So I had enough :)

[eric82]

I guess what I am not conveying clearly, and what may be the crux of why some do not understand why it does bother me, is that I asked her to marry me. In my opinion, if you reject my engagement ring and accept someone else's you have basically rescinded all of your rights to my life and well being. I do understand that she probably still cares about me, but at the same time, she is "happily engaged" and her focus, time and energy should be 100% directed at her significant other. The way she is going about it now is not only unfair to me, but also to her fiance.

 

caliguy, you keep talking about what you think she should be doing and trying to figure out her reasons and intentions, but you should already know that you're never going to fully understand because only she knows and obviously she's not going to tell you.

 

she doesn't have to do what you want or what you think is right for her, her fiance, or you. she has no obligation to you or your opinions.

 

she doesn't have to be fair to you or act in a way you see as fair towards her fiance. how she goes through getting over you, even if that means still checking up on you, and how she treats her current relationship, even if that means making you feel confused or depressed, and even how she chooses to act in the future, are none of your business... because you're not together anymore and she's still with someone else.

 

she's not even IN your life and hasn't been in quite a while. i know all about your story. i've been lurking this site since last november, finally signed up earlier this year. you're making some progress, but you're still hung up on trying to figure out what you're never going to figure out, because like i said, she won't tell you, and even if she did, the way you've been over-analyzing and judging her behavior and doubting her explanations, keeps you from learning. i'm the same way, so don't think i'm in any way meaning to talk down on or insult you.

 

 

As I said before, I could understand if she visited the site once every few months to satisfy her curiosity, but we're talking about someone who is hitting the site on average up to twice a week and 19 times alone in February. That's a bit obsessive, don't you think?

 

no more obsessive than keeping track of precisely when and the amount of times she's visiting, and asking over and over why she does it.

 

And it's not just the blog, she's looking at pictures of me and my family as well.

 

and you keeping track of where exactly she goes and what she looks at.

 

She is reminiscing

 

just like you are.

 

and doubting her decision. If she has regrets or is bored in her current relationship -- BOO HOO That is a choice she made and now has to live with.

 

doubting it or not, she's moreso living with her decision. perhaps visiting your page is her way of living with some lingering regrets, or maybe it started off that way but has since transformed into mostly curiosity and boredom. either way, it doesn't change what happened nor should you let it affect your life now.

 

I do not think it's acceptable or fair to me to reject the engagement ring and then "stalk" me online, probing for information about me and peering into my life.

 

'stalking' you pshhhtt no more than you're 'stalking' her by still checking the ip address logs and getting fussy to the point of contacting her after a long period of not talking and pretty much demanding that she stop visiting your page.

 

do you really think your opinion of what she should do and not do matters much to her? she left you and the married life you wanted to have with her.

 

She chose not be a part of my life

 

exactly

 

and all I am doing is forcing her to live with the decision she made.

 

no, you're forcing your feelings on her by making her see how much it still bothers you and how much, regardless of what you say or have tried to convince yourself, deep down you still wish you could be with the woman you thought she was, the woman you still wish she would be.

 

i know you probably already know all this because i think i remember you talking about your situation along these lines months ago. but you're still tracking her and asking why she visits, instead of asking yourself why you should care anymore. you're still pointing out all the reasons you think she's wrong and trying to figure out why she doesn't share the same perspective as you, and how she fails to see things your way, instead of failing to end the things keeping you running in circles - spying on the spy, confronting others instead of yourself, beating the dead horse.

[Cad Rake]

yeah no offense dude but you seem rather obsessed with her obsession in you.

 

Tell you what, if you're really that over her, why don't you stop tracking visits to your site? Seems like her interest in you is feeding your ego, plain and simple. If you truly didn't care anymore, you wouldn't give two rats about whether she's reading your blog, and you certainly wouldn't be posting about it here.

 

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with caring, but why don't you admit it to yourself that you're getting emotional satisfaction whenever you see those hits on your page.. go on, we're on to ya.

[CaliGuy]

You do not have to like her behavior, but may want to feel sorry for her weakness and even forgive for your inner peace. Who sounds unhappier in this story? Not you.

 

Nanachu, I agree with a lot of what you have to say and appreciate your insight. Whether she regrets her decision or not isn't really my problem anymore. What is my problem is her inability to let go. All I really want is to move on with my life. I accepted her decline of the proposal and moved on with my life and I'm asking her to do the same. There's no need for us to be in each other's lives anymore.

[CaliGuy]

caliguy, you keep talking about what you think she should be doing and trying to figure out her reasons and intentions……

 

Eric, I have no need to justify my actions to you or anyone else. In fact, I wasn't asking for anyone's approval or disapproval. I followed Art's advice and merely wanted to pass along the results.

 

I did what I felt was in my best interest and that is all that matters.

