herenow Posted September 12, 2007 Posted September 12, 2007 I am a BW who is more than a year out from D-day. I don't spend as much time at LS anymore because, for the most part, I have moved on. I check back from time to time to find that the actions of a BW are sometimes questioned. I'm a BW who never spoke with the OW or gave her much attention as far as blame goes. I focused on my H and his actions. I never called or drove by the OW's house, but I did do many things that most people would consider irrational. I don't have to bore you with my stories of lunatic behavior, but I can say that BW's do things that even they can't explain. It comes from the fact that our life has been totally turned upside down. For a period of time that varies for each person, we become, for lack of a better word, crazy. There were months that I questioned everything in my life. If my marriage wasn't what I thought it was, was anything else real? My husband tried his best to assure me that it was over and he was committed to me, but my mind went in every direction. How could I tell what was real? Who could I believe? Bottom line is that it takes time and when I see threads that question BW's motives after a short time (and yes 4 months is a very short time), I have to say that it may mean nothing more than the BW hasn't had enough time to deal with her own feelings about the affair. It doesn't necessarily mean that there are problems at home or that her H is cheating again. The WS may truly be trying to work on the marriage, but the BW isn't ready to let go of the insecurity that being betrayed brings. You can't put a time limited on when a BW should be able to "move on" either in the marriage or not. It's a very individual thing. I have heard that it can take years before a BW can truly "get over" an affair. But, if they can make it past the pain, and really focus on their marriage, there is a light at the end of a tunnel that can result in a happier and healthier marriage. So, if after 4 months if a BW is still driving past the OW's or doing things that many seem crazy to others, please be aware that it's part of the healing process, and if there is no threat to anyone else, it's her choice to be temporarily insane. I'm sure the same goes for an OW that has been hurt as well.
RealityCheck Posted September 12, 2007 Posted September 12, 2007 I am a BW who is more than a year out from D-day. I don't spend as much time at LS anymore because, for the most part, I have moved on. I check back from time to time to find that the actions of a BW are sometimes questioned. I'm a BW who never spoke with the OW or gave her much attention as far as blame goes. I focused on my H and his actions. I never called or drove by the OW's house, but I did do many things that most people would consider irrational. I don't have to bore you with my stories of lunatic behavior, but I can say that BW's do things that even they can't explain. It comes from the fact that our life has been totally turned upside down. For a period of time that varies for each person, we become, for lack of a better word, crazy. There were months that I questioned everything in my life. If my marriage wasn't what I thought it was, was anything else real? My husband tried his best to assure me that it was over and he was committed to me, but my mind went in every direction. How could I tell what was real? Who could I believe? Bottom line is that it takes time and when I see threads that question BW's motives after a short time (and yes 4 months is a very short time), I have to say that it may mean nothing more than the BW hasn't had enough time to deal with her own feelings about the affair. It doesn't necessarily mean that there are problems at home or that her H is cheating again. The WS may truly be trying to work on the marriage, but the BW isn't ready to let go of the insecurity that being betrayed brings. You can't put a time limited on when a BW should be able to "move on" either in the marriage or not. It's a very individual thing. I have heard that it can take years before a BW can truly "get over" an affair. But, if they can make it past the pain, and really focus on their marriage, there is a light at the end of a tunnel that can result in a happier and healthier marriage. So, if after 4 months if a BW is still driving past the OW's or doing things that many seem crazy to others, please be aware that it's part of the healing process, and if there is no threat to anyone else, it's her choice to be temporarily insane. I'm sure the same goes for an OW that has been hurt as well. I agree that everyone has their own time to heal. For me, as a BW I did not and would not circle another person's residence. I am much to aware that what I am feeling is all about me and that is where I will direct my focus. On me. Not on another person who I have absolutely no control over. It is all about taking my own power back.
Lizzie60 Posted September 12, 2007 Posted September 12, 2007 everyone is different... Although I have never been an BW... I know I wouldn't try to contact the OW... I would concentrate my energy on moving on... I think that BW who try to either contact the OW or drive in front of their places, or call them... etc.. are extremely insecure women who, instead of concentrating on themselves and their life, are wasting their energy on someone who, really, doesn't give a rat's a$$ about them.
