hurt&lost Posted September 13, 2007 Posted September 13, 2007 i am new this forum and apologise if i am posting in the wrong place. please let know and i will move the post. i just broke up with my bf 5 days ago. to be more precised, he dumped me after i caught him red handed sleeping with another woman. i'm still in shock and a lot of pain. i have talked to several gfs but nothing is helping. please give me some advice. our relationship has always been stormy, yet he is the only bf i've felt to be the one, the one whose kids i want. i am not very experienced, i only had 2 other bfs before this (one was a 9 year relationship), my old exes all treated me very well. i have tolerated more from this man than any others, yet he doesn't want me. why am i not good enough for him? i met him 2 years ago and he came after me actively. we quarrelled alot but always made up, he brings out so many emotions in me that i was terrified initially, now i am used to them. he had planned to bring me out for a nice dinner and movie on saturday night. sat morning, i went over to his place as he wasn't picking up my calls and i was worried he missed his work. (he told me he would be home at 3 - 4am in the morning due to work entertainment). i walked in using the keys he gave me and saw enough to know. i asked him quietly to ask her to leave and he did. but i had to leave the house first. after she left, he told me that he didn't love me anymore since jan this year. i found out that he had only met her the night before and he did not love her, nor did he intend to see her again. he assured me that this was the first time in 2 years. please help me. i am in so much pain. i miss him badly and want him back. yet logically i know that once a guy cheats on a girl, he will do it again. i am devastated to find out that he stopped loving me so many months back and that he slept with a girl that he doesn't love. if he had slept with a woman he loved and hurt me in the process, it would be less painful. i know he is not good for me but i hurt so much. please help.
ebonyjade Posted September 13, 2007 Posted September 13, 2007 hey chick, I am really sorry for what this ass has done to you... he sounds a right idiot but you really can't help who you fall in love to. If it this was me i would go into anger mode.... rub his number off get rid of all his s h i t and do not call him I think on here they call it no contact... do it ... the pain will be ultra massive and u will hurt.. put on a front and smile wen you feel like crying. Your probably wanting to know all the deatils as most girls do wen they have been cheated on, it plays round and round in your head believe me i know... it's ok to to think about this but do not ask him for answers or get friends to he sounds like he would pretty much tell u how it is and not spare any thoughts for your feelings. Good luck chick and this website will help you tonnes xx
Author hurt&lost Posted September 14, 2007 Author Posted September 14, 2007 i am not angry with him at all. i should be, but there is not anger. just alot of pain and tears. if he calls me back today, i will try to work things out in this relationship. my gf thinks i'm crazy to even consider it. i am not sane nor logical in this relationship, and i know it. NC is supposed to be for ourselves, i am trying nc but truth be told, i am trying it cos i hope he will call me. this is day 6 for me and i've slipped up twice. i called him on day 2 and day 3. both days he didn't pick up the phone, so i followed by sending a neutral sms. he answered neutrally to both. (i asked him to please call me when he is free. he said he will. the second one i asked when is a good time to call. he asked me what's i want to talk about and that he was late to a meeting) how long do most people take to truly recover and be able to think back with no pain and no bitterness?
Trialbyfire Posted September 14, 2007 Posted September 14, 2007 Why aren't angry? Do you feel you deserve being treated like this? Do you feel you deserve being cheated on? Here's a guy that's cheated on you, then tells you he hasn't been in love with you since January but has been sleeping with you for 8+ months because.... Wake up. This guy's a snake oil salesman. Out of curiosity, has he also been eroding on your self-esteem at all?
