luvstarved Posted September 13, 2007 Posted September 13, 2007 Anyone have any experience with this "spy technique"? I do not think that my H is actively in an affair but perhaps thinking of one, but more importantly, just not talking to me in any meaningful way about OUR relationship. I have to go out of town for a few days soon and I do know that my H tells his mother EVERYTHING so I was hoping that through this method I could get the information I need to know whether I should try to work things out with him or go ahead and pursue a divorce. I just want to know what he really thinks about our marriage, if his issues are just the way he is and he actually loves me or if he is just using me. We had a big blowup the other day and I got SOOOOO frustrated that I said I wanted a divorce. He paused and said you'd really better think about it, then paused again and said, could I have the house, then a little later he adored me and begged me not to think about divorce. I don't know what the f**k the guy wants but his intentions make all the difference to me. I just want to know how he really feels so that I can know whether it is worth continuing with my efforts... So I was wondering if anyone had suggestions on how to use this technique. I am going to be gone for 3 days and wanted something voice activated that would be able to record for that long being left alone... Thanks.
Art_Critic Posted September 13, 2007 Posted September 13, 2007 If you think your husband is NOT cheating then I don't think you have a right to tape his conversations with his Mom.. I think in most states only you can tape your own conversation with your husband.. but you cannot tape someone else's without their knowledge Your husband deserves his privacy..and also has a legal right to it.. I think you will be breaking the law here. I think also you are crossing the line and also think maybe you need some counseling.. That being said.. A digital recorder ( small and handheld ) used to be carried by RadioShack.. They use Micro tapes and only tape when sound is heard then they start taping.. You can also get corded microphones for them so you could hide the unit say under a couch and put the microphone in the cushions.. I used one with a phone attachment when I was going thru a divorce and recording conversations concerning her behavior.. I worked great.. I would like to add that when I used one I was told by my attorney to use one.. I do believe that what you are about to attempt is illegal in most states and you could be criminally liable for your actions.
Citizen Erased Posted September 13, 2007 Posted September 13, 2007 Not to mention, the likelihood of it being found is high, and this will without a doubt cause a divorce.
Author luvstarved Posted September 13, 2007 Author Posted September 13, 2007 I have no intention of trying to use anything against him. I only want to know whether I am wasting my time here. If I do not get this information somehow I am going to leave anyway. It boils down to whether he tells her he loves me and wants to be with me, or starts discussing divorce strategies with her. They are a team. There is no fidelity in this marriage. He may not be screwing around, yet, but he refuses to talk to me about anything. We have been in counseling a long time already. The counselor tells him repeatedly that he is blatantly abusive, and unable to communicate. Yet my H hears this as me being those things and whenever I try to tell him anything about the way he comes across, I am describing MY issues not his and need to "look in the mirror" because HE is not the problem. He has made SOME improvements and shown me glimmers of hope, but gradually keeps retreating to these ways. If I thought that he really loved me and just needed more help and support then I am here. If I found out that he was just stringing me along until he could come up with a new plan, then I would just get out NOW. It may sound as though I am trying to gather evidence AGAINST him, it is more the pathetic reverse of me hoping to find out that he really does love me. Either way, I have been wrestling with this for 11 long years and I just want the truth and don't much care at this point how I get it. I have no intention of trying to use anything against him in court or anything like that.
a4a Posted September 13, 2007 Posted September 13, 2007 Maybe he wants to make sure his Mommy loves him and he does that by telling her things that make her want to help him and continue to be his Mommy. Luv, Is this really worth all this? How much do you think you can change him?
Citizen Erased Posted September 13, 2007 Posted September 13, 2007 Do you actually still love this man? After the crap he has put you through for more then a decade, are you still actually in love with him?
Author luvstarved Posted September 13, 2007 Author Posted September 13, 2007 Do you actually still love this man? After the crap he has put you through for more then a decade, are you still actually in love with him? No I am not. But I am madly in love with the man I thought he was, thought he could become and has always thought himself to be. I am in love with the man who is buried beneath his fear.