Author herenow Posted September 12, 2007 Author Posted September 12, 2007 I agree that everyone has their own time to heal. For me, as a BW I did not and would not circle another person's residence. I am much to aware that what I am feeling is all about me and that is where I will direct my focus. On me. Not on another person who I have absolutely no control over. It is all about taking my own power back. I agree, I would never waste my time driving by the OW's house or even calling her, but that's just me. People have different ways of dealing with situations and it may help another BW feel better if she drives past the OW's house and her H isn't there. That may give her some piece of mind. You and I may find it irrational, but who are we to say what works for others?
annabelle75 Posted September 12, 2007 Posted September 12, 2007 Great post. I agree with everything you said. In a time of mourning (mourning the loss of of either your marriage or the loss of what you believed your marriage to be), you do feel sort of insane. It takes time to heal and cope. I also agree with what you said about as long as there is no real threat to anyone, a person should eb allowed to deal with it in their own way. My only issue here with some people on LS is that they almost seem to feel that even if the BW behavior's genuinely is a threat it should be OK because she has been wronged and anything she does is excusable. That kind of rationalization scares me. Any one remember the story of Betty Broderick? Thank you for making this post. It makes alot of sense.
whichwayisup Posted September 12, 2007 Posted September 12, 2007 are extremely insecure women who, instead of concentrating on themselves and their life, are wasting their energy on someone who, really, doesn't give a rat's a$$ about them. Yes, but wouldn't everyone agree that it's her husband who gave her that lovely gift of feeling insecure and having to deal with all the awful feelings and mistrust that D-Day creates? She certainly didn't ask for it, yet she has to deal with it. Honestly, 4 months is NOT a long time, especially if the wandering spouse isn't doing his part in making sure SHE feels secure again.
Lizzie60 Posted September 12, 2007 Posted September 12, 2007 Yes, but wouldn't everyone agree that it's her husband who gave her that lovely gift of feeling insecure and having to deal with all the awful feelings and mistrust that D-Day creates? She certainly didn't ask for it, yet she has to deal with it. Honestly, 4 months is NOT a long time, especially if the wandering spouse isn't doing his part in making sure SHE feels secure again. 4 months is not much...BUT for her own sanity, she needs to move on... what good does the driving around her place does to her... nothing... If the WS does nothing to make sure she feels secure, then again, she needs to do something about that too... kick him to the curb...cause he just don't care about her... and... he will do it again.
Author herenow Posted September 12, 2007 Author Posted September 12, 2007 Yes, but wouldn't everyone agree that it's her husband who gave her that lovely gift of feeling insecure and having to deal with all the awful feelings and mistrust that D-Day creates? She certainly didn't ask for it, yet she has to deal with it. Honestly, 4 months is NOT a long time, especially if the wandering spouse isn't doing his part in making sure SHE feels secure again. Even if the H is doing his part, the feelings of insecurity can still remain. Only time can heal those feelings and in some cases they never go away. Even when the marriage ends, the BW is left with the fall out and may never be able to be secure in a relationship. When someone says that 4 months or even 4 years is a long time to hold on to the negative feelings, they don't understand how devastating that kind of betrayal really is.
whichwayisup Posted September 12, 2007 Posted September 12, 2007 ...BUT for her own sanity, she needs to move on... what good does the driving around her place does to her... nothing... After 4 months? No...Maybe after 2 or 3 years, yes...But D-Day JUST happened and HN is right, noone knows the pure devastation of betrayal until they've been through it. Let's say children are involved, after 4 months one cannot just up and walk away - Even if they want to, they still owe it to themselves and their children to give it their best. THEN later on in the future it doesn't work, then throw in the towel. Either way, it's a sh.itty place to be put in and go through.
RealityCheck Posted September 12, 2007 Posted September 12, 2007 Yes, but wouldn't everyone agree that it's her husband who gave her that lovely gift of feeling insecure and having to deal with all the awful feelings and mistrust that D-Day creates? She certainly didn't ask for it, yet she has to deal with it. Honestly, 4 months is NOT a long time, especially if the wandering spouse isn't doing his part in making sure SHE feels secure again. Secure is knowing how to deal with something rationally. Insecure is dealing with something irrationally. I never felt insecure when my exH cheated. In fact, he is the one with the insecure issues. Not me. I needed to deal with the hurt and hurt is not a matter of being insecure.
