From BS to OW...how does that happen?

[simplegirl]

I'm just curious because I was a BS in my M and then when I got divorced I became the OW. I have been with my MM for just over 3 years now. My exH found out about my MM and asked me a while back how I can be in this position knowing what it did to me when he was cheating. I honestly couldn't answer him. I know how it started and I explained that to him but honestly how does it happen? Do our morals just go out the window?

[herenow]

I'm just curious because I was a BS in my M and then when I got divorced I became the OW. I have been with my MM for just over 3 years now. My exH found out about my MM and asked me a while back how I can be in this position knowing what it did to me when he was cheating. I honestly couldn't answer him. I know how it started and I explained that to him but honestly how does it happen? Do our morals just go out the window?

 

So this may come out as bashing, but it's not my intention. I just have to wonder, if you were hurt by an affair, how can you do something that you know is hurting another person? It's not only about morals, it's also about consideration for others.

[RealityCheck]

I'm just curious because I was a BS in my M and then when I got divorced I became the OW. I have been with my MM for just over 3 years now. My exH found out about my MM and asked me a while back how I can be in this position knowing what it did to me when he was cheating. I honestly couldn't answer him. I know how it started and I explained that to him but honestly how does it happen? Do our morals just go out the window?

 

I would believe that you had the classic "not over the emotional damage syndrome".

 

Should you have been on your own and dealt with all the emotional baggage of your exH infidelity, you may not have done the same.

 

This also refers to "what comes around goes around". This term is used too loosely in terms of something coming back when it also applies to giving it back.

[simplegirl]

My exH and I actually didn't divorce because of his A. His A was 3 years prior to our divorce and I know that I got myself involved with my MM because it was easy. I wasn't ready for a relationship but hated being alone, we had fun together and he made me feel good at a time in my life where that was not an easy thing to accomplish. In the beginning that was all it was then I got settled into being a very busy single mom, my exH had moved away and my MM would come visit me just often enough to keep me from feeling lonely. I was concentrated on my kids and our new lives. Now, 3 years later there are feelings involved and I just sometimes wonder how I got here.

[simplegirl]

So this may come out as bashing, but it's not my intention. I just have to wonder, if you were hurt by an affair, how can you do something that you know is hurting another person? It's not only about morals, it's also about consideration for others.

 

That was the point of the question. My exH had one extended A and several one night stands during our M. I found out about the one night stands at the same time I found out about the "extended" A. I was devastated, a lot of other things came out during this time too so I had a lot of issues to deal with at one time. I know I am not the only person that was a BS and is now a OW that is why I put the question out there.

[RealityCheck]

My exH and I actually didn't divorce because of his A. His A was 3 years prior to our divorce and I know that I got myself involved with my MM because it was easy. I wasn't ready for a relationship but hated being alone, we had fun together and he made me feel good at a time in my life where that was not an easy thing to accomplish. In the beginning that was all it was then I got settled into being a very busy single mom, my exH had moved away and my MM would come visit me just often enough to keep me from feeling lonely. I was concentrated on my kids and our new lives. Now, 3 years later there are feelings involved and I just sometimes wonder how I got here.

 

It's called mind manipulation. Vulnerability plays a huge part in that process.

 

What you should focus on is your self interest and where you would like to see yourself and your kids down the road.

[TogetherForever]

I'm just curious because I was a BS in my M and then when I got divorced I became the OW. I have been with my MM for just over 3 years now. My exH found out about my MM and asked me a while back how I can be in this position knowing what it did to me when he was cheating. I honestly couldn't answer him. I know how it started and I explained that to him but honestly how does it happen? Do our morals just go out the window?

 

 

SG,

My exh cheated on me with numerous ow & it had no bearing on my morals or on my decision to have a relationship with someone who was separated from his wife. And it's none of the exh's business anyway.

.

You still have morals. Why are you doubting that?

[simplegirl]

I know I still have morals. I guess with my exH getting on me about the situation and then about a week ago I ran into my MM W at the store I have been worn down and stressed out. I am evaluating how I got my life where it is.

[serial muse]

I'm just curious because I was a BS in my M and then when I got divorced I became the OW. I have been with my MM for just over 3 years now. My exH found out about my MM and asked me a while back how I can be in this position knowing what it did to me when he was cheating. I honestly couldn't answer him. I know how it started and I explained that to him but honestly how does it happen? Do our morals just go out the window?

