Maybe some of you read my thread on the infidelity forum

[NearlyThere]

You know what I love - The past few replies are what EXACTLY SO MANY OW complain about when they come here for advice. Each of you have been harsh, rude and angry towards Treatment and hey - He isn't YOUR MM, yet some of you are taking out your own frustrations and hurt on him. Now THAT is what I call double standard. You expect BS's to treat you well, and tell them "I am not your husband's OW, so don't vent your anger at me", yet many replies here can't show this guy the same respect that you all expect from BS's.

 

Well actually the thread was ok, till certain people on this forum started blaming it all on the OW as if the MM had no involvement in the whole debacle, then the MM was the all Mr Innocent and Mr Butterwouldnotmeltinmymouth, just because he said he was sorry he had hurt his W, then he called his OW a bitch and thats when the tone of the thread changed which is hardly surprising. Even then, only a couple of people said anything which might possibly be construed as harsh. Anyway, he asked for OW's opinions and he got them, maybe some peoples responses might, in fact, answer his question why his OW is acting like she is.

 

The fact is he does not want to own up to at least 50% responsibility for his own actions. Dont play with peoples emotions, then complain when you get caught in the aftermath. Also at the moment he is not even 100% sure who it is thats calling his phone at home.

 

As to the double standards, we all know they are rife over here.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Lordy, Ive just managed to read this thread...

 

The one thing BW's and OW have in common are MM and the lies, heartbreak, broken promises...how come on LS, art mimics life once again and MM's are the ones who escape blame with certain posters?

 

I bet OW only wants to call him up and say "You can take your crap "we're over" glass present and stick it up where the sun doesn't shine". (Lol, sorry, couldn't resist)

 

Treatment, stop attracting drama, change your number. How long will it last? Until you stop allowing OW to keep providing you with the ego-boost of being "stalked".

[Impudent Oyster]

I thought the woman who was stalking me was unusual. Instead it seems that there is a whole slew of women who think it's funny, who would have done it themselves, who think I should meet with her with my wife, who think I am automatically the one in the wrong.

 

I did not pursue the woman. I did not f*ck the woman. I did not kiss her, hold her hand, etc. Did I write some things I shouldn't? Yes. Did I give her a present? Yes. By the way I gave her the present. I didn't call it a birthday gift, she did. After that I thought of it as a birthday gift. But in my mind when I purchased it is was a goodbye gift. Did I tell her on the day I gave it to her that I was going to be ending the relationship? No. I was afraid to. So that's I'm sure another nail in the coffin you want to build me.

 

I.

 

I think this is VERY important.

 

Did treatment lead this woman on? Maybe, I don't think so but even if he did, what is her problem? Why won't she just accept the fact that he made a mistake, he DOESN'T want a relationship with her, he loves his wife and just stop harassing him?

 

Does she have even a shred of dignity?

 

Treatment, even though you told her it's over, she might need to hear it again. Judging from the responses you've received here apparently this woman is entitled to have the point driven home ad nauseum, and some people think her behavior isn't freakishly stalker-like.

 

Hey, it's news to me too, but what are you going to do?

[Impudent Oyster]

 

Treatment, stop attracting drama, change your number. How long will it last? Until you stop allowing OW to keep providing you with the ego-boost of being "stalked".

 

Yep. Very true. He wanted attention and he got it.

[target-d]

To the OP if you're still reading this thread. IMO, ignoring her, or changing your number is the best way to go. She will eventually get tired of calling.

 

To the others who've been reading and posting here. Has anyone gone through and read ONLY what the OP posted?

[Jinnah]

Yes, but she doesn't have the right to call him 20 times in day and pound him with emails. To me, that shows unstable and freaky behaviour. It isn't normal to call one person so many times in one day like that, over and over again. And, it doesn't matter HOW pissed off she is, she's freaking out and needs to stop harrassing him and his wife, otherwise she's gonna find a restraining order against her.

 

Agreed. She needs to find another way to handle her anger.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Agreed. She needs to find another way to handle her anger.

 

More crucially, so does he

[VIP]

He chose a vulnerable lonely woman to play his evil games with, as if his marriage is a license to abuse people. Is a married player more innocent than a single player? He holds his wife as a protective shield in front of him to justify his behaviour.

