true love. Unconditional in that I have been through many things with the OW. I know it is not all about escape and fun. We share religous faith and it too is an incredible bond. I have spoken to priests about my situation and am perplexed that they have not told me to run like hell from the evil of the OW. I only get feedback that I have done right in trying to help my wife and that I am doing my penance on earth. I do not question the validity of the OW and that she loves me, but wonder if it is somewhat a Fantasy Love for one or both of us.

My trouble is that I have tried to stop with the OW since last October when she lied to me about some things about another guy. We worked through it. I tried to leave in November when she told me more about another guy. I was basically being sandwiched with 2 other gents for her attention. I have tried to stop so many times as I go through other negative emotional things with the OW as I find various things from her past that she leaves around.

We have already pledged futures in conversation with the hope of me finding my strength to break up a marriage that was over long ago.

I am at an odd crossroads and with a foot in each boat fear that I will be in the water alone. I have talked to Lawyers and my therapist about divorce. My one fear is not having my daughter in my physical custody. I have been told that even with the OW involved that the court would look at it as the marriage was over long ago. She has not nurtured daughter and a GAL would find that from daughter. She has a huge medical background against her. She has domestic violence against her on record. She is not a nice person. She is like a black cloud. My daughter fears her and does not like when she around and the same goes for me.

I lack strength, balls, support, finances to do this. I say to myself that if she strikes out again, I will have the will and backing to do it.

I do love the OW, but question her long range future. The OW that I deeply love and feel she loves me back right now may be holding me from divorcing because I can escape to her. I have stuck by them both in tough times, but I dont seem to be able to act. I know running to the OW is hurting my daughter too because she does not like being with her mother. I know I just need to do the right thing for everyones sake, but do not know how.

Feedback would be appreciated.

[a4a]

Maybe this OW looks so attractive because your W is so awful....

 

Divorce your W. Take your kid get rid of this OW that is playing you like a fiddle.

 

Worry about you and your daughter - your TRUE LOVE is your daughter!

 

Your daughter does not need to be raised in an abuse household nor does she need a new Mom with serious issues.

 

YOU and YOUR DAUGHTER are now the most important things.

 

Women will come and go....

 

Get your act together, do what is right for your daughter and this "love" thing is not important. Your honor and your daughter are...... she deserves more and so do you.

 

Your lack of balls is going to effect your daughter for the rest of her life.... grow some now, man up, and don't even bother with the lovey dovey OW crap right now..... last thing you need..... get your Shiot together then meet a nice women who isn't playing the field that can be a good role model for your daughter.

[RealityCheck]

Maybe this OW looks so attractive because your W is so awful....

 

Divorce your W. Take your kid get rid of this OW that is playing you like a fiddle.

 

Worry about you and your daughter - your TRUE LOVE is your daughter!

 

Your daughter does not need to be raised in an abuse household nor does she need a new Mom with serious issues.

 

YOU and YOUR DAUGHTER are now the most important things.

 

Women will come and go....

 

Get your act together, do what is right for your daughter and this "love" thing is not important. Your honor and your daughter are...... she deserves more and so do you.

 

Your lack of balls is going to effect your daughter for the rest of her life.... grow some now, man up, and don't even bother with the lovey dovey OW crap right now..... last thing you need..... get your Shiot together then meet a nice women who isn't playing the field that can be a good role model for your daughter.

 

Damn good advice! Addressed every issue beautifully!

 

My opinion....what a4a said!:bunny:

[whichwayisup]

My one fear is not having my daughter in my physical custody.

 

Fact that your wife is mentally ill, unstable, and has done the things you've described in your post - I doubt very much the courts would allow her full custody. Keep a record of ALL things that have happened.

 

As for your OW - Well, since you are married, she has her own life and honestly you can't ask her to NOT to see other people when you are still married. Fact that your wife hasn't a clue about your OW, you've been lying to her, betraying her - Your OW is doing the same to you - Excluding you from knowing that she has afew other men on the side as well.

 

Until you are FULLY ready to make a committment to the OW, you can't TELL her to NOT see other men.

 

Involving another woman into your life right now isn't a quick fix to your problems, it's an escape. You have SO MUCH going on between your child, step children, and your mentally ill wife...Having an affair ontop of all that isn't going to make your life any easier, it will just make it more stressed and more confusing.

 

Get some counselling for yourself, and ENCOURAGE your wife to seek therapy, be on meds and support her. BE a loving father, the secure and safe parent as your daughter needs that...Depression, BP and all that it brings is an awful thing for those who are affected by it.

 

Good advice by a4a as well, so please, take into consideration what's been said to you on your thread.

[Impudent Oyster]

My one fear is not having my daughter in my physical custody. .

 

If what you've said about your wife is true, why is this a fear? No way will she get preference of custody over you, so this is NOT a reasonable objection. It's a non-issue. This is not a valid deterrent to ending your marriage.

