Tiger-Lily Posted September 12, 2007 Posted September 12, 2007 I have been dating this guy since January of this year. I have been seeing signs of control from him but I think it is getting of out of hand now. If I hang out with my male friends he gets mad, so I started hanging out in groups to avoid the noise. Yesterday I went to the movies of a girlfriend of mine and I did not mention it to him. When I was heading home he texted me but I could not replay right away, so I phoned him to let him know that I was not home yet and I would contact him when I did. On calling him when I arrived home he was very angry with me and asked if I had fun and I should have told him about me hanging out before. I told him, I couldn't see why he was so upset. I told him I was sorry for him being upset and he said it was a little too late. I said I can't say anything else about the situation because I think he is overreacting. He does not tell me when he is leaving his house all of the time. Sometimes he would tell me that he is going out but say it is to take care of stuff. I don't feel I should be reporting to him and I don't mind it if we were married and living together but I don't feel comfortable reporting my whereabouts to him. What do you think of this situation?
popey Posted September 12, 2007 Posted September 12, 2007 I think the question posed is irrelevant. When conduct reaches the threshold of being defined as controlling is subjective. What matters much more is your statement that you are not comfortable with complying with his demands. Therefor, yes you have a problem situation in this relationship and something needs to give. You need to be able to talk it out together to see if there is a zone of compromise in which you can both feel good. I would suggest starting with trying to understand WHY he feels strongly about the things he is asking of you, and WHY you feel unhappy about them. Maybe he's needing reassurance about the relationship and you can find some other way, which you find more agreeable to meet that need. Who knows, but if there's a relationship worth having here, you will both be willing to talk it through and work on finding a common ground. If not, better to find out sooner than later.
Lizzie60 Posted September 12, 2007 Posted September 12, 2007 I have been dating this guy since January of this year. I have been seeing signs of control from him but I think it is getting of out of hand now. If I hang out with my male friends he gets mad, so I started hanging out in groups to avoid the noise. Yesterday I went to the movies of a girlfriend of mine and I did not mention it to him. When I was heading home he texted me but I could not replay right away, so I phoned him to let him know that I was not home yet and I would contact him when I did. On calling him when I arrived home he was very angry with me and asked if I had fun and I should have told him about me hanging out before. I told him, I couldn't see why he was so upset. I told him I was sorry for him being upset and he said it was a little too late. I said I can't say anything else about the situation because I think he is overreacting. He does not tell me when he is leaving his house all of the time. Sometimes he would tell me that he is going out but say it is to take care of stuff. I don't feel I should be reporting to him and I don't mind it if we were married and living together but I don't feel comfortable reporting my whereabouts to him. What do you think of this situation? I don't get it... I have been seeing signs of control from him but I think it is getting of out of hand now. That's your answer right there. WOW ... I'm shaking my head here.. how can you put up with a guy who displays signs of 'abuse'... this control freak will become an abuser if you allow him to... RUN!!! but if you stay... you know what's ahead...
KenzieAbsolutely Posted September 12, 2007 Posted September 12, 2007 I don't get it... I have been seeing signs of control from him but I think it is getting of out of hand now. That's your answer right there. WOW ... I'm shaking my head here.. how can you put up with a guy who displays signs of 'abuse'... this control freak will become an abuser if you allow him to... RUN!!! but if you stay... you know what's ahead... i agree with lizzie on this one. it doesn't seem like you need us to tell you he's being controlling.
Krytellan Posted September 12, 2007 Posted September 12, 2007 If that's your hands down example of him being controlling, I personally think you're flipping out. This is hardly over the top. Maybe he had something planned for the two of you or maybe he just really wanted to see you. Only you know, but if that's your definitive example then I think it's a pretty weak argument.
