My wife thinks she can't get pregnant

[Woggle]

The two of us have been having unprotected sex ever since we moved in together and she was no virgin before she married me yet she has not even been close to pregnancy. We have been talking about having a child for the past few weeks but she feels that there is something wrong with her where she can't conceive. She is getting tested next week and I if her fears are true how do I approach this. As a man there is no way I can relate to this so how can I be there for her in this situation? It's still possible that a fertility treament could help her but she is fearing the worst.

[directx]

You might want to get your sperm count checked as well, at least just to show her that you are involved as well. Plus, it wouldn't hurt.

[a4a]

Are you getting tested as well?

 

That should be the first step..... cheap and less invasive.

 

And I hope you realize that the child will come first to her. So when you want to head out with your buddies and she is upset because she needs you at home............ I can see this blowing up if you actually are how you post here and don't want a woman telling you what to do.

 

You are going to be told what to do now because you will have differing ideas about parenting.

 

At this point until you get a better grip on your issues - I worry that you will take your problems out on a child. Male or female.

[Art_Critic]

Have you both actually tried to get pregnant ?

 

There is only a very small window during the month that she can get pregnant..

Somewhere around a 72-96 hour window around her day of ovulation..

 

They make ovulation tests that you can buy at the drug store to help with the when..

 

I used IVF and artificial insemination in a previous life and it wasn't successful but it was becuase she was going into menopause.. egg donation was the next step.. we did do the egg donation once but we never made it to implantation..

 

Today it is very possible to have a baby thru many many different means..

Money being the only requirement..

In 2 years what was spent was almost 40k trying with the Artificial insemination and IVF.. ( the drugs are super expensive and aren't covered by most ins policies)

 

I hope your wife's test comes back okay.. it may just be a timing issue..

[Woggle]

I will get tested as well.

 

We haven't had sex with the explicit purpose of creating a child but we haven't used birth control or condomns at all.

 

She keeps going back and forth between wanting children and not wanting children and this morning she was in a wanting children mood. She just seems down at the prospect of not being able to conceive.

[Cobra_X30]

Definitely let her know that if she can't that you will 1. Do everything possible to make that dream come true for her, and 2. you will love her just the same.

[a4a]

Definitely let her know that if she can't that you will 1. Do everything possible to make that dream come true for her, and 2. you will love her just the same.

 

I wouldn't make any promises at this point.

 

There are way too many things that could come into play.

 

What if it is Woggle and he has a near zero count..... that would then likely take them down the road of a sperm donor and some men don't want to take that path. It takes two fertile partners to produce a child, previous births or pregnancies on behalf of either party does not mean that they are fertile now.

 

More so if Woggle is always thinking his wife is going to leave him, cheat, and turn into a monster...... not a stable relationship to bring a child into.

[Cobra_X30]

What if it is Woggle and he has a near zero count..... that would then likely take them down the road of a sperm donor and some men don't want to take that path. It takes two fertile partners to produce a child, previous births or pregnancies on behalf of either party does not mean that they are fertile now.

 

More so if Woggle is always thinking his wife is going to leave him, cheat, and turn into a monster...... not a stable relationship to bring a child into.

 

Your just Little Miss Sunshine today!

[serial muse]

Definitely let her know that if she can't that you will 1. Do everything possible to make that dream come true for her, and 2. you will love her just the same.

 

I agree with this - esp. #2. That is what I'd most want to know: 1. that my partner understands how I'm feeling, and especially that I might be feeling somehow "broken" and in need of reassurance that I'm still feminine and lovable; and 2. that he loves me for me, and will stand by me.

[a4a]

Your just Little Miss Sunshine today!

 

Well I only speak the truth..... and sitting with rose colored glasses on an issue as important as the life of another human is not something to just say:

 

Good Luck and everything will be just fine.

 

and infertility facts are just that -facts.

[2sunny]

don't jump to conclusions until you have the facts Wog.

 

good luck!

[Touche]

My concern here is that she goes back and forth vacillating about even wanting a child. Not good in my book. Raising a child is something you shouldn't even undertake unless you really, really want one. It changes your life. It's very demanding and difficult under the best of circumstances. If she goes back and forth about it, my suggestion is to NOT have one.

 

This might be a blessing in disguise for both of you.