Travis L Posted September 14, 2007 Posted September 14, 2007 .... if he calls me back today, i will try to work things out in this relationship. my gf thinks i'm crazy to even consider it. i am not sane nor logical in this relationship, and i know it.... Holy crap-ola... Hey, at least you are being honest with yourself and those reading... Firstly, he says he has only cheated once (and you believe him) but realistically this was the first....the first one he got caught with... Run, not walk, to the nearest clinic and get checked out for STD's... You're thinking you want HIM back but have you thought that maybe you just are hurt by the fact that he found you to be not good enough for him (YOU ARE TOO GOOD FOR HIM). Your self-esteem is in the toilet and you have been rejected by the person you thought to be the ONE.. Look, you're not CRAZY for wanting him back... We want those who are hard to get...and this fish is one fish you should be damn glad that you can't catch. 'Cuz you'll end up catching a whole lot more heartache, disappointment, and STD's... Now, it is very clear that you need to work on your self-esteem... Read these boards, get busy, go out with friends, do things that you couldn't do while you were tied down!! It's not easy...it's HARD!!! There is, however, a light at the end of the tunnel.. You just need to get out of the fog and that will take time and proactively seeking to learn and improve yourself! It was his choice to stick his man unit in another woman/women... It sucks, but it's better that you learned this now rather than 5 kids and a wedding ring later!
Author hurt&lost Posted September 14, 2007 Author Posted September 14, 2007 thank you for replying Trialbyfire i don't feel angry, i guess i was expecting it. in our earlier happier days, he told me that he was always moving from girls to girls. he said i was the only one that made it past month 1 since he divorced. maybe cos i was the only one who made it past many months before giving in sexually. hence, it was something at the back of my mind all the time. when he asked me to be his gf proper, i made him promise me that he would tell me to my face if things were not working out. i did not want to have to guess from his diminishing phone calls etc. i guess he doesn't remember that promise.
Author hurt&lost Posted September 14, 2007 Author Posted September 14, 2007 Travis L, 1) i asked him in his face, is this the first time or has there been others? please don't lie to me now cos this concerns my health. do i need to get checked? he told me NO, this was the first time in 2 years. in fact, there has been many opportunities and he never took it. he has 3 other women (other than the one he just met and slept with) interested in him but he didn't do anything. gf thinks i'm stupid to believe him. yet i want to. this is a man i've shared my life with for 2 years. even if he doesn't love me, there should be some care and concern left. STD is not a joke, and he doesn't like to use protection. i asked him twice. he insisted there was absolutely no need. i wasn't even shouting at him, so i guess i don't see why a guy would lie in such circumstances. 2) i've never gone after a guy before. this one burst into my life. sometimes i'm still in shock. i did tell him that i wasn't the type of girls who could pick up the pieces and just walk. some people can have a good time and leave with a wave. i can't do that. i am still good friends with each of my ex boyfriends, i can still call on them for help. i'm not sure if i want him cos he is hard to get. i believe i want him back because i love him very very much and also because he has been everything to me for 2 years. suddenly, i am all alone again. maybe it is the fear of loneliness. i guess time will tell. 3) thank you for giving me your advice. i will look around the forum and read up more. if there are any specific posts you can recommend, please do. thank you
ebonyjade Posted September 14, 2007 Posted September 14, 2007 u will get better its the age old story of time.... then eventually finding someone new and better and then looking back and thinking why did i waste so much time on that p r i c k .... just takes time hon ebs xx
Travis L Posted September 14, 2007 Posted September 14, 2007 gf thinks i'm stupid to believe him. yet i want to. this is a man i've shared my life with for 2 years. even if he doesn't love me, there should be some care and concern left. STD is not a joke, and he doesn't like to use protection. i asked him twice. he insisted there was absolutely no need. i wasn't even shouting at him, so i guess i don't see why a guy would lie in such circumstances. One reason why a guy would lie in this situation is to save face. He's already looking like an ass and he doesn't want you going postal on him. If he had the [lack of] heart to cheat on you once, he has the [lack of] heart to lie about doing it before, as well. He has shown you his level of honesty by shacking up with another... Don't take his word, go get checked out! I know you WANT to believe him but you cannot...sorry! some people can have a good time and leave with a wave. i can't do that. i am still good friends with each of my ex boyfriends, i can still call on them for help. i'm not sure if i want him cos he is hard to get. i believe i want him back because i love him very very much and also because he has been everything to me for 2 years. suddenly, i am all alone again. maybe it is the fear of loneliness. i guess time will tell. I, as well, cannot just give up and move on... That is why I am here! Honey, you loved the man you thought he was...that man is long gone!!!! He left in January and probably sooner! In your heart, you know that the man you thought he was is no longer the man that he actually is! Being alone in the first few weeks (or months) after being hurt/left by a loved one is SOOOO hard. I got out of a 4 year relationship 3 months ago. We didn't have keys to each other's place...we lived together for all 4 years. To go from spending every day and night with someone to none at all is beyond words... It does get better with time!!! You didn't choose this path but it is the path that has been given to you... It is now your choice of how you proceed... Maintain your self-respect! He will lose all respect for you if you just let him waltz his way back into your life after committing one of the ultimate relationship sins. If you don't have self-respect, he sure as hell won't either!