 

Now, what's the real reason you're afraid of leaving your wife? And please, try to take the OW out of the equation. Pretend you never met her, do you still want out of the marriage? Did you want out before you met her?

 

If the answer is yes, then get a divorce and then, and only then, begin a new relationship.

[frannie]

I would agree with pretty much all the answers you've had so far. Your first concern has to be for your daughter. So get good advice on how custody of her is likely to go in the event of a divorce.

 

I'm wondering what it is that's stopping you from really breaking things off with your OW? If you're seriously concerned about divorcing and setting up home to take care of your daughter, then you don't need an ongoing off-on relationship with someone who isn't necessarily totally committed to you (or trustworthy..? What are the things you've uncovered about her past..?).

 

On the other hand, as WWIU said, your OW is single, and owes you no fidelity given that you're still married. Though I would have thought being open with you about her choice to date others would have been more honest.

[scaredinlove]

Hello,

 

 

 

I lack strength, balls, support, finances to do this. I say to myself that if she strikes out again, I will have the will and backing to do it.

I do love the OW, but question her long range future. The OW that I deeply love and feel she loves me back right now may be holding me from divorcing because I can escape to her. I have stuck by them both in tough times, but I dont seem to be able to act. I know running to the OW is hurting my daughter too because she does not like being with her mother. I know I just need to do the right thing for everyones sake, but do not know how.

Feedback would be appreciated.

 

 

When i left my H i also had a lack of "balls", finances and so on. I was afraind of standing alone. I jumped out hoping something would caught me. I caught myself and a yr later here I am happy, and much health than before. Wheever you have to go thru during your diverce process cannot be worse than what you have lived so far.

Forgt about fears or anything else.

 

Think of your daughther she deserves a decent house, your W is not good for her. I was also afraid that I would lose my kids, all those fears are very normal.

 

Now that I am sitting here own the other side I ask my self " what took me so long to make the move?"...

 

Good luck...

[scaredinlove]

And one more thing...

 

I don't think you are chosing btween two woman, althought it may seem like that. You are actually chosing btween staying in a unhappy abusive relationship or starting a new life.

 

You also said you have no support, but before you said that people said they don't know how you do it. They are basically saying they support you if you move out of this situation.

 

You are in the fog now and think you are selfish, reading your post i thought you are anything but selfish.

 

Good luck.

[whichwayisup]

Now that I am sitting here own the other side I ask my self " what took me so long to make the move?"...

 

But, would you eventually have left your husband even if you didn't have the MM in your life?

 

Dealing with a depression/bipolar spouse is hard enough, throw an OW into the mix, your life will be alot harder. BEFORE you do anything, you must get your wife on meds and even if you DO split up, do your best to stay friends, be supportive - but from afar. She needs therapy badly and needs to work through this depression and try to get better, atleast functional.

[scaredinlove]

But, would you eventually have left your husband even if you didn't have the MM in your life?

 

.

 

 

I would have left maye a little longer but I would. It seems to me that he is in a similar situation. For all he described here.I think the affair is helping him realise that he wants to be happy and that he could be happy. So he is comparing ne situation to another.

 

Back then i was confused too, like he is now. Looking from where i am now , the whole situation had nothing to do with MM. It had to do with me leaving a imposible marriage. MM was the force the made the process more dinamic.

 

So Like I said before he is not chosing between two woman , but btw being happy or unhappy. He may not see it now, like I didn't... If he realises what his real choice is than he won't be feeling selfish or paralized by fear.

[Chuckles84]

By simply reading the OP and no replies I would say leave your marriage. Why stay with someone who is so abusive towards you both physically and verbally? And the fact that your own daughter is afraid of her is just icing to the cake! If not for yourself then leave for your daughter's sake.

[on_my_way_out]

It certainly is as said not a choice of who is best. I lost care and respect over the years of how my wife treated people close to her. She wanted nothing to do with her own daughter. I love all I have been able to do and the bond my daughter and I have. In the OW, I have found I can be myself again and not be judged at everything I do. I am just stuck in the scared spot over the change and what it will do to my daughters life. Yes, the court systems worry me because no matter how good you think your case is and that I have Medical history and Domestic violence history and documented non involvement against my W, it comes down to one judges decision if it gets uggly. Over the years my W has thrown out that she would make my life a "living hell" if we split.

The OW thing happened and no matter what her faults may be, I love her and care for her. It is in that which makes it hard to just walk away from her too. I know in doing so I will loose her. So it is difficult.

Hence my troubles with one foot in each boat.

I know there are people out there that support me, but no immediate family members to lean on within 1400 miles. The do support me in doing what is right and being happy whatever it takes.

To answer an earlier thread, I know the OW owes me no fidelity, but had told me she would stand by me and wait and help me during the process. My issue was that when I asked her about some things, she lied to me. It is a matter of honesty and trust. When I asked her about this other male friend (an ex lover) that she was still seeing, she lied about several things. If she was honest, I could have made a decision based on that. Instead I lost a trust foundation.

