Is this typical male behavior or...

[Trialbyfire]

Thanks, TBF. My hands are tied, I can't help solve anything without his help.

Now that's a great way to open up the conversation with him.

 

"My hands are tied. I can't solve your problems. You have to want to solve them yourself, take an active role in doing so and I am willing to help because I care."

[climbergirl]

Now that's a great way to open up the conversation with him.

 

"My hands are tied. I can't solve your problems. You have to want to solve them yourself, take an active role in doing so and I am willing to help because I care."

 

I wish he would respond to these words, but I tried that, that day in fact! He said he was sorry, promised not to do that again. And did it again a few hours later.

 

I do care and I do love him. But he's proved by his actions that it isn't enough.

 

Besides, how can you possibly have a relationship with someone where anytime an issue comes up their response is to leave? Talk about compounding the issue! Not only is the issue not resolved and put away, but is made worse.

 

And I know that most men don't react this way.

[Trialbyfire]

I wish he would respond to these words, but I tried that, that day in fact! He said he was sorry, promised not to do that again. And did it again a few hours later.

 

I do care and I do love him. But he's proved by his actions that it isn't enough.

 

Besides, how can you possibly have a relationship with someone where anytime an issue comes up their response is to leave? Talk about compounding the issue! Not only is the issue not resolved and put away, but is made worse.

 

And I know that most men don't react this way.

I hear you, climbergirl.

 

It feels like an exercise in futility when someone can't communicate properly and stick to the resolution. Those are some of the exact issues I had with the last guy, although he was a different personality type.

[Yamaha]

It is typical when their hiding something from you.

Guilt is a b*tch!!!!!

[climbergirl]

I hear you, climbergirl.

 

It feels like an exercise in futility when someone can't communicate properly and stick to the resolution. Those are some of the exact issues I had with the last guy, although he was a different personality type.

 

 

If you don't mind me asking, what personality type was he?

 

Half the people here say the reaction is guilt and half say it's stemming from poor communication. So I'm wondering if there's a common theme in personality.

 

Not that it changes the situation or outcome.

[Trialbyfire]

If you don't mind me asking, what personality type was he?

 

Half the people here say the reaction is guilt and half say it's stemming from poor communication. So I'm wondering if there's a common theme in personality.

 

Not that it changes the situation or outcome.

I don't mind. He was fairly soft-spoken and had controllable passive-aggressiveness. If it wasn't advantageous to him to communicate effectively or stick to mutually agreed upon resolutions, he would shut down or not do it, or do the complete opposite.

[Herzen]

His behavior points to a guilty conscience. Whether it's in wish or deed he has, most likely, betrayed your trust and love.

 

Love affairs impose a huge psychological toll on the players--especially the MM. Maintaining two relationships, keeping straight the lies and deceptions and the huge distraction of another lover --all combine to deform and strain even the most mild of temperament.

 

My best guess:there's another woman lurking somewhere.

[climbergirl]

I don't mind. He was fairly soft-spoken and had controllable passive-aggressiveness. If it wasn't advantageous to him to communicate effectively or stick to mutually agreed upon resolutions, he would shut down or not do it, or do the complete opposite.

 

Well, I guess it's not overall personality (avoidant behavior), but merely a facet.

 

 

 

So whatever happened to your guy? How did it end?

[Trialbyfire]

Well, I guess it's not overall personality (avoidant behavior), but merely a facet.

 

So whatever happened to your guy? How did it end?

When there's only one party working on something, it doesn't work. He withdrew to an unacceptable level, so I withdrew permanently. For me, life's too short to waste...

 

The good news is that the very next day, I started dating someone else who has stepped up to the plate, where his actions exceed his words. While I've put the brakes on it, to slow it down to a more reasonable level, he's more than willing to wait for me. He's no rebound guy.

[climbergirl]

I want to thank everyone for their responses-I've given them great thought, especially you, TBF, for walking me through this. I'm happy and relieved that you found someone who backs up their words with actions.

 

As an aside to the silent treatment, and the promise that day to stop and yet did it again (which, in my mind, is tantamount to lying), it boils down to this:

 

I have conceded on so many levels to make him feel so secure. I tend to have more guy friends than girl friends, but gave up my guy friends to make the relationship work. I have/had a friend of 23 years that I gave up because I had to make a choice. I never left, or became angry unless there were direct accusations on my character. I told him about all my conversations with everyone, because I never want to be looking over my shoulder. I'm not saying I'm perfect or haven't made mistakes-I've made many, but not of the lying, cheating type of mistakes. And if I give my word, I do my very best to live up to them.

 

 

So he starts talking to someone a week ago and after that week I made an observation to him...not an accusation. His response is to leave and I even said, "So she's worth saying it's over?", His response was, "yes".

