How do you know when the fat lady is singing?

[Mustang Sally]

Alright, I will open a new thread because I was, unfortunately, taking over SSOB's thread because it struck a chord with me. (And thanks again to FiC and EY for their helpful sharing on that thread.)

 

Anyone who has pertinent insight or similar experiences (successes or failures), please contribute.

 

My story is posted, albeit in a somewhat piecemeal fashion, all around on LS, and is, as are most, lengthy and cumbersome. I won't repeat it all here. The cliff notes version (with necessary details to be supplied upon request):

 

I am in marriage ambivalence.

I have been here around 5 years or so, give or take a few. I have been married a total of 13 yrs.

 

I thought it was just a "dry spell" for several years, and took steps (wining/dining, sexing it up, increasing expectations, decreasing expectations, and yes, some whining, too, and everything else the self-help section suggested) to try to curb the growing dissatisfaction I have with M and H.

 

I asked H for a separation about 6 months ago, which he did not grant me. I agreed to give it (him) one more year. He has done much better with his issues in the M, to give appropriate credit where due, but I still suffer from (now) apathy. This attitude change (from hurt, anger, and sadness - in short, CARING - to apathy) has occured over the last 3-4 years, in retrospect.

 

H is not a "bad guy." He has had some pretty significant issues (apathy, emotional isolation, unwillingness to participate in keeping up the home/parenting the kids, etc.) and we have had every variation on the sex-in-marriage can-o-worms (he wants it/I don't, I want it/he doesn't, etc...) in addition.

 

To be absolutely truthful, I have found him just plain NOT attractive to me for at least half our marriage...to the point that sometimes him touching me makes me feel nauseated. I thought this was just a passing phase (me having some sort of stupid hangup - why? I don't have a clue) and have thrown myself even harder (no pun intended) into the sexual side of our M for the last several years. It hasn't helped yet. He is not unattractive, and in the last 6 months has gotten into fantastic shape. He is a little hard body. But it doesn't seem to matter in my mind.

 

I have found myself attracted to another person I work with the last couple of years, but have not crossed any tangible lines (no sexy emails, no sharing of marriage woes, no physical relationship). Still, I am extremely troubled by the fact that I have thoughts of leaving my M, and this other person (grass is greener syndrome - I know) doesn't help my thoughts, despite the fact that I would not get involved in another R before wrapping up the first one as I know no healthy R could start out that way.

 

I have viewed the fact that I am attracted to this other person as a symptom of my M's sickness, not the cause of it. Because the M troubles started well before I developed the attraction. Certainly, this attraction now does it's own share to impede my process of reconciliation with my H - I am VERY aware of that. I fought it for awhile, but now I wonder if this is telling me it may be time to call it quits with H? He deserves to get on with his life if I can't get my mindset back to a constructive place with him and our M...

 

And I have a growing feeling of resignation that our M is now in the "friend" phase and will not ever come out of it - not sure if that is because it actually isn't possible or because I won't let it. I feel like it may not even matter, because in the end, a dead M is still dead, no matter why.

 

The thought of living out my years in such a R makes me feel hopeless and sad. I want more than that! (I admit it...but don't know if I deserve it...)

 

So I wonder (as I stated in SSOB's thread) when do you know it's time to call it quits?

If my M (and my attitude) is/are going to recover from this (i.e. it's just a "dry spell") then how damn long is this going to continue? When can I expect the cloudy skies to start clearing up? Why have my last several years of effort been in vain?

What obvious thing have I been missing in my quest to "GET OVER MYSELF" and go back to being happy and satisfied with H and M?

Or am I just a narcissist that would find fault with anything/anyone and will never find (or deserve to be) happy/ness? (Just shoot me now....)

 

Fire away....

[tinke]

have you verbalized these thoughts of discontent to your H. as of late?

[Blackfrost]

Agree with tinke, voice these opinions to your husband. If he's not a complete knucklehead, he's already well aware of where this marriage is, and might surprise you, by wanting to end this as well.

[IamASelfishSOB]

OK, now I'm going to hijack your thread.

