Therapy or break up?

[QWERTY]

Hi,

 

I've been with my g/f for over a year, and we just moved in together.

 

We both came into the relationship from a bad place -- she was in an abusive marriage, had an affair with a married man, her husband left her, and she was still seeing the married man when we met. Her self esteem was destroyed, and she was ashamed of herself. She lied to me about the reason why her marriage ended, and about still seeing the guy when we met, until I finally got wise that something wasn't right and she confessed.

 

As for me, I'm attracted to insecure, unhealthy, dishonest women, and have been hurt many times. I had reached the point where I was no longer interested in anything more than a casual relationship... I had literally given up on serious relationships.

 

But I knew this woman from years ago, and thought she was different so I gave it a chance. But it's been so hard -- between the lies at the start of our relationship, her withdrawing when we talk about big issues, her lack of self-awareness (i.e. lying to herself) and her insensitivity to me, I've become an insecure, anxious mess.

 

But here's the catch -- she really is committed to being healthy, and has made a lot of very positive changes in her life. She's going to therapy, and is very focused on living her life in the healthiest way she can. The lying has stopped (as far as I know), and every time I raise an issue of something that's bothering me, or that I think is unhealthy for her, she works to change it.

 

So I've been very supportive of her, while I've been feeling more and more anxious and paranoid that she'll cheat on me (for various reasons). It's like an issue comes up, I talk to her about it, she makes changes... and then in a few days or weeks another issue comes up. Now these aren't huge issues -- it's not like she's flirting or has a questionable "friend" or anything -- but the little issues have all kind of added up into one big mess for me.

 

We've recently had a big talk about how I'm feeling, and I told her I can't keep doing this and that I need her to stop bringing issues into our relationship and that she needed to be more open and supportive with me. She agreed to do so, and so far has kept her word.

 

But something happened today that has me feeling anxious again. I found out that a woman she was acquaintences with had suggested they get together and had used the word "date" when asking. She ignored the woman's request, but didn't mention anything about it to me.

 

It's probably just a small thing (I know she didn't go out with this woman, and I don't think she's talked to her since), but when I add it to everything else that happens, I just feel like "when is this stuff going to stop!!???"

 

So now I'm wondering -- if someone was unhealthy and did some hurtful/disrespectful/questionable things to you in the past, is really working hard to change, but you just can't get over the fear that she's going to cheat or that more hurtful things are coming, at what point do you give up?

 

I've also told her I want to go to therapy to help deal with some of my issues. I think I am going to need that regardless of whether or not I stay with her, but I'm just not sure if I need to focus on trying to make things work with her, or break up with her and focus on trying to find a healthy person to be in a relationship with.

 

Any ideas?

[Hopeless&Hurt]

I've been with my (now ex as of 8:30EST today) boyfriend for over 10 years. We also both come from "unhealthy" places. He was abandoned by his mother in favor of his step father, and has an active drug addiction. My father abandoned me for drugs and I have an addiction to my boyfriend. I am SERIOUSLY codependent and we have HUUUGE trust issues.

So, with that said, I can certainly relate- I am also attracted to insecure, unhealthy, dishonest men,with drug and emotional issues and I have also been hurt many times. I SEEK needy people. I know (some) of what you are going through. I am also an insecure, anxious mess.

 

In my experience, liars don't suddenly change.

The worst part of it all is not the lie that she told, it's the fact that you now have to question everything she says. How do you get the trust back?

My ex and I did once have "trust". This was 5 years ago, before his 2 years in jail for selling drugs to a state trooper. His drug addiction and selfish behavior have been what he lies about. I can almost blame it completely on the drugs, but of course, he was not high (yet) when he stole my ATM card, or my car keys, or tonight when he told me he was going for a ride with a friend and came home with needle holes in his arm.

Sorry if I am going on about me...

Back to you, "So now I'm wondering -- if someone was unhealthy and did some hurtful/disrespectful/questionable things to you in the past, is really working hard to change, but you just can't get over the fear that she's going to cheat or that more hurtful things are coming, at what point do you give up?"

When its over, you know its over. Sometimes you can't find the strength to end it right then but you will know that you have hit your "bottom" and you will find the strength to end it. I did.

I am not saying she cannot change. I am saying that once the trust is gone, it's an excruciating road to get back to the place where you trust again. If she has been lying from the start, you may not even know who she "really" is. The hardest part for me is that I know who my (now) ex "really" is and it made it harder for me to give him up. Or maybe I don't know who he is anymore?

Try therapy. If you know deep down that it is worth an hour or more of your time once a week, do it. If you feel like she is lying again, end it. Go with your gut. If you think something is going on, it probably is. At the very least, go to Therapy yourself. I have for 2 years, and I just (tonight) had the strength to let it go. When you know, you will know. If you are asking, you probably already know.

With that all said, I am an advocate on working together to solve your problems. I hope you can. You sound like a really nice person and it seems like you might be too good for this drama. Good luck and I hope that somewhere in this (venting about some of my life) blog, something I said here will help you.