 

So, yes, I thought his anger was over the top and uncalled for. The difficult part is that I never would have expected this of him and I am surprised. But I believe that there was nothing more to it, then it wouldn't have been such an issue.

[Trialbyfire]

You're welcome and thanks. You deserve to be happy too, cg.

[oppath]

It is really difficult to learn someone is not the person you thought they were. I see nothing wrong with your statement. Every now and then in any relationship, people will get jealous or at least appear that way. I can see where he may have been annoyed at your statement, but its pretty easy to say "she's just a new friend and acquaintance. You've got nothing to worry about. I've told her all about you (ok, sometimes this is considered damning) and as a matter of fact, she'll likely be at this BBQ in a couple weeks, and you'll get to meet her" or whatever it takes to reassure.

 

We all need reassurance every now and then in our relationships. I don't freak out when the girl I am dating asks all worriedly (if I was spending time with a female friend) "has anything ever happened between you two? What's the deal?" I simply say "no, we're just friends, and in fact I told her about you and how happy I am to have started dating you. She'd like to meet you."

 

His behavior is odd.

[climbergirl]

Well, this is a person that he met online-I'm not sure if it makes a difference or not. Hence the no accusations of cheating--I wasn't thinking that that was going to happen.

 

But after hearing about her all week, I got to the point of noting it to him.

 

It didn't bother me at first, but when it continued I started to get tense.

 

I wasn't questioning his character, but, yeah, when you hear your guy talk about another woman when he never has before...your ears perk up and your gut starts telling you something is up.

[oppath]

Oh, I agree. Of course you pick up on that. It's the same if you are in a relationship, and all of a sudden some guy friend who she has never mentioned in the half-year you have been dating her, has an extra ticket to a football game, who she reconnected with at a party. It's not an accusation of cheating to say "How much is he charging you for the ticket? No?!? Does he know you have a boyfriend?"

 

When new people enter your SOs life, it is not jealous to note "hey, it sounds like this person has entered your life. What's the deal with that?" You'd be naive not to, even from someone you completely trust.

[climbergirl]

Oh, I agree. Of course you pick up on that. It's the same if you are in a relationship, and all of a sudden some guy friend who she has never mentioned in the half-year you have been dating her, has an extra ticket to a football game, who she reconnected with at a party. It's not an accusation of cheating to say "How much is he charging you for the ticket? No?!? Does he know you have a boyfriend?"

 

When new people enter your SOs life, it is not jealous to note "hey, it sounds like this person has entered your life. What's the deal with that?" You'd be naive not to, even from someone you completely trust.

 

Wait a minute, did that happen with you?

 

And I agree, I wear my heart on my sleeve and it's impossible for a person close to me to not note my emotions. To deny something is up is lying and not helping the situation.

 

I shouldn't feel like I have to walk on eggshells to voice a concern.

 

And in the true realm of things, it was a stupid thing to warrant a 'break up'.

 

In most relationships, that is.

[oppath]

Yes, it did happen to me, sorry for hijacking your thread.

 

The point is: it is suspicious if someone new pops into your SO's life and they seem to occupy a large roll. It doesn't mean they are cheating. It doesn't even mean anything inappropriate is going on. All it means is it is noticeable. If someone new is in your partners life, you are going to notice it. Wouldn't you expect your partner to notice? I'd honestly be a bit offended if a girlfriend did not notice and bring it up.

[climbergirl]

Yes, it did happen to me, sorry for hijacking your thread.

 

The point is: it is suspicious if someone new pops into your SO's life and they seem to occupy a large roll. It doesn't mean they are cheating. It doesn't even mean anything inappropriate is going on. All it means is it is noticeable. If someone new is in your partners life, you are going to notice it. Wouldn't you expect your partner to notice? I'd honestly be a bit offended if a girlfriend did not notice and bring it up.

 

Thank you for that. To not notice is to not give a sh#t-that's why the reaction was kind of a shock.

 

Don't worry about hijacking...it's totally on topic.

 

What happened? Did she go?

[popey]

That would be a good thing (couples therapy), but he's not really into that.

 

And, at this point, and if we were together, I'd be just as apprehensive to commit to him. I am all for communicating, but given his way of dealing with every issue that is brought up (breaking up/silent treatment), our communicating tactics are not compatible.

 

I've said as much, and he's realized that he's handling it wrong, but breaks that promise 8 hours later.

 

I would guess that he's not agreeable to therapy b/c it would put him at risk of having an impartial listener, whom he can't guilt and emotionaly manipulate, who could tell him he is wrong, or call him out on inconsistency in his words and behavior.

[climbergirl]

I would guess that he's not agreeable to therapy b/c it would put him at risk of having an impartial listener, whom he can't guilt and emotionaly manipulate, who could tell him he is wrong, or call him out on inconsistency in his words and behavior.

