kittensmittens Posted September 12, 2007 Posted September 12, 2007 Ok, I really have no idea where to begin..... I was posting on here a lot trying to cope with my breakup w/ my bf of 4 years. A whole lot happened and I spontaneously stopped coming here in an effort to move forward, start taking care of myself in the "real world", etc, etc. Well, turns out I'm still a mess. We broke up about 3 months ago, our last contact was about a month ago. There is A LOT to go into but a very brief run down: He broke up w/ me after I found out he was lying about some stuff, then he went right out and ****ed our neighbor, wrote about it on myspace where he also trashed me, then tried to blame the breakup on me (b/c I left town after I found he was lying and he wouldn't admit to it), then when I finally mustered up enough self respect to stop calling up crying and begging, he contacted me telling me he wanted "rebuild the friendship" and that I'm "the love of his life"...but STILL did not apologize for anything. For a second I almost bought it, then disappointed, disgusted, astounded, and angry, I resolved to move on with my life and never have a thing to do with him again. Easier said than done. I have been going to a school in a dinky little college town that was only bearable b/c I was there with him. I started dating him just before I moved there and 2 1/2 yrs ago, he moved there to be with me. I was so broken hearted after this breakup I didn't know what I was going to do with my life. Suck it up and go back? Move to another town/state/country? Turn into a big blob and try to forget I even exist? After he called I just woke up one day and chose the least likely option: go back to school in "our" little town where he still lives, has friends, our apartment, our cats....and I have no one and nothing. I made arrangements for an apartment that roommate matches you and is furnished, and signed up for classes at the very last minute. It pretty much shocked everyone (especially myself) and I must say, I was proud of myself. I have already missed several classes (it's only the 2nd week!) because I wake up so depressed at the thought of stepping outside and seeing that town so full of memories, happy and sad, and just pull the covers back up over my head and go back to sleep....then wake up hours after my class has ended, even more depressed that I've failed myself that day. I know I can't be with him, too much has happened and he's not the person I thought he was.....but that's the person I'm still in love with and it hurts. I still miss him a lot and I can't stop peeking at his bank account to see where he goes and looking at his myspace page. From these things I am beginning to suspect he has someone new already. I was already beginning to suspect it, but then came across a comment on his myspace page that still hasn't completely confirmed it, but it may as well have. THAT sent me over the edge into further depression, so when whoever-she-is becomes a real person, an actual fact.....I'm afraid I'll just shut down altogether. It's like a train wreck and I can't stop myself from looking, even though I know I should. I'm terrified of running into him and now him w/ HER, but I know it's inevitable since there is only ONE of everything in that tiny little town. Not only that but, I've never really "clicked" with that place....which is contributing to me feeling even more alone. I just feel more aware of what I don't have anymore when I'm there. I haven't found a job yet, so I come home on the weekends (2 hrs away from school). This past weekend it came time to put all my things in the car and go back and I just couldn't stop crying. I couldn't even bring myself to pack anything up. That's when I realized how unhappy I am there and started considering dropping out and transferring somewhere else. I was already planning on maybe transferring after this semester (or year, depending) and went back to boost my GPA, get in good w/ my teachers so they can write me letters of recommendation, enhance my portfolio, not lose my financial aid and health insurance, and not waste this semester since it has taken me so long already to get through school. My school is far less expensive than a design school (my major) or out of state university--which is where I would transfer--so that's another reason I decided it was much more reasonable to just suck it up and go back. So now I'm really unhappy, I'm on a ****ing LEASE w/ no chance of a subleaser now that school has already started, and I have to somehow pay for a semester I won't even complete if I drop.....AND I have all the aformentioned things to worry about again if I do. I also have missed the last 2 class days on top of the other classes I've missed so far--damage that's not completely irreparible YET......but damage nonetheless. I won't be able to miss anymore days if I decide to stay and I'm just afraid of what will happen if I run into him or something. I just don't know what to do. I feel like I'm letting myself down and giving up if I drop now......am I??? Or am I taking care of myself and doing whatever it takes to be happy by dropping? I'm going to have a HUGE hassle to deal with and lots of money I'll have to come up with if I drop. The most practical option is to just go back and tough it out for at least a few more months......but if I do that I have to decide NOW. I can't miss anymore class and the drop deadline for getting 50% of your tuition back is tomorrow--so either I have to go to class tomorrow or drop tomorrow (wed).......no more time to think!! If I do drop, I would move back home and work to save money so I can transfer (and pay for my lease, wasted tuition, etc.). But it'll be another semester or two down the drain before I CAN transfer. I'm not sure if it's worth all the hassle.....maybe I just need to grow up, deal with the fact that he's there and take care of business. What would you guys do in this situation??? Stay? Go? Agh!! I seriously need some advice on this ASAP!!!! HELP!!! (Thanks!)