Meaplus3 Posted September 12, 2007 Posted September 12, 2007 I am a BW who is more than a year out from D-day. I don't spend as much time at LS anymore because, for the most part, I have moved on. I check back from time to time to find that the actions of a BW are sometimes questioned. I'm a BW who never spoke with the OW or gave her much attention as far as blame goes. I focused on my H and his actions. I never called or drove by the OW's house, but I did do many things that most people would consider irrational. I don't have to bore you with my stories of lunatic behavior, but I can say that BW's do things that even they can't explain. It comes from the fact that our life has been totally turned upside down. For a period of time that varies for each person, we become, for lack of a better word, crazy. There were months that I questioned everything in my life. If my marriage wasn't what I thought it was, was anything else real? My husband tried his best to assure me that it was over and he was committed to me, but my mind went in every direction. How could I tell what was real? Who could I believe? Bottom line is that it takes time and when I see threads that question BW's motives after a short time (and yes 4 months is a very short time), I have to say that it may mean nothing more than the BW hasn't had enough time to deal with her own feelings about the affair. It doesn't necessarily mean that there are problems at home or that her H is cheating again. The WS may truly be trying to work on the marriage, but the BW isn't ready to let go of the insecurity that being betrayed brings. You can't put a time limited on when a BW should be able to "move on" either in the marriage or not. It's a very individual thing. I have heard that it can take years before a BW can truly "get over" an affair. But, if they can make it past the pain, and really focus on their marriage, there is a light at the end of a tunnel that can result in a happier and healthier marriage. So, if after 4 months if a BW is still driving past the OW's or doing things that many seem crazy to others, please be aware that it's part of the healing process, and if there is no threat to anyone else, it's her choice to be temporarily insane. I'm sure the same goes for an OW that has been hurt as well. Herenow, I am not a BW, but was an OW for a good amount of time. IMO just about everything you said here could very much apply to a Former OW as well. It does take each and everyone of us our own time frame to move on. Those who move on fast, Well I guess they are the lucky ones! AP:)
serial muse Posted September 12, 2007 Posted September 12, 2007 When someone says that 4 months or even 4 years is a long time to hold on to the negative feelings, they don't understand how devastating that kind of betrayal really is. Thanks for this post, herenow. I've been reading but not contributing here lately, because honestly, there's so much pain and bitterness often exhibited on these boards from both sides that I don't want to fan the flames and there doesn't seem to be much point to adding anything. But I have been rather shocked at the lack of empathy and compassion at times. We're all human and have all (BS and OP alike) experienced heartache the likes of which I hope my family and friends never experience, and I would protect them from it forever if I could. But even as I'm recoiling from some of the rather cruel things I've read on here about craziness and so forth, I remember how I once felt, before I was cheated on (and even after, I suppose, but before I was aware of it). I felt superior to women who didn't do the rational thing, the obviously self-protective thing, the dignified thing. I pitied them, called it compassion (but it wasn't, it was something closer to disdain) and frankly, I simply couldn't understand how someone could let themselves fall apart or be blinded or act so irrationally because of "love." Naturally - and this is a rational thought - I assumed that were I in that position, I would recognize instantly that what I was calling love was no such thing, because love never hurts, and would be out the door in a heartbeat. Well, I did eventually go out the door, but it wasn't so straightforward as all that. I made what I am convinced was the right choice for me, but I don't begrudge people choosing to stick it out and trust their partners. Their MM was not my MM - I knew him personally and made an executive decision that I could never trust him again. But that was him. Anyway, I do understand such "craziness" and "irrationality" now, and I suspect that most people who come to this particular board do know these feelings from the inside out, whether they've chosen to forget that or not. I just wish people would try harder to remember that we're all capable of irrational behavior when we're deeply hurt and when our worlds have been (hopefully temporarily) shattered. We've all done things we're not proud of, and that we are surprised at in retrospect. Sure, some people go way overboard, and there's no excuse for endangering or badgering another person - but driving past someone's house three times in a day, or visiting their myspace page three times a week, because you're trying to understand WHAT IS GOING ON after a long period of lying and deceit is hardly insanity, and is hardly a statement about someone's fundamental character. It's confusion, and hurt, and it's inherently human, and yes, the person who is getting most hurt may be the one doing all the checking up, but that's her (or his) problem to solve. No, I've never driven past the house of the OW, but once upon a time I was desperately curious about her, needed answers that I could see with my own eyes because I had been thoroughly gaslighted by my exH, felt emotional and irrational and confused about what actually had been going on in my relationship the whole time, who I could trust, what I could believe about me and what he said about me, and even though I left him only a couple of months after D-Day, it took years before I began to be able to know myself again and feel normal. Was I "nutty"? Yeah, sure. I sure wasn't myself, and I can't blame myself for it, either. I certainly feel "saner" now. But hell, it took a long freaking time. So I don't begrudge anyone their journey, and I just hope it eventually leads them home. Give people time to find themselves again, and just be glad you're not in the pain they're currently in.
Trialbyfire Posted September 12, 2007 Posted September 12, 2007 Most betrayed spouses tend to act on gut instinct about a WS cheating. With none or restricted knowledge based on the deceit involved in an affair, do you wonder why they're thrashing around in the dark, with no guarantees that anything is true?
simplegirl Posted September 12, 2007 Posted September 12, 2007 Great post Serial. After reading this I realized that while I was not "crazy," as some people would say after, I found out about my now exH A I do find myself, 6 years later checking out her myspace page occasionally. I don't know why and I really don't care what she is doing. I know they don't talk anymore. He and I are now D and he is remarried. I just can't help myself some nights. I ran into her at a gas station not too long ago and I didn't recognize her but my kids did. She still made my blood boil all these years later.
serial muse Posted September 12, 2007 Posted September 12, 2007 Herenow, I am not a BW, but was an OW for a good amount of time. IMO just about everything you said here could very much apply to a Former OW as well. It does take each and everyone of us our own time frame to move on. Those who move on fast, Well I guess they are the lucky ones! AP:) I agree, AP.
