Insecurities...how do I get control?

[LoveLace]

This is waaayy long....sorry in advance...but any tips would help...

 

Me and my new boyfriend are totally into each other on all levels. But due to past experiences I'm getting worried that my own insecurities about losing someone will ruin it.

 

We live an hour and 1/2 a part so we talk on the phone more than once a day, usually. Yesterday at lunch, I told him I'd call after school last night. We say that we miss each other all the time but yesterday in particular I was missing him more than usual, don't know why though. I even texted him "Can't wait to talk later cuz I miss you soo much today!"... He does work a night shift, but for the most part he's able to pick up his cell or call me back pretty promptly. But when I called after school I got his VM which is fine and I left him a message around 9pm. By 10:30pm he still hadn't called so I tried his office which he claims is ok..but no answer there. The night before he had to get off the phone early cuz the charger didn't work. So I considered that maybe this was still the case.

 

But he had responded to my earlier text and said "I miss you, too, baby", so apparently his phone was working fine. This was the 1st time that he didn't call me back so quickly or at least text me that he got the message. I started to panic! Crazy, I know. But in the past I've heard some pretty outrageous excuses from guys who didn't return calls. I've been dumped without warning and just left in the cold. I figured well if I could talk to him about it I'd feel better. I sent him a text around 10:30 that I want to talk to him about something. He gets off around 11:00pm, and when he still didn't call by 11:40, I couldn't help myself and tried to call again but didn't leave a VM this time. He called back right away. By then I almost convinced myself that he was d*cking me for sure and just trying to drop me. It was a horrible feeling cuz I didn't know how to make it go away.

 

The conversation went well and I explained that I get nervous sometimes because of guys treating badly in the past. I explained that the happier I feel, the more my insecurities might show. He said "I'm glad to hear you are happy" and immediately knew I thought he would never call me back and I admitted to that. He explained that he has some insecurities too, because his Ex screwed him so bad. He said I deserve to be treated well and that he will never hurt me. He apologized and said he just had a lot to do at work earlier. And to my surprise, he said that when I had to talk to him about something, he worried I was going to say that I didn't want to see him anymore! Then we chatted a while as usual, and he said that he would call me sometime today just to say hi.

 

He called me while I was lunch today as he promised, but he was fooling with his guitar and playing with his cat, etc., and I only get so much time for lunch or whatever so it was brief, and almost pointless, even though we did talk some about our plans for the weekend. It just felt as though he was only doing it out of obligation to make me feel better which is fine...but here I am STILL worrying that I'll appear too insecure/needy for him. He said I don't seem that way at all; so why am I still worrying even though last night's talk made me feel better? Is it because he lives a little far away? Part of me worries he'll just meet someone "better"...which has happened to me before. Maybe it's normal...but how do I get control of insecurity before it controls me?!!! The guy calls me his future wife...and treats me like a queen...I don't wanna lose him because of my over-reacting over little things...

[LoveLace]

Thank you nabz...I will definitely check that out..I want to be good at this relationship thing!

[Cad Rake]

yeah sounds like you're letting past baggage screw with your head. Just relax, if you get too clingy you WILL push him away. So next time he is a little late in calling don't send him 52 text messages or call him a dozen times, just go out for a jog or something. And then when he does call act like nothing out of the ordinary is happening. Because in reality it hasn't, it's just your overactive imagination that thinks something bad is happening.

 

Also (and most women don't understand this), don't go discussing your "feelings" whenever he doesn't call on time or otherwise hurts you. Guys hate that crap, and it makes him feel like you're nagging him. That WILL push him away.

[Cad Rake]

I have seen and received so much great relationship advice lately from this new site, REALationship.com....It is great b/c they have so many different FREE relationship tests that address so many relevant issues, not only this but i can send tests to my girlfriend or friends and then once they take the test i can view their results...tricky, but cool....gotta check it out....www.REALationship.com ...They also got great articles and user Q and A that has some helpful things also...hope it helps.

 

this is spam

[roadwarrior]

Keep your insecurities in check or you'll drive him away.

 

Me for instance broke it off with my fiance because of her insecurities. I love her and still do but cant live like that. Every night I'd come home to banging my head against a cement wall.

 

Id didn't even want to come home. After work I'd veer left to the bar instead of going home just to avoid her. Not good.

