Nine years...

[Darkzen]

I guess that I'm, what you would call a dreamer. I contemplate everything and live my life according to a set of ideals, which stem directly, from not wanting to be like those, who caused pain and suffering onto me. I know that we've all had to deal with pain and suffering at one time or another. Most even seem to find this behavior acceptable. That might be because they feel that they must protect themselves at all costs, whether it means hurting others in the process or not being true to themselves. In other cases it probably stems from a lack of self-esteem, bringing others down because it might make you appear better. I understand this behavior, but I cannot relate to it. Is there something inherently flawed in my ideals? I'm beginning to believe so.

 

I've been recently dumped after spending nine years with someone. This person has cheated on me three times, turned my friends against me on one occasion and has never really been there for me when I've had problems. The reason they dumped me was because they felt stiffled (SP) and trapped, putting the blame on me. Through out the years I've tried every approach to help bring out the good in this person. Be it unconditional support, tough love or even showing no support at all. No method had any success. Time after time this person has made promises to change and to a certain extent they did, all the cheating stopped after the first three years. Although the selfishness, lack of caring/support and even the willingness to be open never really improved. It even appears to me that this person really never even loved me, just the concept of being in-love.

 

I'm no angel in this either. In the beginning I was extremely affectionate, caring and always doing special things for this person. This changed over time, probably about the time she turned all my friends against me (one even carried a gun because of the negative light she painted of me), shortly afterwards I found out about her cheating on me. Once while I was deployed to Bosnia and another when she moved in with me for the summer. I found out both of those at the same time. Eventually, I started being very guarded with my emotions and turned to hide my pain in video games. I know, that by me becoming withdrawn and guarded, didn't help the situation.

 

Yes, you can think me stupid for not moving on at the first (hell, even the second or third) sign of this person doing me wrong. I really believed that through unconditional love, you could reach anyone. I've seen the good in her and wanted to try and help her be that person all the time. She had a very messed up life until we met, where people have done her wrong. I also didn't have the best of a life growing up and could identify with her. We both had flaky parents, had to fend for ourselves most of the time and even grew up in similar ways (both lived in NYC and CA, off and on).

 

I was once proud and confident, with a zest for living. Lately I've lost faith in Humanity, in my ideals and overall in the concept of love. Now I'm heart-broken and confused, with a cynical outlook at life.

 

I'm sitting awake at 3:30am unable to sleep as I write this. With the faint hope of some feedback to help me straighten out my confusion. Whether that means I have unrealistic ideals (like she said I had) or if she's just an evil person and I was foolish to put my heart into her.

 

Anyways, thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts.

[Curious139]

What a heartfelt post and welcome to the board. You sound like a very decent, good person with strong values and empathy. I don't think you've done anything wrong. Indeed you've forgiven and tried your hardest when many other people would have given up.

 

Don't beat yourself up. Honestly it sounds as though she was not the right person for you. If you are able to give and be supportive, you need a mate who understands that and can give it back to you. You haven't had that but you also understand her problems.

 

Sadly we can try very hard to help people but sometimes even love just isn't enough. It is her loss, harsh as that may sound.

 

Don't despair - there are literally millions of nice people out there and you will meet one who appreciates you. At the moment that must seem almost an alien thought but eventually your mind will reassert itself and you'll see the possibilities.

 

Read some of the threads here and you will know you are not alone. I used to hate it when people said give it time, even though I knew rationally in a corner of my mind that was good advice. But when in profound despair you can't see that. Nevertheless with enough time and other strategies we do all heal. After a 9 year relationship this is going to take quite some time and you shouldn't expect yourself to just take a deep breath and move on.

[Darkzen]

I appreciate the welcome, it's nice to get some feedback. I'm still questioning the entire situation though. Her reasons just don't add up to me. She used examples of things I did that made her feel the way she did. Yet, when I corrected her to what really happened (things she even acknowledged, when I pointed them out), she still didn't relent her position.

 

So now I'm sitting her thinking is she lying about the reasons... what purpose would it serve? I mean if I had thought something happened and was reminded that it never happened (or happened differently), wouldn't my stance on the situation change to reflect this new found insight?

 

I know there's reasons that would make her want to leave me, but she didn't use them as the reason. I'm 30 without a career yet (although I'm finishing up school in a couple months), she was supposed to move from NYC to Boston until I finish school and then we planned to move out west to Cali, I need some emotional support from time to time because I'm a little overwhelmed with always having to be the supportive one in the current situation, etc... All very valid reasons to leave that make some sort of sense.

 

I'm in no way over-protective of her and she's free to do her own thing, so I can't be stiffling or trapping her (unless it's because she feels bad of how she treated me all this time). Which even then, right now would be her opportunity to step-up and do right by me. By being supportive, waiting until I at least finish school and/or moving up her to make both of our lives easier until school is finish (not a long term thing either). Instead she just walks away when I needed her support the most (pretty much the only time I've even asked for it).

 

I can't relate to what happened in the least, her reasons make no sense and by leaving at this particular time is really doing the most possible hurt to me. I just can't understand how someone could be so cold to someone that has done nothing but been there for them (she even concedes this).

 

P.S. I'm fairly certain the reason isn't another man in her life, she spends most of her free time playing World of Warcraft. When I asked her if the other things I listed as her reason, she said it wasn't and continues to stick to her original reason of being stiffled/trapped.