rapunzel_2000 Posted September 12, 2007 Posted September 12, 2007 hi all - My story is here if you are interested: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t129349/ My ex of 3 weeks (I am the dumpee) and I are musicians together in a band. So I had to see him at a rehearsal Monday night. He called me prior to the rehearsal after two weeks of no contact and I felt SO much better after the call. I felt validated as he said some nice things to me and that he felt terrible about hurting me. Said he's "still in the same state of confusion". (The night he dumped me, he talked mostly about himself, feeling "uncomfortable".) I mostly listened and let him talk, and I made sure I ended the conversation with a bright "So I'll see you at rehearsal?" I did not get any indication that he wanted to get back with me. Rehearsal went well, I was proud of my behavior. I acted normally, "as if". The other musicians don't know about us, and I'm so glad we kept it a secret. Strangely enough, he wanted to "come out" to the band just a few weeks ago and I'm thankful we did not, as I think that would have made the situation much more awkward. I tried very much not to look at him or give any indication of my emotions So I came home Monday night feeling buoyed and optimistic that I'm going to be "fine" and confident with this situation. We have a gig this Friday night. Tuesday morning, felt great, happy and confident. Tuesday afternoon I started crying at work and it continued off and on through the night. This morning I woke up crying. I've only gotten about 5.5 to 6 hours of sleep the last few nights. I've lost weight in the last 3 weeks, which I'm actually kind of glad about, although I was never fat....but I'm 5 feet 1.5 inch and right now I weigh about 100 lbs. Sorry to blabber on here but I'm trying desparately to NOT cling to hope that he will reconsider and want me back. I cannot do NC as I have to see him, at least once a week. I would be able to do NC with no problem at all, I'm in my 40's and have had enough life experience that I would not "drunk dial", incessantlty email, etc. or lose my emotions around him. Unfortunately I do not have the option of NC. I want to be strong and I don't want to have to quit the band. I feel that would give him more power over me. I still love him and I still blame myself for the failure of the relationship. I feel I was insecure about myself at times and it turned him off. I did not play dating games, like being unavailable or saying no occasionally to dates. I tried to play it somewhat cool but I know a couple things came out of my mouth about "future" that may have scared him off. I had just come out of a 4.5 year rel'ship and I think I forgot how to date. I cannot seem to forgive myself for "blowing" it. I just can't take starting my day off crying and feeling hopeless. I know I have to do nice things for myself and pamper myself and those help temporarily but the thoughts keep intruding. Thanks for reading, I do appreciate the support and any advice you may have.
JCD Posted September 12, 2007 Posted September 12, 2007 Same here. Acceptance of the situation is the last step in the grieving process and is the hardest because hope was already lost and that hurts. I've lately been trying to not ignore her and instead xform my anger into sadness. I know it's better to hold your head up high and be oblivious to her but it only makes her look at me with a stare of a sick puppy and then I feel guilty of behaving this way towards her. When she's alone I'm able to greet her but when she's with her boyfriend I can't say anything because feelings overwhelm me.
Curious139 Posted September 12, 2007 Posted September 12, 2007 Tough one Rapunzel, I completely understand why you don't want to leave the band. Is there another band you can join? I don't like seeing you go through so much stress. However it sounds as though he is treating you decently and with respect. You need to be with other people as much as you can to distract your thoughts. Are you keeping a journal or blog? Healthy thing to do.
Author rapunzel_2000 Posted September 13, 2007 Author Posted September 13, 2007 Thanks for the replies... Yes, Curious he IS decent and is treating me with respect .....he's a great guy, that's why this is so hard. I know he has his own agenda and I don't know hiw real reasons or what is in his head, but I cannot stop blaming myself. I keep picking apart everything I said or did and KICKING myself that I didn't keep my mouth shut, or why did I call him that week I went away, or why didn't I just go to that party by myself and not invite him....and make him miss me a bit more. There is an ex-GF of his (of 4 years) who comes to most of our gigs, and who I once saw kiss him on the lips hello (before we got together, but they were broken up)..she also gave him a nice b-day gift while we WERE together. I found that a bit strange..maybe this is a factor, I don't know. This is a very special band and I don't want to quit. I also think it would make me stronger to stay, although certainly it would be easier to not have to see him and my healing would be much quicker. I think I'll give it a few months (we have gigs lined up through January, and the band would be pretty bummed if I left) and I'll see how it goes. I'm still in the grief stage, I'm afraid.....working on getting to acceptance.
AriaIncognito Posted September 13, 2007 Posted September 13, 2007 I can relate to your situation. I was lead singer of a band and i dated (and lived with) the drummer for 4 years. It was tough. Luckily the band broke up before he and I did, but we broke up once early on in the relationship and it was tough to go to rehearsal and see him. If you really are connected to this band, stick with it, but don't do it if it's too painful for you. You can find another band I'm sure, if you really need to. I just finally joined a new band after taking many years off. Actually that same ex gave me the ad to this bands audition. We are still friends to this day. He's married with 2 kids. (ugh). You can get over it in time, but if you find the situation makes things too hard, don't be afraid to look for another situation... Is there any "hope" that you'll get back together? How long did you see eachotgher while in the band?