 

I have found myself attracted to another person I work with the last couple of years, but have not crossed any tangible lines (no sexy emails, no sharing of marriage woes, no physical relationship). Still, I am extremely troubled by the fact that I have thoughts of leaving my M, and this other person (grass is greener syndrome - I know) doesn't help my thoughts, despite the fact that I would not get involved in another R before wrapping up the first one as I know no healthy R could start out that way.

 

I have viewed the fact that I am attracted to this other person as a symptom of my M's sickness, not the cause of it. Because the M troubles started well before I developed the attraction. Certainly, this attraction now does it's own share to impede my process of reconciliation with my H - I am VERY aware of that. I fought it for awhile, but now I wonder if this is telling me it may be time to call it quits with H? He deserves to get on with his life if I can't get my mindset back to a constructive place with him and our M...

 

I don't recall being as unhappy with my marriage as I am since the OW started showing serious interest in me. I don't know the nature of your relationship with this guy, but as I have found out, my doubts really multiplied when the greener grass was held up to my mouth. Don't underestimate this.... but what do I know?

[redfathom]

Well you did ask for a seperation, so I assume you talked about some if not all the issues. I would find it hard to tell H you are not attracted to him.

 

I am in a similar boat, I guess. We did sperate for a month in Feb. When I went back home I was not and sometimes wonder now if I am attracted to my H. I actually posted on here about that a month ago. I also feel like we can't get our timing right, sex is about 2-3 a month and sways from one person and reason to another as to why it is so far and few between. On some levels I am okay with it, on the other hand it speaks volumes about the current state and maybe fate of my M and therefore I seek it for comforting reasons.

 

If I am cuddly, H is not and visa versa. I posted two days ago about these two guys, mainly one, that seem to like and I get very excited at the thought of seeing them. Maybe it is a crush. Yet I know that it's bad for my marriage to focus my energies on someone else. You don't find him attractive because you don't respect him. I can relate to the reasons why: sex, my H does not support me and my likes/hobbies/dreams, he does not take care of much house work yet is critical of what I do around the house, he rarely has a kind word when I cook dinner, etc. Yet, he is also a good man and I wish I could make him happy and that he could make me happy and I would say 70% of the time we are.

 

Try to think of the reasons you fell in love in the first place and see if you can bring those our in each other again.

 

Good luck, sorry I could not help.

[whichwayisup]

I'm agreeing with everyone else - Lay it all out on the line. Tell him how you feel, and go from there.

[EmotionallyYours]

First off MS... thanks for starting this thread. I will hijack as well. It is what I DO... right ookla and SOB? Plus...this is the topic that plagues my brain CONTINUALLY.

 

I think you have described exactly what so many of us feel. We have good, decent husbands that really haven't done anything "wrong" to deserve us leaving them. Divorce is what you do when H is abusive, horrible, or even *gasp* an a55hole. Our husbands are none of those things... so we are the bad ones for not wanting them.

 

My husband is a really good person and completely dotes on our children. He is very moralistically black and white. He goes by the church's teachings and is the perfect Republican. His primary interests are news, books on the war in the Middle East and he loves to surf youtube for funny videos and internet sites for "cute" pet pictures. If you need someone to small talk with your Grandmother at a party... he is your man. He spends hours talking to his family on the phone about the antics of his nieces and nephews and their pets. He does WAY more housework than I do!! HOWEVER... It's like... sure everyone loves Mr. Rogers... but would you want to be married to him?

 

He really does try. He even makes half-decent sexual innuendo remarks now and has half-heartedly tried to "spank" me while we are having sex...lol...but it is not HIM. He can't even look me in the eye when we make love. It is too intimate? Now I can't look him in the eye either. He is trying to do what I want him to do and it never quite works. I WANT to be attracted to him. I tried fantasizing about "fictional" men and scenarios to get excited and it works... but I always HAVE to do it now. I can't get turned on without it. I want to get turned on from the man who is actually IN my bed!