BurriedAlive Posted September 12, 2007 Posted September 12, 2007 Very interesting posts HN & SM. This is the kind of insight I was really looking for when I originally posted.... Anyway, that nice little thread is now all locked up. You are right about the curiosty factor that BS has over OW. When W & I did sit down face to face after D day, she explained that the reason why she was always driving by in the first place was to be able to put a face to me. Apparently she had been having dreams where I didn't have a face. She also talked about her "craziness" and asked if MM had told me that she was going crazy. Apparently he accused her of being crazy quite a few times after D-day. So it makes me think that this new round of "lurking" probably has very much to do with insecurities as you both have pointed out. I really can't see MM taking time away from himself to try and help her with her problems....
silktricks Posted September 13, 2007 Posted September 13, 2007 Those who move on fast, Well I guess they are the lucky ones! AP:) I hear what you are saying, but I don't know if they are lucky or just shallow.
RealityCheck Posted September 13, 2007 Posted September 13, 2007 I hear what you are saying, but I don't know if they are lucky or just shallow. Shallow? I would believe they are very in touch with a high standard of what "love" really means. For me, my standard of real love does not include committing adultry and therefore I have no reservations whatsoever to let it go! To know his does not meet mine and I can easily let go of the illusion. Sorry, not a matter of being shallow, its a matter of knowing I will not settle for anything less than what I know I will not do to my H.
whichwayisup Posted September 13, 2007 Posted September 13, 2007 So it makes me think that this new round of "lurking" probably has very much to do with insecurities as you both have pointed out. I really can't see MM taking time away from himself to try and help her with her problems.... I think you're right. And, if he isn't doing his part to make her feel secure, loved and worthy of his trust, then yes, she is probably checking up on him, making sure he IS where he says he is... You are right about the curiosty factor that BS has over OW. When W & I did sit down face to face after D day, she explained that the reason why she was always driving by in the first place was to be able to put a face to me. Apparently she had been having dreams where I didn't have a face. She also talked about her "craziness" and asked if MM had told me that she was going crazy. Apparently he accused her of being crazy quite a few times after D-day. When you spoke to her, did she freak-out, seem crazy towards you, try to intimidate you, make you feel threatened? Or did she just want to talk and find out more about things? She isn't crazy...Though what her husband is probably doing to her is making her FEEL crazy. What a poop he is if he IS doing that to her! Anyway, I do hope nothing comes of this, but maybe if she does approach you (and that's a big IF) show abit of sympathy, don't go on the attack mode.
Hurt & Alone Posted September 14, 2007 Posted September 14, 2007 I will agree that 4 months is not enough time for the BS or the OP for that matter to be over the agonizing emotions that remian after D Day occurs. But, one would think that after 4 months the BS should not be contacting the OP especially when the A has ended. It continues all the negative feelings and does not promote healing for any of the people involved. I feel compelled to make this statment because my DDay occured June 3 and for the past several weeks I heard nothing from the BS until yesterday out of the blue she called to tell me that she was leaving H and that we could be togther. To make a long story short since this is not my post, she does not have plans to leave him and by her contacting me I am sure it did not make her feel any better and for me; devestating tears started rolling again. No matter how sypathetic I have tried to be to her it didnt help nor do I think it ever will.
silktricks Posted September 14, 2007 Posted September 14, 2007 Shallow? I would believe they are very in touch with a high standard of what "love" really means. For me, my standard of real love does not include committing adultry and therefore I have no reservations whatsoever to let it go! To know his does not meet mine and I can easily let go of the illusion. Sorry, not a matter of being shallow, its a matter of knowing I will not settle for anything less than what I know I will not do to my H. Anyone who can walk away from a serious committed relationship (married or no) of multiple years duration and be "over it" in less than four months is IMHO shallow and unable to commit their heart. You may call it a high standard of love, I call it an inability to love.
whichwayisup Posted September 14, 2007 Posted September 14, 2007 But, one would think that after 4 months the BS should not be contacting the OP especially when the A has ended. But, she hasn't contact the OP. She just drove by her house, and the area she lives in. There has been no talking or anything - Just a visual. Nothing more, nothing less.
RealityCheck Posted September 14, 2007 Posted September 14, 2007 Anyone who can walk away from a serious committed relationship (married or no) of multiple years duration and be "over it" in less than four months is IMHO shallow and unable to commit their heart. You may call it a high standard of love, I call it an inability to love. I never did say anything about the time frame because everyone is different in the healing process. Some can cope easier than others and it is not a matter of being shallow by any stretch of the imagination. Letting go does not mean a person doesn't hurt. I would venture to believe that the person cheating is more shallow than the one being cheated on.
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