[whichwayisup]

Woggle, my concern though is, the reason why she may not be getting pregnant is because of the other issues you have with her (not really HER, but it does affect her because of your past) You may not be speaking of your insecurities and your trust issues with her, but she definately can 'feel' the energy and vibe coming from you...You can't hide that no matter how hard you try. The timing may not be right for both of you, so really talk about this before committing to a fertility test.

 

It's your life, you're going to do what you're gonna do...So whatever happens, good luck!

[dropdeadlegs]

I share the concerns of both a4a and Touche, but since you asked how you can be there for her I'm going with the advice of many others.

 

I'm not sure of your wife's age, but I know that she is older than you, woggle. Fertility in women does wane over the years and it is harder to conceive. I don't think I would even be looking at testing without actively planing and trying to achieve conception through ovulation prediction for 6-12 months. It just seems more expensive to go into testing when the window of opportunity is so small each month. I do think it is fine to test one partner first, then move on to the other.

 

If it turns out there are problems, there are also possible solutions as has been stated. IVF, egg/sperm donation, surrogacy, and adoption are all ways of having a child assuming the finances are available and the parents want a child badly enough.

 

If her body can't cooperate, it is important to assure her that you love her, with or without the option of children. She might feel "broken" or like "damaged goods" and continuing to show your desire for her will be important. I think it is okay to express disappointment in the situation as long as that is tempered with lots of love and emotional support. Most of all it will be important to carefully consider all options, including a childless marriage and find something you can both be comfortable with. Don't get all manic and jump on the first train to parenthood. It is important to carefully evaluate both the physical and emotional aspects of every option.

[JamesM]

A4a has hit the nail on the head...again.

 

She may not be able to get pregnant. When the tests come back, and it looks like she can get pregnant, then proceed to ways of HOW to get pregnant.

 

Since you have not been a father yet, then you should probably get tested as well. This will cover both bases.

 

As for being a father, it will change your life...good and bad. If you think your wife and you have problems now, then add a child to the mix. The child WILL be number one in her life, and that is actually what you should want. But in daily life, you really wont like finding out that you are not number one. There are so many ways that you and she will need to adjust.

 

Is being a father a bad thing? No, but it is an adjustment. It will not bring a couple closer if they are not close already.

 

If she cannot get pregnant, then there are options such as adoption available. I remember that she is getting older, so for women in their late thirties and forties, it is harder.

 

Wait for the tests before proceeding. And I am guessing that even if you had the correct words written down, the most important thing to her will not be the words but the showing that you care about her that will matter most.

[Cobra_X30]

Well I only speak the truth..... and sitting with rose colored glasses on an issue as important as the life of another human is not something to just say:

 

Good Luck and everything will be just fine.

 

and infertility facts are just that -facts.

 

Yes, but you need to pay attention to the situation! IF they do begin trying to have a child they need to make sure that the M is on a firm setting. I'm telling him to do that by showing support and understanding for her feelings. Big picture thinking!

 

Dont mistake facts for truths! Facts can lead you to incorrect conclusions.

[a4a]

Yes, but you need to pay attention to the situation! IF they do begin trying to have a child they need to make sure that the M is on a firm setting. I'm telling him to do that by showing support and understanding for her feelings. Big picture thinking!

 

Dont mistake facts for truths! Facts can lead you to incorrect conclusions.

 

he can show her all the support he wants in this matter but that doesn't change the fact that he is "woggling" by thinking one day she is the best thing since sliced bread and the next day she is going to leave, cheat, and turn into a monster and steal everything away........she is clueless about his wogglin'.

 

A child will just compound this matter. Wait until he starts thinking about how she will get the kid and he will be paying child support out the WAZOO while she and the kid get the house he paid for.........

 

Wait it is coming........

[Kasan]

Didn't you start a thread a couple of days ago about stopping you from doing something stupid?

 

You were not sure about your marriage or women in general?

 

So am I correct in my understanding that the issues with your wife and women in general have been worked out?

 

Children are blessings so good luck to you and your wife.

[IpAncA]

Good idea as others mentioned you both get checked out. But honestly I'm speechless Woggle on this whole situation.

[Cobra_X30]

he can show her all the support he wants in this matter but that doesn't change the fact that he is "woggling" by thinking one day she is the best thing since sliced bread and the next day she is going to leave, cheat, and turn into a monster and steal everything away........she is clueless about his wogglin'.