Balalaika Posted September 12, 2007 Posted September 12, 2007 I know the depth of pain you're feeling right now.... but please understand that this pain IS transient.... one day it will be nothing but a faint memory, and so will he. Don't let some guy, some guy who's no longer a part of your life, determine your direction in life. He's not worth it!. Given that you've had no actual contact with him for a month, the only thing really messing you up now and stopping you from even beginning to heal is yourself. You're creating your own misery by looking at his bank account, checking his myspace, imagining new girl. I understand why you're doing that, been there done that, but it achieves nothing other than continuing to let him control you, your emotions and your life. If you wanna start healing the wound, force yourself to stop doing those things, just don't go there (that's one step towards taking care of yourself and doing whatever it takes), if you're enjoying the pain of sticking the knife further into the wound, keep at it. Choice is yours. Him having someone else may be true, or it may not. Either way, it's bound to happen one day, just remind yourself that he'll probably end up lying to her, go off and screw someone, write about it on myspace, trash her and not apologise for a thing. What a lucky girl! (not). I really don't think you should blow school over some guy who is history in your life. I know easier said than done. But the only reason you're in dinky town and all that goes with it is to study for your future, focus on that... your future, not your past. Be strong!.
kirikat Posted September 12, 2007 Posted September 12, 2007 Go to campus health services NOW, and get counseling, and meds if the doctor agrees. If you weren't in school, this would not necessarily be an emergency - but you are, so it is. Furthermore, should you NOT be able to make it, you will be able to get a medical excuse and not have to take incompletes (which will foul up your transcripts....)
popey Posted September 12, 2007 Posted September 12, 2007 Hold tight. I understand. It feels like you don't even know what to want about anything, if not him. This will pass. In such I situation one thing that I found helped a little, was to think about something even more hurtful happening, like death of a sibling or something. I know this sound horrible, but I'd picture it, and then I was able to find a little happy feeling that this misfortune was not mine, and understand that my real situation was not as bad as that. And then re-focus a little of my attention on what I have good. I totally agree with Bal, don't redirect your life over him. Part of getting over this is taking back your locus of control. try to become, for the time being an academic machine. all your focus and energy on being a student. Delete your myspace account. Its the only way to stop yourself from looking and torturing yourself. And, (please don't misunderstand this to minimize the magnitude of what your going through.) But Yoga honestly may help. It gives you a mechanism for release, calming down, and focusing on you. I know it may sound trivial, but I hope you will give it a try. My thoughts are with you. It really will get better. Hang in there.
Lizzie60 Posted September 12, 2007 Posted September 12, 2007 WOW... Please go back and re-read your post... I know this is not easy...you're not the first one and will not be the last either... so give yourself a good kick in the butt and move on. When I was in college... I ended up with one of the Director... he was divorcing at the time... we lived together for a while.. as soon as he heard I was pregnant (even after us talking about having kids, blablabla) he completely changed... and ignored me... I was still living with him... had NO money, I was depressed, lonely, no family to support me... pregnant and still one year of college to go. He would bring other women at the apart...while I WAS there... the jerk!... I wanted to die.. I tried one night (with 25 pills, stupid me)... I just had a good night of sleep... woke up just as depressed... and lonely. Did I leave my studies? NO Did I moved on? YES Did I had a choice? NO So, my advice, stop feeling sorry for yourself... don't EVER give up your life or your future for ANY man... they are just not worth it. YOU ARE! Give yourself a shake and move on... A LOT of women before you HAVE done it! Good luck!
