ookla_2 Posted September 12, 2007 Posted September 12, 2007 I need to counsel my best friend. I'm worried about a path she is headed down. She is in an EXTREMELY unhappy M (one that I wonder daily why either one of them stay in - they are both miserable and it's taking a toll on both of them and the kids), and has only recently begun emailing back and forth with an old friend from school. She says she's not attracted to him, but that he listens to her, values her opinions, and respects her and she really doesn't get that very often. I understand this, but I also understand how these things can get out of hand and an attraction can develop. She knows my story, and I try to support her while discouraging this from going any further. I'm hoping some of you will be able to give me some words to pass along, because I'm not always good at these things. Thanks!!
Cobra_X30 Posted September 12, 2007 Posted September 12, 2007 Well, she has to first determine if she wants her marriage to work, then think long and hard about what the issues are, and finally develope a strategy to tackle them. Otherwise this other guy is just going to be a temperary fix, and while it will make her temporarily feel better, she it will prevent her from fixing her marriage. If she wants to talk to somebody... perhaps a professional would be best.
EmotionallyYours Posted September 12, 2007 Posted September 12, 2007 She knows my story, and I try to support her while discouraging this from going any further. I'm hoping some of you will be able to give me some words to pass along, because I'm not always good at these things. My answer is always the same. Divorce her H and then she doesn't have to worry about any inappropriateness with the OM. Just kidding. Hmmm... what are they emailing back and forth about. Marriage problems or other subjects? You know me... all my friends are male, so I'd say "Yeah.. what's so bad about that". However, we've already established that I'm not a real "healthy" role model. BTW ook... suddenly it will just say "established member" by your avatar. THEN you can PM.
Author ookla_2 Posted September 12, 2007 Author Posted September 12, 2007 She left the work force when they had their first child...and probably is too afraid of the financial strain she will be putting herself in. She and her H are both good people who have both made their share of mistakes. For some reason, they just seem to bring out the worst in each other. She is not emailing about relationship stuff....yet....as far as I know. But I think we all know that with these things it's just a matter of time. And I don't think she would have mentioned it to me if it didn't have the potential for being trouble. I think she truly wants me to stop her. BTW...I guess I still haven't posted enough to be ESTABLISHED...
Author ookla_2 Posted September 12, 2007 Author Posted September 12, 2007 Well, she has to first determine if she wants her marriage to work, then think long and hard about what the issues are, and finally develope a strategy to tackle them. Otherwise this other guy is just going to be a temperary fix, and while it will make her temporarily feel better, she it will prevent her from fixing her marriage. If she wants to talk to somebody... perhaps a professional would be best. I personally think she's done. I have thought that many times over the years though. I just don't see where either one of them benefits from being together...they don't sleep in the same room anymore, they are hardly ever even nice to each other, forget about affectionate. Sadly, she has been in and out of counseling (mostly in) as long as I have known her, due to a history of issues. Sigh....I guess the best I can do is listen and try to discourage her from doing something she will regret later...
whichwayisup Posted September 12, 2007 Posted September 12, 2007 Then she just has to come clean and tell her husband that she's very unhappy and together they need to decide to either fix the marriage, go to counselling or end it. Her starting up an emotional affair, an inappropriate friendship with an old friend is NOT going to fix the problems she has now, it will only make it worse and drag her old friend into it too. She doesn't need to hurt TWO men because if this old friend has lingering feelings for her, it will only make EVERYTHING worse. Encourage her to seek counselling, to talk to her husband - FOR the sake of the kids. If she is open to what you say, and okay with it, then also mention she's being extremely selfish to involve herself with another man while still married. Even if her marriage sucks, that's no excuse.
Mustang Sally Posted September 12, 2007 Posted September 12, 2007 I don't know how you would stop it. That is really up to her. But you could be a good influence, by supporting her to get her M issues worked out, etc. If she cares enough what you think of her and you voice your disapproval of that kind of action (an EA) then that might help.
Meaplus3 Posted September 12, 2007 Posted September 12, 2007 I need to counsel my best friend. I'm worried about a path she is headed down. She is in an EXTREMELY unhappy M (one that I wonder daily why either one of them stay in - they are both miserable and it's taking a toll on both of them and the kids), and has only recently begun emailing back and forth with an old friend from school. She says she's not attracted to him, but that he listens to her, values her opinions, and respects her and she really doesn't get that very often. I understand this, but I also understand how these things can get out of hand and an attraction can develop. She knows my story, and I try to support her while discouraging this from going any further. I'm hoping some of you will be able to give me some words to pass along, because I'm not always good at these things. Thanks!! If She's truely misreable in her marriage having an ea will only make it worse in the long run. Short term a way to cope with her unhappiness, trust me I know all this first hand. I was in exact the same postion as your friend however I went along with the ea and made my life even more of a mess. Have her read my post's here on LS and I'm sure she will run for the hill's! AP:)
whichwayisup Posted September 12, 2007 Posted September 12, 2007 The sad thing is, many people have to go about this and learn the hard way...I hope she is one of those who can learn from other people's mistakes and not allow an EA or a PA to start UNTIL her marriage is over.
Author ookla_2 Posted September 13, 2007 Author Posted September 13, 2007 I opened up to her yesterday, revealing more about my own EA, and the lingering pain it caused. I think it helped a bit - at least put a little more thoughts in her head about the long run. I do think, however, that it may be one of those things that she will have to go through on her own before she truly realizes how awful things can/will turn out. I know I wouldn't have listened to anyone....I knew better, I thought. It just makes me sad.
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