[LoveLace]

yeah sounds like you're letting past baggage screw with your head. Just relax, if you get too clingy you WILL push him away. So next time he is a little late in calling don't send him 52 text messages or call him a dozen times, just go out for a jog or something. And then when he does call act like nothing out of the ordinary is happening. Because in reality it hasn't, it's just your overactive imagination that thinks something bad is happening.

 

Also (and most women don't understand this), don't go discussing your "feelings" whenever he doesn't call on time or otherwise hurts you. Guys hate that crap, and it makes him feel like you're nagging him. That WILL push him away.

 

I do feel much better about it after talking to him though. Now I just know not to panic about it anymore. And I told him to just call me when he's off work tonight, so until then I'm not going to contact him at all I swear! ...I don't think he thought I was nagging though...he said he was glad that I told him how I felt...

[Kamille]

It's awesome that he took the time to reassure you and even more awesome that he called the day after! Obligation? I think it's the sweetest cutest thing in the world! Don't spend a second feeling like he does things because he feels obligated. He does things because he cares for you.

 

Relationships are about building trust and he's proven he can be there for you even when your past makes you falter. This would be strenght enough for me not to falter for awhile.

[Saxis]

Then we chatted a while as usual, and he said that he would call me sometime today just to say hi.

 

He called me while I was lunch today as he promised, but he was fooling with his guitar and playing with his cat, etc., and I only get so much time for lunch or whatever so it was brief, and almost pointless, even though we did talk some about our plans for the weekend. It just felt as though he was only doing it out of obligation to make me feel better which is fine...

 

What I get out of this, is that he did exactly what he said he would do. Usually calling just to say Hi is pretty pointless, but it's almost always meaningful. At the very least, it should show that he was thinking about you. Doesn't sound like you really have much to worry about.

 

I like the suggestions already given. When you start to feel insecure, just find something to do for a while that you enjoy to take your mind off of it.

[Krytellan]

That is cool that he took the effort to reassure you. Sounds like he's emotionally mature. Regardless though, you really need to avoid things like...

 

The conversation went well and I explained that I get nervous sometimes because of guys treating badly in the past. I explained that the happier I feel, the more my insecurities might show.

 

Though it's great that you're honest, there is such a thing as too much information. Hearing this from someone just because I couldn't call them right away once would really kind of scare me. It comes off as clingy behavior and frankly, that's really not hot. Independence (even fake independence) is a very attractive quality. I never want to be with someone that I think I would devastate if I broke it off suddenly, make sense?

[norajane]

I sent him a text around 10:30 that I want to talk to him about something.

 

...

 

And to my surprise, he said that when I had to talk to him about something, he worried I was going to say that I didn't want to see him anymore

You do have this tendency to announce that 'we need to talk' instead of just bringing up the issue the next time you talk. I'd recommend eliminating that phrase from your vocabulary. Next time you need to talk to him, just wait until you are on the phone or are together, and just bring up the subject. It creates FAR LESS drama if you use that approach.

 

Next, I understand you have insecurities. Now you know that he does, too. Next time you start freaking out about something, remember how honest he was with you about having insecurities and GIVE HIM THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT. If he doesn't call you back right away, consider that, yeah, he might be busy and will call when he has time. It might also be good to temper your expectations. Not every phone call is going to be a deep, meaningful conversation, or full of romance - especially if you talk every single day!!!

 

Relax. Enjoy the roses without constantly picking through to find thorns.

[LoveLace]

Thanks everyone for such good feedback. I'm too much of a worry wart. Now I'm worried that I probably shouldn't have said too much...shouldn't have done this, shouldn't have done that...if he's taken time to think about it more since then, he might be starting to get weirded out for all I know. Last night he called when he got off work and left me a VM that he was hanging out with a buddy last night, but to call him if I got the message by this time; so I called him back and we talked a little about weekend plans; I said I wasn't sure if I'd stay with him Sunday night or not cuz I'd have to get up very early to get to work on time Monday. I said "then again it'd be easy for you to talk me into it cuz I always hate leaving you"....now I'm going OMG that probably sounded to needy. F*ck, I need to think before I speak...right after I said that he said "well I"m almost home now, so..." F*ck!!! I told him to have fun with his friend and he happily said thanks.