 

Funny you would mention that, popey. We did go one time a couple of years back.

 

The therapist told me that I had to stop being so afraid to hurt my guy friends feelings. True enough. I agree. I needed to prioritize.

 

He was told to stop using the 'abandonment card' with me.

 

After that one session, he was reminding me what she (therapist) said to me and what I needed to do, but had totally dismissed what she said to him.

[oppath]

Thank you for that. To not notice is to not give a sh#t-that's why the reaction was kind of a shock.

 

Don't worry about hijacking...it's totally on topic.

 

What happened? Did she go?

 

You don't want to open that can of worms: we exchanged Christmas gifts the day before; she went, I'm a football fan too, I told her I trusted her. The very next time I saw her she broke up with me. It turns out, the week before that, her ex boyfriend proposed to her (she didn't tell me this of course, I had to learn it later). 1.5 weeks after the breakup, she emailed me asking if I wanted to be friends with benefits by email in response to me asking for time and space to heal, but she was "just joking" when I said "I deserve more than that and wanted more than that and you know it; I'm not going to whore myself out to you a week from now or a year from now."

 

The last words I ever heard from her, the first women who ever said "I love you," were "I was just joking." And I pretty much bring it up in every LS post, it's time to stop bringing it up; I've got a new girl who understands my boundaries now and is honest with me .

 

The relevancy though, is that of course you are going to notice if something seems out of place, or if someone has gotten your bf's attention. I like it when the girl I'm seeing acts a little jealous or possessive. I like reassuring her. And if she moves into my town, which she is planning on doing, she'll be meeting all my friends. I keep no secrets. If I had to keep secrets, I'd end a relationship. And if a new girl I met started occupying my time, I'd expect my girl to notice. My old female friends I would never give up, but I wouldn't make new ones without my girlfriend being present for it.

[climbergirl]

You don't want to open that can of worms: we exchanged Christmas gifts the day before; she went, I'm a football fan too, I told her I trusted her. The very next time I saw her she broke up with me. It turns out, the week before that, her ex boyfriend proposed to her (she didn't tell me this of course, I had to learn it later). 1.5 weeks after the breakup, she emailed me asking if I wanted to be friends with benefits by email in response to me asking for time and space to heal, but she was "just joking" when I said "I deserve more than that and wanted more than that and you know it; I'm not going to whore myself out to you a week from now or a year from now."

 

The last words I ever heard from her, the first women who ever said "I love you," were "I was just joking." And I pretty much bring it up in every LS post, it's time to stop bringing it up; I've got a new girl who understands my boundaries now and is honest with me .

 

The relevancy though, is that of course you are going to notice if something seems out of place, or if someone has gotten your bf's attention. I like it when the girl I'm seeing acts a little jealous or possessive. I like reassuring her. And if she moves into my town, which she is planning on doing, she'll be meeting all my friends. I keep no secrets. If I had to keep secrets, I'd end a relationship. And if a new girl I met started occupying my time, I'd expect my girl to notice. My old female friends I would never give up, but I wouldn't make new ones without my girlfriend being present for it.

 

Man, I'm sorry I prodded you to tell and make you go through it again. But it makes sense (given that) that you understand my situation.

 

Hey, your ex's loss is your current girlfriends gain.

[oppath]

Maybe her gain: I'm repeating patterns. Her ex isn't fully out of the picture, but she's being honest about it, going so far as to tell me "normally I wouldn't be honest about this, but I know how important that is to you." I told her that unless she ties up her loose ends, I am going to be free to date other people, even though we are sleeping together, because while I want more, based on my history, I need to take care of myself. She isn't too happy about it but she understands.

 

But aside from it, it really is the best "relationship" ever. She is truly earning my trust because she is always disclosing information, and since I just moved back to California, and she is technically 1.5 hours away (for the next 2 months before moving closer; independent of me), a weekend relationship with potential, but red flags, is ok right now. I'm not really repeating my mistakes because I've told her what my boundaries are. We've been distant friends for 2 years. The friendship is there, the honesty is there, the attraction and chemistry are there... but I refuse to fully invest until she ties up her loose ends.

 

I was going to start a post about it, but I really am enjoying it. It is natural and easy with her.

[halfarock]

This thread reminds me of a little fight I once had early on with my girlfriend. We had gone to a social gathering and she had spent most the evening talking to some guys, while mostly ignoring me. Towards the end of the evening I made some comment to her such as, “So I guess I’m just another guy?” She got really upset, perhaps the most I’ve ever seen her get – almost to the point of wanting to break up.

 

It turned out that she thought that her affections for me were such that it should be above question. Also, even though I’m sure she was flirting, she was offended over the idea that I could think that she would have been trying to get anything going with those guys, especially with me around.

 

So, I guess I hurt her feelings, but she got over it, eventually.