Author rapunzel_2000 Posted September 13, 2007 Author Posted September 13, 2007 I can relate to your situation. I was lead singer of a band and i dated (and lived with) the drummer for 4 years. It was tough. Luckily the band broke up before he and I did, but we broke up once early on in the relationship and it was tough to go to rehearsal and see him. If you really are connected to this band, stick with it, but don't do it if it's too painful for you. You can find another band I'm sure, if you really need to. I just finally joined a new band after taking many years off. Actually that same ex gave me the ad to this bands audition. We are still friends to this day. He's married with 2 kids. (ugh). You can get over it in time, but if you find the situation makes things too hard, don't be afraid to look for another situation... Is there any "hope" that you'll get back together? How long did you see each other while in the band? Thanks for your thoughts, Ariawoman. That's cool you are still friends with your ex (the drummer). Although he is now married, kids, etc. For all the years (over 20!) I've been in bands I've never had a substantial rel'ship with a fellow musician; sure I had crushes and the occasional make out session but nothing ever materialized into a solid thing. I was the bandleader for at least half of those years and was cautious about getting involved with the musicians, whom I was paying. It's possible that was a factor (also they didn't want to jeopardize $$ making opportunities perhaps). Anyway, the rel'ship with New Guy lasted only 3 months. But we spent a LOT of time together and the physical connection was intense (too intense for him). Before that I was in an almost 4.5 year rel'ship with Old Guy that I lived with for the last year. (I knew deep down it wouldn't last but I guess I stayed for the companionship. Not terribly proud of that but I spent many years alone in my 30's and it was comforting to "have someone", even though he was not the right one.) I would say that there was a prior 3 months of increasing attraction with New Guy before I made the final decision to leave Old Guy. (don't want to mention any names!) Is there hope? It's only been 3 weeks so I guess it's too soon to tell. I have not received any indication yet, although he said (in so many words) he would like to be friends and continue to get to know know one another. (This could just be his way of assuaging any guilt he may have). As I mentioned I'm trying to not cling to hope as I don't think it is healthy nor will it behoove my being able to handle this situation. The glimmer of hope I do have is that if I'm able to show up at rehearsals and gigs and be my old cheerful, fun self and he'll see that I'm doing fine without him, that the attraction he once had for me will be rekindled. And if after a few months he's met someone else, and SHE's showing up at gigs, and I'm still alone and I just can't take it, then I'll think about leaving. I do have other musical pursuits so I don't have all my eggs in this band's basket (so to speak). But my plan is that I'm going to work on loving and forgiving myself for being human (and making mistakes) and giving myself kudos for taking a risk....all rel'ships involve emotional risk. I will learn to be strong on my own two feet and able to handle whatever comes my way. If I let his rejection of me affect the way I feel about myself, then I won't ever be able to find a healthy, loving rel'ship with someone else, who might be better for me! So if I keep posting and journaling, and thinking positive thoughts, take care of myself, and practice self-love, and be kind to others (including him) I think I'm going to be OK. And knowing I'm not alone in this type of grief is a blessing. Boy, I hope other LS'ers don't get sick of my LONG posts!!
JCD Posted September 14, 2007 Posted September 14, 2007 What happens is that when you're in love you're very happy and everything else seems so boring. But when you fall out of love, it will take time to make those things boring seem exciting once again. Then you realize that you didn't needed him to make you happy because you can make yourself happy. That's really the secret to life ie. being happy. It's such a burden on the other person to make you happy and it's unrealistic because when they're gone who will make you happy?
Author rapunzel_2000 Posted September 14, 2007 Author Posted September 14, 2007 What happens is that when you're in love you're very happy and everything else seems so boring. But when you fall out of love, it will take time to make those things boring seem exciting once again. Then you realize that you didn't needed him to make you happy because you can make yourself happy. That's really the secret to life ie. being happy. It's such a burden on the other person to make you happy and it's unrealistic because when they're gone who will make you happy? You're absolutely right JCD and thanks for the pep talk! It's all about being grateful for the "little" things in life (which aren't even so little) like the morning sun streaming through the window, the taste of that cup o' joe (which I'm enjoying right now), the people you will meet during the day, the possibilities of life that lie ahead. It's all the way you THINK about things. If you think positive, then your life will be more positive and doors will open up to more happiness. Of course, there will be bumps along the way. Life is not perfect. Yet it really is true that one can only make oneself happy, and cannot rely on other people our your lover to do this. So while rejection is hard and makes one question one's own self worth and lovability, this is not the way it has to be. This way of thinking is a CHOICE. The way one reacts to the end of a relationship or a rejection is all a result of the way one frame's it in one's own mind, and the way one interpets the events. So thank you, I felt a real boost this morning after reading your response. I woke up with tears this AM. I'm going to "frame" that as that I just miss the person who broke up with me, I miss the closeness and the intimacy. This is NORMAL. I know that life will have tears and laughter. Rather than blame myself for the failure of the relationship (which is what I have been struggling with) , I am going to try to practice gratitude for the experience. I will be thankful for the chance to learn and grow from it, so if another potential mate presents himself down the road, I will be in a place emotionally that I won't NEED him. I will want him but not necessarily need him to make me happy.
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