 

There is no law against screwing with people's lives, so her heartbreak is "her problem", as if it was not him who led her to believe he was serious about her. Then in the middle of this "romantic relationship" he ends it without any explanation. He didn't tell her that it was a game and he was simply having fun with her feelings. She still believes that her relationship was true, that there must have been some horrible mistake, that she simply must see him face to face to be able to find closure and move on.

 

He is very guilty, whether he thinks so or not. He thinks he can just get away with it, bringing misery into someone's life for his own selfish reasons. I don't feel sorry for the wife, because it's her conscious choice to stay with this coward and loser.

[vaguelette]

To the OP, you should have no surprise about the behaviour of this woman.

 

A woman who will behave so irrationally as to allow herself to become involved with a married man, is highly unlikely to become completely sane and rational once the affair is called to a halt.

[Impudent Oyster]

He chose a vulnerable lonely woman to play his evil games with, as if his marriage is a license to abuse people. Is a married player more innocent than a single player? .

 

I don't recall reading anything about this woman being lonely and vulnerable, or is that what you consider all single women to be?

 

No, a married player is not more innocent than a single player, but this guy is hardly a player, and even if he were single he still has the right to break off a relationship that he doesn't want, or to change his mind or to tell a woman that he's just not into her without her turning into a stalker. Do you disagree with that?

 

It happens everyday.

[VIP]

She must be vulnerable judging by her behaviour. If he is not into her, why play games? He said that he was pulling strings and that it was a game, so how is he not a player?

[Havn_a_life]

I think he needs to change his phone number, ignore the woman and if she refuses to leave him and his W alone, then continue to get the police actively involved.

This guy made a big mistake by even associating with this woman, and now he's paying for it, royally.

This woman is in need of some counselling or therapy and she has no right, by law, to harrass him and especially his W, no matter if he led her on or not.

I wouldn't put up with it, if I were the BW. I would most likely confront her, with my H and the authorities beside me. She'd get the picture then.

If Treatment had left his W for this woman, and his W had pulled the endless phone calls and harrassment this woman is, what would happen?

What would the OW do or expect Treatment to do in dealing with an irrational dumped W?

Any answers here?

[mourningMM]

EMOTIONAL AFFAIRS are real, they count, they damage. So here is my take on the situation, and some suggestions on appropriate responses.

 

The Married People who engage in an emotional affair, for some unknown reason feel VIRTUOUS that they didn't let it get physical instead of guilty for not honoring the whole vow. "Thought, Word, or Deed" cheating happens on any of those levels. If a Married Person has a problem COMMUNICATION with the spouse, and the committment to be honest are their only options if they are really going to be virtuous. A Married Person who has an affair is 100% responsible for their own actions AND any consequences of those actions. I think this guy needs to own the fact that he hurt his wife and he hurt this other woman...and that he owes them as human beings the closure they need.

 

The Other People who are caught in an EA sometimes feel that they are just supporting a friend....but if they are really friends, they should be pointing out that this married person should really be having the conversations, sharing the confidences, engaging in the flirtations, giving the attention and especially the presents to their spouse. Any other behavior on the part of an Other Person is just selfish. Occasionally an OP will be able to convince himself or herself that this is 'meant to be' and they are 'soul mates'...if that is true, walk away and after the divorce is final let the Married Person seek them out....But the OP who has been abandoned when the MP goes back to the BS is in a really difficult position because their hopes of a relationship have been false hopes; and it is even more difficult because they didn't really have the right to hope. I think this OW has no closure, still wants to hope that there is an opportunity. And his behavior is just plain rude...if they were friends, he should be able to walk up to her, with his wife, and APPOLOGIZE TO THE OW for having offered her something that was not his to give. His wife deserves to hear him tell that to this woman. And he deserves to feel just as much discomfort as he has earned by his behavior

 

The Betrayed Spouse, well, here is the issue, that person has a responsibility to actually pay attention to the nature and quality of their relationship. They should be realizing that their connection is damaged and needs repair. And they should be ready to support their Wandering Spouse in an honest effort ot reconcile. The problem is that trust, once broken is never quite the same. In this case, I think the wife has a responsibility to feel compassion for the woman who just had the rug pulled out from under her emotionally...h#ll, she should feel some empathy, since the same man just broke her heart too. But she should also realize that she has his committment, so she really needs to be secure. Standing by him, while he appologizes and admits that he was inappropriate would hopefully give her that sense of security.

 

Whoever said "better to have loved and lost" was an idiot.

