I miss him

[kirikat]

Its been 40 days since I last saw him. It has been 12 days since I last heard from him. Its been 20 days since I heard his voice. I've stopped counting in minutes and hours, but the days are still hard to get through.

 

I miss him so much. I miss Saturday nights. I miss making dinner together. I miss the long talks, I miss the dinners... I miss him in my bed (more than anything, I miss that). I miss his smile, and his basic gentleness. I loved that boy - so very much.

 

I wish there had been something really wrong. I wish that I had lost my passion for him, had gotten bored. I wish we had fought, or had conflicts, or something. I honestly don't know what when wrong. Because there was nothing "wrong" specifically, the ending just felt so violent. Someone important was just ripped from my life, and I am still bleeding.

 

But still, I need to remember that I just wasnt happy most of this past year. He wouldnt let me in - he wouldnt be my friend. He refused to allow himself to get close, and whenever he felt "closer" he pulled away. I wasn't "it", I wasn't the one he has in his mind, and he did not want to love me. (This is where I start to cry, because I dont understand - you get along, you like each other immensely, you cant get enough of each others bodies, you enjoy spending time together... so .... why? I don't get it....)

 

I wonder if I hadnt cared quite so much, if I had been different, if I had been less transparent and obvious, more disciplined, if it would have come out different. I wonder if I hadnt loved him if he would have loved me. If I had been always just out of reach, would the tables have been turned? I wonder how one learns to get ones heart off ones sleeve.

 

I had so many hidden objectives here... things I hid even from myself. I said I didn't want more... but that was a lie. When he said his ideal relationship would involve seperate apartments my heart dropped (though, to be honest, for me for a while this would be ideal too...) I dreamed that we would have a future together, even though he was always clear that this wouldnt happen. Its just that it was so good when we were together, I wanted that all the time. I wanted to fall asleep with him more, and wake up with him every day. I wanted to make more dinners with him, and see more movies, and go for more moto rides. I didnt want it to end, and I alwys knew it would - and because of this, I was always nervous and anxious, and unhappy.

 

You see... it was ALMOST perfect.....

 

Except; He doesnt know what he wants to do with his life. He doesnt love kids. He doesn't get up in the mornings. He thinks soccer is important. He has no spiritual base. He doesnt read books. His parents never told him how proud they were of him. And, he didnt want to love me.

 

I don\t know how to let go of this almost perfect dream. My soul screams for him, because on that level, we really were so well matched. But on the mundane, day to day level, I don't know, because he refused to even try it. He crashed his motorcycle into a chain rather than try it. (That is the moment that I knew it was over.... I can't let someone I love hurt themselves out of that kind of fear....)

 

So, I try and unwrap these tendrals from my heart, gently... piece by piece.

 

I wanted to end this with love... but I have to end it all alone - I have to lt go all alone (never ****ing again will I allow THIS to happen) - and somehow, I know that I have to walk away and let love remain, or I will be inauthentic, and I will dishonor myself.

 

And still, I wonder... if he had loved me back, if he even knew how much I loved him - would anything have changed? It never had a chance, he made up his mind early on, but still - and maybe always - all these what ifs are futile.

 

I want him back. I want it different. I miss him.

[Ocean-Blue]

Your pain is so raw. I really feel for you.

 

I ended a relationship a while ago...and I still reel when I think of the memories. The talks. The friendship. The laughter.

 

And I feel this way even thought it me that ended it. I can only imagine how you must feel.

 

A broken relationship is hard to get over. You can't fix it sometimes...and you just need to move on. It sounds like the wound is quite fresh for you...give yourself time to get over it. I think it's good to sink your teeth into the pain, to remember and cry. If not, it'll come back to haunt you (like it did me).

 

I felt nothing at first. I was indifferent. I thought I had beaten what so many others could not. I was dead wrong. Months after the break-up, I found myself crying uncontrollably...mourning the loss of something that was a fundamental part of my life.

 

Was he what you truly wanted? It seems like you two had a connection on some level, but that there was something missing (you yourself seem to acknowledge this).

 

I wish you the best. And in the meantime, cry your heart out girl.

[kirikat]

I ended it. I couldnt stand it anymore, having someone who "almost" loved me.

 

For a year we "dated" - and it was great, but we never just hung out. We didnt make sunday breakfast together, or spend the weekend together, or just wear our pajamas and watch tv.

 

Though we were exclusive, he was just never really my "boyfriend" -

 

I tried to leave him a few times before, only to be met with "Please dont leave me" and "You are the most important person in my life" and "Just give me time, wait until my thesis is finished"

 

So, I waited until the thesis was finished.

 

Then, we were supposed to go camping with my son. He was really freaked out. Two days before we were to leave, he crashed his motorbike into a chain.

 

And I knew if he was so scared of taking a family trip that he would actually run total his bike... he was too scared to be in this anymore.

 

His last words to me were "You need a man, and I dont want to grow up yet"

[Ocean-Blue]

Once you get over missing him, perhaps you should get out there and enjoy yourself. You may find that you forget all about him.

 

Don't wait for him to come around. Go out there and live your life.

[wmrjw82]

I can't speak for your guy but it sounds very similar to my recent relationship in which she dumped me about a month and a half ago. This is not necessarily speaking from his point of view just mine.

 

The reason I never wanted to move in was because this was our second go-around. The first time I actually did move in with her and we ended up argueing alot and I eventually moved out (well she pretty much kicked me out). It was quite an ordeal finding a new place to live and moving out all my stuff which was so close to her stuff it felt like I was abadoning my home. So this second time together I was extremely hesitant about moving in. I had been hurt by her and hurt by others before. So I kept my own place. And admittedly, was very cautious and demanding during the relationship. I based it on the PAST and that was my mistake. I guess I was just protecting myself so much I never let the love completely engross me. Maybe i doomed myself from the beginning. Because the result still happened. She still left. I still got hurt. I just didnt have to move anything this time. I'm left wondering if I made the right decision because I knew it was going to happen all along, or that I made a mistake and had my guard up too much. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. Uh...love stinks!

