Emotional affair with ex girlfriend.... having a hard time getting over it

[sadone2450]

Hi everyone,

Well, I thought maybe some opinions could help me out with my recent knowledge of my Husband having an online chat affair with his ex-girlfriend.

Background: We have been together almost 4 years now and got married a year ago. We met and were instantly connected, became very inseparable, spent probably 5 nights out of 7 together. We were committed to eachother and rarely argued about anything at all. We became best friends, but also had an amazing sex life and everything was perfect. We were very intimate in every way. Everyone that knows us would say they have never seen 2 people so in love.

Well, about 5 months into our relationship I found an email that he left open on the computer from his ex girlfriend, who he had told me about. The both of them had cheated in their last relationships, which they were both in long term miserable relationships... anyways, I knew about her and knew that she would still contact him. The email said "It was nice to see you that one nite, i understand we will never see eachother again, etc". I confronted him, he lied and said they just went out to play pool. I believed him, because honestly we spent so much time together for being together only 6 months, I just believed him. A few months later, I found some phone calls on his phone, again confronted, he ended up calling her and saying "We cannot even be friends anymore, it makes my gf uncomfortable, etc" so that was it. I believed it was over. We then went on to move in together, he proposed so romantically, we got married. We then had 2 years of the best most wonderful relationship ever. We never spent one nite apart in the 2 years, always together loving life. I would ask him every few months or so, are you sure you guys arent still talking? (Since she was part of the circle of friends I would sometimes see her name on evites or other group email lists from people) but he would always say no. I also knew she had fallen in love, and been with someone for 2 1/2 years as well, she had a full website showing herself and her man off to the world and was also very happy.

Then, a few months ago, 8 months into our marriage, I felt suspicious so I looked at his email... and there she was. Just a simple email saying Hey, how was your weekend? And he replied that he and I went on a weekend getaway, and she talked about her preparations for her upcoming wedding. Well I almost died when I saw this. How could they still be talking 2 years later?! I had no idea? How? So i confronted him and he called her immediately and told her that he was afraid he was going to lose me and that she could talk to me and answer all questions i had. So I spoke with her and her man, and along with my hubbie. All the truth came out. The truth was that they did have sex that one nite back in the beginning of our relationship, but that was the night he knew he had made a huge mistake and realized he wanted to spend his life with me. He told her the next day and she was sad so they didnt talk for awhile. Then she started to email him that she was over it, that she had moved on and found a good guy for herself, and basically they just started talking again, about the circle of friends, work, life, and also flirtatious emailing. They actually told eachother, as long as we never see eachother, we can just email and have our little fantasy world with talking, reminiscing about their sex life, etc. I checked the phone records and there was only like 2 calls in the last year, it was strictly an email thing. They both admitted it was just stupid, they are both openly happy and in relationships, but they just made a stupid mistake with continuing to talk, and sometimes get flirtatious via email.

 

I was devastated. My husband and I went into complete crisis mode. I was losing my mind, I was so completely betrayed, hurt, shocked, stunned. We both cried together for 3 weeks, spent so much time speaking with our pastor and a counselor, his remorse is real. It was no joke. He took complete responsibility for what he did, although I dont think he thought it was cheating, he now sees it my way. I am in contact with the girl and her new husband, and he assures me they never saw eachother too. They are not in contact and have promised both of us to never speak again. My husband allowed me to install key loggers on his laptop and he changed his phone number and email and i have all his passwords. He and I carpool to and from work and we spend all our free time together. I know he is madly in love with me, and me with him.

But for some reason, I cant stop drilling him still. Wanting every detail. Looking back at our years together and wondering what else he did (which in my heart, this was it. I know this was it.)

But why is it so hard.

What is everyones advice? Is it time to move on? I want to. I love him and I want us to be as wonderful as we were, and he wants it too, i know he wants it too. But, I am scared a bit, since I never thought this could happen, I am scared. I dont want to be hurt again. But I do want to continue that awesome life we had together. I do think that it wasnt as severe as my mind wanders, but I just dont know how to fully get past it and not think about it. I feel like I have forgiven, but then I find myself questioning him, and he has spent 4 months apologizing and answering all my questions as best as he can. I just cant move on.. help?

[bestadvisor]

But, I am scared a bit, since I never thought this could happen, I am scared. I dont want to be hurt again.

 

Our feelings are very fragile. Once the trust is broken, it's very hard, and sometimes impossible to restore it back to where it used to be.

 

If you want to continue, you just have to accept that your relationship will never be the same as before again before the betrayal.

[whichwayisup]

It can take up to 2 years for a marriage to get back on track after a spouse is caught cheating.

 

Take things slowly, do some counselling to help you cope through this, go to marriage counselling together and LEARN how to love and trust him again. It seems that he truly is sorry for doing what he did, and knows how much it hurt you. And, fact that his ex's husband knows and is involved, the chances of it starting up again is very slim...

 

In time, you will trust, but you have to want to trust. Do you feel he is worthy of another chance? if so, make it clear to him ONE MORE TIME and it's over, he's OUT.

 

Sorry that you got hurt, but the good thing is, your husband is sorry, he's taken FULL responsibility for his actions, he's being an open book and trying to earn back your love, faith and trust him. Not only in words, but in actions as well. Give him credit where credit is due...And, don't beat up on yourself either! It hasn't been that long since all this happened, it's very fresh.

 

Take a read of afew posts in this section, do a site search on Thumbingmyway, he's very inspirational and I think his thread can help you deal with trust again and wanting to trust your H again.

[sadone2450]

Thank you WishWayIsUp. He is very much aware that this happens one more time and its over. I know he believes that and feels it. He feels very lucky to have this second chance and he is very grateful for it. He actually apologizes to me somehow, every day, either by text or email to let me know he will never forget the hurt it caused us. So I know we are on the right track. I will check that out, thanks.....