 

So, I have stuck it out and worked my butt off to try to get to a point where I'm happy in my marriage. It "kind of" works, but never for very long. Instead of always trying to have fun and living life to the fullest... I find myself getting depressed and being miserable because of the despair I feel. I will never have passion in a relationship ever again. I crave PASSION...

 

I KNOW that passion isn't supposed to last forever in a relationship... but it is at least in a person. You can still have passion for that chocolate that you can only get in that specialty store at the mall. You can have passion for the company that you are starting. You can have passion for playing music. You can have passion for sex. I just don't think he is capable of those types of feelings and he does not even understand them.

 

The answer is simple. Just end the relationship! I just CAN'T do it though!! He is such a stabilizing force in my children's lives. He shows them love and protects them the best he can. How can I do that to the person they love so much. Don't you get mad when someone hurts a person you love? You would especially hate a person who did this for no "apparent" reason. Yes, I have my reasons. However, they are not reasons that you can explain to children their age. Why are their parents who don't even really fight... getting a divorce? Why does Mom want this terrible thing that will disrupt their world? I can't do it.

 

However... I still want the passion... and the OM is right there waiting to give it if I just ask. He has passion for just about everything and tells you about it in detail. Beautiful details that makes you share in it. He knows that we work great together and always have fun together. We are like minded and love to fight with each other about anything and everything. He loves to get a rise out of me... to fuel my passion... BUT... He isn't SURE how I feel. He won't go out of the limb for fear of losing a friend and getting a wounded pride. BUT... if I just confirm what he already suspects... he will give me what I want.

(I think :sick:...?)

 

So now what?

[Cobra_X30]

I am in marriage ambivalence.

I have been here around 5 years or so, give or take a few. I have been married a total of 13 yrs.

 

Ultimately it comes down to forgiveness. Your husband will never overcome the mistakes of he has made in your marriage if you cannot forgive them. Even the smallest pebble of annoyance will build over time to become a raging avalanche. All Men are imperfect. Accept them flaws and all, or forever be bitter with them.

 

If he has chosen to commit to a change, then the choice is yours. Forgive and work together towards a mutual goal, or walk and find someone with a clean slate that you can learn to forgive.

 

If you were not attracted to this other man it would force you to make that decision. As long as you have this fantasy man built in your head it will allow you to hold those things you are unwilling to forgive against your husband. The man you know will never be able to compete with the fantasy one in your head.

 

I will say some men are not worthy of forgiveness... if this is the case, then walk... and forgive him later... for you... for any children you have!

 

You will have to make a tough choice someday... maybe soon. I wish you the best of luck!

[Cobra_X30]

I KNOW that passion isn't supposed to last forever in a relationship... but it is at least in a person. You can still have passion for that chocolate that you can only get in that specialty store at the mall. You can have passion for the company that you are starting. You can have passion for playing music. You can have passion for sex. I just don't think he is capable of those types of feelings and he does not even understand them.

 

From personal experience.... I would very much doubt this is the case. You either fail to see or he is not sharing his passion with you. I believe that it is there. Perhaps his passions lie in different directions than yours. Is there so little you enjoy in common?

[Trialbyfire]

MS, regardless of the outcome after the year is up, you need to give it your best shot up to the year. It was your commitment to your husband.

 

Beyond the year, I'm not the biggest proponent of staying in an unhappy marriage for the rest of your life. If the temptation is too great to cheat and nothing can come out of your relationship, get the divorce.

[VIP]

He is very moralistically black and white. He goes by the church's teachings and is the perfect Republican. His primary interests are news, books on the war in the Middle East and he loves to surf youtube for funny videos and internet sites for "cute" pet pictures. If you need someone to small talk with your Grandmother at a party... he is your man. He spends hours talking to his family on the phone about the antics of his nieces and nephews and their pets. He does WAY more housework than I do!! HOWEVER... It's like... sure everyone loves Mr. Rogers... but would you want to be married to him?

 

Sounds like a boring person to me. Does he love you?