 

I'm wondering if I'm too insecure to even be trying this....with anyone...ever! I called him this morning and left him a "good morning" message cuz last time I did that he told me how much he loved it, cuz he loves to hear my voice, etc...but it sounded like he might hit that "ignore" button his phone this morning. I"m starting to feel like he's already not as excited to hear from me as he was before. I hope it's all in my head. But I'm constantly going to worry if I'm doing anything to drive him away, which makes me wonder if I should even be doing this, cuz I know that this could be detrimental to a relationship. Even after telling him my concerns he said "I think this relationship is only going to get better"...his optimism is wonderful...why can't I just listen to that and nothing else?

[LoveLace]

Ok just ignore me, I'm a freak! He called me back and just left me a message that he was in the shower when I called and can't wait to see me tomorrow, etc., I have nothing to worry about...of course knowing me that could change at anytime! I only want to think about how happy I am!

[Trialbyfire]

Relax and enjoy it LL.

 

I'm not much for blind trust. Take it slowly and easily, from all perspectives. Past experiences are useful, in that they temper caution. As long as they're not the dominating force in your relationship, it's all good.

 

From what you've posted about this guy, he seems to be one of the good guys, that his actions match his words.

[LoveLace]

I will remember that TBF, about past experiences...he's definitely one of the good guys YAY for me I feel like a giddy school girl..

[Trialbyfire]

he's definitely one of the good guys YAY for me I feel like a giddy school girl..

You go LL!!

[Kamille]

I'm wondering if I'm too insecure to even be trying this....with anyone...ever! I called him this morning and left him a "good morning" message cuz last time I did that he told me how much he loved it, cuz he loves to hear my voice, etc...but it sounded like he might hit that "ignore" button his phone this morning. I"m starting to feel like he's already not as excited to hear from me as he was before. I hope it's all in my head. But I'm constantly going to worry if I'm doing anything to drive him away, which makes me wonder if I should even be doing this, cuz I know that this could be detrimental to a relationship. Even after telling him my concerns he said "I think this relationship is only going to get better"...his optimism is wonderful...why can't I just listen to that and nothing else?

 

I find the best way to quell insecurity at the beginning of a relationship is to keep busy with other activities. Go to the gym more, go out for a drink with a friend (and not spend more then 5 minutes of the evening talking about my insecurities), read a good book, do something I've always been meaning to do but never have done before or even set myself a crazy deadline at work.

 

That way when I get back to thinking about the object of my affection, it's usually pure bliss. Not only that, but it helps me avoid the feeling that he might not be as enthusiastic because, after all, there is just sooo much going on in my life - how could he not be interested to speak to me?

 

Keeping busy also helps me keep things in perspective. I am glad to have someone in my life, but it helps me realize that he isn't what makes me me - I am. Does that make sense?

[LoveLace]

It definitely makes sense K-- the funny thing is that I have plenty keeping me busy -- I work full time and go to nursing school semi-full-time as well! I also do try and hit the gym a couple X a week. I don't even know how I've found the time to worry about things!

 

We talked at lunch today and we're both very excited because I'm going to stay with him all weekend starting tomorrow, and we have all kinds of plans together. He's even going with me to visit my grandmother (cuz she lives near him) which I think is pretty sweet of him...I also might even meet his parents which is kinda cool...then it will probably feel even more official ...found out he told my friend's husband "Thanks for introducing me to my future wife"!! Whoa!! ...seems pretty sure of himself...I think I'll manage to get over this little problem of mine fast enough...

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

Reading this pushes me away, and I'm not even in a relationship with you. Three calls and two text messages in less than three hours borders on really creepy. Most guys don't like to be smothered, but if yours does, that's cool, but it still doesn't make it healthy.

 

It sounds like you are trying to justify your insecurity--"guys have done bad things to me in the past" et cetera--if this guy is different than those other ones, what do you have to fear?

 

What you have to remember is that your insecurity is irrational--don't let it dominate your relationship now. I promise you, it will not work out well.

[LoveLace]

Reading this pushes me away, and I'm not even in a relationship with you. Three calls and two text messages in less than three hours borders on really creepy. Most guys don't like to be smothered, but if yours does, that's cool, but it still doesn't make it healthy.

