joke of a marriage

[myluck35]

I've posted before, during the early days of finding out about my husband, but not really the full story. I just couldnt come to pile it all on. Its been 3 weeks since I found out. Some days are ok. Other days like today, not so good. We're married 16 looong years. The first year was great. Dating was great. Then our first son came along and a new job for him and things went down the hill. Hes always worked very long hours and our son turned out to be a handful (ADHD). My husband was never a sexual person and the times Id turn to him early on in our marrriage, hed back away. He said he was tired, not in the mood. Once I even asked him if he was gay. I thought ok hes tired and moody. Well, it was hard. No touching really. No love. I met an old boyfriend and we kissed and well....things evolved. It was only sexual and it ended. I ended it and tried with my husband, again he refused me most of the time and the times he didnt......just didnt jive. The other parts of our lives were stressfull and we talked about divorce but our kid was so hard, tantrums and learning issues, the schools always calling. A real challenge and I was and am afraid to raise him alone. Years went on, and I got restless and found the internet. Another fling, I was so desperate for attention. I am not justifying my actions but I was so lonely. The stress of my now 2 kids, second with ADHD and being alone was too much. Again we discussed divorce and ruled it out because of the kids. It was never the right time. We said wed try but he was just so cold. We tried being together a few times but it was getting worst and worst. I just didnt pay attention to it. We had disagreements but mostly lived liked buddies. I found about about him and it should not have come as a surprise. What he had was a relationship for 8 years. He was sorry for not being able to give me affection. He doesnt want to leave the children and never planned to. He tried breaking it off with her and they couldnt. They have a connection he says. They are compatible. Well why couldnt he find this in me?????? We decided to let things just be and see what happens. Im hurt. Yes i did wrong. But im really hurt.