coffee_addict Posted September 13, 2007 Posted September 13, 2007 Hey, ive been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 months now, ive been out with him before for 1.5 months before we broke it off. Hes head over heels for me, and i know he loves me - ive wanted to say it some times, but changed to 'like' instead because its a big thing saying i love you. we started saying it to each other, but then i realised that i just dont feel that way, and he understood that it was scary for me (its my first relationship) and now we dont say it to each other coz he knows ill get freaked out if we do lol Anyway, the problem i have is that, im just less enthusiastic about this relationship that he is, im not in love with him yet, and im worried because he is in love with me, so theres a gap of how we both feel. My question is: How long does it take to fall in love? I know theres not an official timeline, but surely after a certain period of time you should go 'ok im still not in love with him' and then to break it off. 3 months since you started going out? 6 Months? 9 Months? A Year? Help please lol, im worrying and i really need to not be worrying lol, so any help or guidance would be great thankyou all x x x x
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 13, 2007 Posted September 13, 2007 The sooner you break it off the better. If you aren't feeling it now, chances are you won't any time in the future either. All you will feel is an increasing amount of guilt for how you don't feel. Falling in love is not something that you gradually do. You can grow to love someone over time, but falling in love is a biochemical rush that can be as instantaneous and powerful as a lightening strike. I guess you have to ask yourself this: do you want to stay in this one sided relationship - starting from practically nothing emotionally and grow to love him, or do you want to find someone who blows you right out of your shoes and that you are crazy about, and have that deepen into love? You take a chance either way, though. Sometimes when you start with nothing, it won't grow into anything, and sometimes when you fall madly in love, it can wear off and become nothing as well. You can't control the end point, but you can decide for yourself what you want the beginning point to be.
lovelorcet Posted September 13, 2007 Posted September 13, 2007 Break it off now... If it hasn't happened yet I doubt it will really change and it is not fair to your bf. Let him find someone who can actually return his love.
Author coffee_addict Posted September 13, 2007 Author Posted September 13, 2007 lol u know when you wish youd never asked something im moving away the day after tomorrow to go back to uni, and i sort of wanted to see how i felt when i was back up there. the thing is, i dont want to break it off, and i do care for him so much, i feel like saying right now, that i DO love him, but not madly head over heels for him love. i think ive been in love before with one of my best friends, and this is different, and im just all a bit confused. are u not allowed to just see how stuff goes lol? i mean i know im gonna be upset 2moro when i have to say bye to him, and i know i will miss him when im away, does that not count for something? i really dont want to just give up and break it off bah life confuses me i dont like it :(:(:(
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 13, 2007 Posted September 13, 2007 There is nothing wrong with seeing how it goes - just don't mislead your guy, and everything should go ok. I think if it were my guy feeling this way about me (or NOT feeling, as it were) I would want to know about it so that I could decide for myself whether to stay with someone who isn't sure they love me or not.
Tony T Posted September 13, 2007 Posted September 13, 2007 There is no such thing as "falling in love" right away. That's infatuation. There is also no such thing as scheduling such an event. It can happen in six months, a year or never. It's a decision YOU make, not something that magically happens. It's the decision that this person you are with has all the elements that demand an extraordinary amount of respect and commitment. There are couples, many who were friends, who grew in love over years. I'd much rather grow than fall anyday! To think that you can date somebody for three months and break it off if you "aren't in love" is nuts. You may never, ever feel fireworks for anybody...some people never achieve that. Love is a LOT more than fireworks and the fireworks don't last anyway for most people. If you find someone you get along with, have respect for, communicate well with, have fun with, have lots in common with, etc. you've found gold. Give it time, the love will be there. Maybe it won't be the nuclear explosion variety but that crap gives a LOT of expectations anyway that most people can't live up to over time. You aren't ready for a long term relationship if you have these kinds of expectations. Oh, yes, most of us are love junkies and want to feel that "in love" high...at least once. But some people just never get there. You may be one of them...and if you are you're pretty luck because you can evaluate relationships on much more sound and rational criteria. But you won't do it walking away from nice situations.
Author coffee_addict Posted September 13, 2007 Author Posted September 13, 2007 thanks again guys lucrezia: my boyfriend is of the type who will say 'if you dont give it a chance then it cant happen' i.e. if i told him i wasnt really in love with him just yet and that it would might be some thing that would grow over time, he'd rather take that option than we break up and then it doesnt happen at all, so im trying to be honest with him without hurting his feelings. tony: with my best friend who i loved, i knew him as a friend and then one day i realised i felt really strongly about him, and i think it was infatuation/obsession, and i had the explosive feelings and whatnot, but he didnt even have them back in the slightest lol. i do all of the things you mentioned with my boyfriend (communicate well, get along, have fun, share interests) etc and i really dont think i am ready for a long term, serious relationship, as im still finding everything scary and new lol. i'll just see how it goes, i think it becoming long distance and how i feel when im away will tell me a lot. im supposed to be packing for moving the day after tomorrow but it doesnt seem to be happening lol, oops! x x x x
Cobra_X30 Posted September 13, 2007 Posted September 13, 2007 Hi Coffee, I think the problem is that he is more into you than you really want. I dont really understand why this is. People never appreciate the things that they have or the things that come easy. You will start to get a better feeling for this once you go off to the uni! If your feelings for him grow stronger... that means he was making you feel smothered! Also, please bear in mind that you may not be over your unrequited love! Thats going to cause a mental tug of war! Best of Luck with the UNI!
Author coffee_addict Posted September 13, 2007 Author Posted September 13, 2007 i think im just a confused, messed up person lol, i did feel a bit smothered, but at the same time i liked having someone like me that much, although it does scare me! no-one can like me that much...surely its not normal lol..... i think i might not be over my unrequited love, but i tell you, since ive been with my boyfriend i dont even think about my friend that much, i think about my boyfriend and how great he is and er lol mental tug of war? i dont like the sound of that at all........how do u mean exactly? x x x x
Cobra_X30 Posted September 13, 2007 Posted September 13, 2007 LOL... I know you guys really like each other! Why does BF like me? Why didnt X like me? Do I deserve that love? .... ect. When someone rejects you it takes some time to get over that. It puts doubts in your mind... it tends to push you towards the one who rejects you... and away from those that love you. In fact it makes that love scary and hard to understand.
Author coffee_addict Posted September 13, 2007 Author Posted September 13, 2007 so true cobra! even though my friend didnt love me like i loved him, i kept going back for more rejection and hurt, because....well i dont know why. i just couldnt let go of him, and even now theres still a little place in my heart for him i guess, maybe there always will be. anyhoo, im just a bit scared someone is in love with me, and that i dont love him back, i want to run away and hide lol. i guess you can just get on with someone, have fun and share interests, maybe i just need some space and time. just gotta concentrate on being happy, having fun, pushing all these doubts away and not feeling guilty coz i dont feel a certain way yet lol. and i *still* havent packed! uh oh....
Luthatdude Posted September 14, 2007 Posted September 14, 2007 In a way everyone made some valid points. I felt the same way, like the girl i was into wasnt into me as much but it all comes down to situations. She wasnt over her ex and i wasnt getting 100% what i wanted no matter how much i felt we were hitting it off, she just wasnt ready. In your situation its not like your battling with something else, your available emotionally which means he just might not be doing it for u. On the other hand, hes giving to much away, hes not making u persue him. In a way, to keep people interested u have to play the game. Things have more value when u have to work for them, in any situation. No matter how broken hearted i am i dont run after people when i have so much to offer. This guy needs to realize that. Thats the way i look at it.
Recommended Posts