 

It sounds like you are trying to justify your insecurity--"guys have done bad things to me in the past" et cetera--if this guy is different than those other ones, what do you have to fear?

 

What you have to remember is that your insecurity is irrational--don't let it dominate your relationship now. I promise you, it will not work out well.

 

 

Well since dating that was the only time I've ever contacted him more than once in a day. And the way I've been treated in the past DOES justify my insecurity. However the insecurity is only slight because I'm well aware that I have always deserved better. I had one moment of anxiety, which he did a very good job of settling; and he IS different than the others; I'm feeling so much better about the relationship now. If I ever have a moment like that again, I'll take everyone's advice from here and just put my attention to something else. But Marty said it himself, that after what his Ex did to him, there will always be somewhat of a "dark cloud" there no matter what. So we actually have that in common, just from different experiences. I don't think that anyone can be completely insecure-free 100%. I just have to learn how to deal with the small doses that are normal and recognize when it's insignificant. I was also very impressed with my ability to tell him how I felt, because communication with men has been a huge weakness for me before. And it helps that he's so understanding. It was good to learn that I dont have to be scared of saying what's on my mind. Yet I also know there are things better left unsaid.

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

If you believe your insecurity to be only "slight", why make an entire topic about it?

 

If I'm way off track here you may call me out on it, but I have the feeling you two have not been together very long, and in time you will learn--insecurity can be necessitated by situations, but it always starts in yourself. When you can build your self-confidence, you will find yourself much more confident in relationships too.

[LoveLace]

I called it "slight" because after my OP and after discussing the subject with him, I no longer think it's something to panic about, like I did a few days ago. It's just something to work through. I'm very confident and that's how I know that I deserve this guy. But who said confident people can't have moments of insecurity? And weather or not it comes from the outside or inside, it's a normal thing to occur from time to time, I don't care who ya are. I don't know anyone who can say they are 100% secure about every little thing. Maybe almost, but not quite. Anyhow my point was that I'm feeling a lot better about it after getting feedback here and from my BF. Sometimes I'll post about something in the heat of a moment and after calming down, I'll write from a different perspective....that's allowed, right?

[shockandawed]

Hey LL,

 

I just wanted to jump in and let you know I understand exactly how you feel...and this is coming from a 40 something male.

 

Since my breakup with my ex fiance last fall, I have dated quite a bit. During this time, I have only met three girls who were able to grab my heart. The first two..long conversations, couple of dates, etc.. then abruptly disappear. Vanish, poof...Never could figure out what happened, both seemed to really be into me and in both cases, we had went out more than once.

 

About three weeks ago, I met the third. Online and she lives about an hour and a half from here. Very smart, independent and we have a ton of similarities. We have talked on the phone nearly every day since and send a few texts back and forth as well. We have been together once. I went to her place, had a nice dinner and some wine and ended up staying. Nothing happened but it was a great weekend.

 

Last night was the first night we haven't spoken. We did exchange a couple of texts during the day, but she had said she would call in a bit and never did. She had a long day and traveled extensively for her job. I am sure she just crashed, but the insecurities came flying.

 

I used to never think of myself as insecure, but I guess the sudden vanishing of the other two has me expecting the same here. I know getting clingy will do nothing more than drive her away, but it is so hard to not go crazy. Especially knowing how rare it is to find someone who you really click with.

 

I do think with the distance and limited ability to spend time with each other, you do have to communicate more than usual. You also will have to plan ahead so it is hard to just wing it and be spontaneous. I don't know about you LL, but I hate waiting until the last minute to know what I am doing this weekend.

[LoveLace]

Thanks schockandawed..

 

Yea like some think explaining myself to him was too much but it isn't as though he lives right down the street (in that case I could have just done the ol' drive-by to see what's going on...ha ha...SO kidding)...I agree, LD relationships probably do require more in-depth or more frequent communication about things because so much interaction occurs over the phone, vs. in person. When your with them in person it's probably easier to feel secure about their committment to you; but LD relationships lack this privelage, a major reason why this type of Rshp can be stressful and difficult for people to maintain. So it's possible that my moment of panic was caused from this or from a combo of things. And also as you said, when you feel that you've finally found something so wonderful, of course the thought of losing it is not a pleasant one!

 

Good luck to you.