How do I do NC?

[megafool]

Here's something that may be a special problem. I was dumped about 5 weeks ago by a MW that I also work with. We were involved for almost 5 years. I know, I know - what kind of fool not only gets involved with a MW but also someone they work with? So please spare me statements of the obvious. My problem: How do you pull off NO CONTACT when it's someone you work with? She is not in the same office area as me and we do not work on the same tasks. But it is a relatively small office building and we will see each other in the course of a day, particularly in the common areas.

 

Here are some other facts: (I'd like to give a more complete 'back-story' but I can't right now). She and her husband are getting a divorce. She told me this just before she told me that we were done as well. This also occurred two days after I got back in town after the funeral of one of my parents. Also, in the past 3 months she has gotten fairly involved with another guy at work. I believe this because they seem to be doing all sorts of 'public' things like we used to do together (going out for lunch, taking midday breaks together, seeing each other casually after work (both in public and at his place of residence). I know the latter because she has told me and/or it became known to me, and she admits all of it, albeit reluctantly. She seems to be pouring her heart out to him (as she used to do with me) about all the bad things happening in her life right now. He, by way of a back-story, is 40 y.o. and twice-divorced. She is 28, and as you can see from my profile, I am 44. I can readily see an emotional connection between them (and wonder, quite often, if there isn't or soon will be, a physical one).

 

She told me that she still loves me and cares for me deeply, which is clearly baloney because of the way she handled things (from my point of view, anyway). In an email, she initially said that she'd understand if I no longer wanted to be her friend (after she dumped me). I've been in hell these last 6 weeks, and yes, I've read a lot of threads from the "Breaking Up" forum. Suffice to say that I've sent her emails and called her up, with the various themes being "Why?", "What did I do wrong?" "Don't you know what this is doing to me?" "You never really loved me, you just used me, etc." You name the cliche, I practiced it. Despite her statement that she'd understand if I no longer wanted to be her friend, when I've told her that I don't think I can be around her, that I can't stand to see her romancing a new guy, she gets quite defensive. For starters, she denies that she is involved with the new guy, stating that they are just friends. (I don't believe this - I can see a myriad of ways that he is enjoying the type of relationship that I used to have with her. Plus, she doesn't have that many friends to begin with, let alone single guys.) She has also indicated that I'm over-reacting, over-dramatizing things, or being immature; that if I can't be her friend and support her and want her to be happy, then that is "all on you (me)". Personally, I think that she just doesn't want me to rock the boat. Her husband never found out about us (he did wonder about us in the early phases, but we're now actually pretty good friends) and I know she doesn't want him to find out now, by virtue of my cutting off all communication with her. What's more, I don't think she wants her new "friend" to find out either, to say nothing of the repercussions of an illicit office romance.

 

Believe me, I know what many of the reactions out there are going to be. I've never felt good about the things that I/we've done - you just fall in to the pattern of living for the moment. I knew she was not happy in her marriage from the very beginning and maybe that's why I/she b.s.'d ourselves into letting it happen and letting it continue. We even talked at one time about our being married and how great that would be. But those sentiments faded over time, while we continued to "mess around". I wasn't really surprised that they got divorced. It's been coming for a long time. I just wasn't prepared for me getting kicked to the curb as well, although I should have seen the signs earlier this year.

 

But back to my original question: How do I do the "No Contact" thing when I'm going to see her almost every day? See him every day? See them together every day? I know I have to move on and find my own happiness, but how do you do it when it's in your face every day like that? Changing jobs is not an option for me and I doubt very much that she is considering it, especially with the divorce looming. She is quickly becoming cold and insensitive to me, so I think she would almost welcome no contact with me, except for worrying about how it's going to look to other people at work (we've been seen together so many times that new employees have expressed the thought that we WERE married to each other). What a f**king mess I've made for myself. Any help is appreciated.

[whichwayisup]

You don't talk to her about ANYTHING personal nor do you ask her ANY personal questions. Don't look at her, don't speak to her unless it is work related issues. PERIOD. Exclude her from your thoughts, your life, everything.

 

Or, the other option is, quit your job and find another one.

 

What she does, who she dates, talks to is her business. If you can't handle it, seriously consider quitting your job. Your mental health is much more important and I'm sure you CAN find another job somewhere else.

 

Good luck.

[megafool]

<<You don't talk to her about ANYTHING personal nor do you ask her ANY personal questions. Don't look at her, don't speak to her unless it is work related issues. PERIOD. Exclude her from your thoughts, your life, everything. >>

 

Well. That's the real trick, isn't it? Excluding her from my thoughts and my life. I have to admit that she has always had almost all of the control in our 'relationship' (big surprise, since she had the most to lose), and I have to also admit that I'm "controllable". We've continued to have lunch (usually with her new "bff", more often than not) since she dumped me. As I said, I think she wants me to keep up appearances, and so I wonder and worry how she'll react to my excluding her. I'm pretty sure that HE will notice, and so will others. I know that I need to "grow a pair" and pull myself away from her, but she feels like an addiction I can't quit. She studiously avoids discussing the break-up, and gets mad if I start to get into what I'm feeling. The rest of the time she's this other person that other people see and that I was attracted too, and I feel myself getting sucked in all over again. Hang out with her a little while and I forget what she did and said to me, and in the back of my brain a little fire of hope rekindles all over again. Pathetic - yes, I know - and everyone here has heard it all before. But here's one you may not been expecting, and it's part of what compels me to her (and yes, I know, in these threads, little truths and oh-by-the-ways always keep trickling out): She was my First (and all that entails from that; yes - a 39 y.o. lost his virginity 5 years ago).