[woe_is_me]

My issue was that when I asked her about some things, she lied to me. It is a matter of honesty and trust. When I asked her about this other male friend (an ex lover) that she was still seeing, she lied about several things. If she was honest, I could have made a decision based on that. Instead I lost a trust foundation.

 

This smacks of double standards just a little

 

If you were in your OWs' life in a proper caring and nurturing way.. then you might have some idea of what she's actually doing...

 

You can't be in two places at once yanno!

[on_my_way_out]

This I know about being in two places and if fully engaged in it that there would be no issue with other people. I am understanding of that. The trust issue is that if you love and truely care for that person, you tell them even the tough answers when they ask. The lies have not been exclusively about current events or other guys.

I know I need to just end things with the OW and deal with the closing of the W too for mine and my daughters sake.

Not as easy said as done however and that is why I am here.

Thank you all for your feedback.

[woe_is_me]

I know I need to just end things with the OW and deal with the closing of the W too for mine and my daughters sake.

 

oh gee..what a surprise *rolls eyes*

[corey.the.star]

After reading a post that you left on my thread, OMWO, I searched and found this post. I'm glad I did, because I think I can maybe offer you some insightful information.

 

Your situation sounds very similar to my MM's situation - the primary difference being that his wife has never sought help and has no formal diagnosis, nor is she taking medication. Because of my experience and education in the field of human services, I am confident making this leap even though I've never met her.

 

My MM has very recently left his wife (close to 1 month ago) and is now living with his mother, but very near to his wife so he can visit his children. He fled the relationship because he had reached his limit as far as being abused and needed to remove himself from the situation. Up until yesterday the children (3) were living with her, because he is the primary breadwinner and works an odd shift that makes daycare an issue, and also because she would not allow him access to the children.

 

I met my MM when he was 'separated' from his wife - that is, she had thrown him out of his house, but he was still living in the house, in a separate 1 bdrm apartment, so he could maintain as much contact with the children as possible. Obviously this situation was not ideal for anyone involved, and ultimately, he decided he needed to give things one more try before finally deciding to end his marriage.

 

My role in all of this was a place for him to escape to, and I know that now, and part of me knew that at the time. When he made this decision, we had to go NC as it was very difficult for both of us - we had talked about having a future together, and had become very emotionally involved with one another during our time together.

 

Almost as soon as he decided to leave, he contacted me. Coincidentally, I was in the midst of a failing relationship, and so we renewed contact and have been involved since then.

 

I am aware that I am an escape mechanism to him again, and I'm ok with that. I am fully open-eyed in this situation.

 

How this relates to your situation is simple, and as follows.

 

Throughout our relationship, my MM and I were as honest with one another as we could be. And he was honest with his wife as well. When they were separated, she knew that he was seeing someone else, and he even went as far as to tell her that he loved me (when she asked). The only time I felt deceived was when he revealed to me that he was giving his marriage one last try, but this deception was a direct result of him having been deceptive with himself. Or unsure. Or something. But I didn't feel like it was malicious or duplicitous at all.

 

I encourage you to be as honest with your wife as you are with your OW as you are with yourself. Whatever that looks like for you. I can't offer you specific advice, because you know your situation better than anyone here, and you're ultimately the one who needs to live with the consequences of your actions.

 

Situations like these are messy, and people are bound to get hurt, no matter what. It's unavoidable. I usually try to minimize the amount of hurt with honesty and respect - for myself and for the others involved in the situation.

 

I have new information to post on my own thread that you might find interesting, but I felt compelled to come here and post my thoughts on YOUR situation.

 

No one has the right to bring you down or try to make you feel bad about the choices you've made - you're human, just like the rest of us. Realistically, you're dealing with a hellish situation, and because of gender bias, the fact that you're being abused, as a man, by your wife, has been glossed over in this thread and the importance of that has been undercut. If you were woman seeking to escape from an abusive husband, the thread would have taken a different direction entirely, I'm sure.

 

There are groups out there who work in the intersts of people in your situation. It sounds to me like you're ready to make a move, and you've made a decision, and you just lack the knowledge you need in order to do so. There are people who can and will help you.

 

If your OW is someone who can and will help you through this, I think this could be an important thing for you as well. If you and she can be honest with one another, it could be a beneficial relationship for all involved, whether it ends in you and she sharing a life together or not. If the things that have happened between the two of you don't allow a friendship or a support system to exist, then weigh the benefits of being with her and decide accordingly what to do. It is vital, however, that you have a support system when you're doing the leaving, whatever that looks like for you.

 

Hope I've helped you to feel supported, at least... that's what this forum is about - support - right? Not about passing judgement on people, but about helping them to make the best decisions moving forward, which is all any of us really can do?