 

I can't speak for anyone else, but I suspect it's not so much about morals as it is about vulnerability. I felt like a sack of moldy potatoes after D-Day, shapeless and smelly and brown, and like no one would ever want to touch me again, because I was obviously deeply flawed and unlovable and undesirable (although, objectively speaking, I'm actually rather cute ). I had no clear sense of self and no self-confidence, and although I clung to the fact that I voluntarily ended the marriage as a sign that I wasn't completely powerless and hopeless, it still felt an awful lot like locking the barn door after the horses had escaped.

 

In that emotional and mental environment, I would imagine that someone attractive acting interested, saying the right things and making you feel how you "never thought you'd feel again" would be almost overwhelming and very very difficult to resist. Hell, I can more than imagine it - I was asked out by several guys that first year post D-Day, but turned them down because I felt numb...but found myself attracted to a friend of mine (who was in a serious relationship) and made me feel happy and giddy and light-hearted again.

 

I've never been tempted to get involved in someone else's relationship, before or since - except that time. Oh Lord, it was hard. I felt head over heels in lust, if not in love - and yeah, I had to force myself not to go for it. I can't tell you the number of times I stopped myself, and then wondered why the hell I was stopping myself, he and I were great together, really well-matched, so much in common, and anyway, didn't I deserve some happiness too, who's to say that his relationship is all that happy if he's flirting with me, it worked for the OW in my case, isn't it only fair and shouldn't it be all about whose feelings were the most fervent and real (to wit, mine)?!?!?!

 

(I'm not saying that to jibe at anyone - I honestly had these thoughts, and although I'm glad I didn't act on them, they were very real and very painful and very tempting.) The temptation to just let it be, to stop struggling and just enjoy someone making me feel good for a change, guilt-free, let them worry about their relationship, I didn't even know her and it wasn't my responsibility - I know how all of that feels. And I do look back now with surprise at my own passion and insistence (at the time) that it was right because it felt so right - and can only be grateful that somehow, in the end, I didn't let myself do it, because I can't imagine being okay with it now. But I sure was then.

 

By the way, I admit that I had it easier than many because he and I didn't live in the same city, and that helped me when I decided to impose distance. It's not as though I was wrong about there being attraction and a strong potential relationship with this man - were he single, I would have dated him, and I know it wasn't just me. But he wasn't, and fortunately, time and distance did their work, and all I can say is, several years later I'm very glad I got past that, because he and I are (very platonic!) friends now, and we do happen to be in the same city, coincidentally - and as it happens, I've found somebody else who "makes me feel again" and makes me tingly in my toes.

 

So thank goodness, that friend wasn't the last man on Earth for me; he was just in the right place at the REALLY wrong time - a time when I was in particular need of feeling happy and sexy and wanted for ME. Ironically and paradoxically, because he was both a "relationship-oriented" guy and one who wasn't free to make demands of me, he also felt rather "safe" on many levels, which was desirable because I knew on some level that I was in bad shape. So in a nutshell, I was vulnerable, and - as discussed on that other thread - I was still a bit "nutty," although D-Day was long since over. So that's my take on how a BS-to-OW conversion might happen.

[silktricks]

In my youth I moved from BS to OW. I had morals, I just chose to disregard them for a short period of time. One day I realized that I would not look at myself in the mirror. Oh sure, I'd brush my hair and put on make-up, but I wouldn't LOOK at myself. I wouldn't look at my own eyes. That was the end.

 

As for what led me there? It was the desire, the NEED to feel attractive, wanted, desirable. There is nothing that makes you feel ugly and undesirable as much as your husband deciding to have sex with just about anyone but you... My first husband was a serial cheater, and it seemed like whenever I attempted sex he'd turn me down - he kept saying I was "over-sexed". I divorced him, but it wasn't until after I had been dragged through about a year of mud and pain and embarrassment and shame.

 

In my process of moving from BS to OW to unattached, I devastated a man who was single and really interested in ME, and who I truly cared about. I didn't care for the MM. I used him to feel better about myself as he used me for whatever purpose. He asked me one day what it was about him that attracted me, and out popped, because you are married and I know you can't hurt me. It wasn't a very long relationship, but it scarred me and shamed me literally for years.