[Kasan]

I wonder if we all tend to over think our relationships. I think that it is necessary to sit down periodically with your partner and discuss yours and his expectations of the marriage because as you age your expectations change. What you expected in your first five years of marriage is certainly different in year ten. This is the perfect time for re-negotiation.

 

I think that there is tremendous pressure on marriages today via the media... to have it all. Women are better educated and are less likely to tolerate what was acceptable in the past. There is also pressure on women to have it all....and we as women know just how hard it is to have it all.

 

My yardstick for leaving my husband would be when the bad times out weighed the good. I know, just too simplistic.

[ookla_2]

Sally, you could be writing about my M as well. All I can do is empathize, because I am having the same feelings. I'm trying to overcome them, but sometimes I wonder if too much damage has been done in the past. Mostly I think that we (my H and I both) ended up with the wrong person. I want happiness....I want passion....I want excitement. I want it for him, too, though, and he gives me every indication that he gets it with me (I have my doubts). The attraction, for me, is not there. I never want to have sex with him (but I do, 2-3 times a week, for his sake, how messed up is that?), and I feel like if we were to split up, I would miss him as far as his friendship goes, but I truly don't know if I would miss being his wife or him being my husband. I knew marriage was tough. I dug in my heels and stuck out some pretty harsh times (the recent tough times caused by the EA were my doing, but the hard times over the previous 15 years were based on actions on his part), and I have often wondered at what point I would be "justified" in ending the M. Like EY, I just haven't been able to do it. But thinking about living the rest of my life feeling this way is so unappealing to me.

 

Anyone who wants to post negatively in response to this, please know....we are committed, married women who are trying to find help. We have all stated that we WANT to feel this way about our H's, we are simply trying to find a way to do that. We are not she-devils who are all about hurting the ones who love us. If that was the case, I'm sure each of us would have left a long time ago. So please, tough-love is fine, but no haters...

[VIP]

I think you need to understand, that we cannot always feel head over heels in love with our husbands. We get used to them, start taking them for granted. The same person cannot be exciting to us forever. But that is true for other men too. Everything new becomes old. Passion, love...isn't all this nothing but a romantic fairy-tale, a promise, that never comes true?

 

So what do we have after years of marriage? A reliable partner, someone who cares, who is committed to us, someone, with whom we feel secure and at peace. May be this is something to think about? Besides, this is a man we once fell in love with. There must have been something about him, that made us choose him over many others. It is still there, we simply don't notice it anymore.

[Mz. Pixie]

MS- I have been just where you are- 13 years and all.

 

Do not cross the line like I did, you will really regret it and have amazing guilt (although not at first).

 

If you guys have tried counseling and have explored all other avenues, why not just leave???

[Kasan]

since your first thread Ookla and I really don't understand this at all. Once again maybe too simplistic, but there is no way that I would want to be with someone who didn't care about me the same way that I cared about him.

 

I would never accept being someone's second best nor would I want my husband to accept being my second best.

 

I would never stay in a loveless marriage for the sake of the kids. You all loved your spouses dearly at one time....don't you owe it to them to let them go if you don't love them anymore? If there is nothing left?

 

To me this is about integrity and honesty--if it is simply this much work to stay married and you are unhappy then what can we possible tell you that you haven't told yourself? How can we help you find your way back to your marriage?

 

To become a martyr to your marriage is simply not fair to everyone involved. Everyone involved deserves better.

[Mustang Sally]

have you verbalized these thoughts of discontent to your H. as of late?

Yes, I have.

I did last night, after I posted this thread.

Prior to that, he and I had a "discussion" about 3 or 4 weeks ago that entailed most of this. It seems to crop up about every 1 to 2 months. I think we went 3 months without it coming up, once.

 

Apparently it's all me - not him. I am always the dissatisfied one at this point in the M, it seems. I know he must be too (duh! how could he not with me feeling the way I am?), but he is so in the "I will do anything/everything to work this out - please give me a chance" stage that he never lets on. At least, not anymore. Years ago, he definitely voiced unhappiness with our M. I guess now the tables have turned???

 

I have told him pretty much all my issues - even about the attraction to the other guy.