[norajane]

At some point, you have to make a choice. You take a look at all the data, and either choose to forgive, or you choose not to forgive.

 

If you choose not to forgive, you might as well start the divorce proceedings now, because no marriage can survive - much less flourish - without forgiveness.

 

If you choose to forgive, then you have to accept what he did and stop beating yourself up AND stop beating him up all the time. Forgiveness does not mean you condone or approve of what he did; it does not mean you think what he did was ok, or that it didn't seriously damage your trust and respect for him. What it means is that you are choosing to accept that your husband is flawed (like all humans are), that he f*cked up big time, but you are not going to carry around all those corrosive and destructive thoughts every day, and you are not going to allow what he did to destroy what you have together.

 

Forgiveness is about lightening your load, not his. However, unless you put down your load, your marriage isn't going to survive.

 

Give it more thought, if you must, but I think you have all the information you need to make a decision. If you choose to forgive, and it sounds like you want to, then focus your energy on making new memories together and let go of the past. You'll never forget it, really, but you will get to a point where you don't feel all the pain anymore, and you won't even think about it unless something new triggers the memory.

[Mr. Lucky]

I am in contact with the girl and her new husband, and he assures me they never saw eachother too. They are not in contact and have promised both of us to never speak again. My husband allowed me to install key loggers on his laptop and he changed his phone number and email and i have all his passwords. He and I carpool to and from work and we spend all our free time together.

Sounds like you have him under house arrest !

 

Just remember that "trust" isn't an action, it's a feeling. It's an inner security where we can truly believe that our partner has our best interests at heart. As others have said, it's simply going to take time for you to get back to that point...

 

Mr. Lucky

[cj1988]

I am so glad to see that your husband cares enough to admit his faults and take care of you......some are not that lucky, like me. They lie to keep face instead of takin the heat for a while. NOT KNOWING what really happened is the worst part of any situation and at least you have the answers and can put it away. You have closure in a way, use it and love him for who he is to you, not the mistakes he has made.

 

Good luck Sweetie, give him another chance and more so yourself another chance.

[Touche]

Am I missing something here? You mean to tell me that since your marriage there's been no physical contact but just a few emails?

 

Sorry, but I don't see that as cheating. Give the guy a break. Let it go or you will have no marriage. All for what? A couple of flirtatious emails. He said he wouldn't have contact with her again. He's doing that for you since he obviously doesn't see anything wrong with it. He's an open book now. Believe him and move on.

[sadone2450]

Thanks everyone. Really. I do appreciate it. I haven't had too many people to talk to so its been hard, and I really wanted to get some outside opinions.

 

Mr Lucky, I swear it wasnt me to put him on house arrest! Lol. He offered all that to me the day after it happened and so we did it. He is very free to go out with his friends or whatever but thankfully he does prefer spending his free time with me, its always been like that, we are best friends as well as spouses.

 

cj1988- I am so sorry you are going through hard times and that your husband hasnt realized what he has done yet. I know I am lucky because he did come clean and really tried to give me as many details as I wanted, even though they hurt me. He wants to be the best husband he can be to me, and I know he is serious about fixing us and making us stronger.

 

Touche- Thanks for your comment as well. You are right, it couldve been so much worse. But since this woman was our only thorn in our relationship from day 1, he knew how wrong it was to be speaking with her (not a few emails) almost daily for a couple years. So I do agree with you that it is not as bad as physically cheating, but their discussing personal things behind my back is still very wrong imo. I do feel lucky tho, compared to many other stories I have read here.....

[ookla_2]

Sadone...

 

Give it time. Like everyone else has said, your H is doing everything he can do to prove himself to you. It's still fresh. You will heal, and hopefully come out much stronger, together.

 

Day by day....breathe in, breathe out. It will get better!!

[VIP]

I think you are overreacting big time. Why cannot he be friends with his ex? I think the one who is having a problem is you, being extremely possessive and jealous, always suspicious and mistrustful. There is no love without personal freedom, it's suffocating to be together every minute.

[whichwayisup]

Why cannot he be friends with his ex?

 

Then his wife should be included in that friendship. The emails like that being passed back and forth are pointless and obviously bothering her. This ex isn't IN their lives, yet she seems to know alot about their life.

[VIP]

Then his wife should be included in that friendship.

 

It didn't seem that his wife wanted to be included in that friendship.

[whichwayisup]

And, I can see why....This isn't "Just" an innocent friendship. He is getting something from it, whether it be an ego feed, a sexual feeling or it's emotional - Either way, it has to stop.

 

They actually told eachother, as long as we never see eachother, we can just email and have our little fantasy world with talking, reminiscing about their sex life, etc. I checked the phone records and there was only like 2 calls in the last year, it was strictly an email thing. They both admitted it was just stupid, they are both openly happy and in relationships, but they just made a stupid mistake with continuing to talk, and sometimes get flirtatious via email.

[VIP]

This isn't "Just" an innocent friendship.

 

It is, they are both in happy relationships, all they are doing is talking.

[sadone2450]

Hi VIP,

Uhm no, they weren't just talking. They were telling eachother they wanted to cheat, meet up, sexual fantasies, etc. He completely agrees with me now, that it was completely wrong of him to do it, and he would not have approved of me having what he had with his ex, with my ex. Hell no.

Also, from 4 years ago, i had told him I would be HAPPY to be friends with this girl, he always felt akward to bring me to any party or event that she would be at, because they had this emotional affair going on.

 

On a happier note, I am doing extremely well now, and we are getting stronger and stronger every day. We are very much in love and I think if anything, this was a lesson to both of us.