[CaliGuy]

no more obsessive than keeping track of precisely when and the amount of times she's visiting, and asking over and over why she does it.

 

Just out of curiosity, Eric, if faced with the same situation, what would you do?

 

The benefit of technology today is it allows us to peer into the personal lives of others. The negative aspect is it can also be tracked. Her behavior is no differnet than if she was asking my friends or sitting in her car watching my every move.

 

Is my behavior by tracking her perfect? Nope. But it IS my web site and my information and I have every right to look at who is visiting AND to block someone's access if I so desire. Especially if it's someone I do not want visiting the site.

 

Again, I don't have to justify why I feel the way I do. I have repeated many times that it was her decision to share her life with someone else and as such, she rescinded her rights to my life.

 

Why should I allow her to have her cake and eat it too? Especially if it negatively impacts my life (and it does).

[Cad Rake]

Especially if it negatively impacts my life (and it does).

 

And how exactly does it?

[CaliGuy]

And how exactly does it?

 

Why do my feelings need to be justified??? It makes me uncomfortable and that should be good enough.

[whichwayisup]

At least now I think they'll stop and if they don't, I will block her IP address and password protect my site. It'll inconvenience my family and friends but those are the people I most want to have access to my life. Certainly not the ex.

 

I'm sure your friends and family won't mind joining your site once you password protect it. By blocking her IP, it won't do anything allow her to changer the IP addy or her going to an internet cafe.

 

It's your life and her poking in to check up on you is none of her business...But, then again, if it's an open and public site you have, then she will look...That's why I think password protecting it is your only option and make sure she doesn't join! LOL well not like that is possible as you'll know it's her.

[Cad Rake]

Why do my feelings need to be justified??? It makes me uncomfortable and that should be good enough.

 

Christ, you sound like my girlfriends. Yes, you're on a DISCUSSION board.. your feelings need to be justified. If you can't justify them then they are irrational and your whole argument fails.

[CaliGuy]

Christ, you sound like my girlfriends. Yes, you're on a DISCUSSION board.. your feelings need to be justified. If you can't justify them then they are irrational and your whole argument fails.

 

No, they do not need to be justified to you. I do not need to satisfy your opinion of whether my feelings are just or not.

 

Period.

[CaliGuy]

I'm sure your friends and family won't mind joining your site once you password protect it. By blocking her IP, it won't do anything allow her to changer the IP addy or her going to an internet cafe.

 

It's your life and her poking in to check up on you is none of her business...But, then again, if it's an open and public site you have, then she will look...That's why I think password protecting it is your only option and make sure she doesn't join! LOL well not like that is possible as you'll know it's her.

 

The only way she could get in is if she hacked the password (which she can't as my passwords are very complex and not based on personal info) or if someone gives it to her (doubtful). But as I said before, I don't want to have to do that because my racing history is there as well. It's a good way to get my info out there to people who may want to help me offset the cost of racing. Tires are expensive, ya know

 

And yes, her checking up on me is not only NOT her business, but not her job either

[Cad Rake]

No, they do not need to be justified to you. I do not need to satisfy your opinion of whether my feelings are just or not.

 

Period.

 

You have a definite female energy to you. I'm guessing you're quite narcissistic. If you're refusing to share the logical underpinnings of your emotions with us, you're probably failing to do so with yourself, and therefore failing to understand yourself. And this whole post is an exercise in narcissistic masturbation and nothing more.

 

You're kind of wasting everyone's time.

[CaliGuy]

You have a definite female energy to you. I'm guessing you're quite narcissistic. If you're refusing to share the logical underpinnings of your emotions with us, you're probably failing to do so with yourself, and therefore failing to understand yourself. And this whole post is an exercise in narcissistic masturbation and nothing more.

 

You're kind of wasting everyone's time.

 

Thank you, Dr. Phil.

 

Maybe you're ok with someone poking around in your life who rejected you, but I am not. You have an opinion and that's fine. I don't have to agree with you and again, I certainly don't have to justify my opinion or feelings to you.

 

Agree to disagree, that's fine. But telling me my opinion of how I feel is wrong, well, that is THE definition of wasting everyone's time. Opinions are just that, opinions and not fact.

 

Until you have lived what I lived through in regards to this relationship you can not say with any certainty that my feelings are unjustified.

 

Cheers.

[Cad Rake]

carry on then

[crazy_grl]

I know that this bothers you, and you don't feel like you have to justify your feelings to anybody else. I agree with you there, but maybe you should be asking yourself why it bothers you.

 

You've given some reasons, but to be blunt, I'm not buying them. I understand some gut-reaction irritation when you first found out, but why does it still bother you this much? Why is it anything other than a minor annoyance that you hardly think about? How does her looking at your site actually affect your life?