[lovernotafighter]

 

Whoever said "better to have loved and lost" was an idiot.

 

I totally agree with you there

[Havn_a_life]

The Betrayed Spouse, well, here is the issue, that person has a responsibility to actually pay attention to the nature and quality of their relationship. They should be realizing that their connection is damaged and needs repair. And they should be ready to support their Wandering Spouse in an honest effort ot reconcile. The problem is that trust, once broken is never quite the same. In this case, I think the wife has a responsibility to feel compassion for the woman who just had the rug pulled out from under her emotionally...h#ll, she should feel some empathy, since the same man just broke her heart too. But she should also realize that she has his committment, so she really needs to be secure. Standing by him, while he appologizes and admits that he was inappropriate would hopefully give her that sense of security.

 

Don't agree with this statement! The BW doesn't have any responsibility to the OW at all. She didn't start the A, emotional or physical. She didn't condone it. She had no say in it at all.

No, sorry but I don't agree with you and your views that the BW should feel generous just because she got her H back and he was dishonest to the OW or led her on.

He also led his W on. Shouldn't the OW owe the BW the consideration as well?

The OW is actively bothering not only the MM but his W. Does the BW deserve the harrassment from the OW just because of her H's stupidity in associating with the OW emotionally ?

I doubt it!

[silktricks]

He chose a vulnerable lonely woman to play his evil games with

where did you get that she was a vulnerable lonely woman, or are you just assuming that only a vulnerable lonely woman would be having a relationship with a MM?

 

Then in the middle of this "romantic relationship" he ends it without any explanation.

And where did this come from? How do you know it was "in the middle"? what makes something "in the middle" and what makes it "at the end"? The people involved. It was obviously "at the end" since it was ended. And why do you assume he ended it without explanation? I assume that he did give an explanation when he called her to end it. I haven't re-read both threads, but I thought in one of them that he told her he and his wife had re-connected. Isn't that an explanation?

She still believes that her relationship was true, that there must have been some horrible mistake, that she simply must see him face to face to be able to find closure and move on.

then why did she refuse to see him when he offered to meet with her face to face? Maybe she was shy?

 

I don't feel sorry for the wife, because it's her conscious choice to stay with this coward and loser.

Ahhhh, come on, tell the truth. You don't feel sorry for the wife because she's the wife.

 

Men break up with women and women with men every damn day, and the dumpees just go on with their lives. If this was a wife that was pulling this stuff towards an OW and MM your tone would be waaayyyyy different. Don't you feel just the tiniest bit ridiculous?

[silktricks]

In this case, I think the wife has a responsibility to feel compassion for the woman who just had the rug pulled out from under her emotionally...h#ll, she should feel some empathy, since the same man just broke her heart too. But she should also realize that she has his committment, so she really needs to be secure. Standing by him, while he appologizes and admits that he was inappropriate would hopefully give her that sense of security.

 

I think I would truly like to throw up. The WIFE has a responsibility to feel compassion for the OW?????

 

What about the OW's responsibility to leave the married people alone so they can heal? Or maybe the OW's responsibility to feel compassion for the wife who's just found out her husband has been playing around on the side? Or better yet, the OW's responsibility to not play around with someone who's married? Nah, I didn't think you'd agree with that!

[Havn_a_life]

I would say the BW had the rug pulled out from under her alot harder, since she's spent way more yrs with her H. She knows this man, or thought she did.

I don't believe for one minute the OW is going through the same emotions that the BW is.

I think there's some kind of imbalance there on the OW's part and she needs help. If this wasn't so, she wouldn't be stalking and threatening this couple.

[whichwayisup]

I think there's some kind of imbalance there on the OW's part and she needs help. If this wasn't so, she wouldn't be stalking and threatening this couple.

 

Very true. There is NO way one can compare less than a year of flirting, to years of marriage. That's just INSANE!

 

And, this OW was NOT lonely and vunerable. Apparently he isn't her first MM she's gone after.

[mourningMM]

Whoever winds up with a MP get a cheater, and has to realize that trusting that person has got more risk than trusting someone who has no history of cheating.

 

Regardless of who winds up with the MP, my view is that the OP and the BS have lots in common. I'm not saying that a BS has to like the OP, accept the OP, be friends with the OP after an affair ends...I am saying that there is healing in having compassion for the person who is abandoned. After a long time or after a short time...and for acknowledging that that person has feelings.