 

I'd like to add that the insight I have now is after years of thought and analysis of my own inner workings. If you had asked me any of these things soon after the fact I doubt that I would have been as self-aware.

 

My life has been a series of major major changes. I've grown quite fond of the person I am now, but when I look back at my younger self, I simply shake my head. If I could go back and talk to the younger version of me I'd want to tell me to take more care of my heart and the hearts of those closest to me.

 

Best,

 

Silk

[mourningMM]

So many of the women I know that have been OW found themselves there because they needed attention.

 

Needed, not wanted, is what I think is key....and the attention that we needed was sexual validation.

 

I was a BS, find my threads to read my story. He left me for a woman we both knew, in the process he store me apart. From the day he told me that I "let myself go" to when he said that I was "a fat cow" and that he'd rather "shoot himself in the head than ever touch" me again. I finally found the words to describe what he did as he left me. He raped my soul.

 

At that point, I was amazed that anyone could find me attractive on any level.

 

But the MM who smiled at me from his Harley at Starbucks every morning found me more than attractive. And I soaked up his attention like the sand soaks up the sea. But I remained honest, and so did he. Something in him needed to give and have incredibly intense sexual experiences. But after I began to heal, he and I finally broke it off. It was never my intent to damage his marriage; it was never his intent to leave his marriage. We really had difficulty putting it behind us, but finally broke off. Then, months later I found out that he died (hence the name).

 

My next relationship was again with a man who was unavailable on every level...that lasted for 3 years. It was an open, non-exclusive relationship. Again the sex was phenominal. He and I were total honest with each other about how we felt, what we wanted, what we fantasized about. I would never have had the confidence to be with him had I not regained my self-esteem during the relationship with my own MM. This relationship ended when I wanted more, and he decided that he could not give it to me. Since then he has moved in with someone else and I believe he may have even married her.

 

I deserve more...

 

Each relationship since the divorce has given me new insights. One fact is clear, I need to give. Another is a bit muddy, I am too accommodating (but what is too).

 

People can sense when someone needs attention. People can also take advantage when the person who needs attention also doesn't have clear boundaries. And when that person has a habbit of giving more than they recieve, well, that is dangerous.

 

I think that most betrayed spouses have that peculiar combination; the weakness and vulnerability of the wounded.

 

Now here is where my morals are continually under the microscope. Where I allow myself to believe that something in me called to the MM I was with. He was the child of a divorce, and the "man of the house" for his mother. I think deep inside he had a need to be a "knight in shining armor" and to really make someone feel better. I think he needed to heal me as much as I needed to be healed. I believe that I actually acted as a...I don't know exactly....unliscenced sex therapist? I allowed him to explore and self-assess what it took to really connect. Something in his marriage was broken, and he wasn't brave enough to work it through with his wife; he used me (on one level) to practice intimacy.

 

And he healed me.

And I helped him.

 

Then we both agreed that we needed to stop. I hope and pray that he and his wife had some wonderful months before he died.

 

I have sympathy for the OM and OW out here...but I, unfortunately, also judge. I have to see the OW that destroyed my family at my own children's graduations. I have to know that she gets to go on vacation with my EX and my children, and experience the life the I was promised. I have very little tolerance for an affair that causes difficulties for children; I have very strong feelings about the responsibilites of parents.

 

But most of all I hope that every betrayed spouse that falls into an affair has the strenght and grace to look in the mirror.

 

Honestly.

 

And make decisions that do no harm.

[2sunny]

i think your new position may be out of spite... this is not healthy for anyone involved.

[Lizzie60]

It proves one thing... 'never say never' it could happen to anyone.

[mourningMM]

Well, guess it would be spite if someone became the OW for their EX who had married an OW...

 

But frankly the idea of being with my EX is just revolting.

[OpenBook]

My exH found out about my MM and asked me a while back how I can be in this position knowing what it did to me when he was cheating. I honestly couldn't answer him.

 

I cannot BELIEVE your ex had the nerve to ask you that. He has no room. NONE. To criticize you about ANYTHING. I would've been speechless too. At the GALL of him to ask you something like that.

[mourningMM]

Second relationship should have read

 

Unattached, single but still unavailable on any level....

 

I really need to proof read a little more carefully!