Citizen Erased Posted September 13, 2007 Posted September 13, 2007 No I am not. But I am madly in love with the man I thought he was, thought he could become and has always thought himself to be. I am in love with the man who is buried beneath his fear. You can't sustain a relationship on an illusion. He has shown you time and time again he will never change. He isn't willing to.
Ladyjane14 Posted September 13, 2007 Posted September 13, 2007 I'm in agreement with Art. If you had reason to believe he was cheating, that would be one thing. Cheaters generally lie until they're caught red-handed, and of course, you can't fight what you can't see. But in observation of those who've gone before you and busted into their spouse's email, etc... they aren't usually happy with what they find. Venting to friends and family members is commonplace when there's strife in the marriage. Oftentimes, that's all it is too... just "venting". But when you TAKE a person's private thoughts, rather than waiting for them to be GIVEN to you... they're generally taken out of context. Spying on your mate is a breach of trust. If you don't have a superlative reason for 'going there', a truly legitimate cause... then you're becoming someone you probably don't want to be in committing this kind of betrayal.
Author luvstarved Posted September 13, 2007 Author Posted September 13, 2007 OK well I do feel justified I admit it. He went 7 years telling me life was grand while avoiding sex with me, saying that he didn't really need it and was happy without it. Finally he told me that I just wasn't "nice enough" to him to deserve sex and I found he had a rich life of porn and masturbation. Meanwhile he is telling his mommy the truth. He also told me that he consulted a lawyer privately some years ago about getting a divorce. All this while telling me he adored me and life was beautiful. Meanwhile he is telling his mommy the truth. He tells me one day that I am the love of his life and make him happier than he has ever been and the next that he has gone above and beyond to tolerate me and that no other man would have done it. When he is caught in lies, he at first justifies them, and then later on denies that they ever occurred. In between all of this, he is reliable, loyal, fun to be with, a doting dad to his own daughter, and affectionate in his own way... He seems to hate me until I threaten him and then he is totally different. I am far from perfect but I am just flummoxed by this behavior. I believe that given all the past lies and some of his recent behavior (suddenly being more willing to take daughter to doctor, fill out her paperwork, etc...the external "good parent" thing, along with seeming to emotionally detach from me even further and a lot of conversations that suddenly stop when I enter the house), that he is plotting a divorce and rallying his resources with Mom to try to slam it to me. I want to believe that is not true but I suspect it and want to protect myself if this is how things are. I could spend big money on a private eye or lawyer to give me the right to know the truth about my own husband. I was just trying to keep it simple. Probably the simplest thing is just to leave, but I admit that part of me still hopes we can work it out, and a meaner part of me DOES resent the idea of losing the financial security that I have invested in with him, although that is not a dealmaker by any means... I UNDERSTAND venting and would not hold that against him at all, "she makes me crazy sometimes, she's so this or that" blah blah blah. What I need to know are his INTENTIONS. You know what? I am just frustrated and feel alone and am flat out of other ideas.
Ladyjane14 Posted September 13, 2007 Posted September 13, 2007 I believe that given all the past lies and some of his recent behavior..(snip).. that he is plotting a divorce and rallying his resources with Mom to try to slam it to me. Would it really make a difference if you knew he was planning something like that? You'd end up just as divorced as if you hadn't, wouldn't you? First, I don't think there's much to be gained that can't also be gained by a "hoping for the best but preparing for the worst" strategy. And second, if you're THAT unhappy with the marriage, why not just go ahead and file?
Natural Cat Posted September 13, 2007 Posted September 13, 2007 To your original question - Google digital voice recorders. There are small ones that can be attached to a phone jack that automatically activate with a dial tone (outgoing) or if the phone rings (incoming). They have plenty of recording time, but might be short on battery life. Not all phone jacks are visible, nor necessarily inside your residence.
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