 

Now I'm not saying that the person gets a free pass on immoral behavior. The OP must be held accountable for decisions. But let's face it this is about love, attention, affection...the difference is that a married person also has the vow, the promise of forever.

 

I'm saying that there is a certain level of closure that can only happen once people acknowledge their responsibility for the impact of their actions on others emotional (and sometimes physical, mental, and spiritual) well-being.

 

Or maybe it is just me. Read my posts, I've ridden both sides of the fence...and I am a person whether I'm the BS or the OW. I felt the same sense of loss for my MM when he died (out of my control) as for my EX when he left me for an OW. Abandonment is tough.

 

My thought here is ...this sounds like a person who has pain. I think the MM and his W have an opportunity to give complete closure. All three would benefit in the long-run.

[silktricks]

My thought here is ...this sounds like a person who has pain. I think the MM and his W have an opportunity to give complete closure. All three would benefit in the long-run.

 

What bull****. Have you bothered to read this guy's threads? The OW has not only harassed the MM but has apparently even attacked the wife. What about the BS's pain, or is that just not a consideration because she's the wife?

 

I think that your consideration is solely for the OW. The BS is the only innocent party is this situation, but you think that SHE should be the person helping out the OW. The OW who from the sounds of things not only instigated the entire situation but is now harassing both the MM AND the BS.

 

It sounds to me like you not only have no compassion for the one person who is truly injured, but expect even more of her to a ridiculous degree.

 

Giiz, this guy never even had physical contact with the OW, but still she's the one who according to you should be getting all of the sympathy and strokes. I think you are on the wroooonnnngggg track.

 

I've ridden both sides of the fence too, and I think you are one messed up chick. Ah forget it. Why I should expect an OW to have any kind of understanding for a BS is beyond me. good night.

[IpAncA]

My thought here is ...this sounds like a person who has pain. I think the MM and his W have an opportunity to give complete closure. All three would benefit in the long-run.

 

He made it clear it was over and whatever he said I can't find it but that should have been enough.

[mourningMM]

I'm not making myself clear. I don't see any of this as being overly nice to the MM or the OP.

 

In this thread I have not seen anywhere that the married couple is acting like a couple.

 

Nothing in what I said indicates that I don't appreciate the BS pain. Hell, I've been one, and one where the MM left and married the OW. Maybe that's the reason that I think of this BS as lucky. I'm suggesting that she take an active controlling part of getting rid of a problem for her marriage.

 

Yes she is hurt, but if he still wants to be with her, well then she should be working with him to provide closure.

 

And as I said, if she is standing there, while he tells this woman to go away, if they show their committment to eachother, it might be the wakeup call that this 'wacko' needs to just walk away.

 

If not, there are 2 people who have witnessed this request to be left alone, enough to go and get a harrassment citation against the OW.

 

And it is no longer a triange....completely removes the she said, he said, she said aspect.

 

IpAncA, you are right, in the perfect world all he should have had to say is it is over.

 

But most humans, if given a shred of hope, will continue to hold on....maybe in a twisted way this guy likes having a stalker.

[OpenBook]

I'm saying that there is a certain level of closure that can only happen once people acknowledge their responsibility for the impact of their actions on others emotional (and sometimes physical, mental, and spiritual) well-being.

 

Mourning, I couldn't agree with you more. But you're wasting your breath (and valuable advice) here. These people will always hold up the BS as a paragon of innocent virtue, coddle the MM, and demonize the OW.

 

It's a waste of time to argue with them. I just thank my lucky stars I'm not in their shoes.

[mourningMM]

I wan't thinking about that....some people have been hurt so badly that they can't imagine any postion in an affair other than their own.

 

If I hadn't had an A after my divorce, I might be in their shoes.

 

It is really hard to have balance when your world is wripped to shreds, you soul has been raped, and your future is completely in doubt. I remember feeling like I was on a roller-coaster in h*ll. When you are holding on for dear life it is pretty hard to let go a hand and offer to help someone else.

 

I hope people in that place understand that I am not at all minimizing their pain or perspective. I'm just offering my opinion about how important closure is.

 

My marriage that ended...my EX had an EA, possibly a PA....but never once has he admitted it, even though I had accused him while we were still married. Now the OW sits with my kids at dinner every other week. THIS BS is incredibly lucky...believe me I know that it could be much, much, much worse.