[angie16]

i totally understand.

I am in the same situation, trying to find a place, staying with friends on couches, i miss my HOME.

I loved him, he gave up, I am actually doing much better.

But when i think of my settled life with nice apartment and loving man, i get sad.

[kirikat]

Your pain is so raw. I really feel for you.

 

I ended a relationship a while ago...and I still reel when I think of the memories. The talks. The friendship. The laughter.

 

And I feel this way even thought it me that ended it. I can only imagine how you must feel.

 

A broken relationship is hard to get over. You can't fix it sometimes...and you just need to move on. It sounds like the wound is quite fresh for you...give yourself time to get over it. I think it's good to sink your teeth into the pain, to remember and cry. If not, it'll come back to haunt you (like it did me).

 

I felt nothing at first. I was indifferent. I thought I had beaten what so many others could not. I was dead wrong. Months after the break-up, I found myself crying uncontrollably...mourning the loss of something that was a fundamental part of my life.

 

Was he what you truly wanted? It seems like you two had a connection on some level, but that there was something missing (you yourself seem to acknowledge this).

 

I wish you the best. And in the meantime, cry your heart out girl.

 

 

He wanted what Italy has told him he wants. A girl that is younger than him, who doesnt already have a child. I didnt fit what he had in his head, and he couldnt wrap his mind around it.

[sedgwick]

That's a pretty accurate summation of exactly how I feel right now. I don't want anyone else to have to go through this, because it sucks, but knowing there's someone else who feels this way too brings me comfort. This is how you feel when someone is emotionally inaccessible, when they give you just enough to keep you hooked but run when the obstacles arise. It feels horrible. It's the worst feeling in the world. I know I just have to ride it out, but damn, it sucks. Hang in there. Maybe we can talk to each other when we want to talk to our exes.

[kirikat]

I hate being stuck here right now. I cannot BELEIVE that after 6 weeks, he is constantly on my mind.

 

Whats even worse is that he lives right under florences most important landmark.... (the duomo) - and I have to pass nearby every single day. I live in constant fear of running into him, because we live so near each other, and my sons school is just a couple of blocks away.

 

Also, for some unknown reason, he has never returned my housekeys - and I need them back - but I am terrified to call. This is so stupid. I am not a 15 year old! So, for the last several days I have been trying to figure out how to get my keys back (and having a friend call for them seems so incredibly juvinile...) So, I am in this constant state of anxiety!

 

He NEVER would have dumped me. He would have just left me in this state of near emotional starvation - I know he cared about me, but just didnt see a future. But now that its done, I imagine he is releived.

 

I dont know what to do, I cant seem to move on. I have been on a couple of dates (yuck) - I am in therapy, I joined the gym, I am constantly busy doing the stuff I need to do... but **** I am so sad and lonely, not to mention horny....

 

I know if I call him for my keys, I have an ulterior motive. If I have a freind call for me, I look like an idiot. If I email, and he says he will mail them, I will be heartbroken. If I call, and he is cold, it will hurt.

 

(And ultimately, what I want is for him to say "Hey... would you like to go to dinner tonight... I miss you" - and that might be the absolute WORST outcome of all!)

[AriaIncognito]

I wish there had been something really wrong. I wish that I had lost my passion for him, had gotten bored. I wish we had fought, or had conflicts, or something. I honestly don't know what when wrong. Because there was nothing "wrong" specifically, the ending just felt so violent. Someone important was just ripped from my life, and I am still bleeding.

 

But still, I need to remember that I just wasnt happy most of this past year. He wouldnt let me in - he wouldnt be my friend. He refused to allow himself to get close, and whenever he felt "closer" he pulled away. I wasn't "it", I wasn't the one he has in his mind, and he did not want to love me. (This is where I start to cry, because I dont understand - you get along, you like each other immensely, you cant get enough of each others bodies, you enjoy spending time together... so .... why? I don't get it....)

...............

 

And still, I wonder... if he had loved me back, if he even knew how much I loved him - would anything have changed? It never had a chance, he made up his mind early on, but still - and maybe always - all these what ifs are futile.

 

 

I could have written this all about my recent ex. Especially the part I bolded. Wow. Really hit home for me.

[kirikat]

Aria, I love the quote you have attached.

 

I broke NC today - (because I knew I would be too busy to think about it...)

 

Of course, now I am alone, and going over every nuance of every word.

 

We have an apt on Monday to get my stuff back to me and to talk... but I dont think I have very much left to say. Im sure he'd like me as an "option", and I am sure that this is not acceptable to me... so. We are at an impasse.

 

Still, I miss him with every breath I take.

[Double D]

Stay strong Kirikat! We are all in this together, so vent when you want and pour out but it sounds like you need to hang in there. Be mature and get your stuff sorted and be adult about it but once you have had your apt, come her and talk it through but by any means try not to go backwards. Keep going to the gym, keeping yourself busy and counselling it all be worth it in the long run. You'll feel better for it. Just have patience with yourself.

 

Ive broke up with my ex 10 months ago and ive done conselling, im playing soccer again after a while and working towards my ambitions and im getting to better all round understanding about myself and not all of it good but I love myself unconditionally and I hope you do to.

 

Even after 10 months I think about her constantly and she occupies my mind loads. Its mostly memories of the times we shared and the dreaded what she up to now but i continue living and working and breathing and having fun but have an acceptance that I most probably will not be totally over her but also have an acceptance she was differently not the one for me at that time at least.

 

Keep strong! We are here for and with you