LoveLace Posted September 12, 2007 Posted September 12, 2007 It depends on if this is a one-time incident, or if this is a typical way for him to behave. If it's typical then yes it sounds a bit controlling, or possessive. And it isn't fair if he wants to know your specific plans when all he tells you is that he's going to "take care of stuff"...if he wants you to be specific then he should be for you as well. I'd need more info to say if I think he truly fits the definition of "controlling" but when it comes down to it, you don't have to stick with anything that makes you uncomfortable.
halfarock Posted September 12, 2007 Posted September 12, 2007 If that's your hands down example of him being controlling, I personally think you're flipping out. This is hardly over the top. Maybe he had something planned for the two of you or maybe he just really wanted to see you. Only you know, but if that's your definitive example then I think it's a pretty weak argument. No, it is abusive, controlling behavior. There is no reason for him to be getting mad just because she is hanging out with someone else.
NatoPMT Posted September 12, 2007 Posted September 12, 2007 No, it is abusive, controlling behavior. There is no reason for him to be getting mad just because she is hanging out with someone else. i think its controlling too. it sounds like hes trying to monopolise your time, cut you off from friendships, isolate you and manipulate you with feelings of guilt by showing how angry he is if you dont comply i wouldnt say its as yet at the point of abuse, but how you handle this from now on decides whether you become a victim to his demands
oppath Posted September 13, 2007 Posted September 13, 2007 If that's your hands down example of him being controlling, I personally think you're flipping out. This is hardly over the top. Maybe he had something planned for the two of you or maybe he just really wanted to see you. Only you know, but if that's your definitive example then I think it's a pretty weak argument. I have to agree with Krytellan; if this an isolated incident any number of things could be going on. Was he expecting you home earlier? Was he supposed to come over? Perhaps he just had a really really bad day and needed to talk, and took his frustrations out on you. Do all of your friends know about him and has he had the chance to meet them? If not, he may feel he isn't a priority to you and that you are keeping him hidden, especially regarding your male friends. Do you invite him every 2-3 times you go out with your male friends? Would he feel comfortable inviting himself along if he had nothing else going on? Have you ever lied about your whereabouts? Be honest Before jumping to conclusions that he is controlling, try to understand why he was upset. Just ask him, "you seemed upset the other day when I went to the movies with my friend. Could we talk about how that made you feel? Why did it upset you?" There are any number of reasons he reacted as he did that are not controlling. Perhaps he's been feeling lately that he is not a priority in your life, so he felt you going out with a friend and not informing him is confirmation that he comes second, because he was hoping to spend time with you. If it is not a pattern of behavior, you cannot label it controlling. Calmly ask him why he felt upset.
Krytellan Posted September 13, 2007 Posted September 13, 2007 i think its controlling too. it sounds like hes trying to monopolise your time, cut you off from friendships, isolate you and manipulate you with feelings of guilt by showing how angry he is if you dont comply i wouldnt say its as yet at the point of abuse, but how you handle this from now on decides whether you become a victim to his demands WHOA... hold on. We have one flippin example of a moderate, at best, attempt to get her time. Have you ever had a time when you just really needed to see your SO for whatever reason? And though you had no formal plans you assume that you will be seeing him/her? It's disappointing when something like that happens. I think everyone is assuming this is an intensely consistent pattern or are having fatalistic views... LS syndrome. We have one example. Weak at best. Anyone can be guilty of this on random occasions... or is everyone better than that?
oppath Posted September 13, 2007 Posted September 13, 2007 WHOA... hold on. We have one flippin example of a moderate, at best, attempt to get her time. Have you ever had a time when you just really needed to see your SO for whatever reason? And though you had no formal plans you assume that you will be seeing him/her? It's disappointing when something like that happens. I think everyone is assuming this is an intensely consistent pattern or are having fatalistic views... LS syndrome. We have one example. Weak at best. Anyone can be guilty of this on random occasions... or is everyone better than that? I was guilty of it before my last relationship ended, but I can think for a half dozen times where she was guilty of it during the relationship. If you've had a bad day, or needed reassurance about the relationship, or were expecting someone to be there for you even if there were not formal plans, it can be extremely disappointing for it not to happen. I'm not excusing his behavior, but in relationships, we've all been there. We get frustrated and disappointed.