 

The only people who's lives it really affects are her and her fiance's. It was nice of you to do this guy a favor and tell his fiance to stop checking up on exes, but she's not your responsibility anymore. If she wants to keep doing it at the expense of her fiance, then it's her sorry life to mess up. You don't owe it to her to make sure she treats her fiance right.

 

I agree with you that it's stalkerish, sad, unfair to her fiance, and annoying, but why are you still letting anything she does have an emotional impact on you? Why does anything she does even matter to you?

 

Sorry if that's too harsh. I just don't get why you let her get to you anymore when you know she's not worth it.

[oppath]

Caliguy's feelings are not irrational. An analogy would a female shopping for close, and telling the store manager "I don't want to buy anything you have, and I am never going to buy your clothes," yet she loiters outside looking at the new merchandise. Is it wholly inappropriate? No. But it is surely annoying, and the manager of that store would have the right to say "it's annoying that you loiter out here." Caliguy does not have to justify why it annoys him.

 

As an owner of a website, he is not obsessing with her by checking his IP log. He is monitoring his traffic. I check the traffic on my website. Her constant activity naturally opens up his old wounds. He wants her out of sight, to help her be out of mind. He has every right to ask her to stay out of sight. If you think you haven't moved on until an encounter with an ex won't stir up any emotions, then very few people on this planet have ever moved on. Moving on is a process, and people from the past that hurt us always have the ability to bring back painful memories. When someone rejects something as serious as a marriage proposal (and wasn't there cheating involved too? or at least some dishonesty?), that is a painful experience. Even if you are completely in love with someone else, a weekly reminder of that rejection is RATIONALLY painful.

 

Caliguy seems to be saying he is doing fine, but if every week when checking his traffic, he is reminded of her, and she apparently wants to keep loitering in his life on the outside looking in, well, it stirs up painful memories that he'd rather leave at the bottom of the pot. It is completely rational that her checking his website 2 times a week would stir up painful memories. He simply wants that pot unstirred, to have no reminders of the past. She didn't buy his merchandise, so she needs to get out of the store.

[whichwayisup]

The only way she could get in is if she hacked the password (which she can't as my passwords are very complex and not based on personal info) or if someone gives it to her (doubtful). But as I said before, I don't want to have to do that because my racing history is there as well. It's a good way to get my info out there to people who may want to help me offset the cost of racing. Tires are expensive, ya know

 

And yes, her checking up on me is not only NOT her business, but not her job either

 

No, I meant if she tried to join as one of your friends..lol Or someone you 'knew'....

 

Cad, you related to AM by chance??

[CaliGuy]

I know that this bothers you, and you don't feel like you have to justify your feelings to anybody else. I agree with you there, but maybe you should be asking yourself why it bothers you.

 

It bothers me because of the circumstances. To me, asking her to marry me was a big deal. I had never asked anyone before.

 

You've given some reasons, but to be blunt, I'm not buying them. I understand some gut-reaction irritation when you first found out, but why does it still bother you this much? Why is it anything other than a minor annoyance that you hardly think about? How does her looking at your site actually affect your life?

 

I wouldn't go so far as to say that it effects my daily life. It's an annoyance. I guess the biggest issue is the audacity of her to say "I don't want you..." then in very "stalkerish" manner, poke around in my life. If you don't want to be a part of my life then you shouldn't be poking for info.

 

The only people who's lives it really affects are her and her fiance's. It was nice of you to do this guy a favor and tell his fiance to stop checking up on exes, but she's not your responsibility anymore. If she wants to keep doing it at the expense of her fiance, then it's her sorry life to mess up. You don't owe it to her to make sure she treats her fiance right.

 

Hmmm, well I wasn't trying to help them save their relationship. This was purely for me.

 

I agree with you that it's stalkerish, sad, unfair to her fiance, and annoying, but why are you still letting anything she does have an emotional impact on you? Why does anything she does even matter to you?

 

I guess I'm having a hard time understanding where she is coming from. I know that if I were in her shoes I would never check up on someone I had rejected. I am very analytical and want to know the answers to things, sometimes, that just can not be answered.

 

Sorry if that's too harsh. I just don't get why you let her get to you anymore when you know she's not worth it.

 

Maybe I just needed to tell her off. I never got the chance and now that I have, I do feel better, as selfish as that sounds

[reboot]

A clothing store and the internet is not a fair analogy. The nature of the internet is wide open. Always has been. You have a public website out there and you have to expect people to look at it. Private websites are password protected and that's pretty much his only choice. I also can't fathom why it bothers him so much, but it does, and that's really all that matters. But his choices for how to handle it are quite limited.

[CaliGuy]

Caliguy's feelings are not irrational. An analogy would a female shopping for close, and telling the store manager "I don't want to buy anything you have, and I am never going to buy your clothes," yet she loiters outside looking at the new merchandise. Is it wholly inappropriate? No. But it is surely annoying, and the manager of that store would have the right to say "it's annoying that you loiter out here." Caliguy does not have to justify why it annoys him.