Trialbyfire Posted September 14, 2007 Posted September 14, 2007 thank you for replying Trialbyfire i don't feel angry, i guess i was expecting it. in our earlier happier days, he told me that he was always moving from girls to girls. he said i was the only one that made it past month 1 since he divorced. maybe cos i was the only one who made it past many months before giving in sexually. hence, it was something at the back of my mind all the time. when he asked me to be his gf proper, i made him promise me that he would tell me to my face if things were not working out. i did not want to have to guess from his diminishing phone calls etc. i guess he doesn't remember that promise. So his past behaviour is an acceptable way for you to be treated, especially when he agreed...no PROMISED...that he wouldn't play these games with you?
Author hurt&lost Posted September 17, 2007 Author Posted September 17, 2007 after 8 days, he called me up. i know i'm silly, but i'm delirious with joy. he didn't apologise outright. instead he said that i shouldn't let him loose, cos he will break many hearts. i told him that i didn't let him loose, he cut himself loose. besides, right now, i only care about my own heart. my gfs are sick of hearing me cry over him. like everyone else here, i've been surviving on a couple of hours of sleep daily. surprisingly, i still had a sleepless night. i do not know what to do. the pain is all gone, i'm feeling super happy and smiling at everyone i meet. yet i know this will not last. i don't want to go through what i did the past week. i don't have the guts. i am afraid to walk and afraid to stay.
ebonyjade Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 Its like if you stay with him and things become **** then you will look bak and say i wish i finished it back then... however if you leave him now you may look back and say what if...... Hummm i have always said i would rather regret something i did then something i didn't do... men are such hard work I so so hope it works out for you chic keep us posted xx
Trialbyfire Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 after 8 days, he called me up. i know i'm silly, but i'm delirious with joy. he didn't apologise outright. instead he said that i shouldn't let him loose, cos he will break many hearts. i told him that i didn't let him loose, he cut himself loose. besides, right now, i only care about my own heart. my gfs are sick of hearing me cry over him. like everyone else here, i've been surviving on a couple of hours of sleep daily. surprisingly, i still had a sleepless night. i do not know what to do. the pain is all gone, i'm feeling super happy and smiling at everyone i meet. yet i know this will not last. i don't want to go through what i did the past week. i don't have the guts. i am afraid to walk and afraid to stay. Don't be dependent on someone else for your happiness. If he's not enriching your life, you need to turn around three times, each time denouncing his control over your person. Upon completion, you will have legally detached yourself from the umbilical cord.
Author hurt&lost Posted September 18, 2007 Author Posted September 18, 2007 he called me again at night. i think i'm ridiculous. for one whole week, i'm crying myself to sleep and begging any Gods out there to give me a second shot with him. Now he is kinda back, i'm not so sure. My thoughts 1) during the calls each night. i can hear incoming calls - spaced about 10 mins apart. he doesnt take those calls. i can just SEE myself being the caller. i used to call and call and have no reply. he would say he is sleeping etc. before the breakup, there was no such thing. 2) i can ask him to buy new bedsheets, but is there a point? how do i know i will be the only one using them? 3) when i put the phone down on him ( both nights i'm the one to say bye first), my thought was is he going to pick up her call after? what is he doing now? i have forgiven him but i do not know if i can forget. i do not know if i can stop being paranoid. i know if i ask him, it will irrirate him. if he is not already fooling around still, it would just "force" him into fooling around. please, what are your views? i love him very much.
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