NatoPMT Posted September 13, 2007 Posted September 13, 2007 WHOA... hold on. We have one flippin example of a moderate, at best, attempt to get her time. I think everyone is assuming this is an intensely consistent pattern or are having fatalistic views... LS syndrome. We have one example. Weak at best. Anyone can be guilty of this on random occasions... or is everyone better than that? but TL says: I have been seeing signs of control from him but I think it is getting of out of hand now. If I hang out with my male friends he gets mad, so I started hanging out in groups to avoid the noise. thats not one incident. shes adapting her behaviour, not hanging round with people he doesnt like her to hang out with, then she gives a specific example. yes i agree that one offs arent necessarily down to a controlling tendancy but this isnt a one off according to the original post.
Author Tiger-Lily Posted October 6, 2007 Author Posted October 6, 2007 Thanks everyone for all of your assistance. After my last post we had a couple other fall outs, one being where I told me that I could not go through another drama session with him and he need to stop his attitude. He told me that he would try. However, on Monday 01st October 2007, a friend of mind had one of my vehicles. He was going to park it in my brother's yard, when after putting it in park and exiting the vehicle it started to roll down hill. It hit a parked vehicle and then spun and ran into a railing before it stopped. The damage was pretty bad, I never delt with a car accident before so I phoned my boyfriend who actually owns a motor vehicle repair shop as a second form of income. He organized for a wrecker to move my vehicle the next day and he sent an estimate of the damages and repair fees to the Insurance Company. The problems starts where his birthday is coming up on Thursday 11th October 2007 and he as been reminding me of it for the last three (3) weeks. I decided to have a private dinner at a guest house where my cousin manages and to give him his birthday gift and cake there. On Thursday 04th October 2007 however, we had a very huge argument that started with him telling me that he was changing the date of our Christmas Vacation forward to one week. He was scheduled to leave on 16th December 2007 and I would have left 23rd December 2007 and we both would have returned to our Island on 05th January 2008. The trip was in order for me to meet his parents, family and relax. I did not want to spend three (3) weeks there because I have been to that Island before and there is not much to do. We were supposed to stay with one of his sisters. The problem I was having is that he had a meeting on his job where his boss told him that he would not be able to take his vacation on the 17th December 2007 anymore and he would have to leave a week later. He told me that he was still taking the three (3) weeks, that meant that he would return to our Island on the 12th January 2008. I told him that my birthday was on the 11th January 2008 and asked if he does not intend on being here for my birthday. He said that he needed to take his three (3) weeks and that means that he will be returning on the 12th January 2008. I asked him the question again and he had the same reply. I told him that I would not be going again with him on the Christmas Vacation and he said ok. I got mad and I told him I as going and I hung up. That took place on Thursday and now it is Saturday and he has not contacted me. I have no problems with leaving him alone at this point but I am concerned that he has my vehicle in his motor vehicle repair shop. Am I overreacting to remove it from there and contact the Insurance Company or do I allow him to still repair the vehicle?