 

EXACTLY!

 

As an owner of a website, he is not obsessing with her by checking his IP log. He is monitoring his traffic. I check the traffic on my website.

 

I guess people do not understand that I like to know where the traffic to my web site is coming from. I have to view the logs and guess what? When I do, I see the big ol' sign from her work IP address (which my server display the DNS address showing who owns that IP. Seeing her work name on my web site made me angry).

 

Her constant activity naturally opens up his old wounds. He wants her out of sight, to help her be out of mind. He has every right to ask her to stay out of sight. If you think you haven't moved on until an encounter with an ex won't stir up any emotions, then very few people on this planet have ever moved on. Moving on is a process, and people from the past that hurt us always have the ability to bring back painful memories. When someone rejects something as serious as a marriage proposal (and wasn't there cheating involved too? or at least some dishonesty?), that is a painful experience. Even if you are completely in love with someone else, a weekly reminder of that rejection is RATIONALLY painful.

 

Well said. You put into words what I have been trying to say for some time now. And it wasn't just weekly visits. For a time she was visting every day, sometimes twice a day and exactly 12 hours apart. It was like she was trying to say "HEY LOOK, IT'S ME!!!!!!!!!"

 

Caliguy seems to be saying he is doing fine, but if every week when checking his traffic, he is reminded of her, and she apparently wants to keep loitering in his life on the outside looking in, well, it stirs up painful memories that he'd rather leave at the bottom of the pot. It is completely rational that her checking his website 2 times a week would stir up painful memories. He simply wants that pot unstirred, to have no reminders of the past. She didn't buy his merchandise, so she needs to get out of the store.

 

Bingo and thank you!

[CaliGuy]

A clothing store and the internet is not a fair analogy. The nature of the internet is wide open. Always has been.

 

And clothing stores are not?

 

I also can't fathom why it bothers him so much, but it does, and that's really all that matters

 

Try this.

 

Fall in love.

Propose.

Have her reject you.

Then have her stalk you online.

 

When complete, come back and tell me how ya feel

[Trialbyfire]

Try this.

 

Fall in love.

Propose.

Have her reject you.

Then have her stalk you online.

 

When complete, come back and tell me how ya feel

 

Not only the above but this would burn me:

 

To top all of this off, her "excuse" for stalking me basically amounted to her own self-pride. She is taking a lot of credit for my personal and spiritual growth (of which she is not responsible for) then lumped me into the category of "some friends whom I've lost contact with, for whatever reason" whom she likes to keep tabs on. She knows darn well why we lost contact.

[oppath]

A clothing store and the internet is not a fair analogy. The nature of the internet is wide open. Always has been. You have a public website out there and you have to expect people to look at it. Private websites are password protected and that's pretty much his only choice. I also can't fathom why it bothers him so much, but it does, and that's really all that matters. But his choices for how to handle it are quite limited.

 

A public store is a public store and if you are not going to buy anything ever, you can still walk in, but the store manager would have a right to say "it's really annoying when you walk in here and it distracts us from our other customers." Caliguy is not suggesting it is somehow illegal for her to view his website, he is simply saying it is mildly annoying, because it does bring up some painful memories, and he'd rather she just leave. It bothered him, so he acted as an ASSERTIVE ADULT and told her it bothered him, and he asked that she stop. That is a healthy way to handle the problem, much more adult than blocking her IP address or making his entire website private just to spite her. If someone is mildly annoying me on a repeat basis, I have the right to ask them to stop. To suggest that this shouldn't bother him at all is silly. Of course it is bothersome, and it doesn't appear it greatly impacts his life at all, other than it is mildly annoying. Well, when someone repeatedly annoys me, I tell them to stop.

[Cad Rake]

I guess the problem we all have with this poster is that on one hand he says:

 

No need to fake it here, lol. Since I've been over the ex my prospects have picked up immensely. So yes, I have been dating and having fun and living life.

 

Whether she regrets her decision or not, that no longer matters to me. That's in the past....

 

But obviously that's all BS. If he were to come out and say "I'm still not completely over her, and I don't like being reminded of her all the time" then that would at least be honest. He's being dishonest with himself, and in doing so preventing himself from fully getting past this.

 

Let me put it this way: The day that you're ok with her visiting your site will be the day you're really over her.

[oppath]

Let me put it this way: The day that you're ok with her visiting your site will be the day you're really over her.

 

Disagree. If it is the case that to be over a painful memory means for it never to bother you when it comes to mind at all, then all of us are walking around with something we haven't moved on from. There is no MOVED on, there is MOVING on. I think Caliguy has been quite honest: that for the most part, his past doesn't bother him or impact his present, but when it does come up, he still feels some pain. That is natural.