 

We had a long talk about attraction to others for both of us several months ago. I figured he gets hit on a lot at his work, and I was right. I figured he might have even done something about it at some point. Like I said in the other thread, though, I am beyond inciting a rage anymore about it if it had happened. In fact, sometimes I almost find myself wishing he had cheated! WTF is that all about? How screwed up could I get? Good Lord!

 

But, no. He says he has not, and I believe him. We may suck as a couple in a lot of ways, but being honest with each other is not one of them.

 

He said he had an experience where he went to a lady's house to help her with some handyman stuff (he works at a job several hours away from where we live, several days a week and then is home the other days) because her husband was out of town, and she had asked my H at work if he could come by after his shift before he left town to go home one day.

 

He said when he went over there, he didn't think anything of it, except he did know that she was an attractive gal, who flirts with him a bit, but he said he did NOT think anything about the "situation" until he got there. Then he said he immediately knew that she had "something else" in mind, so he made some lame excuse and ran like hell away from there (his almost verbatim description).

 

It didn't make me mad or jealous, hearing it. And I wasn't in the least surprised to hear that he had faced such a situation. He's the kind of guy just about any (sane) woman would dream of marrying. In fact, I felt disconnected from it (and him) personally, and just found it fascinating to hear his feelings about it and what had happened to him.

 

The only thing I have not told him about, as far as my issues go, is me finding sex with him horrible (meaning unpleasant, nauseating) at times (I know - I sound like a b*tch, but I'm just telling the absolute truth here...). And that is because, as RedFathom has stated, that is just too brutal for me to say to him. It would serve no constructive purpose, and I am not out to constantly hit him below the belt. So I have never described those negative sexual feelings to him.

[Mustang Sally]

I don't recall being as unhappy with my marriage as I am since the OW started showing serious interest in me. I don't know the nature of your relationship with this guy, but as I have found out, my doubts really multiplied when the greener grass was held up to my mouth. Don't underestimate this.... but what do I know?

Your point is well taken.

And I am trying to be very aware of that playing a role in my unhappiness with M. I freely acknowledge the Grass-is-Greener, and tell myself objectively that that sort of cloudy thinking is so completely foolish!

 

I have tried to have NC, of sorts with this guy. And I have limited my exposure to him as best I can. We used to be flirty with each other, I have cooled that waaaaay down the last few months in my actions. But in my mind, I still think about him. It's been a waxing/waning thing. I'll go for weeks where I don't think about him much or see him. Then I'll have a work situation where we interact more, and I'll think of him more.

You know, the usual.

 

But I'm trying to be very objective and NOT let it interfere unduly with the M issues. I really do know that I could NEVER start any kind of potentially successful R while still in another. And ultimately, I do not want a "fling" just for a "fling's" sake. Too high of a price to pay. Nothing but heartache at the end of that road....

I do know this.

[IamASelfishSOB]

This discussion brings up a thought that I have had for quite some time. Does anyone else find that there seems to be somewhat of an inverse relationship when it comes to the personalities of a couple. It seems that more often than not, a really outgoing and strong personality will be drawn to and marry someone who is submissive and unsociable and vice versa. You know, opposites attract. It seems like this is true more often than not.

 

A good friend of mine was married to a woman who was extremely controlling and a very strong personality. She could be a lot of fun and was physically attractive, but I knew that she would not be someone who I could be married to. He is a very low-key, patient, and somewhat submissive guy. I have always said to my wife that he is the only type of guy that would put up with her. She complained about his personality all of the time, however. She ended up cheating on him, because she wanted someone more like her, and they ended up getting a divorce. She is still single and that was about 8 years ago. I really don't think she will ever find someone that will be happy with her except for the type of person she already had. I believe she will either have to accept another person like my friend, or be destined to be single.

 

Now, this is not a commentary on any of the women in this thread, only an observation. This was an extreme inverse relationship, but I think it varies in degree. I see it in my marriage and in so many others. If I meet someone, male or female, I often get an idea of what their spouse may be like and more often than not it comes to pass.