oppath Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 Um...what is the problem? Ok, his boss asked him to change his vacation. He still wants to take 3 weeks. Why is it a big deal that he can't celebrate your birthday 2-3 days after the actual day? Moreover, why tell him "I'm not going to go" when you were? Why the passive aggressive behavior? I mean, you were implying "well, if you aren't going to be here on my actual birthday, then I'm not going to celebrate any of christmas with you and I'm canceling our vacaction?" Wouldn't a better response be "you know, I'd really like it if you could be here with me on my birthday. It is really important to me and I'd like to celebrate it with you. It would mean a lot to me if you could come back a couple days early." I suggest you call him and apologize, and say just that, and that you be open to compromise, such as him saying "I really want to take all of my vacation, but how about the 13th we reserve for me to take you out." I'm not saying your birthday is unimportant to you, and no doubt he wants to treat you, but this is the type of thing people have to compromise on all the time. I understand if you feel like his action makes you 2nd priority, but does it really? He wants to spend his vacaction with his family it seems. I missed my last gf's birthday -- and maybe it was a reason for the breakup, I don't know, maybe she was mad at me -- because I was visiting my family over holiday. I hadn't seen them for Christmas in 3 years. I spent 1.5 weeks. I left the day before my gf's birthday. Did that make me a bad boyfriend? I certainly hope she would have said "I wish you were here to be with me. I want us to celebrate our birthdays together." I made the choice to see my family. It wasn't because she was 2nd best. I took her out, and planned a whole day for her, the week before that.
oppath Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 Adding more...are you even giving him a chance to compromise and plan something for your birthday? It sounds like things are all in the works, the planning stage, and you just shut him out?
Author Tiger-Lily Posted October 7, 2007 Author Posted October 7, 2007 Oppath I understand your point, but why couldn't he just come back earlier and be there for my birthday. I have spent many birthdays alone and I think now that I have someone in my life I should not be experiencing lonliness on special days anymore. Why must he say he has to spend three (3) weeks? It is a choice and I felt hurt by it. Maybe if he acknowledged what I was saying about my birthday and if he did mention doing something special when he got back I would have reacted differently. And yes I said I wasn't going on the vacation because I did not see him wanting to meet me halfway. It is also a compromise for me to leave my home because I have to get a house-sitter since I have pets to feed and it is quite difficult to get someone to do that around the Christmas Season. Do you think I should still go ahead with his birthday plans and surprise him this week? I'm still not up to calling him and apologizing at all though. I still feel disappointed.
Star Gazer Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 Re-read your last post. YOU sound more like the controlling one here.
oppath Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 Why must he say he has to spend three (3) weeks? It is a choice and I felt hurt by it. Maybe if he acknowledged what I was saying about my birthday and if he did mention doing something special when he got back I would have reacted differently. And yes I said I wasn't going on the vacation because I did not see him wanting to meet me halfway. I understand if you felt disappointed, but did you even give him a chance to talk it out? What EXACTLY did you say about your birthday? Did you say "my birthday is x date. It would mean a lot to me if you could be here for it." Or did you say "well, that is when my birthday is. If you are going to miss it, why should I go on vacation with you?" To me, it doesn't sound as if you gave him the chance to compromise. Also, since your birthday is still 3 months off, it is a little soon to make specific plans. All you can do is say "I was just disappointed. I've spent a lot of my birthdays alone, and I was really hoping to spend this one with you. Would it be possible for you to come back a day or two early? Maybe we could go someplace on our island for a couple days." Do you think I should still go ahead with his birthday plans and surprise him this week? I'm still not up to calling him and apologizing at all though. I still feel disappointed. YES! Also, why apologize? BECAUSE IT IS A WAY OF DISARMING SOMEONE. Even if you are mad at them and think they are wrong, if you can say "I feel bad about this and apologize for my part in it," you disarm the other person. This passive aggressive, if you won't do x I won't do y behavior is UNHEALTHY. Now, if you asked him "when are we going to celebrate my birthday?" and he said "I don't know," then you should be mad. However, if he said "I don't know, but I promise you we'll do something that week for it" I have to disagree with you: it's not THAT big of a deal. I do understand it is a big deal for you, but he is asking to spend part of his vacation with you. That says A LOT. I really don't think you have even tried to discuss this or communicate your feelings to him. He didn't give you what you wanted, so you acted passive aggressive. Why not ASK for what you want without making a threat?