[Art_Critic]

As I said, I think she wants me to keep up appearances,

 

Who really cares what she wants?... She doesn't give a crap what you want so why should you care about what she wants ?.... You shouldn't..

 

You said it.. grow a pair..

 

Just put nothing but air and silence to her from now on.. if you have to talk over business then keep it business and then say nothing more...

 

You need to have complete and utter silence with her and move on otherwise this is going to blow up on you.. She already has another OM in her life.. that should tell you where her head is..

[raslers]

<<You don't talk to her about ANYTHING personal nor do you ask her ANY personal questions. Don't look at her, don't speak to her unless it is work related issues. PERIOD. Exclude her from your thoughts, your life, everything. >>

 

Well. That's the real trick, isn't it? Excluding her from my thoughts and my life. I have to admit that she has always had almost all of the control in our 'relationship' (big surprise, since she had the most to lose), and I have to also admit that I'm "controllable". We've continued to have lunch (usually with her new "bff", more often than not) since she dumped me. As I said, I think she wants me to keep up appearances, and so I wonder and worry how she'll react to my excluding her. I'm pretty sure that HE will notice, and so will others. I know that I need to "grow a pair" and pull myself away from her, but she feels like an addiction I can't quit. She studiously avoids discussing the break-up, and gets mad if I start to get into what I'm feeling. The rest of the time she's this other person that other people see and that I was attracted too, and I feel myself getting sucked in all over again. Hang out with her a little while and I forget what she did and said to me, and in the back of my brain a little fire of hope rekindles all over again. Pathetic - yes, I know - and everyone here has heard it all before. But here's one you may not been expecting, and it's part of what compels me to her (and yes, I know, in these threads, little truths and oh-by-the-ways always keep trickling out): She was my First (and all that entails from that; yes - a 39 y.o. lost his virginity 5 years ago).

 

 

Megafool, I comend you on waiting as long as you did. What I feel bad about is that you gave up your virginity to someone that clearly was only in it for herself. You deserve better. I think in light of the "special" circumstance this is partly why it's so hard on you.

 

No contact is your best bet. That means no lunches, no personal e mails, if you can avoid any contact at work do it!!!! It is in your very best interest. It sounds like you only have to come in contact basically in common areas. You don't have to look at her, speak to her, or give her the time of day. She certainly isn't giving you the time of day unless it's in her best interest. Who cares if she wants to keep up appearances. It's only her appearance she is worried about. Why help her make herself look ok.

 

Remember that you can't be an option to her. If you make yourself available to her, whether it be lunch or just to shoot the sh*t she will know she still has you by the b*lls. Keep your head high. Live well and know that things will get better. It will take time for your heart to heal. Take it from me. I was snowed too. My heart still hurts, but life is getting better. You can do this.

 

Big hugs!!!!

[lovernotafighter]

raslers is right on in advice I think. there is no easy NC when you love someone and I worked with mine through 8 break ups (crazy isn't?). we have been together pushing 3yrs now, now I don't work with him and it's just as hard, believe me number 9 we made it a total of a day.

 

one of of us always started some kind of small talk or something and it was always me who crumbled. don't care how she will take it unless she is going to met you half way at least, if you do all the work in trying she'll leep running and your heart will keep breaking.

 

good luck and thamks for sharing, I know it hard, keep your chin up

[PoshPrincess]

Megafool, I comend you on waiting as long as you did. What I feel bad about is that you gave up your virginity to someone that clearly was only in it for herself. You deserve better. I think in light of the "special" circumstance this is partly why it's so hard on you.

 

I agree with Raslers.

 

I also agree with WWIU and LNF that you HAVE to distance yourself from this woman personally. I know you have to see her in a professional capacity, but do not involve yourself with her in any other way. If you do, you're just making it easier on her, and harder on yourself at the same time. You DO have to be so strong with this, what with having to see her all the time, but hopefully ignoring her will empower you.

 

I don't want to hurt you by saying this but I have a feeling she may have used you as a 'get out' from her marriage, albeit subconsciously. I am not saying she didn't have any feelings for you, but you were there when she was going through a hard time, just as this new man is now (I doubt that will last either!) Maybe she is one of these women who can't bear to be without a man. She may need to find a reaplcement before she is able to leave, which seems to be fairly common. Whatever the case, you deserve a whole lot better. Don't let this put you off finding someone new, and most importantly, SINGLE!