 

I look at what I found attractive about the OW that I met and what I found so attractive about her were all of the qualities that were like mine. I envisioned what it may be like to actually live with her though, and I'm not so sure we would ever have a chance. Passionate and fun? Yes, but day to day life could be a chore.

 

In this thread I see Mr. Rogers married to someone who does not seem boring and straight-laced, but fun-loving and outgoing. In my marriage, my wife and I have very different strengths and in the "business" side of the marriage and sometimes the rest, this is a very good thing. I just wonder if in the end she is the closest thing to my perfect fit that I could be married to. Let's face it. Would the fun-loving, adventuresome, and somewhat irresponsible person that I would like to have be the responsible, frugle, and organized person that puts up with my faults? I need this person to survive during the times that I am not having fun adventures. My little tryst has made me wonder if such a person exists. I'm guessing that she would be very difficult to find.

 

Again, please don't take any of this post as a commentary on any of the women in this thread. Only rambling thoughts.

[Mustang Sally]

You don't find him attractive because you don't respect him.

I think you have hit a nail with that one.

There has been some sh*t that has happened between us during the last 5 or so years, that has to do with lifestyle (meaning socioeconomic lifestyle) choices that has really been a point of devision between the two of us. It had to do with a move and job changes and doing what we thought was "best for the children" at the time. I poured my heart and soul into all that. Basically lived like a single parent of four kids for 3-4 years, while working a high-stress, 60+ hour work week job and he was off doing "his thing" with his job....

 

I felt like he had totally checked out of the M and our family. (Now, thinking about THAT certainly DOES incite me to rage....) I think now, that I lost a lot of respect for him as a MAN during that time. Because in my opinion, he was acting like a CHILD during that stretch. Because he saw me struggling to keep our home together by myself and working and kids having trouble readjusting to new school/friends/routine/etc and me feeling (and probably being) totally inadequate as one person, to deal with all of them and their needs satisfactorily. And WHERE WAS HE? Running away to his JOB all the time! Because that was easier. And at his job, he is the "king." The one in control, that everyone looks up to and goes to for help.

 

Geez. Found a (still) raw nerve, I guess.

Hey - that's good, right? Some feeling is still there? There's still hope, right?

 

And yes, I have talked about all of the above with him. And he admitted that he did just that - ran for the sanctuary of his job when it got tough at home. And I have asked and asked him "Why did you do that?" And he hasn't yet given me an answer other than "I don't know."

[quankanne]

I think you need to understand, that we cannot always feel head over heels in love with our husbands. We get used to them, start taking them for granted. The same person cannot be exciting to us forever. But that is true for other men too. Everything new becomes old. Passion, love...isn't all this nothing but a romantic fairy-tale, a promise, that never comes true?

 

So what do we have after years of marriage? A reliable partner, someone who cares, who is committed to us, someone, with whom we feel secure and at peace. May be this is something to think about? Besides, this is a man we once fell in love with. There must have been something about him, that made us choose him over many others. It is still there, we simply don't notice it anymore.

 

great post. And some advice to help through those patches (or to at least really, *really* discern if your marriage is worth saving): Get thee to marriage counselling. Because for all the talking you to seem to do about your relationship (and that's a fantastic thing), it sounds like you're still failing to communicate your needs or your likes/dislikes. The other guy you mentioned in your first post ... well, he just sounds like a topical balm to what's bugging you, not a cure or solution, and I think you understand that deep down.

 

look, marriage can suck when it gets into ruts. Hell, after 15 years, I still wonder what it would be like if my life took a different turn, what it would take to act on fantasies of "showing" him that I'm still young and attractive and worthy of sex more often than it's doled out, what it would be like hooking back up with an ex, etc … then I get to thinking about what Dear Abby says: Am I better off with him or without him? And that's what keeps me grounded, knowing that for all his faults and mine, it actually works. The grass is always going to seem greener when you feel unhappy.

 

you can put these feelings of unease and dislike, etc, to work for you by letting them spur you into action. Get marriage counselling or enrichment; do everything in your power to help your marriage, so that *if* it ever gets to the point of leaving, you and he know that you've given it your best shot, and not bolt just because you're experiencing feelings of unhappiness.