Author kittensmittens Posted September 12, 2007 Author Posted September 12, 2007 Thanks everybody... I know I should stop looking at his stuff online and I'm seriously beginning to feel like some obsessive nutcase. It's just still really difficult to process how someone who supposedly loved me so much for the last 4 years can move on like I never mattered....while I'm STILL grieving. I mean, I know he's an ass and I can't ever be with him, but I didn't just forget about him altogether!?! I know this should be confrimation that I'm doing the right thing, he's not worth it, blah blah blah. But it seems to have only taken me back to sq. 1....I step outside into that town and there are memories everywhere that I can't relive and it aches so much......but not for HIM, b/c he's making new ones! I see the park or a restaurant or something and miss going there w/ him.....and he's probably already been there w/ her!!! I know it sounds dumb and childish, but it's just not fair! Not only does he have our big apartment all to himself, our cats, a bunch of friends, but now someone to keep HIS lonliness away. I have a tiny little bedroom now, 3 roommates who are loud and into drugs (I'm not) and eat my food then lie to me and say they don't know anything about it, and then....when I thought "i'll get a new kitty to keep me company", one of my roommates told me she's allergic to cats! I'm lonely, I have no one, no friends there, and I just miss him. I feel like I'm being downgraded and punished....because HE lied to ME??? It's not fair. Ok, I know....I am feeling sorry for myself. But these are things that are just wearing down on me. And it really is hard to go out in a town where the only person you really know would be absolutely delighted to see you hurting. It kills your spirit. I feel like if it were a bigger town (or city?) or if it were actually a place that I LIKE, this might not be so difficult. I'm tired of being unhappy and I'm tired of living in a place I just don't like. I wouldn't be dropping out of school altogether....I would move to a place I really want to be (a city!!) asap. But there are consequences to doing such a thing and some of them would be minimized if I just finished up THIS semester. Just 3 more months. Ugh. You're right. I should just go back. A lot of my friends though (who all live far away) are saying I need to just get out of there, be happy.....I've spent sooooo much time being unhappy and now half of my 20's are gone (I'll be 25 in a couple months) and you can't ever replace that. I guess I just want to start enjoying my youth before it's completely gone. I feel like a ****ing divorcee. The past 4 years of my life have been so serious and so unhappy and I've felt trapped for longer than I realized. I feel like it's time to be where I want to be, around people I want to be around, with scenery that is beautiful and interesting and uplifts me.....rather than brings me pain, much less bores me. But it would only be 3 more months to endure. I know, I should. I should go back. Only problem is.....now I've missed a lot of classes! I can't get back to town in time today, so this will be the 4th class day I've missed in one of my classes--3 is the max before your grade starts dropping (so my grade is already lower). It's getting more and more difficult to go back and face my teachers, the work I've missed, and the classmates who will ask me where I've been, etc. And what if I go to the grocery store 2 months from now, see him (w/ her?) and am so devastated I can't get out of bed the next day?? This is what I'm really and truly afraid of happening. This is just dumb isn't it? Ugh. Yes. I do believe I'm completely pathetic. It just seems so much easier to forget about him and to not care what he's doing w/ his life when I'm not in THAT town. Would it be silly to drive 20 minutes to the next town to go to another grocery store in an attempt to avoid him, when I live literally just around the corner from one? And what if I got a job on the weekends in my home town (since I'll be there every weekend anyway if I don't have a job)....and just drive 2 hrs every weekend to work/escape/avoid him? Is that too absurd...? I don't like having to hide out.....but maybe if it gets me through the semester....just this semester.... Anyway....thank you all very much for your support and advice!
JCD Posted September 12, 2007 Posted September 12, 2007 The first time you'll see him alone or with his g/f, you will be devastated. Even the second or third time. But the more you see them the more it will start to sink in that he is really gone. You should reach acceptance soon after. I wouldn't hide out but face the fear in the face. It will be hard studying and thinking about this at the same time but I think you can do it.
Balalaika Posted September 13, 2007 Posted September 13, 2007 I know that awful feeling well (unfortunately) where they've done wrong by you, yet you're the one suffering emotionally, mentally and sometimes physically.... whilst they've not only gotten away with treating you like crap but are off having a happy life as if nothing happened and you never mattered. It sucks big time. The only way I consoled myself at times like that was by telling myself that it might look like it's all happy dayz in their world, but given that they are a sh*tty person who does sh*tty things, they're gonna keep creating more sh*t that will sooner or later come back and bite em hard on the butt. Whilst you are off having a happy life. What goes around comes around. Believe it. I often just wished that when that day came I had a front row seat with a bag of popcorn
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