Author Tiger-Lily Posted October 7, 2007 Author Posted October 7, 2007 He wants to purchase the tickets within this month (October). So, it does not give much for flexiblity after the purchase is made. When he said he would be returning on the 12th January 2008. I said "but my birthday is on the 11th January 2008. So are you saying that you are not going to be there for my birthday", he replied by saying "I have to take three (3) weeks and that means I will return on the 12th January 2008. I asked the same question again and he gave me the same response. He never acknowledged my point at all and that is what made me mad. I brought it to his attention twice and he insisted that he must take three (3) weeks. I really could not take it and that is when I said I was going and I hung up.
Author Tiger-Lily Posted October 7, 2007 Author Posted October 7, 2007 After it was clear in my mind that he was not taking me on about my birthday situation, I said I was not going on the vacation again and he said ok, that is when I got mad said I was going and hung up.
oppath Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 Notice the differnce between these two statements: But it's my birthday on the 12th?!?!?!My birthday is the 12th. I've spent many of my birthdays alone, but it would mean a lot to me if you could come back 2 days early so we could spent it together. I'd really like celebrate it with you. It's important to me. This is a fight. These types of fights DO happen often in relationships. It is logistics. How you've dealt with the fight is UNHEALTHY. When you told him you weren't going on vacation, he probably said OK not because he didn't care, but because he was scared of making you more upset. No, you have not told him how you felt. You have not told him how important it is for him to be there on your birthday. All you said was "but it's my birthday then" and from your description, it sounds like the tone and intention were passive aggressive. You didn't tell him why you want him there, you were trying to guilt him into feeling bad for not saying he would be there. What really disturbs me is how you won't call him. You got mad at him for him not reading your mind. Fights like this happen, they do. How you cope with the fights determines the outcome of the relationship. The best way of coping is to call him the next day and say "I'm sorry for acting passive aggressive. It was wrong of me. I felt really disappointed when you implied you wouldn't be there on my birthday because I felt like you didn't consider me and my birthday important to you. I would love to spend that day with you, and to me, I dont feel like I was asking much of a compromise for you to come back 1 day early to be with me. However, I don't feel I handled the discussion well. It was wrong of me to threaten to cancel our entire vacation. I apologize for that. I was upset. I really want to go on vacation with you and look forward to it. I understand your vacation is important to you. I just wanted reassurance that you wanted to spend time with me on my birthday and you considered it and my feelings a priority."
Author Tiger-Lily Posted October 7, 2007 Author Posted October 7, 2007 Oppath Thank you for taking the time out to give me your point of view. I understand what you are saying and if at any point in time we (my boyfriend and I - if we are still together) have to talk about this situation I would say all the words that you said to me. I would say, "I want you to be there, it is important to me", all that stuff. However, I am not going to phone him at all and tomorrow I am going to cancell all the birthday plans I made for him at the guest house. I don't have to call him up and seem as if I am begging to be treated in a certain way. If he can't acknowledge THAT by me saying "my birthday is on the 11th and are you saying that you don't plan to be here for my birthday", is enough of an indication and I have pointed that out to him. If he is really that SLOW, then he is not worth it. He has been reminding me of he birthday (which is this Thursday) for the past couple of weeks. He would mention it as often as he can. So obviously his birthday is important to him and I was going all out for him, but when it comes to mine he is not giving me that time of day. Let him go on his trip and have a blast with his relatives because he could have taken the same amount of days vacation but come back a bit earlier and spend that birthday time with me. Thanks again! I do appreciate the time you take to respond.