[simplegirl]

I cannot BELIEVE your ex had the nerve to ask you that. He has no room. NONE. To criticize you about ANYTHING. I would've been speechless too. At the GALL of him to ask you something like that.

 

I couldn't either but that's him. He is hurt because he was asking me to take him back (yet he is remarried now for 3 years) and I told him no. That is when he started in on me about my MM. Tonight he was mad about some of the our son's dr bills that are not covered by insurance and he is supposed to pay half. In front of all my kids, his mom, and his niece and nephews he told me to take him to court to get his half or get it from *****(my MM). He's just an a**!

[simplegirl]

i think your new position may be out of spite... this is not healthy for anyone involved.

 

I really don't think it's spite. I never wanted my exH to find out about it and I really don't want his W to find out. Wouldn't that be more of a spite thing?

[mourningMM]

as a ploy. Some piece in a game where he is the one who keeps score. Then, maybe once you look at it from a distance you will see a pattern in his behavior and you'll be able to anticipate.

 

• Remember how he behaved during your marriage, when money got tight...
  
• Remember whether he lashes out when he is hurt or scared...
  
• Remember his 'tells', those little things that you used to be able to read like a book
  

.

And armed with those memories, and some dispassionate observation, you will be able to respond appropriately.

 

You may want to soul-search about how you have progressed to the place that you are; but you sure as f**king he** shouldn't do it because some bozo makes a snide comment.

 

You should do what is right for you as long as you aren't causing damage somewhere else....

 

Be strong, and grounded, and focused on the long term....and look in the mirror when you are ready.

[simplegirl]

Mourning - I am really good at reading him that's how I know that he is lashing out at me because he is hurt, because he is jealous and I know his marriage is awful. I just have to learn to not let him push my buttons. Get this one....tonight he actually told everyone in front of me that we got D because I was a cheater! I almost fell over. We were together for 13 years and I never once cheated on him and he knows it. He cheated on me so many times, once with my BF and once with his BF W. My kids have no idea about any of it and I would never tell them. They told me the other day that their dad would never cheat on me because he loves me too much and I just said Ok. I told him this tonight and he said that I need to do what I need to do (implying that if I felt the need to tell the kids his sexual history then I should). He is half crazy right now!

[mourningMM]

Since you have kids, even though you are divorced, you might want to very softly, bring up the idea of having a third party help you work through parenting issues.

 

Because if he's got stuff he's dealing (or not dealing) with, it will affect your kids. And anything that affects your kids my spill over into your relationship with them.

 

So sometimes it is worth it to go to counseling to set up a specific time and place to directly address question, comments, needs, and 'wants' between co-parents.

 

OK, I don't really know your situation....maybe you want him back, maybe you are getting him back, maybe you just want to see his back as the door hits it....

 

But right now you sound like you are in a situation with your Ex that is really emotionally risky for you and your kids. And, if he gets out of control, for your MM and all of the people in his life.

 

Be careful, you are in my prayers.

[woe_is_me]

Hi Simple ..i was a b/s also.. many moons ago ..

i don't know what makes or made it okay for us to think it was okay to put a shoe on the other foot .. it's been brought up in other threads and suggested that it was a possible feeling of betrayal by the 'sisterhood' ..thereby not making us care how we made some woman we 'didn't know' feel ..or possibly not caring that she would feel the same pain .. or making up for the pain we felt at not knowing what our H's did to us..

It feels strange for me to even be analysing the A i had with mm as it was 4 yrs ago .. i'm here trying to make heads and tails of why he didn't forget me and called me after 4 years of no contact yet dropped me like a hot scone when his W found out ..

 

As for your exH .. he sounds like he still has a flame for you .. he has a bit of a nerve though...considering you're not together because of HIS cheating .. my exH doesn't have a leg to stand on when it comes to issuing me with ultimatums seeing as HE was the one who cheated.. and would never have said things such as yours has .. he did get into another relationship but his new g/f didn't like him spending time with our children (she was insecure about me) and he used my xmm as an excuse to his new g/f long after xmm was gone.... she's fallen by the wayside unfortunately though..and it doesn't sound like your exH is too consumed by his new relationship either...Good Luck .. im not too impresed with my xH or even xmm anymore..sooo i don't know where i'm at..and that's a good place... sorry if this post was confusing...