 

A child will just compound this matter. Wait until he starts thinking about how she will get the kid and he will be paying child support out the WAZOO while she and the kid get the house he paid for.........

 

Wait it is coming........

 

So your solution is to insult him... further cementing his opinion about your gender?

 

Look, there seem to be two schools of thought on trust. Some think you provide 100% trust upfront and withdraw when that person burns you, Others feel its something you earn over the course of a relationship. I view the same way I do a bank account. He gave his last wife a credit card and she maxed it out.... and now he has to pay that back... with interest.

 

Thats what baggage is... its you dealing with the issues from your partners LAST relationship.

[a4a]

So your solution is to insult him... further cementing his opinion about your gender?

 

Look, there seem to be two schools of thought on trust. Some think you provide 100% trust upfront and withdraw when that person burns you, Others feel its something you earn over the course of a relationship. I view the same way I do a bank account. He gave his last wife a credit card and she maxed it out.... and now he has to pay that back... with interest.

 

Thats what baggage is... its you dealing with the issues from your partners LAST relationship.

 

 

 

Woggle is toting more than just a couple of bags from his X --he is pulling a U-Haul with a full load from his mother. He continues to pull it by choice.

 

His wife won't have a chance to make a deposit because in his mind she can turn on him at any time.

 

I am not insulting him. This line of thinking and behavior is all over the archives with his name on it.

[JamesM]

So your solution is to insult him... further cementing his opinion about your gender?

 

 

Thats what baggage is... its you dealing with the issues from your partners LAST relationship.

 

 

First, let me say that from experience, I can say that a4a is correct. As usual she speaks straight to the point with no extra cream , but I know what she means. Adding a child to a marriage that is not secure in the minds of both partners..for whatever reason (past baggage included) is not going to make a situation better. This does not mean he should not have a child, but he should consider how he plans to deal with his feelings about his wife.

 

As for a4a making his opinion of women worse, I don't think that will happen. I am sure that anyone who has been on this Board as long as Woggle (and I for that matter) knows full well where a4a comes from. She may come off as harsh, but she actually has a heart (an LS secret).

 

Baggage is usually dealing with bad things from your OWN past relationships...including family and marriages. She may have baggage, but Woggle cannot solve it, She must deal with it. Woggle at least is well aware of the baggage he needs to deal with...and personally, I think he has attempted (and succeeded in some ways) to resolve it. Unfortunately, our baggage is always with us, but when we realize how it affects us, we can minimize it effects on our lives.

 

The main question is....how should Woggle respond to his wife maybe not being able to get pregnant? How should he "treat" this disappointment? If she can get pregnant, then Woggle may need a new thread on being a dad...fact is, we all need to learn how to be parents every day.

[a4a]

shut up james!

 

I am a ruthless heartless biotch!

 

and I like it that way!

[babydoll6]

The two of us have been having unprotected sex ever since we moved in together and she was no virgin before she married me yet she has not even been close to pregnancy. We have been talking about having a child for the past few weeks but she feels that there is something wrong with her where she can't conceive. She is getting tested next week and I if her fears are true how do I approach this. As a man there is no way I can relate to this so how can I be there for her in this situation? It's still possible that a fertility treament could help her but she is fearing the worst.

 

 

When a woman feels she can't get pregnant she is going to have a entire slew of emotions..Especially the emotion of "I am not a whole woman"..

 

So to address the question of how to help her, you need to be there for her.. When she wants to talk or cry allow her the shoulder. She is going to go back and forth daily about her desires for a child until she figures out if she is "whole".. Meaning she has it set in her mind something is wrong with her, she is going to have all kinds of emotion attached to that.. Until she knows for sure what is going on with her she is going to be on a roller coaster of emotion about it..

 

Even if the results come back bad news, she at that point will have some kind of closure to the scared feelings she is experiencing. And can at that point sit down and make a logical decission based on the outcome of the tests.

 

I wish you luck, fertility issue's within a marriage are very very tough to deal with...

[allina]

I think that even if a woman doesn't want children it's still scary to physically not be able to produce them. I don't think I will ever want a child but I would still be saddened if I found out I was not able to and the choice was no longer mine.