oppath Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 If that is what you want to do, I wish you all the best and hope it works out for you. I've always wondered if missing my gf's birthday was one reason for our breakup. I left town the day before. Her bday was the 22 of December. I hadn't been home for Christmas in 3 years. I left on the 21st because it was $200 cheaper. She said nothing about it. I made plans to take her out the week before and I spent the whole day with her. I do understand your point, as my birthday was the 27th, and when I came back, and asked her when we could celebrate my birthday, she was like "I don't know, I'm really busy this weekend." As far as I know, she was being passive aggressive with me and mad at me. None of it was communicated to me. Now, I communicated to her "it's really important to me that we celebrate my birthday together" even though we missed the actual date. As far as I know she was acting passive aggressive towards me because I missed her birthday. I really don't know. Personally, I think it would have been unreasonable for her to expect me to stay in town an extra 2 days when I hadn't seen my brother, sister, mom, and dad at the same time in 3 years. I'm sure she could have felt "well, there is no reason he couldn't have changed his plans and been here for me." I'd be PISSED at my gf if she threatened to cancel our entire vacation just because we were arguing over logistics and then she hung up on me. My attitude is "let's talk it out and find a compromise." I really DISLIKE someone hanging up on me. If my gf is mad at me and doesn't want to talk, I expect her to say "I'm really disappointed and angry right now. This conversation isn't constructive for either of us. Let's take the night off and talk about it tomorrow when we are both more calm." I put myself entirely in your bf's shoes. My response would be "I want to take all of my vacation, but the day I get back, I promise you, I'll take you out for your birthday. I'm already thinking of fun things to do." It is possible that YOU are SLOW and DENSE? Maybe seeing his family, and taking his vacation, are IMPORTANT TO HIM. In his shoes, he probably can't understand why you don't acknowledge how his vacation is important to him. I do understand your point; I just feel you reacted in a really unhealthy way because you didn't get what you wanted.
Author Tiger-Lily Posted October 9, 2007 Author Posted October 9, 2007 My boyfriend called me today about 3:00p.m. to discuss my vehicle that got into the car accident. I believe that is what he used to break the ice and to ask me how I was going. We did not get heavy into our disagreement about my birthday/vacation plans but agreed to talk about it later that day. He told me that he realized that I had no intensions on calling him, which was true. I told him that I went to a birthday party Saturday night that we were both invited to without him and I ate his meal (vegetarian). It made him upset, but he did not mention it then. We spoke for a while about the car and he told me if I wanted to talk to him again to feel free to call him. Later that night I sent him a text to start the conversation which had to deal with the birthday/vacation situation. He did mention that he missed me and was upset with me that I went to the birthday party over the weekend without him, but I told him that the way we ended things on Thursday I did not think we would have enjoyed it with the level of tension between us. To make a long story short. I told him that special days we should never be apart and I asked him if he would consider coming back a day before my birthday so that he could be there with me. He told me that I was sounding more realistic and he did not mind if only I would still go on vacation with him. I told him yes I would go and I would love to meet his folks. I started back planning for his birthday which is in a couple of days. I know he would totally love his surprise.
Krytie TV Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 I told him that I went to a birthday party Saturday night that we were both invited to without him and I ate his meal (vegetarian). It made him upset, but he did not mention it then. I have to admit, Tiger, that your posts make me cringe a little. There are just so many things that you say that can put me in your b/f's place. You sound a lot like my ex-wife. She was an exploder. If something went contrary to what she thought it should be, she would explode, not talk. In fact, we never in 4 years could see a discussion through because she would inevitably explode. I know your situation is not so drastic, but I think the feeling is there. What I think your boyfriend was doing was actually what I started doing soon before I left my wife. There comes a time when the exploding gets really boring, and the desire to deal with it fades. When she would "do her thing", I learned to simply shrug and walk of and ignore her. I wouldn't apologize, concede, or try to compromise with her because there was no point. Is it possible his inability to acknowledge the birthday thing was this kind of civil disobedience to being tired of your explosions? Also, what you said to him, which I quoted, gives an impression of a mean and vindictive person who says hurtful things to others to get a reaction (another skill my ex-wife absolutely mastered). What was the goal of that remark to him? It couldn't have been anything other than taking a jab at him. HE took the high road and called you and you take a stab at him. I question who is really the difficult person in your relationship. I base this solely on my instinct and personal experience, so I have no evidence to back it up.
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