[Kasan]

In this thread I see Mr. Rogers married to someone who does not seem boring and straight-laced, but fun-loving and outgoing. In my marriage, my wife and I have very different strengths and in the "business" side of the marriage and sometimes the rest, this is a very good thing. I just wonder if in the end she is the closest thing to my perfect fit that I could be married to. Let's face it. Would the fun-loving, adventuresome, and somewhat irresponsible person that I would like to have be the responsible, frugle, and organized person that puts up with my faults? I need this person to survive during the times that I am not having fun adventures. My little tryst has made me wonder if such a person exists. I'm guessing that she would be very difficult to find.

 

I think this is a great point...I wouldn't want to be married to a carbon copy of myself. Each person brings their own baggage and strengths into a marriage. Knowing my husband has actually made me a better person. I have learned much from him.

 

Are we alike? On the core values we are, but not personality wise.

[Mustang Sally]

The answer is simple. Just end the relationship! I just CAN'T do it though!! He is such a stabilizing force in my children's lives. He shows them love and protects them the best he can. How can I do that to the person they love so much. Don't you get mad when someone hurts a person you love? You would especially hate a person who did this for no "apparent" reason. Yes, I have my reasons. However, they are not reasons that you can explain to children their age. Why are their parents who don't even really fight... getting a divorce? Why does Mom want this terrible thing that will disrupt their world? I can't do it.

I am with you, sister.

If nothing else, I suppose maybe this is helpful to those of us in these situations because I finally know I am not alone! (And hopefully not crazy, either.....)

 

And I hear you about fantasizing about other men during sex.

But I want to feel that way about the man I'm with!

 

And NO. I'm not expecting teenage sex/love butterflies for 50 years straight. I'm not that naive. And I've already weathered a fair amount of storms through the 13 years of the M (16 total that we have been together) and I entered into this M knowing that it wouldn't all be roses and chocolates. (I wouldn't want that anyway...yeeech! Hate that contrived mushy stuff!)

 

But hell! How the f*ck do you end up where I (we) are? And how do you brainwash yourself into GETTING OVER IT?

 

I have been going on the "sheer willpower over the situation" mentality for too long now, and I'm wearing down...

However... I still want the passion... and the OM is right there waiting to give it if I just ask. He has passion for just about everything and tells you about it in detail. Beautiful details that makes you share in it. He knows that we work great together and always have fun together. We are like minded and love to fight with each other about anything and everything. He loves to get a rise out of me... to fuel my passion... BUT... He isn't SURE how I feel. He won't go out of the limb for fear of losing a friend and getting a wounded pride. BUT... if I just confirm what he already suspects... he will give me what I want.

(I think :sick:...?)

 

That's a tough one, EY.

I get what you are saying. Believe me.

But when faced with an opportunity to cross over the line, physically speaking, I ran from it. And that surprised me! Because I had thought that, given the real-life opportunity, I would say "F*ck it all!" and go for it! But when I was there - REALLY THERE - at the crossroads in REAL LIFE....I knew it would dishonor the OM, his wife and family, myself, my H, and my kids to cross it. And I didn't.

 

Funny thing, too.

After I was alone again (this happened on a business trip with OM and I), in my hotel room I just cried and cried! Like it would never stop.

For what? For the lost opportunity? For the wretch I felt I had (have) become? For my H and my M? I don't know.

[Mustang Sally]

Ultimately it comes down to forgiveness. Your husband will never overcome the mistakes of he has made in your marriage if you cannot forgive them. Even the smallest pebble of annoyance will build over time to become a raging avalanche. All Men are imperfect. Accept them flaws and all, or forever be bitter with them.

You are right.

I am trying.

[Mustang Sally]

MS, regardless of the outcome after the year is up, you need to give it your best shot up to the year. It was your commitment to your husband.

You are right, TBF.

I need to try harder.

It's only fair.

I've got to find a way to get over this "stinkin thinkin" that I have....